Two moments of awareness today that I want to share with you.

First, as I was reading a magazine at breakfast this morning, I came across a full page ad for the Fresh Air Fund – showing two kids playing in the ocean surf.  The words across the top of the page spoke to me – perhaps because I’m being extra sentimental around my upcoming 50th birthday.

THE ONLY THING MORE FLEETING THAN SUMMER IS…  Childhood.

Hmmm, how true I thought.  How precious those moments.  Both mine.  And my children’s.

Then, on the car radio this morning (KLOVE), the DJs were encouraging listeners to submit their best parenting advice for the show’s producer – who is about to be a first-time dad.

They read their favorite tip from one listener, Gail, who posted this on their blog site:

If I had only one point to get across on parenting it would be to never rush through your child’s life.  We have a tendency to think are they ever going to hold their bottle, are they ever going to walk, are they ever going to talk or feed themselves or get potty trained.  Life with your child is so short, enjoy every minute of it that you can.  Make up your mind that it’s okay if your child is not on the same schedule as everyone else’s and love that child through every milestone. Make time to play. You can’t get back time.

Wow!  Now that just may be the best parenting tip this parenting coach and proud papa has heard in a long time.  And completely consistent with my upcoming Timechoicing Family Wellness Programs this fall.  It is SO important to remain as awake and mindful as possible, to appreciate the gifts of childhood given to us – even the ugly, struggling ones that have much to teach us.

So, how about you?

If you had one idea, one key bit of advice to give a parent today, what would it be?

Please share your thoughts directly to me at Support@KidstepCoaching.com and I’ll gladly share them with our readers in upcoming issues.  Or add your comments below.

And may you continue to enjoy the fleeting moments of summer, and childhood, that are given to you each day.

Just yesterday at our clinic, I spoke with three families who were distraught about nothing more and nothing less than the pace of their lives.  Let me tell you about it.

First scenario.  There was the mother of a 15 year old girl who had come to us recently, very concerned about her daughter’s increasingly belligerent, moody, and withdrawn behaviors.  She felt it was very important to get her into counseling as soon as possible, because the girl rarely spoke in the home, except to blow up at her parents at random, then retreat into her room, headphones, and computer for hours and refuse to come out.  Recently they had discovered some very disturbing information about their daughter and her friends on Facebook. 

We had given the mother some times for the next week to bring her daughter in for an appointment.  She consulted three different calendars, one for each child, fretted about how she didn’t know if she could make it to those appointment times because this child had volleyball and that child had to be driven to soccer camp and the other had youth group and so on.  She left the office saying she’d check on some things and call back.

A week later, those appointment times had come and gone, and we hadn’t heard from this family – until yesterday.  The mother called in, saying she was still quite worried about her daughter, and wanting that same appointment time for next week.  I politely informed her that that time wasn’t available next week, it had only been available this past week.  She became irate, and berated me on the phone because now she would have to go back and look at all her calendars all over again, and she didn’t know how she was ever going to fit these “very important” counseling sessions into their family’s busy schedule.  After being offered several new times, she angrily said she’d get back to us as soon as she figured some things out, and hung up in a huff.

Hmmm, what’s wrong with this picture…?

Second scenario.  I met with a polite and generally affable 12 year-old-boy who slumped back into his chair, looking as forlorn as you can imagine.  He had just started coming in at the end of the school year for attention and organization difficulties, needing some help keeping up with the increasing demands of middle school.  Now school had just ended, and it was the first week of summer vacation, and he was looking more depressed than ever.

“How you doing?” I asked.  “Well, okay, I guess,” he replied with a sigh that would make Eeyore proud. “What’s the matter?” I persisted, using my most brilliant therapeutic skills to deduce that something was wrong.

“Well, it’s just that today I had band camp in the morning, and then I had to come here, and then I have drum lessons next, and then some physical fitness thing at the Y, and then I have to go to a boy scout meeting tonight.  And I was hoping to just chill out a bit this summer.”  Tears welled up in his eyes as he slumped back into the chair even further, looking defeated and hopeless.

Third scenario.  I was coaching two very intelligent professionals who are kind and caring parents.  We have been working on how to manage the impulsive and defiant behaviors of their 6-year-old adopted son.  The mother was spending the summer at home with their two children, intent on giving them the loving attention and support they felt they needed. 

After the first week of summer, this mother was already feeling overwhelmed, because she had managed to take them to a number of enriching, fun, and social activities throughout the first week, but now was at a loss for how to keep the kids productively entertained for the next week, and for 8 more weeks after that.

When I helped her see the value of unscheduled time, the critical importance, in fact, of having “down time” for both kids and parents to relax and recharge their batteries, this mother literally broke down in tears of relief.  She had been feeling such pressure, insidious and subtle, to keep up with all the other mothers who seemed to have such full and happy lives and such wonderful children.

As we talked more, it became clear that both mom and dad were swept up in unspoken worries about their children keeping up with the other kids in this relatively well-off neighborhood and school district.  They only wanted the best for their kids, to make sure they wouldn’t be left behind, academically or socially, athletically or artistically.

Like all caring parents, they wanted to know that their kids were going to be alright, that they’d grow up to be happy, healthy, and productive members of society, and that they, as parents, had done everything possible for their kids.  They didn’t want to feel guilty that they hadn’t given their kids the best shot at life.

When I reassured them that the need for unscheduled, free-play time was just as critical to their child’s development as anything else they might do, they felt an intense release.

Of course, the key is “all things in moderation.”  We don’t want kids who are 24/7 couch potatoes, and we don’t want overscheduled walking-zombies either.

I came home from work yesterday after these three encounters all fired up.  This has been making me crazy for a while now, and I can’t take it anymore.  None of us can, or should!  All the pressures to go, go, go are taking a terrible toll on our emotional well-being, our family relationships, and our kids’ mental health.  It’s just not right.

So I introduce to you today a new word for a critically important concept – the opposite of mindlessly multi-tasking – is what I call timechoicing.

Timechoicing is the act of mindfully choosing how you will spend your time.  It’s the ability of humans to stop, take a deep breath, and make a conscious choice to do what is most important to their well-being.  – To act according to your highest values and principles.  To accept responsibility for how you, and your children, will invest your time today – each day – on healthy, life-fulfilling habits.  And yes, sometimes that means less is more.

How will you know what the right balance is for you and your children?  Take the simple gut-check test.  Are you feeling happy, enthusiastic, energized?  Focused and relaxed?  Or scattered, frustrated, overwhelmed, and exhausted?  How about your child?  Are your daily interactions filled with more playful laughter and acts of loving kindness or more bitter bickering and acts of defiance or disrespect or disregard.

Add or subtract activities to your daily life – varying the quantity and quality – until you have the right mix that works for your kids, your family, your lifestyle.  Stop and think about what relaxes you and energizes you, and make the conscious choice to do more of those things.  Reflect on what frustrates or exhausts you, and consciously choose to change those things or expose yourself to less of them.  Ditto for your kids.

Of course, you may need help shedding old unhealthy habits and growing new healthy habits.  If so, go get yourself a really good family wellness coach and get to it.  (I know someone who’d be glad to help!)

It’s not that you don’t have the time, it’s that you’re not choosing to spend your time on what you say matters most.  Take charge, and make sure you’re timechoicing in a way that serves you and your children best.

Relax and enjoy the days of summer.  Yes, you can.  Will you?

It’s Memorial Day Weekend.  Do you know where you mind is?  How about your heart?

You’ve got an extra day off from work; the kids have the day off from school.  So what are you doing with this gift of time?  Tend to the garden, go to a park, have a cook-out, catch up on some chores, visit some friends, wash cars, pay bills, surf the web, go to a movie, clean the bathrooms, or what?  What are you going to do with this little holiday break, the unofficial start of summer, and why?

It’s a national holiday, and the United States will honor those who gave their lives to protect our country and to protect the ideals of freedom and liberty for all.  Who will you be remembering and honoring, so that their lives will continue to be a positive influence on your children?

Amongst all the running around, or just putting your feet up and doing nothing, take a few minutes each day this weekend to pause, reflect, and be aware of what you are thankful for.  What gifts of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are you enjoying right now, thanks to the country that with all its flaws has provided you with these opportunities?  And give thanks to a God or Universe that, without any flaws, has seen to it that your life is just perfect as it is – whatever the circumstances, you are loved and worthy of love.

Now, with a centering prayer or reflection of gratitude like that each day this weekend, go ahead and pay attention to those thoughts as much as you can throughout the day.  Notice how lighter and happier you may feel.  Notice how your attitude about the stresses of daily life may shift, and the more important matters of the heart rise to the surface more easily.

Quietly notice what other pleasures you see around you that you are thankful for.  Let this awareness guide you in feeling more free and giving to others – especially with your children.

With this heightened awareness of what you are grateful for, what and whom you wish to remember this weekend, you will more easily honor those that came before you, and more fully pass on those gifts of love to your children, family, and friends.

Now, with that little extra oomph of gracious awareness, spoken out loud to your family or just carried as a glowing light inside you, go crank up the grill and have some fun!

I went outside yesterday morning to take our daughter to the bus and stopped dead in my tracks.  “Ahhhh.  Feel that?” I asked Hannah.  “Do you feel that?  That’s what Spring feels like!” 

It was a glorious, crisp morning with the sun coming up over the mountains spraying our lush green fields and woods with sparkling orange and yellow highlights.  Brilliant blue skies with scattered wisps of white cotton provided a carefree canopy overhead.  The air was freshly cleansed from the previous night’s thundershowers, and the sweet smell of lilacs and honeysuckle tickled our noses.

“Look around and take in this beautiful day that we’ve been given,” I encouraged my little girl, as she probably rolled her eyes behind me.  “And listen.”  We stood still, taking in the day through all our senses for just minute, and listened to two, then three, then four different song birds fill the air with their mating melodies.  Ahh, “It’s May, it’s May, the lusty month of May!” I thought, smiling to myself as the tune from a long-cherished performance of Camelot echoed in my mind.

Two frolicking squirrels chased each other across the lawn.  A family of deer grazed casually in our western field.  And bees literally buzzed about the blossoms of our walnut trees.  The cool morning air and warm glowing sunshine took turns kissing my cheeks, and I deeply inhaled the sweetness of it all.

Moments like these bring me such joy and peace.  They give me the strength to dive back in to the white-water rapids of the daily stream of life. 

I gave a brief prayer of thanks, and one of hope that little Hannah would really remember this morning.  Hoping that she would be graced with many such memories of a sweet-smelling, peaceful, and loving home that was simply there, always there, around her. 

Then off we went, back into the bustling activities of a busy family – enjoying the rest of the season’s treats.  This week has included Kevin’s high school prom and the end of his baseball season, more of Hannah’s little league games (where the pure joy of getting safely to first base can still make your day complete!), and Sarah’s return home from college final exams.  We can’t wait to visit our oldest daughter Jen and her vibrant new life in New York City next weekend.

Meanwhile, today is our son’s 17th birthday, and tonight we head to Virginia for his weekend AAU basketball tournament.  But first, we’ll cheer Hannah and her classmates on at their annual elementary school track and field day.  She’s very excited (probably far more so than during yesterday’s bird singing extravaganza), because the highlight of the day will be who gets bragging rights from each grade’s old-fashion tug-of-war contest. 

The second grade finale features Mrs. Glossner’s class (with Hannah) versus Mrs. Smith’s class.  Hannah and her girlfriends have concocted a secret plan to victory – and she’s been practicing all last night and this morning.  See, just as they begin, the girls are going to start singing Taylor Swift’s hit “You Belong With Me” while they heave-ho.  They figure the boys on the other team will be so shocked and distracted, and maybe even cover their ears, that their team will quickly pull them all over to win the day! 

Hope springs eternal, as they say.  And I hope you enjoy yours with your children.

Food.  Sex.  Sleep.  That about covers it.  Need anything else to satisfy your deepest longings? 

All animals, including we humans, share in these basic drives.  The drive to survive.  But beyond these basics, what else drives us as human beings?  What motivates us to behave the way we do?  And more often on the minds of parents and teachers nowadays, what on earth will motivate these kids?

Daniel Pink has an eye-opening new book out about this topic, titled DRIVE – The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.  He draws heavily on the pioneering works of psychologists Carolyn Dweck and Edward Deci – furthering our understanding of intrinsic motivation.

Huh?  Well, there’s extrinsic motivation – doing something at someone else’s urging and for some external reward – studying to get a good grade to earn $5 from dad.  And there’s intrinsic motivation – doing something because it is interesting to you, the process is stimulating and engaging, and it feels good inside as we rise to the challenge.

Which would we rather see develop in heavy doses in our children?  Which do we see most heavily relied on in today’s classrooms and even some living rooms?

Pink neatly summarizes the scientific body of work that helps us realize that beyond the basic biological drives, we have three innate psychological drives – for autonomy, mastery, and purpose or meaning.  Our well-being and life satisfaction are heavily influenced by how much we feel we have choices, how much we feel competent and capable, and how much our contributions have some meaningful connection to others and the greater good.

When kids work because they’re ordered to by adults, when they have to keep working on things they’re not good at, when they have to do busy-work that doesn’t have any relevant meaning in their lives, then what might we expect?  We can expect to see decreased productivity, compliance, enthusiasm, and motivation to do that work.

What to do instead?  Whenever possible, ask yourself these three questions and apply them before requiring your child or student to perform work:

1. Am I offering the child any autonomy over how and when to do this work?  Remember to offer a “Choice Within Limits.”  Your bottom line sets the limit – as in, you expect your child to complete his homework tonight, yet he can choose to do it before or after dinner, in the kitchen or bedroom, etc. (as long as we see that the work gets done that way!).  Give your child some “little say” so they have some investment or ownership in getting the job done in a way that works best for them.

2. Does this assignment promote mastery by offering a novel, engaging task?  Think of ways the task can engage the child’s natural strengths, interests, or affinities.  Provide variety and encourage creativity.  Be sure to praise the child’s efforts and persistence, more than the outcome or product (more on this another day).

3. Does the child understand the purpose of the assignment?  Can they see how this activity contributes to the greater good at home, school, or in the world?  After giving a request or command, remember to ask your child “What do you need to do? And Why?!”  Take the extra minute to make sure they understand the instructions and the point of it all.  If you’re not clear on the point yourself, why would you expect your child to be motivated to do something that is pointless?! 

Use these opportunities to discuss with your children your values, what is important and meaningful in your family or classroom, and how your child can and will be a big part of that!  Also ask them what’s important to them, and how this work can be connected to that.

Remember to be calm and firm, or better yet, encouraging and enthusiastic.  The more you show intrinsic motivation, engagement, and positive energy in a goal or task, the more likely your children will too.

I know a mom (do you?) who gets up at 6:00 every weekday morning to begin her routine as the family field general.  She makes the kids’ lunches, signs permission notes, makes sure game uniforms are out of the dryer, and checks backpacks for homework.  Getting iPods and cell phones turned off for a minute (no easy feat), she previews the evening logistics of how everyone’s getting to ball practice or music lessons or youth group.  With any luck, everybody makes it out on time, with no bloodshed.

That’s the first hour.  After a full day at her “other job,” this mom heads back home where the real fun begins.  Depending on the day of the week, she’ll juggle any number of roles, taking turns as a chauffer, a tutor, a cheerleader, a cook, a counselor, a law enforcement officer, an air traffic controller… well, you get the idea.

To be fair, I know some dads who have pretty similar schedules.

This high-pace stress trickles down to, and sometimes floods, our children too.  Daily hassles often turn into power struggles over chores or homework or “screen time”.  And these power struggles may erupt into temper outbursts – either theirs or ours.

What’s a Busy Parent To Do?

After 20 years of counseling families – and dealing with the same challenges as a parent myself – I’ll tell you a dirty little secret I’ve learned.  TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF IS NOT OPTIONAL!

The first crucial step to coping successfully with family stress is to regularly take TIME OFF for your self, away from the rat race, to nurture your body, mind, or spirit.

Yes, BUT… you probably feel like “there’s never enough time” or “everyone else’s needs come first” or maybe even “I don’t deserve it.”

Well, let’s stop and think.  Do you really want less conflict with your kids, and more joy in your home?  Then just remember the old truism, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” 

Quick, what makes you happy?  Name 3 things right off the top of your head.  Anything you enjoy doing, receiving, experiencing, getting.  What lights you up?  Recharges your batteries?  Okay – now picture doing or receiving one of these things for a half-hour every day.  Rotate the menu and treat yourself to 30 minutes a day of undivided self-nurturance.

Not enough time?  Yes there is.  It’s your choice.  Remember, you can afford the 3 hours a week this would entail – and leave the other 165 hours in the week to attend to everyone else’s needs.  I promise, the world won’t come to an end!  In fact, a whole new, joyful, more energized world will start to grow – for you and your kids.

In order for you to be the parent you want to be, the one you’re fully capable of being, you need to nurture yourself first.  When you’re feeling re-energized, then you have more of your best self to give your kids.  You’re going to be more warm and affectionate.  You’re going to be able to provide firm, fair limits and follow through more effectively with any discipline.  And your kids are going to benefit tremendously.

So go for it!

What’s the single biggest predictor of success – at school, at work, at sports, at life?

It’s not ability.  It’s not heredity.  I’ll tell you what it is.

Persistence.  Effort.  Perseverance.

(Hey, why use just one word, when three will do?)

Put ‘em together, you’ve got PEP!

Yeah, putting PEP into your kid’s life is more challenging these days.  Many kids are increasingly sedentary, lethargic, apathetic, or “bored” – while simultaneously being
overstimulated with
     information,
          entertainment,
               and “choice overload.” 

More and more kids are unable to sustain their attention to anything lasting longer than
an MTV montage,
     a Sports Center highlight,
          a YouTube clip,
               or a text message.

Too many kids have
     an inflated sense of entitlement,
          fragile sense of self-worth,
               and a near zero level of frustration tolerance. 

When the going gets tough, they quit.  If they don’t quit, they complain, cry, whine, make excuses, withdraw, tantrum, sulk, or blame others. 

Too often they get down on themselves, berating themselves as “failures” because of
some preconceived notion that
     it should just be easy,
          they should get it right away,
              they should instantly be the best. 

And if they’re not, then the activity is pointless or somehow they’re completely useless.

I joke with too many teenagers nowadays, some of them with more than passing suicidal thoughts, about how they really must be “total losers” and should be branded with a big “L” on their foreheads.  I purposely exaggerate their circumstances until they can see the absurdity of it. 

No one is perfect.  No one is as glamorous as the celebrity hype machine suggests.  Everyone has problems.  That doesn’t make life unbearable.  It makes life, life!

No daylight, without the darkness. 
     No rainbow, without the storm. 
          No joy, without sorrow.

And everyone has blessings. 
     Everyone has gifts. 
          Everyone has talents.

It’s not what you’re given in life, it’s what you do with it that matters.

So I work diligently to help kids today find ways to fight through their struggles – whether it’s in math class or in the batter’s box or in the lunchroom with peers.

The biggest muscle that has atrophied in kids today, the one that needs the biggest strengthening program, is the mental muscle of determination.

When faced with a life challenge, every child, every parent, every teacher has a choice.

What will you do with yours?

Imagine your dream.
Set a goal.
Clarify your purpose.
Create a plan.
Connect with your passion.
Focus on priorities.
Act with integrity.
Persist. Practice.  Persevere.
Repeat.

Success will come to any of us the “old-fashion way” – when we earn it.

conscious (n.)  aware, sensible, deliberate.

consequence (n.)  result, outcome, effect.

Okay, last week you set up the situation with realistic, positive expectations, empathy, and encouragement.  Now, either your kids will respond respectfully and cooperatively, or they won’t.  Your job is to provide immediate feedback that teaches them to keep making better choices in the future.  Your leverage is in how you use consequences – either more or less effectively.

To help you do that more effectively, here’s the final 3 of our “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.”  Enjoy, and employ!

TIP #10: ENFORCEMENT – Enforce accountability with consistent limits and consequences.  To be most effective, use the 2 Critical Criteria for effective consequences.  Make sure that your consequences are (1) MEANINGFUL to your child – it really matters to them, and (2) DOABLE for you – you can and will follow through with them.

Remember, consequences always exist.  They always follow your child’s behavior whether you’re paying attention to them or not.  And they can be positive or negative.  So stop thinking just punishments.  In fact, the more you think about and talk about positive reinforcement (praise, privileges, rewards), the more cooperative and respectful your children will become.

Why?  Because we’d all rather work for a boss who is encouraging and notices what we do well and praises or rewards us for that good behavior, than a boss who never seems to notice when we do a good job, but only criticizes and corrects us, making us feel like we’re never good enough.  Hmmmm, put that way, if we filmed your parenting interactions with your child for the next week, which kind of boss do you think you’d sound more like?

You can be firm without being negative.  Be very clear, your child needs to earn privileges with respectful behaviors.  TV, computers, cell phones, social activities, bedtimes, etc. are not God-given rights!  They are privileges to be earned.  And if your child doesn’t show good effort, use respectful language, make positive behavior choices, they won’t earn those privileges they desire.  You can be very firm and clear about that.

Just don’t state it in the negative; state it more often in the positive.  Go back and read tips 9 and 10 over and over until you really get it.  And more importantly, until you’re really doing it – as consistently as possible.

TIP #11: EVALUATION – Evaluate your child’s progress with honesty and integrity.  Immediately after your child receives their consequence for their behavior – provide a little extra feedback that helps them actually learn from this experience.  Before the child can return to their daily life – before getting out of time out or resuming a certain privilege – make sure you conduct what I lovingly refer to as “the Exit Interview.”

The consequence isn’t over until your child can calmly discuss with you what happened and why.  Simply start the Exit Interview with the following question “What did you do that got you this consequence?”  Notice the powerful elegance of this question.  The focus is matter-of-factly (not accusatorially) on what behavior choice the child made in that situation – not all the external factors like how unfair and mean everyone else is.  When your child learns to recognize and accept responsibility for his or her actions, then you are well on your way to more respectful behaviors.

Once you and your child are clear on what they did that got them to this point, then ask “How did that work for you or against you?  How do you feel about it now?  Think you’d do the same thing again if you were in this situation again?  Why or why not?”

You are helping your child to learn about cause and effect, to see that their actions have meaningful consequences in life.  You are not lecturing or scolding.  You are BRIEFLY evaluating “What happened here?” for the purpose of understanding how to get along better next time around.

TIP #12: EDUCATION – Educate your kids about how they can improve.  Teach them how they can keep growing and making better choices in life.  Teach and practice with your child, role-playing or rehearsing if needed, how to cope better the next time they are in this situation.  Continue the Exit Interview with a brief, brainstorming discussion about “What could you do differently?” And get them to consider the likely consequences of several different choices (quickly weigh the pro’s and con’s). 

End the Exit Interview by securing a commitment from your child about “What will you do next time?”  Be clear about connecting the dots here – we’re talking about what will they do next time they are in a situation where you expect something (specific and realistic) and they feel differently (upset, struggling) and they need to make a smarter choice (more respectful behavior) that will lead to a more positive outcome (consequence) for them, rather than a negative one.

Finally, encourage your kiddo to “Try it and See…!”  It’s a great experiment.  We want to see if this new coping plan works better or not.  And if not, that’s okay, we’ll be right here ready to help them keep making adjustments until we find what works for them.

It all fits together – pretty cool, eh?  Yes, it takes work to establish this new way of seeing and interacting with your child.  But when you do, when these conscious ways of thinking and acting become habits, you will find much more joy in watching your children develop with their greater self-discipline, self-respect, and respect for others.

conscious (n.)  aware, sensible, deliberate.

communication (n.)  message; sharing or conveying information to another.

Last week we focused on becoming more mindful – more aware of your attitude and mindset towards teaching your kids respect.  Now let’s put those loving intentions to work.

If you want different OUTPUT from your child – you want him or her to behave more respectfully – then you’ll need to provide some different INPUT.  Let’s face it, you’ll get out of this what you put into it.  Doesn’t matter what your child’s age or difficulties might be, if you regularly practice these essential ways of being with your child, you’ll almost always see more respectful results within a couple of weeks.

So, without further ado, here are the next 3 of the “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.”  As always, remember to practice what you preach, since your actions speak louder than your words.

Tip #7: EXPECTATIONS – Expect success that is clearly defined, realistic, and optimistic. 
Don’t be vague, negative, or unrealistic.  Stop and think – what am I really expecting of my child in this situation?  Is it something I think my child really could do with his or her temperament and at this stage of development?  Is this an expectation that fits my child’s capabilities?  Am I clear on what I want (or just vague about what I don’t want)?  Am I clearly communicating what I expect to my child?  Does my child get it?  How do I know?  (Hint: Ask them.)  Don’t just expect that your child knows what you expect!

Slow down, think and talk with your child about your expectations ahead of time.  In a calm, teachable moment, discuss both your thoughts on the topic and your child’s.  Have regular little “heart to heart” chats about your values, vision, and goals for your child and family.  Let them know how you expect them to behave and why.  Clarify that these rules are there because you care and you want to teach them how to get along better with others and be happier in life.  You’re really not doing it just to make them miserable. 

Tip #8:  EMPATHY – Empathize with your child by showing a compassionate understanding of your child’s feelings and needs.  Don’t ignore or dismiss your child’s feelings in a situation and go right for behavioral control without considering what the underlying feelings are that go with the behavior.  If you ignore this step, and it’s the one parents most often forget about, you do so at your own peril.  You will find yourself in frequent “tug of war” power struggles much more.  Instead, start by joining WITH your child empathically, rather than working AGAINST your child in battles for control.

For example, don’t say “Stop being such a grump!”  Do say “I understand you feel… angry right now.”  Don’t say “I told you to turn that computer off!”  Do say “I see you really want… to keep playing that computer game.”

Simply start your commands with one sentence that shows you care about and are at least trying to understand what they’re feeling or struggling with in that moment.  Then proceed to direct them to appropriate behaviors for how to handle their feelings in socially-appropriate, parent-approved ways. 

I call this life-saving strategy “REFLECT AND REDIRECT.”  Reflect the child’s feelings or needs back to them with a statement of compassionate understanding – validate their feelings – then redirect them to what they can and should do about it.

Don’t say “I understand you feel angry, BUT you still can’t hit your sister like that.”  Do say “I understand you feel angry, AND you still need to use your words, not fists.”  Don’t say “I see you really want to keep playing, BUT you have to stop and clean up.”  Do say “I see you really want to keep playing, AND we need to clean up now.”

TIP #9: ENCOURAGEMENT – Encourage your kids to make life-enhancing choices.  Remember that your child always has a choice, whether you like it or not!  You can’t make a child behave a certain way any more than you can make a horse drink water from a trough.  You can encourage and remind and provide incentives that make it more or less likely, but you can’t totally control your child.  And let’s remind ourselves – that’s not really the goal, I hope, anyway.  Rather, the goal is to teach your child self-control.

To do that better, don’t fall into the trap of screeching “IF YOU DON’T… THEN YOU WON’T…”  Instead, try the most powerful parenting tool I know: “WHEN YOU DO… THEN YOU MAY…”  It works wonders. 

Listen to the difference between negative nagging – “If you don’t pick up your toys, you can’t go out and play” – and positive prompting – “When you pick up your toys, you may go out and play.”  Which do you think creates a more respectful and pleasant environment for your child?  Which do you think is more likely to get quicker compliance and fewer arguments? 

See, with positive prompts we are encouraging the child to focus on the solutions with us, rather than discouraging the child by focusing on the problems and punishments.  Same firm limits, just applied more strategically. 

Try these tips this week and let me know how it goes!

“Teaching Kids Respect – Part 1: Mindfulness”

By Dr. Peter Montminy

mindfulness (n.) the trait of staying aware of, or paying close attention to, your responsibilities; a mental state of calm, enhanced awareness.

respect (v.) to honor or revere; to have a good opinion of someone, and to avoid doing anything they would dislike or regard as wrong.

Many parents and teachers today complain about kids showing so little respect – to adults, to siblings and peers, and even to themselves.  Why is this?

As usual, lots of reasons, but let’s look at a few major factors.  Kids are exposed to grown up activities, language, and attitudes at younger ages, and feel entitled to “get their due” as mini-adults.  There’s been a generation of parenting more concerned with inflating a child’s self-esteem than with instilling self-discipline.  And the ever-present electronic media spreads all sorts of toxic messages like wildfire across the social landscape of kids.  They are increasingly immersed in a commercial and entertainment driven culture where conflict and crassness sells more than civility and caring.

So, what’s a conscious, caring parent to do?!  Two part answer: First, focus on the inside, your own mindset, and cultivate mental habits that will bring forth more respectful and loving parenting practices.  Second, focus on the outside, the actual interactions you have with your children.  Be conscious of your inner thoughts and your outward actions with your kids, and this will lead you all to a path of more respectful relationships.

Of course, the bottom line is you have to give respect to get respect.  So let’s explore some practical ways to do that.  I’ve developed the TOP 12 TIPS for TEACHING KIDS RESPECT based on over 20 years of clinical practice with many distressed families.  Let’s look at the first 6 tips, focusing on mental mindset, today (and the remaining 6 tips, focusing on conscious actions, next week).

Tip #1:  AWARENESS – Be aware of individual differences.  Recognize that all kids – and parents! – have unique personality styles, strengths, and needs.  Be keenly aware of your child’s temperament (high activity or low, slow or quick to warm up to others, flexible or rigid, intuitive or methodical, impulsive or inhibited, highly sensitive or not, high or low frustration tolerance, auditory or visual learner, etc.) – and yours.  Think “How are we the same?  How are we different?” and “So what?”

Appreciate diversity, and don’t expect your kids to deal with life the same way you do, or even the same as their brothers or sisters.  When you keep this in mind, you can more easily find the energy to adapt your parenting style to meet your child’s needs in the most constructive way.  That is, you’ll be better able to get through to your child and help them develop the respectful behaviors you want them to.

Tip #2:  ATTRIBUTIONS – Understand what the major factors are that contribute to your child’s functioning.  Remember there is rarely a single cause of your child’s behavior.  There is no “silver bullet” or “magic solution” that will cure disrespect.  But if you’re paying attention to what the major causes are, and how they interact, you can better guide your child’s emotional and moral development.

The major factors to consider include 1) personal characteristics (biological temperament and psychological “thoughts and feelings” filters), 2) interpersonal interactions (the expectations and consequences you apply to your kids, and how you communicate them), and 3) the environmental circumstances (the stressors and supports that surround the family). 

When considering why your child is behaving that way, keep in mind these factors, and have them lead you to more practical solutions for improving your child’s behaviors.

Tip #3:  ACCEPTANCE – Accept the current reality, and stay focused on what you can control or change.  Recognize that in any situation, there are things you can control and things you can’t.  Accept your limitations, rather than worrying about those things you can’t really do much about, and this will free up your energy to focus on more constructive solutions.

Remember, what you focus on, grows!  Focus your energy, thoughts, conversations, and efforts on what you can control.  Think “Here’s something I can do about it now.”

Tip #4: ATTITUDE – Live each day with a positive, loving attitude and lots of positive energy.  If you don’t fill up your spiritual, mental, and physical gas tanks, you’re running on empty and unable to give your kids the good, positive parenting that will yield the results you want.  Remember, you reap what you sow. 

So, commit to at least 30-minutes a day for self-care and rejuvenation.  That’s only 3 hours out of 168 hours in a week.  The rest of the world will keep functioning, and everyone else’s needs can get met, in the other 165, honest!  Make a conscious choice about caring for yourself first, so you can have more of the positive energy you and your kids deserve.

Tip #5: ATTENTION – Pay attention to building your child’s self-discipline and self-respect, not just self-esteem.  As Jill Rigby points out in her book “Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World” this is an important distinction.  When we worry too much about building up our child’s self-esteem, we often inadvertently give a child a false sense of their own importance and entitlement.

If you focus on developing self-respect instead of self-esteem in your child, you’ll find that you’re dealing with more gratitude than greed, more humility than arrogance, more confidence than insecurity, more perseverance than futility, more contentment than discontentment, more others-centeredness than self-centeredness, and someone who is more well-mannered than ill-mannered

Tip #6: ACCOUNTABILITY – Be empathic to your children’s feelings AND still hold them firmly accountable for their behaviors.  I call this the “Goldilocks Parenting Rule.”  Not too hot, not too cool – not too hard, not too soft.  Always guide your child using a balance of compassionate understanding along with firm and fair expectations and consequences.

Next week, we’ll take a closer look at how to put those firm, fair expectations and consequences into action. 

Meanwhile, remember to remember these six mental mindset tips. 

Be mindful of your:
- Assumptions – Do I recognize and respect individual differences?
- Attributions – Do I know where my kid is coming from?
- Acceptance – Am I accepting reality and only focusing on what I can do?
- Attitude – Am I staying recharged with positive energy and optimism?
- Attention – Am I more focused on developing self-discipline or self-esteem?
- Accountability – Do I balance loving nurturance with firm limits?