“Being 14 is a funny place to be,” I say to the teens I work with. “When you were 4, your parents made almost all your decisions for you – what to wear, when to eat, who and what you could play with. When you’re 24, you’ll be making almost all your decisions – where to live, what to eat and drink, how late to stay out, who to hang with. But when you’re 14, you’re neither 4 nor 24, you’re stuck in some crazy land in between. And so are your parents.”
Adolescence, as we all know, is a time of turmoil due to the rapid physical, psychological, and social changes taking place. The emotion and motor control centers of the brain are working in overdrive, while the executive control center (the frontal lobes in charge of planning, organizing, self-monitoring, and rational decision-making) are still 10 years away from fully maturing. Hormones are lighting up and turning our kids on in all sorts or angry, erotic, anxious, and exciting ways. Teens are striving for autonomy. They are developing their own identity outside of the family unit, constantly comparing themselves to one another, and seeking to “fit in” at almost any cost. Social status is the currency for self-esteem. Teens want independence, yet need supervision. They want you to notice them, yet leave them alone – often at the same time!
It’s no wonder the parent-adolescent relationship is often fraught with conflict. And that conflict often boils down to one essential challenge: how to balance the rights and responsibilities of both the parent and the child. Who’s in charge of what aspects of the child’s life? Who’s making what decisions? And how?
Parents (and teachers) are often walking a tightrope between being too lenient and laissez-faire – letting the teen have too much freedom – and being overly strict or controlling – not giving the teen a chance to test the waters and develop their own abilities.
So how best to balance this tricky equation? Here’s a few guidelines for you to consider, and then to calmly discuss with your tween or teen. – The sooner and more often, the better.
I strongly encourage you to have repeated dialogues about these issues with your kids. Not monologues. Share your values, concerns, expectations, and rationales. And then ask for their input, opinions, feelings, and concerns. Be truly interested in what they think about these topics, and help them explore what is reasonable and fair. You’d be surprised how well even the most troubled teen can do with this when they’re not feeling threatened or coerced into agreeing with rules that they feel are being arbitrarily shoved down their throats.
- Parents are responsible for their teens – legally, financially, medically, and morally – until the child is 18 years old. That’s a fact. Your child needs to recognize that means the parent not only has the right to know what’s going on in their lives, but has the responsibility to know of and approve of the teen’s activities.
In order to meet their responsibilities, the parent has the right to know and approve of WHO the child is with, WHERE the child is, WHAT the kids are doing, and WHEN the activity begins and ends. The parent also has the right to inspect the teen’s property – both offline (bedroom, closet, backpack, locker) and online (email, forums, facebook, twitter, voicemail, text messages, etc.).
Why?! Go back to the first sentence following number one above. Repeat as needed.
- The teen has limited rights to privacy. (NOTE: Teen Life Lesson #649 – even adults don’t have unlimited rights to privacy.) As the child moves through the teen years from 13 to 18, they move further away from childhood and closer to adulthood. That means they move ever closer to greater independence, autonomy, self-determination, and with that, greater rights to privacy.
So how does your teen get more privacy rights? The old fashion way – he or she earns them. Just like TV, computers, cell phones, hanging out with friends, sleepovers, dating a boyfriend or girlfriend, clubs, sports, etc. are not God-given rights, they are privileges to be earned. So too, is privacy, a privilege to be earned.
- The way for your teen to earn more privacy and freedom is by building trust. And the best way to build trust is to be open and honest no matter what. To always tell the truth. And to make safer, smarter, choices. In short, to be more responsible and mature.
What are safe, smart choices? That’s determined in part by common sense and partly by your family values. It’s determined in part by developmental standards and social norms, and partly by the teen’s unique temperament and capabilities. Taking these factors into consideration, you can determine the “just right” set of expectations for your child.
If your values include no stealing, taking drugs, or having sex, then your child will need to make those choices to earn more freedom of choice and privacy. If you expect your child to control his temper and ask for things politely, then he’ll need to make those choices. If you want your teen to complete her homework, pitch in with chores around the house, be kind to her siblings, then she’ll need to make those choices. That is, if she wants to earn the right to go out more and do more things on her own.
- As parents, you will do best when you accept your limitations. You cannot control your child’s life (and expect to get great results). You can guide and instruct. You can share your values and expectations, your hopes and fears. You can model appropriate, healthy choices, and encourage your child to do the same. You can reinforce your teen for taking responsibility for his/her actions by following through consistently with meaningful consequences.
But you can’t do it for her. You can’t monitor her 24/7. You can’t fight her battles for her. She needs room to make her own choices, including her own mistakes. You have the right and responsibility to set her up for success as best you know how. She has the right and responsibility to step out into the world and explore it in her own way – and to live with the consequences.
- Remember, your greatest, most powerful parenting tool is “WHEN…THEN…”
WHEN your teen does more of what they need to (what you expect of them), THEN they may have more of what they want (privileges, freedoms).
You, as the parent – hopefully after thoughtful, honest discussions with your teen – have the right and responsibility to fill in the blanks to the above template. You set the bar for what RESPONSIBILITIES your teen needs to meet, and you help set the menu of RIGHTS that your child can earn, accordingly.
It’s a thankless, tiring job at times. But someday they really will come back and thank you. It just may not be until those frontal lobes of the brain come fully online around age 25. May you live to see the day!
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