I received two graduate degrees in child clinical psychology from Penn State University.  I worked there full-time for almost a decade, supervising all child and adolescent services provided to the community by the outpatient Psychological Clinic there.  As a part-time faculty member, I continue to teach graduate student therapists in that Clinic how to assess and treat kids who face all kinds of life challenges, including child sexual abuse.

For nearly 30 years I’ve been proud to be learning and teaching others how to provide psychological care for our society’s most vulnerable children at this great institution.  (And I’ve continued to apply that learning as the founding director of Midstep Centers for Child Development in State College for the past 15 years.)

My wife is a full-time staff member at Penn State in the College of Human Development.  Our three oldest children are all currently undergraduates at Penn State, two of them in the Schreyer Honors College, one of them starting his career as an NCAA Division-I student-athlete on the Penn State basketball team.

We are… Penn State.  And today we are broken-hearted.

Words are poor representations for the range and depth of feelings that have coursed through my veins this week.  But I’ll try…

We’ve heard sordid details of how one man’s dream has turned into a community’s nightmare.  We’ve heard how Jerry Sandusky, an assistant football coach at Penn State, used that fame to start a charitable organization dedicated to serving disadvantaged kids.  The Second Mile has been known locally and nationally as an exemplary organization that has helped hundreds of thousands of troubled kids overcome life adversities through various mentorship, leadership, and summer camp programs.

But now we’ve heard that Mr. Sandusky may have used that fame to lure young boys into secret, abusive relationships.  We’ve heard how some of the alleged abuse incidents were witnessed by or reported to Penn State football coaches and administrators.  We’ve heard endless arguments and speculation about who knew what when, and who did or didn’t do enough to stop these alleged crimes against children.

President Graham Spanier, Vice-President Gary Shultz, Athletic Director Tim Curley, and Head Coach Joe Paterno, all highly-regarded Penn State leaders for decades, are suddenly gone.  Years of virtuous deeds have been wiped out, at least for the time being, by some apparently incomprehensible lapses of perception, judgment and/or action.

We’ve seen and heard Penn State students protesting and rioting, crying and praying.  We’ve seen and heard Penn State alumni share their angst and pride and shame and devotion to making things right.  We’ve heard a wee bit from the outraged mothers of the boys who were allegedly abused – with certainly more to come from these victims who are now mostly grown men.  We’ve seen and heard so much this week, yet we know so little.

In due time, the rest of the facts will come out.  The errors will be accounted for, the crimes punished.  Restitution will be sought, and perhaps, with God’s Grace, some reconciliation will occur.  Yet nothing can undo what has been done, or what has been said or seen or heard.

We can’t go back, we can only go forward now.  We can’t return to innocence any more than those boys could.  And we can’t take back the untold harm to the victims who have been suffering in silence (or suffering while speaking and not being believed). But we can try to make amends, to make things better for kids yet to come.  We can and must begin the healing process.

To do that, we must go beyond hearing and seeing, beyond accusing and conjecturing.  We must learn from this.  It will be the most important lesson that Penn State or any University could ever teach us.  We ignore these lessons at our peril – and the peril of our children.

What lessons can we learn from this?  Here are 7 Life Lessons that come readily to mind:

1. Humility.  No one of us is bigger or better than the rest.  None of us is above the law.  Yet, each and every one of us is perfectly imperfect.  We are divinely inspired, yet mortally flawed.  We all make mistakes.  Let us be careful about making judgments about others.  Meanwhile, may we make decisions to protect and serve others, especially children, based on their best interests, not on our own ego or needs or aspirations.

2. Compassion.   We all have and deserve human dignity.  Before reacting rashly in any situation, let’s pause to ask “What Would Love Do?”  When you stop to mindfully reflect and respond, rather than mindlessly react, you will almost always make the best decision.  Listen to your gut.  Lead with your heart…

3. Discernment. …and follow with your head.  Humans have developed this amazing capacity (in the frontal lobes of the brain) for critical thinking and creative problem-solving.  Once you’re centered on what your heart or moral compass tells you is right, double check with rational thinking about how best to apply your principles to the current situation.

When in doubt, seek the consultation and wisdom of others.  But demand and expect honesty from yourself and your companions.  To make the best decisions, you must allow everyone to disagree respectfully, to consider alternative perspectives, to weigh the pro’s and con’s of different ideas, without self-centered or defensive thinking getting in the way.  Easier said than done, but it can be done with intention and practice.

4. Accountability. We all are accountable for our actions.  Our actions have consequences – sometimes seen, sometimes unforeseen.  We must do our best to hold our selves and others accountable, even and especially when it’s hard to do so.

Let me say something, having worked with hundreds of child abuse victims, perpetrators, and bystanders over the years.  There is nothing more difficult for humans to face, to think about clearly, to discuss openly, than this topic.  Yet there is nothing that could be more important to think about or to act on with a clear mind than this – protecting the well-being of innocent, defenseless children.

That is why it’s so important to really learn from this outrage that so many are feeling right now.  We must look this human failing square in the eye and recognize – humans have sexual and aggressive impulses that sometimes go awry – that become dysregulated or uncontrolled – and may cause harm to other human beings, especially vulnerable ones such as children.

If we don’t ALL admit and recognize this fundamental reality exists, if we don’t have honest, constructive discussions about it that lead to courageous yet compassionate acts against it, then we will ALL suffer the consequences from history repeating itself.

5. Forgiveness. When mistakes, even horrible mistakes, occur, one of the biggest steps in the healing process is forgiveness.  Whether at the center of Christian doctrine (“…forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us…”), clinical experience with trauma survivors, or the latest research in the field of positive psychology, forgiveness has been shown to be a powerful source of empowerment and happiness.  There is a time and place, of course.  Still, considering forgiveness for yourself, for others who have wronged you, for others who have wronged others, will help set you free.

6. Acceptance. It’s important to recognize that in any situation there are always things that you can control and can’t control.  You will be happier and more productive if you focus more of your energy on the things you can control, rather than what you can’t.  The serenity prayer teaches us: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Accept and let go of the things you can’t change.  Accept and focus on the things you can do to make a difference.

Accept your responsibility to educate your children about respecting themselves and others, in body, mind, and spirit.  Accept your responsibility to teach your children how to understand right from wrong, kind words and touches and actions from unkind or unacceptable ones.  Accept your responsibility to teach your children how to trust others, but also trust their own gut feelings, and if something seems wrong, to always tell another trusted adult to get the help they need to be safe and secure and happy.

Accept the responsibility to tell other adults you see harming children to stop it, now.  And accept the responsibility to take additional actions to protect that child, including notifying the appropriate authorities immediately.  The appropriate authorities are child protective services (in Pennsylvania known as the office of Children and Youth Services or “CYS”, under the Department of Public Welfare) and the police.

Notifying these authorities does not mean someone is guilty of abusing a child. It simply allows an investigation to occur to see IF a child is being harmed or not and if that child needs any type of additional protective support or services, first and foremost.

Again, we must be realistic.  Following through on your responsibility to report any suspicions of possible child abuse (for some professionals it’s a legal responsibility, for all of us it’s a moral responsibility), is easier said than done.  People fear what the authorities will do to that kid, that adult, that family.  Will reputations be ruined, will someone be unfairly judged or condemned, will kids be taken away from loved ones?

There are reasons why well-intentioned, good honest people fail to report suspicions of child abuse.  It’s scary, and people aren’t sure what will happen.  Plus, because the topic is so horrible to us, we often don’t believe our eyes or ears.  We think it can’t be so, and we start to think it isn’t so.  Not purposely or maliciously, but because it’s just so hard to believe.

We need to learn to accept that child abuse – physical or sexual – is real.  It can and does happen.  When we think it might be happening, we need to get this to the attention of the professionals who can make the best determination about what to do.  Accept, too, your limitations in being able to prevent harm to any child, but don’t let that paralyze you from doing what you can.  Accept that you and others may make mistakes.  Child protection workers, police detectives, child psychologists, and judges all have limitations too.  We are all people trying to do our best, yet never perfect.

7. Resilience. Remember that the human spirit is resilient.  We are capable of adapting to adversity and overcoming obstacles.  We can learn from painful experiences, even find the gift or blessing in them, and grow to become better persons.  I see it every day in my work with children, adolescents, and families who are struggling with every conceivable life stressor.  I never cease to be amazed by the miracle of the human will, and the ability of many traumatized children to find the good in themselves and others again, when we give them the loving support they need and deserve.

May we remind our selves of the strengths and resources each of us has – both within us and around us – so that we can keep on going.  There is hope, always.

Life lessons?  If we truly learn our lessons, here, we will act differently moving forward.  I pray we will all learn, heal, and grow from this terrible human tragedy.  I pray that we will act with courage on our convictions the next time around.  And the next.  And the next.

Beyond “We are… Penn State,” we are all human beings, each and every one precious and deserving of our ever-vigilant love, compassion, protection, and celebration.

Let’s do it.  Let’s learn our lessons well.  Now that would be something to be proud of.

The biggest complaint I get from parents and kids around this time of year revolves around homework.  The honeymoon phase of the new school year has worn off, and now we’re in the thick of things long enough that “keeping up” is starting to turn into “slipping up.”

To ease the burden for both of you, help your child master these 5 steps to complete the “Homework Loop” more peacefully and efficiently.

1. Know what to do.  Does your child really know what he has to do, and when it’s due?!  Even in elementary school, kids are using some type of Assignment Book or reminder cards.

When your child comes home everyday, DON’T ask “Do you have any homework today.”  Make it a clear rule and expectation that there is some type of schoolwork to do in the evening every day (even if it’s clean out notebooks, review material, get caught up, get ahead, or silently reading on a topic of interest).  With this everyday expectation, change your question to “What do you have to do today?”  Have your child show you his assignment book, with the expectation that SOMETHING needs to be written in there and worked on every day.  If not, you’ll find something extra for him to do!  Why?  Because your family values are that education is important, as is self-discipline, and you’re following through with practicing your principles.  Calmly and consistently.  Or not.

If your child is having trouble getting the right assignments down in his notebook, ask a teacher, aide, or study buddy to double check the assignment book at the end of the day – at least for a couple of weeks to help establish correct habits.  If your child doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, he can’t really do it, right?

2. Transport raw materials.  Your child has to also make sure he has the book, worksheet, or other necessary materials for the assignment.  He and/or his “checker” at the end of the school day need to make sure the right stuff is in the backpack before heading home.  As soon as he gets home, you need to make sure that he not only can show you what he needs to do, he can show you he has the materials to do it.  If not, right back to school you go, or he suffers the natural consequences, and/or he faces additional consequences from you as well.

3. Do the work.  Ahh, there’s always a catch.  Set a scheduled homework appointment time, just like any other extracurricular activity.  Really, schedule a set, finite time – as in – half-hour, from 7:00 – 7:30 tonight.  At the appointed time, summon your child to the table/desk/quiet study area, and commence homework activity.  (If he can get in the car on time to go to soccer practice, he can and will be expected to show up at the scheduled time for schoolwork practice.)

Begin the session by saying – “Show me what you’re going to get started on now.” And offer any support he’d like in getting started.  Be available to answer questions to assist, as he asks for it.  Don’t hover, smother, or disappear.  Be around, working on your own quiet work at this time would be ideal modeling and may help him focus.

A quiet study hour in your household, with all electronica turned off, is a very smart and healthy move for everyone’s productivity and  well-being.

4. Transport finished product.  At the end of the homework appointment, say “Show me what you did.”  See that he made an honest effort, but don’t correct his work – that’s the teachers job! – unless he asks you to proof it.  This gets responsibility for the work where it belongs – on your child – and minimizing unnecessary nagging arguments for you both.  Of course, if your child is struggling to meet acceptable standards, you may need to amend the contract here to include certain tutoring time for corrections and further help – by you if you can do it constructively – or by a hired tutor if you can’t.

Anyway, whoever is going to check the work, also makes sure that the work and any supplemental materials get in the proper folder(s) and into the backpack for the next day.  Of course, check that the filled backpack goes out the door with your child in the morning.

5. Turn it in! You can do all this meticulously, know the work was completed at home, and still find out that your child is getting zeros in the teacher’s grade book.  Nothing is more exasperating for parents.  So, how to know that he actually remembered to submit the work at the right time and place?  If this is a problem, ask the teacher to initial that assignment in the assignment book when it has been turned it – she acknowledges she got the work.  That way, you can check each day, not only on what your child has to do tonight, but what he actually turned in earlier that day.

Close the Homework Loop with these 5 steps, and you and your child will enjoy less homework hassles and more homework happiness (well, at least satisfaction).

Ten years ago, on an early September morning much like this one, I was getting ready for work with my TODAY Show companions Matt and Katie chattering away in the background.  I’d just returned from getting my children off to school – 8th, 6th, and 3rd grades.  My wife, 7 months pregnant, was already at the office, managing our small family-owned business.

Life was plugging along, pretty much mindlessly for me.  Then it all changed.

The chattering on the TV turned serious, concerned, confused.  I sat down, paying full attention, and watched incredulously as it all changed.

The north tower of the World Trade Center was on fire, and it was pretty scary.  Fifteen minutes later, I watched in disbelief as the second plane flew into the south tower, and it was totally surreal.  Then I heard about the third hitting the Pentagon, and the fourth spiraling out of control nearby in rural central Pennsylvania.  All hell was breaking loose, and I’ll never forget the feeling of complete uncertainty and helplessness.

Everyone has had their own journey.  Everyone is healing in their own way.  And we are all doing so, together.

Ten years hence, I thank God for the gift of another day.  And for the joy and pain of raising three children from elementary school to college, alongside the pain and joy of raising another from birth to the start of fourth grade this week.

Amazing grace indeed, this circle of life (which includes the mysteries of death).

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  I don’t know what the next moment will bring.

I am aware, in this moment, that I am eternally grateful for this life, and for all those who have shared the journey with me.

I am aware, in this moment, that I am hopeful and enthusiastic about our future together.  I believe our divinely-inspired, compassionate humanity will prevail.  I choose to believe that.

And I will continue in my daily work to shine that light of love wherever I can.  Even as I do so as a perfectly imperfect human being.

Today, in this moment, I simply wanted to share a heartfelt wish from my family’s faith:

May the Peace of God be with you.

Wherever you are, however you spend this weekend – may Peace be with you.

You’ve heard all about getting dialed back to a reasonable bedtime, packing the lunch or backpack the night before, setting up a work station with all the right doo-dads neatly organized.  Good advice indeed for student success.

Now, for success in life as well as school, here are my Top Ten Tips for mindfully managing back-to-school stress:

1. STOP, RELAX, & THINK! Too often were’ running around mindlessly multitasking, feeling like we “have to” do this or that or the other thing. And the other thing always seems to pop up out of nowhere to bite us in the butt.  The best way to hurry up and get where you want to go, is to STOP and slow down!  Otherwise, you may be hurrying in the wrong direction.

2. Regain Perspective. Rather than running around reflexively reacting, slow down to reflectively respond instead.  Zoom out and take a “God’s eye view” to look at your life or your day.  What’s working well and what isn’t?  And why?  What goals for this school year (or day) really matter the most?  And why?

3. Reset Your Priorities. When you get refocused on your big “Why’s”, it helps to put all the little stuff that we’re not supposed to sweat about back into perspective. Then we can zoom in to refocus on what really matters.  Sure, there are the practical realities of making it to the bus on time, and getting the homework done, and hopefully learning something new each day, and being able to productively “show what you know” on tests and papers and such.

Yet in our hearts, we know that what matters most is HOW we achieve those practical goals – with loving-kindness and patience and laughter, or tense, impulsive frustration and fretting.  It really is about the journey, not the destination.  That’s what your child really needs to learn, perhaps – how to go about meeting his/her daily responsibilities with joy, rather than anxiety or anger.  Which are you modeling? Which are you practicing?  That’s what your children will remember about their childhood.

Don’t be shy about this.  Post little reminder notes, sayings, inspirational quotes, pictures, art, etc. around your home, your desk, your refrigerator, your car dashboard. Keep the good stuff front and center – for you and your kids.

4. Recharge Your Batteries. If you’re running on empty, you can’t give your child your best self – let alone you deserve to enjoy your best self yourself!   So give yourself a minute, just one minute right now, to reflect on something.

Think of a time recently when you were really happy. What were you doing, where were you, whom were you with?  Recall an experience when you felt alive, energized, joyful.  Simply put, what are some things that you enjoy doing? What brings you energy?  Excites or calms you? What’s fun for you? Now, would you like more of that in your life?

Okay, so do more of that.  YES, you can!  There are 32 half-hour segments in your waking day.  At least ONE of them can be for your pure unadulterated enjoyment – every single day!  I promise, the rest of the world will still survive if it only gets the other 31/32 parts of you.  If you’re truly committed to your top priorities (see 3 above), then you’ll need to recharge your batteries, refuel your gas tank, so you can actually reach your destination.  It’s really not optional – though as crazy, unconscious, martyring parents, we keep thinking it is.

And remember, if you’re suffering, you’re children are suffering.

So, go for that walk DAILY.  Pray.  Watch your favorite TV show.  Have lunch with that friend.  Read inspirational stories or passages.  Run, bike, or play volleyball. Have people that make you laugh over for dinner or dessert or a drink.  Get that back rub or bubble bath.  Take a half hour each night to snuggle under blankets with your child, eating popcorn, reading a book, or thumb wrestling.  Hug your partner, often. Whatever does it for you. Recharge.

Healthy mindfulness practice is about having brief periods of awareness repeated many times.  It’s not about taking some big chunk of time or meeting some grand goal or striving to be happy or healthy.  It’s about appreciating the gift of what is, in the present moment.

Be more present to the moments that bring you joy.  And insert them, bit by bit, into your daily life.

5. Recharge Your Child’s Batteries.  Ditto for your kids.  Structure it, guide it, see to it.  Don’t smother it or force it.  Give your child the space to have what nourishes them, perhaps with you, perhaps without. But be aware, and facilitate it. What re-energizes your child?  What soothes your child?  Make sure it’s a conscious part of the daily diet of family life.

6. Listen Carefully, Speak Clearly. Communication skills are fundamental to healthy, happy relationships.  And having close, supportive relationships is the single biggest predictor of well-being at any stage of life.  So nurture your relationship with your child, especially through the stressful transitions of back-to-school or otherwise, with mindful communications.

Listen with an open mind.  Don’t just be waiting your turn to get YOUR point across. As Steven Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  Are you really listening, not just to your child’s words, but to the thoughts and feelings behind those words?  Are you understanding what feelings, needs, struggles, desires your child is trying to express?  Acknowledgement and acceptance are critical, always. Approval is another matter.  You’ll want to consciously decide if you approve of what your child is saying or doing, and then act accordingly.

Speak with an open heart.  Be clear in your heart, what do you really care about in this situation?  What value or principle do you want your child to learn from you in this moment?  Get clear on that, then state it clearly and compassionately.  Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it meanly.

7. Work on Purpose.  Other critical life skills for your child include being creative, industrious, responsible, persistent.  To be able to work through difficulties without giving up.  To work towards a goal, even in the midst of frustrations and distractions, and achieve it.  To sustain attention and effort to a task, to persevere even when you don’t want to, to produce meaningful output through thoughtful input.  To gain mastery and competence and confidence.  These are important paths to a life well-lived.  And a nice by-product is they get you good grades in school, too.

So make clear to your child, these too are priorities.  Without nagging or perpetually complaining about the black cloud of homework or chores hanging overhead, get to it.  Schedule “classes” at home just like they do at school.  Or schedule homework or chore “appointments”, just like you do for doctors or music lessons or anything else.  Schedule time-limited (30, 45, 60 minutes) appointments into your calendar, 5-6 days a week.  Then get your child to show up at the appointed hour, and focus on that thing for that time.  Period.  No discussions or worrying about it before or afterwards. Just do it in that space at that time. Now is our time to work, just like now is our time to sleep, or now is our time to eat.  It’s planned and purposeful.

Preview with your child specifically what work he/she needs to do.  Briefly create a game plan for how they’ll do it, and make sure the materials or tools are there to succeed.  Be clear on the time expectations. You will “collect the papers” or “end the appointment” or “inspect the job” at a specific time. Set a timer or set an alarm on your watch or cell phone to cue you and/or your child. Encourage your child to do the best they can in that allotted time (just like they do when taking a test at school).  Expect that they can and will give their full engagement to this task at this time.  Remove any distractions, especially extraneous electronic ones.  Prime the pump by starting the child on the task, then fade away while remaining available if your child has any questions or needs any assistance.  Do random spot checks and provide positive, encouraging redirections.  Give a 5-10 minute warning before the end of the period.  At the end of the period, come in, briefly review and close.  Now let it go until the next scheduled appointment.  Set your child, and yourself, free!

8. Hang out and Play.  When looking at the weekly schedule, when looking at the hours left in the day, be sure to schedule some unscheduled time in there.  Don’t just let it happen by default, with unconscious “zombie screen time” sucking the hours away, and then awakening in a stupor at the end of the evening to “hey, what just happened, where did the time go?”  Rather, consciously insert “free play” or “down time” into your family life.

And pay attention to it.  Hanging out time can be the most sacred time you can have. It’s the space between the notes that makes the music sweet.  And this is the space where you and your child can really grow together.  This is when and where most children – especially teens – reveal themselves the most.  It’s where you get to see the person your child is becoming.  It can be unstructured – just literally sitting around, maybe watching TV or listening to music or witnessing a storm blow through.  It can be specified play time – as in, “Now we’re gonna have play time, what do you want to play?”

Card games, board games, video games, puzzles, charades, storytelling, make-believe, coloring, arts-and-crafts, sing-alongs, building forts or rube goldberg machines (google it!), playing catch in the back yard, sitting around a campfire, lingering at the table after dinner, or snuggling under the covers again.  The possibilities are endless. It can even be in the mundane moments of the day – while washing dishes or folding laundry or walking the dog or driving to the store together.

The key is, pay attention – not to your next “to do” item, but to the beauty of the moment, of just being with your kids.

9. Be Thankful. No matter what you do, some days the tensions and frustrations of the school day/week/year will get to you – or to your child.  You’ll feel overwhelmed and anxious.  You’ll be impatiently, impulsively angry at the world, and you’ll snap.  Go ahead, allow yourself that moment of frustration and self-doubt – of “why me?” or “damn you kid/parent/teacher/coach/God/whatever!”  Then let it go, and remember something else.

Remember how fortunate you are to have these problems. Remember how blessed you are to have this child, this parent, this spouse, this life – even all the ugly awful drudgery of it.  Now, if it’s a crisis or abusive situation, you need to work diligently and immediately to get out of harm’s way as best you can, of course.  And still, there will be things to be thankful for.  Don’t forget those things.  Be aware and awaken to them.  Appreciate them.

Practically, you can start each new day with a mindful moment or prayer of thanksgiving.  You can all share one thing you’re thankful for with each other at dinnertime or bedtime.  You can keep a gratitude journal where you write down 3 things that you appreciated about your day.  Recent research shows that these simple practices really do lead to less stress and more health and happiness in our lives – whatever the circumstances.

10. Just Breathe. The universal remedy.  It’s always with you – ready, willing, and able to help you heal. (Or not. It’s your choice.)  Whenever you’re feeling frantic, frenzied, or frazzled, you can always return to peacefulness by returning to your breath.  Slow, deep, cleansing breaths.  Out goes the tension, in comes the peace. Gently, lovingly, strongly – just breathe.  Let all other thoughts go lightly by.  You may notice them, but you are not, for the moment, controlled by them.  You are focusing on the sensations of your breathing. In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  Ahhhh.

Now you’re ready to return to number 1, and repeat these top ten tips over and over, bit by bit, as you and your child resume the daily activities of being back-to-school and on-the-go.  Mindfully.  Happily.  Perfectly imperfectly.  Content.

Gotta a story to tell…
I wrote to my congressman and senators the other day – furious and fed up about the polarized partisan absurdity going on in DC over the debt ceiling and budget woes and us teetering on the brink of a downward spiral towards national bankruptcy and international economic collapse.  Good times.
I asked them to please knock it the heck off – we’re not stupid, we don’t want any more placating sound bites, we need real solutions for our real baby boomer bubble for the coming decades, not just false hopes to get us through the next election cycle.  (For the record, I opined that it’s gotta include BOTH reducing expenses AND increasing revenues for a while to get us out of this debt hole, and yes it’ll mean hard truths and sacrifices for us all, and yes that better include the wealthiest amongst us, but so be it, we can’t keep getting something for nothing…)

Anyway, I went on to tell them I was losing all hope in our political system as well as our public leaders, because of the lack of civil discourse and honest problem-solving that we sorely need to move our country forward. (Just like the families I work with.)  I asked if they could please work together to find a realistic solution, given that we’re all in the same boat and we’ll all either sink or swim together on this one.

(Again, like the families I work with.)  I asked if they could please give me reason for hope again.
Meanwhile, I had some extra tough challenges at work and home this week.  It’s been one of those weeks where the harder you work, the further behind you feel; the more you get done, the more others want you to do; the more you want things to go a certain way, the more apt they are to go just about 180 degrees differently.
So finally I paid attention to the tension in my neck and back and head. I stopped pushing so hard to produce. Instead I quieted down, and started to listen – to what my body and the universe were trying to tell me.  Rather than pushing, I began to allow myself to be pulled in a direction that my heart knew to be true. Rather than trying so hard to achieve, I opened myself up to receive.
This took me on an alternative path to my destination (and who’s to say which is the main road and which is the detour, anyway?) – that of completing this article and some other reports by tomorrow’s deadline.
In short, I called a TIME OUT from the raging conflict within, and sought some brief TIME OFF to recharge my spirit. I let go of insisting on exactly how I was going to accomplish my responsibilities, though never doubting that I would. I just opened myself up to different possibilities about how I’d get there.
I stopped micromanaging myself, took a few deep cleansing breaths, and just entered into a brief centering prayer – allowing myself to become one with the flowing river of life, trusting where the current would take me.
It wasn’t long before the current brought me quite effortlessly to a meditation reading for today by Joan Borysenko (”Pocketful of Miracles”) that saved my sanity and led me on to something even more inspiring.
Her reflection for today:

“There is an old adage that angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. Steve Bhaerman is a humorist who often performs under the alias of Swami Beyonananda, the Yogi from Muskogy. Levity, he says, is the very best way of overcoming gravity. Have you heard the story about the guy who actually left his body permanently during a course on death and dying? He got an A.”
And her suggested practice for today:
“A joke a day may not keep the doctor away, but there is good scientific evidence that laughter actually brings forth the relaxation response. Why not? A good joke instantly breaks you out of everyday trance and the attachment to past and future and delivers you into the present moment where joy, harmony, and peace are as natural as breathing. Your spiritual practice today is to learn, and then tell, one joke. Notice the increase of the lifeforce energy when you laugh.”
Amen! This brought a smile to my lips and a tear to my eye. It was just the message I needed – to not take things so seriously – not a writing deadline, not a certain expectation that my child failed to meet, not even an impending economic meltdown.
I’ve always agreed with the old adage that “Laughter is the best medicine.” And it is important to practice, of course, what we preach. So I sought out Swami Beyonananda’s website, enjoyed some video clippings, and gave myself an endorphin bath with a good few minutes of LOL humor.
Then another magical thing happened. I went to the companion website, Steve Bhaerman’s blog, where I thoroughly enjoyed his editorial post about a transpartisan movement of people “left and right coming together front and center” to seek common-sense, common-cause, consensus-based solutions to our societal problems. (See http://notesfromthetrailblog.com/?p=280 if you’re interested.)
I loved it. It cheered me up. It recommitted me to my work to restore sanity to humanity, one family at a time. It spurred me on to write and complete a newsletter article in time for my deadline (Voila!). And much more than the form-letter replies I received from my congressman and senators, it gave me hope.
So here’s to summer living that is a little bit Steve, a little bit Swami – living out loud with both our heads and our hearts. And here’s to living ala his website: WakeUpLaughing.

Our spirits, our families, and our children, will benefit greatly.

]]> http://www.petermontminy.com/2011/07/wake-up-laughing/feed/ 0 http://www.petermontminy.com/2011/06/a-few-good-men/ http://www.petermontminy.com/2011/06/a-few-good-men/#comments Tue, 14 Jun 2011 20:24:44 +0000 admin http://www.petermontminy.com/?p=431

It’s June, and for some of us, that means graduation time – a time of traditions and transitions.  I’ve had the distinct pleasure and honor of traveling life’s journey with some really fun boys over the years who have developed into some really good young men.

Many of these boys have been clients who have struggled to overcome difficult life obstacles that have been thrown in their way; some have been family friends who have likewise strived to achieve their dreams through the growing-pains of adolescence; and one has been my son, whose quiet determination to succeed with humility and humor, has been an indescribable source of inspiration for me.

I’m so thankful for the many blessings that each and every one has brought into my life.  While I usually fill this space with my thoughts and words, today I’d like to share a bit of their stories.

With their permission, I am offering up a glimpse of what some of today’s youth think and feel about their world.  First, I have a senior speech written by a graduating high school student that I worked with to help him overcome some learning challenges and anxiety issues. Glad to say he succeeded in beating both and achieving his goal of a high school diploma.  Second, I have my son’s valedictorian speech that he gave this week at his high school graduation ceremony.  In both of these speeches, we see the hard earned wisdom – and gifts – of believing in yourself and in your community.

I couldn’t be more proud of both of them.

__________________________________________________

“Lessons Learned”
High School Senior Speech
By David Kidd

During my entire school career, I have struggled to meet expectations given to me, but several individuals have helped me scrape by. They’ve taught me lifelong lessons that will continue to help me long after I finish school. There are three specific lessons that have had the greatest impact on me.

FIRST, you can’t succeed unless you try. Success, in my book, is accomplishing something when you make the effort. Even winning the lottery requires buying a lottery ticket. There is no such thing as “free” success, even if telemarketers tell you otherwise. Yet, there is no limit on how much success you may have. You just need to apply yourself.

This speech was a very difficult task for me since I have never been good at writing essays, or so I often try to convince myself, and I had spent hours mulling over ideas for the topic, without gaining much ground. Yet, I made the effort. I worked through it. Now here I am giving my speech. I succeeded.

SECOND, if you have strengths, use them. Strengths are skills or interests that allow us to succeed easier. Some of my strengths are music, poetry, and working with technology. They are my strengths because I’m good at them. People enjoy doing things they are good at. If you enjoy creating art, then you should do so – it will make you happy. The same goes for choosing a career. You want a career that you will enjoy, so you should get a job that you’ll be good at. If you have something that you need to accomplish do it in a way that you are good at – use your strengths to help you do it.

Earlier this year, I was asked to write a piece about Shakespeare’s play “Hamlet”.  The type of piece we wrote was our choice. Poetry is one of my strengths, so I used this strength and wrote a poem about “Hamlet”.  Not only was this much easier for me than writing an essay would have been, but I also enjoyed writing it.

THIRD, you decide your limits.  If you believe you can accomplish something, you can. If you don’t believe you can do it, you’ll find it to be nearly impossible. If you set no limit, it can be surprising how much you really can do. It is your beliefs about your abilities that determine their limits.
I believed that I could make it through high school. Well, I’ve made it this far, and Graduation is just around the corner. I believed I couldn’t pull off strait A’s, and my transcript agrees with me. I have no limit for where I take my life, so perhaps I’ll surprise myself there, too.

These lessons I’ve learned by listening to peers
My mom and my sisters, for many long years

Success isn’t free; you have to try
Or you can choose to kiss your dreams goodbye

Having success is fun; it’s true
And your strengths make success even easier for you

If you set a limit, that’s where you will stay
So don’t set a limit that gets in your way

These lessons aren’t trinkets to put on a shelf
They’re life-lessons that can help you to better yourself

__________________________________________________

Valedictorian Address
By Kevin Montminy

When I was first asked to give a speech representing the Class of 2011, I went where any high school student of my generation would: straight to Google. I typed in Valedictorian speech and immediately over a million different sites were at my disposal to write a fool-proof speech that would incorporate everything a successful speaker needs. Looking over all the different ideas that could be used as the theme to my speech, I realized something extremely important about my school and classmates. No web site, how-to blog, or search engine could truly speak to the special class of which I am a part. I could have picked any vague or indistinguishable idea that sounded great and supposedly addressed these last four years of our lives and the next step we are about to take, but with this class and school, it just didn’t seem right. Instead I closed the internet browser and looked over my high school career and thought about the great things Penns Valley has given me. Memories of all the different moments so far in my life flooded me, and I realized that nothing I said or wrote would do this class and our time together justice.

For all the people sitting here there are an assortment of different personal memories that they carry with them. Collectively, when all these are put together, we have something extraordinary. And that’s what I believe we have here at Penns Valley. Plenty of different school districts pride themselves on their sense of community, but it’s here that I see it the most. What I’ve experienced is a student body that knows each other. I look around up here and see every face of the class of 2011 looking back at me, and I wouldn’t want to be sharing this moment with any other group. High school is only one small part of life, but it has been the most important part of our lives so far.

Many of you will move on to do tremendous things, but one thing I know for certain is you will never forget the parts of your life that have made you who you are today because of what Penns Valley Area High School has given you. In school or out, this class and this time of our lives will be looked back upon as something special. It can’t be defined by dictionaries or the internet but can only be remembered and carried on by each individual sitting here with us tonight. It’s a little intimidating to think that our Penns Valley career is coming to a close. But is it really? If there was one thing I learned growing up here is that Penns Valley will never be something that is over for us. With this school and class, it’s actually a new beginning. The people of this community and school will be there with us as we head off into a new realm of reality.

Remembering our class and the times we had, makes me look forward to the future. As the poet Robert Frost once said, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: “it goes on.” For that, I have to admit I may have used Google, but nevertheless it reminds us that high school is a platform that we are about to jump off of into whatever we may want to pursue. This jump does not have to be a complete blind leap of faith. We have a base that we have established through the years at Penns Valley and now it is our chance to build upon this and make life what we want it to be. The great memories and opportunities of these last years here should excite us to do bigger and better things. They are the building blocks of our life, and I am truly happy to have such a strong foundation that I can attribute to the people of this Valley and school.

Lastly, I want to thank you, Class of 2011, for making my and everyone else’s experience at Penns Valley such a distinguishable and memory-filled stage of my journey in life. Without everyone here, we wouldn’t be what we are. Everyone contributed to add his or her own special touch to defining what this class is about. It’s not what Google or Wikipedia may have told me to write, but this class is even more special because of each person who is about to graduate from this great school. I am proud to be a part of this class and will never forget, no matter where I go in life, what this community and school have done for me. I hope you do the same. With that, congratulations to all of you, and may your dreams fly as high as your hats. Good luck!

Last week we set the stage for how to help your pre-teen make smart choices for their budding friendships.  This week, we look at the other half of the battle, which involves ongoing supervision and involvement in your child’s activities.

As always, just the right balance is called for here.  You will probably not succeed as a ruthless dictator.  Nor will you succeed as an indifferent, too-busy-to-pay-attention enabler.  We need to actively pay attention, and guide our kids’ choices as best we can, while accepting our limitations.  God knows we can’t know it all or control it all.  Still, we have the right to know WHERE our children are hanging out, WITH WHOM they’re hanging out, and WHAT they are doing while they’re hanging out.

Make it clear that your children are earning the privilege to go out and socialize with friends.  The more honesty and integrity they show you in their choice of social activities, the more trust and independence they can earn.  So when they say they’re going to be with friend X at place Y doing activity Z, they darned well better be doing just that.   You have the right, in fact the responsibility, as a parent to pre-certify that this choice is A-OK – that it’s consistent with your family’s values and your child’s best interests.

How do you safely certify your child’s social choices?  Here’s my list of “Top 10 Tips:”

1. Be very clear with your child what is and is not acceptable behavior, and what consequences will follow what behaviors.  Remind your children that the fun or not-so-fun results are up to them and the behavioral choices they make.  If things have been really rough, you can literally make a list and post it of “Approved” and “Not Approved” Persons, Places, and Activities for your child.

2. Get to know the friend’s name (both first and last – you’d be surprised…), as well as the friend’s address, phone number, and parents’ names.  You need to know this information in case of an emergency, so get it up front as a matter of course, period.

3. Talk to the friend’s parents, on the phone and then in person, about the kids’ plans, your expectations, and the need for open communication between you and them.  These are your allies, make sure you feel that way!

4. Have your child invite the friend(s) over to your house for an after-school activity or dinner before your child does other things with them.

5. Spend the first few minutes chatting with your child and the friend about their day, interests, family, etc.  Then briefly review house rules with them together.  Yeah, the kids may be uncomfortable, embarrassed, or bored, but you want to know if this friend has the basic social skills and manners that you expect.  And you want this friend to see you as a present parent, one who is in charge of this household, who they are accountable to, and who they can turn to if there is any trouble.

6. Let the kids go have their fun, keeping one eye and one ear on the activities.  Check in periodically, offer refreshments, whatever, but do so sparingly.  Now is the time to show some trust.

7. Provide consistent discipline.  Don’t let the children get away with behaviors you find unacceptable just because you’re afraid of embarrassing your child in front of your friends.  Stick to your guns right from the beginning, and you will be sending a powerful message to your children and their friends.  A little bit of this may actually stick and lead to some self-discipline when they are away from your monitoring eyes and ears.

8. Wrap up the get-together by having a brief, casual conversation with the kids together again, perhaps while transporting the friend home.  Regardless of transportation arrangements, make sure all the kids always check in to say “hello” and “goodbye” with you.  It’s a safety check, it’s good manners, and it’s establishing a real relationship with them, so they will respect your influence in a more real way.  Plus it’s just plain friendly and fun.

9. Afterwards, process briefly with your child how it went for them.  You are not interrogating, you are earnestly interested in whether your child had a good time, and if they think they want to spend more time with this friend.  Have an open dialogue, and be frank about what you enjoyed or didn’t about the friend.  If the friend crossed clear limits for acceptable behavior, be clear that this cannot continue.  Don’t attack or criticize your child.  Support him or her in thinking about what to do given the problem.  Encourage your children to think about how they could stop or redirect that behavior in their friends, how they could pursue other activities or situations that wouldn’t as likely lead to the forbidden behavior, or how they could better spend their time with other friends.

10. If things went well, encourage and support your child in spending more time in various activities with this friend.  The best defense against antisocial behaviors in adolescence is having your child engaged in prosocial activities and relationships.  Fill the void with good stuff, and more good stuff will happen.

In addition to academics, success in the social arena is becoming the primary job of your pre-teen.  Help them succeed.  Join your child in constructive thinking about their behavioral and social choices.  Then let them venture off to experiment.

It’s not a perfect science – for parent or child – mistakes will be made.  But with these safeguards in place, we all stand a better chance.

Parents often worry about their children’s choices of friends, especially as they enter the pre-teen and early adolescent years.  We wonder, will my child have any friends, the right kind of friends, who will they be, and what will they be doing?  How will I know if my child’s getting in trouble, hanging with the wrong crowd, or getting exposed to sex, drugs, or violence in ways I don’t approve?    Yikes!  If you weren’t neurotic before, these child-rearing years can certainly do it to you.

Our children don’t help much.  They are increasingly seeking comfort, advice, and camaraderie not within the family, but with their peer group instead.  And that peer group increasingly demands privacy from the parents’ eyes and ears.  We watch from the sidelines (or the chauffeur’s seat in the car) as this drama unfolds.  The kids are gleefully passing notes, phoning, emailing, IMing, texting, skyping, etc. one another.  They’re planning sleep-overs, challenging each other to truth-or-dares, ragging on each other and the world, and sharing heartfelt secrets.  We often have mixed feelings ranging from pride and humor (“Isn’t it cute/great/funny – reminds me of when I was that age”) to horror and dread (“Oh no, what are they up to – reminds me of when I was that age”).

So how to handle our children’s move towards a more independent social life – whether it be blossoming or struggling?  How do we guide our children’s development of healthy friendships without being overly intrusive or neglectful?  A few tips.

First, make your values and limits perfectly clear.  Of course, but how?  NOT with stern, long-winded lectures.  The trick here is to find the brief teachable moments, to share our thoughts in brief sentences, and to encourage repeatedly brief dialogues with out kids about important issues.  (Note the operative word “brief” in the preceding sentence.)

Remember that talks with children at this age are usually best when they are not eye-to-eye, intense verbal discussions focused directly on the child.  Rather, we can use shared TV shows, movies, music, car radio news reports, internet headlines, popular you tube videos, local parent or kid chatter to make our point.

Share and explore what you’re seeing and hearing in the world.  Ask questions about what they’re seeing and hearing in the world.  Use these examples of pro-social and anti-social behaviors as opportunities for discussion about making smart choices.  Ask your kids, where would they draw the line and why?

It’s best to focus on a person’s behavior choices and the natural consequences of those behaviors, not making broad judgments about the person per se.  This is true whether you’re discussing social behaviors observed in the media, the neighborhood, or your own home.

Be empathic, acknowledge the struggle the child may have felt, and point out the positive and negative choices the child could make.  Be clear that positive behavioral choices lead to positive outcomes, and negative choices lead to negative consequences – sooner or later.  (What goes around, comes around!)  Be realistic and fair, and whatever you do, do not exaggerate to make your point.  Kids this age have seriously sensitive BS detectors.

You can use these techniques with almost any topic: smoking, drinking, sex, shoplifting, borrowing, curfews, homework, academic achievement, sportsmanship, morals, hygeine, appearance, eating and sleeping habits, chores, respectful or appropriate talking, trust, commitment, fairness, tolerance, social activities, and more.

Chat with your kids about these issues as they come up and while you’re eating, driving, washing dishes, going for a walk, playing a board game, or just hanging out.  Make sure you have some casual together times daily (at least several times weekly) – to make room for such conversation.  And during these times, make sure you allow the child to contribute his or her ideas, that you are having a dialogue, not a monologue.

Are you respectfully listening to your child’s ideas, before respectfully sharing your own?  Openly and carefully consider your child’s thoughts, feelings, and points of view.  Empathize with their struggles, challenges, and peer pressures.  Then return to your core values and expectations, quite clearly and directly.  Repeat as needed.

You are planting seeds. Just plant them and gently water from time to time.  Do not insistently overwater.

As always, reality check, are you practicing what you’re preaching.  There is no better way to make your values stick with your kids that to daily practice and live them.  None of us are perfect, but how close are we?  The closer our behaviors match our words, the closer our children’s behaviors will match our wishes.

Now, you have laid the groundwork for your children to go out and make smart choices for themselves about their activities and their friends.  That’s half the battle.  The second half of this parenting game plan will be discussed next week.  So stay tuned for ideas on how to effectively monitor your tween’s social life.

“If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”  It’s Mother’s Day weekend, and how better to celebrate than to recognize this old truism.  For a family to function and thrive, it needs a mom who feels well, does well, is well.  Of course, we double our chances of a happy, healthy family if dads join in on this wellness plan too.

So let’s see, how can parents maintain a happy, healthy lifestyle in the midst of their crazy busy lives?  Take care of yourself first, and then you’ll be able to take good care of your children.  Remember, children learn what they live.  So, here’s a reminder of the seven dimensions of living well that you may want to foster in your home.

1. Physical Wellness.  It’s about understanding your “heredity and habits” – your biological vulnerabilities and risk factors, along with your lifestyle choices, that will help you prevent injuries, illness, and disease in your life.  Be proactive with your body, not reactive, and get regular medical care that includes wellness visits.  Then practice the “Big 3” –  SLEEP enough, EAT smart, EXERCISE regularly.

2. Intellectual Wellness.  It’s about maintaining an open mind and curiosity about the world, being eager to learn new ideas, skills, and customs.  Stay young and vibrant by being a “life-long learner” – exploring new experiences, developing new competencies.  Read, listen, discuss with others, debate, challenge yourself, think critically not just blindly.  Give yourself some creative outlet – make time for a hobby that engages your brain and your heart.

3. Emotional Wellness.  It’s about being aware of your full range of emotions, accepting them, and regulating your expression of them.  Gently acknowledge that it’s okay to feel sad, mad, scared, etc., it’s what we do with it that counts.  Practice self-regulation (from self-awareness to self-control to self-worth).  Develop relaxation strategies.  Focus on gratitude and forgiveness (yourself as well as others) and charity, and you’ll find your way to more hope and happiness.

4. Spiritual Wellness.  It’s about having a set of guiding principles and values that give your life meaning and purpose.  Often it may include a faith in a higher power, a Universal life energy, a living God, and a shared religious community or practice.  Always it includes a belief in the power of love, of hope, of goodness surrounding us, and the practice of compassion for one another.

5. Social Wellness.  It’s about your roles and relationships – how much you experience and maintain a sense of connection with others.  Do you feel loved and loving towards family and friends?  Do you feel committed to the well-being of your communities – both local and global?  Seek companionship with positive, supportive people.  Practice constructive communication and conflict resolution skills.  Listen attentively, speak respectfully, play joyfully with those close to you.  Connect and offer service to those in need, near or far from you.  Be a part of something bigger.

6. Vocational Wellness.  It’s about career satisfaction.  Seek a job where your gifts, talents, and skills are applied in ways that are meaningful and fulfilling.  This can happen anywhere and in any task or responsibility – no matter how seemingly big or small. Love what you do!  Surround yourself with positive, encouraging, and supportive co-workers.  Be one yourself.  Find strength in teamwork.  And maintain a healthy work/life balance.  Be fully present at your work, for a limited time only.  Then be fully present to the rest of your life as well.  That’s how you’ll be most productive in both realms.

7. Environmental Wellness.  It’s about being appreciative of mother nature and aware of our interdependence with all things on this living earth.  It’s about maximizing harmony and minimizing harm to the planet.  Yes, it’s about thinking globally and acting locally.  Maintain a safe, clean, and beautiful home and work environment.  Practice the “3-Rs” of healthy consumerism – reduce, reuse, and recycle.

There you have it – 7 Ways of Living Well.  This isn’t another to-do list for you to be burdened by.  This is a list of values and priorities to set your compass by.  It’s a way-of-being list.  How do you want to be in this world?  “Be well, do well.”  With a wellness-centered view of your life – pausing to reflect on these 7 dimensions of wellness – you can then choose daily to-do items that enhance your energy and your joi de vivre.  Life is too short to do otherwise.  Carpe diem!

Practice these 7 habits of wellness in whatever way suits you.  Focus on one area, one step at a time – and take some mindful action that you’re ready, willing, and able to follow through with.  Fall off the wagon?  Just get up and get back on, and keep on going.

As a mentor of mine once said, “It doesn’t matter what you choose, as much as it matters that you choose.”  So choose some wellness area you care a lot about right now, and take that next step.  Just do it.  And enjoy it.  You – and your kids – deserve it!

We’ve all been there: “We all make mistakes.”  It’s easy for us to say those comforting words – to be compassionate and forgiving – when we see someone else’s kid really mess up.  But how do we handle it when it’s one of our own?  With the same loving kindness and wisdom?

We do all make mistakes, especially our children who are growing up trying to figure out what’s right, what’s wrong, and what they want to do about it.  These moment-to-moment choices ultimately determine where they fit in and who they are.  Our children grow from being naïve, immature pre-schoolers to more aware, mature decision-making pre-adults.  Hopefully.

Are you Laughing-Out-Loud?  If your child has gotten to the teen years yet, or even the tween years, you probably are.  Or you’re rolling your eyes.  Or you’re holding your breath.

It’s so challenging nowadays for both parents and kids to get through the journey from childhood to adulthood without facing some major mistakes and set-backs along the way.  There are just too many challenges, temptations, stressors, and plain bad influences surrounding them at every turn – online and off.

Yes, kids make mistakes.  Big ones.  We’re talking cheating, stealing, or lying.  Physically fighting, bullying or harassing others, vulgar or hurtful gossiping, vengeful acts, self-mutilation.  Drinking, smoking weed, snorting worse, having sex – unsafe or otherwise.  Violating some important family value or social norm.  Making some serious errors of judgment that negatively affect them or those around them.

And sometimes they get caught up in a peer group where these choices get reinforced, glorified, vilified, and amplified, especially in today’s social media world.  Before your child knows it, a single action can get perversely distorted as it spreads like wildfire across the facebook, twitter, and texting landscape of tweens and teens.  Your child gets to relive his or her mistake over and over, and others do too, until a reputation can be built up or broken down in a heartbeat.

What’s a well-meaning parent (or teacher or counselor or coach) to do?  As Winston Churchill said, “All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them.”  How do you help your child get through these growing up mistakes so that they really do learn from them, grow stronger from them?

I’ve developed a protocol over the years for older children and adolescents to go through with a parent (or counselor) when they’ve made a major life mistake – or even a series of them.  It’s called “Resetting Your Compass.”

First, when you discover the bad news about the bad choices your child has made, collect yourself.  Literally take some deep breaths, and spend a few minutes or hours reflecting on what you know, what you don’t know, and how you feel.  Get centered on what you really want your child to learn from this experience – what are the solutions to whatever problems or challenges your child was facing at the time, and how do you hope your child will change for the better as you move forward.  Get the facts first, as clearly as possible – while accepting the fact that you’ll never know all the facts for sure anyway!  But don’t dwell on the past and “why’s,” focus on the future and “how’s.”

As soon as you’ve collected your thoughts and emotions, and done likewise with your spouse or co-parent, then schedule a quiet time and place to sit down with your child to discuss (a) what happened, (b) why, and (c) so what?

The “so what?” part is ultimately the part that matters most. As in, so what do we do now (consequences, restitution, remediation) and what do we do differently moving forward.  Accept that everyone at the table has a responsibility for the problem and the solution.  Discuss how you will guide and supervise your child (and his/her peers) moving forward.  And elicit from your child how he/she will be making smarter choices, even in the face of temptation or adversity, moving forward.

To help with this part, I’ve developed the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire that helps your child review their Big Mistake(s) in terms of where they were coming from, where they are now, and where they’re heading.

I strongly recommend that part of the immediate consequence for your tween or teen is to take this “take home test” seriously.  After your first big sit-down discussion with your child about what happened and what do we do now, let him/her know that this discussion has been “Part 1” of several healing steps you are going to guide your child through, to see that he/she regroups, recovers, and grows stronger from this experience.

The second step is for your teen or tween to take this questionnaire with them (electronic or paper copy) and spend a week reflecting on their answers, and writing them down.  Give the child a week to read, pray, think, discuss with whomever they want whatever they want to about these questions.  But mostly you want them to look inward, not outward, for their answers.  It’s often good to encourage them to read some relevant, inspirational book or passages (yes, hand them to them!) or maybe watch a relevant movie with a moral, to help prime the pump.

Anyway, then they must write or type or dictate their answers to each question, and bring their written responses to the next meeting with you.

Let them know that the writing part is for them only – to promote introspection and honesty with themselves – you will not read the written answers.  But you will look to see that they wrote at least several sentences for each question.  Why?  We want them to go deeply here, not superficially.  You’re using this process for the big mistakes, not the little ones, and we want them to have a big learning experience, hopefully a big change of heart.  That only comes with thoughtful reflection and some extra work.

In your second meeting a week later, ask your son or daughter to summarize their answers to you, to tell you about what they’ve learned, what they really think or feel, how they really want to live their life, and what they need (from themselves, you, and others) to succeed at living that life.  How do they intend to move forward, being their best self, even in the face of a tempting, pressuring, crazy world out there.

Let them know you’re there for them, always, with love.  And limits.  And be sure to follow-up regularly with observations, comments, and questions about these matters.  It’s not a one-time deal, it’s about ongoing support and guidance.

For those of you motivated enough to get to the end of this article, feel free to use the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire as a tool towards self-discovery and healing. It’s here for you at no charge (at www.kidstepcoaching.com/compass) – for whenever you or your child makes a big mistake.

Be one of the wise ones – learn from it.  And keep on growing.