“How do I know if he’s capable or not…? Is it that she can’t do it, or just won’t…? What should I expect?”
Parents I coach agonize over how much is too much to expect from their child, whether they’re adding too much stress to their child’s life, or selling them short and letting them get away with too much. How do you know where to “set the bar” for your child?
Take into consideration these 3 factors: your child’s stage of developmental (what’s typical for that age?), your child’s temperament (degree of sensitivity, reactivity, intensity), and your child’s environment (surrounding people and situations, amount of supports and stressors).
Start with what you notice most kids his or her age are doing, but don’t get stuck there with a whole lot of SHOULDs. Children vary in their rates of maturity, and you need to make realistic adjustments to what fits for your child’s temperament – perhaps altering the pace, tone, volume, or amount of demands at any one time. And you may need to make allowances for the situational stressors or demands that your family is facing at any given time.
Now, it’s important not to just flop around with inconsistent expectations and blame it on changing environmental circumstances. Start with your values and what you expect your child to adhere to. For example: listen the first time you ask him to do something, use manners when asking for something, share with her siblings, use words not hands when he’s angry, etc.
If you need to make an adjustment for temperament or environment, do so thoughtfully and proactively, not helter-skelter and reactively. Take the time to be mindful about what expectations best fit for your child right now. Set the bar at a level he COULD realistically jump over, not just where you think he SHOULD be able to. And be clear about it to your child ahead of time.
If you really want your child to listen better, you first need to know that he really understands what is expected. So make sure you’re using these S.M.A.R.T. expectations.
1. Specific – Describe a specific behavior, not a vague trait. Don’t say, “Be more responsible.” Do say, “Remember to hang up your coat and backpack when you get home (before TV goes on).
2. Measurable – Use behaviors you can track, not be clueless about your criteria. Don’t say, “Clean up this mess.” Do say, “You need to put all the clothes in the hamper and toys on the shelf.”
3. Acceptable – Focus on the positive “DO” behaviors, not the “DON’T!” behaviors. Don’t say, “Stop whining.” Do say, “I can’t hear you. Try again with your big boy (cool dude?!) voice.”
4. Realistic – Be sure your child realistically could do it (consistently and independently), not should be able to do it. Don’t say, “Be all ready to go in 10 minutes.” Do say, “See if you can put on your shirt, pants, and socks before the timer goes off, and then I’ll help you put on your shoes.”
5. Timely – Set a specific deadline, not whenever or right away. Don’t say, “Stop arguing and just get it done!” Do say, “I know it feels hard. You still need to stop arguing and put it all away by the time I come back in 3 minutes. I know you can do it. Ready, go!”
When thinking about setting your children up for success, spend a little bit of time mindfully choosing what you really want out of your kids, and then gracefully explaining it to them. Work SMARTer, not harder, to get along better.
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