I received two graduate degrees in child clinical psychology from Penn State University.  I worked there full-time for almost a decade, supervising all child and adolescent services provided to the community by the outpatient Psychological Clinic there.  As a part-time faculty member, I continue to teach graduate student therapists in that Clinic how to assess and treat kids who face all kinds of life challenges, including child sexual abuse.

For nearly 30 years I’ve been proud to be learning and teaching others how to provide psychological care for our society’s most vulnerable children at this great institution.  (And I’ve continued to apply that learning as the founding director of Midstep Centers for Child Development in State College for the past 15 years.)

My wife is a full-time staff member at Penn State in the College of Human Development.  Our three oldest children are all currently undergraduates at Penn State, two of them in the Schreyer Honors College, one of them starting his career as an NCAA Division-I student-athlete on the Penn State basketball team.

We are… Penn State.  And today we are broken-hearted.

Words are poor representations for the range and depth of feelings that have coursed through my veins this week.  But I’ll try…

We’ve heard sordid details of how one man’s dream has turned into a community’s nightmare.  We’ve heard how Jerry Sandusky, an assistant football coach at Penn State, used that fame to start a charitable organization dedicated to serving disadvantaged kids.  The Second Mile has been known locally and nationally as an exemplary organization that has helped hundreds of thousands of troubled kids overcome life adversities through various mentorship, leadership, and summer camp programs.

But now we’ve heard that Mr. Sandusky may have used that fame to lure young boys into secret, abusive relationships.  We’ve heard how some of the alleged abuse incidents were witnessed by or reported to Penn State football coaches and administrators.  We’ve heard endless arguments and speculation about who knew what when, and who did or didn’t do enough to stop these alleged crimes against children.

President Graham Spanier, Vice-President Gary Shultz, Athletic Director Tim Curley, and Head Coach Joe Paterno, all highly-regarded Penn State leaders for decades, are suddenly gone.  Years of virtuous deeds have been wiped out, at least for the time being, by some apparently incomprehensible lapses of perception, judgment and/or action.

We’ve seen and heard Penn State students protesting and rioting, crying and praying.  We’ve seen and heard Penn State alumni share their angst and pride and shame and devotion to making things right.  We’ve heard a wee bit from the outraged mothers of the boys who were allegedly abused – with certainly more to come from these victims who are now mostly grown men.  We’ve seen and heard so much this week, yet we know so little.

In due time, the rest of the facts will come out.  The errors will be accounted for, the crimes punished.  Restitution will be sought, and perhaps, with God’s Grace, some reconciliation will occur.  Yet nothing can undo what has been done, or what has been said or seen or heard.

We can’t go back, we can only go forward now.  We can’t return to innocence any more than those boys could.  And we can’t take back the untold harm to the victims who have been suffering in silence (or suffering while speaking and not being believed). But we can try to make amends, to make things better for kids yet to come.  We can and must begin the healing process.

To do that, we must go beyond hearing and seeing, beyond accusing and conjecturing.  We must learn from this.  It will be the most important lesson that Penn State or any University could ever teach us.  We ignore these lessons at our peril – and the peril of our children.

What lessons can we learn from this?  Here are 7 Life Lessons that come readily to mind:

1. Humility.  No one of us is bigger or better than the rest.  None of us is above the law.  Yet, each and every one of us is perfectly imperfect.  We are divinely inspired, yet mortally flawed.  We all make mistakes.  Let us be careful about making judgments about others.  Meanwhile, may we make decisions to protect and serve others, especially children, based on their best interests, not on our own ego or needs or aspirations.

2. Compassion.   We all have and deserve human dignity.  Before reacting rashly in any situation, let’s pause to ask “What Would Love Do?”  When you stop to mindfully reflect and respond, rather than mindlessly react, you will almost always make the best decision.  Listen to your gut.  Lead with your heart…

3. Discernment. …and follow with your head.  Humans have developed this amazing capacity (in the frontal lobes of the brain) for critical thinking and creative problem-solving.  Once you’re centered on what your heart or moral compass tells you is right, double check with rational thinking about how best to apply your principles to the current situation.

When in doubt, seek the consultation and wisdom of others.  But demand and expect honesty from yourself and your companions.  To make the best decisions, you must allow everyone to disagree respectfully, to consider alternative perspectives, to weigh the pro’s and con’s of different ideas, without self-centered or defensive thinking getting in the way.  Easier said than done, but it can be done with intention and practice.

4. Accountability. We all are accountable for our actions.  Our actions have consequences – sometimes seen, sometimes unforeseen.  We must do our best to hold our selves and others accountable, even and especially when it’s hard to do so.

Let me say something, having worked with hundreds of child abuse victims, perpetrators, and bystanders over the years.  There is nothing more difficult for humans to face, to think about clearly, to discuss openly, than this topic.  Yet there is nothing that could be more important to think about or to act on with a clear mind than this – protecting the well-being of innocent, defenseless children.

That is why it’s so important to really learn from this outrage that so many are feeling right now.  We must look this human failing square in the eye and recognize – humans have sexual and aggressive impulses that sometimes go awry – that become dysregulated or uncontrolled – and may cause harm to other human beings, especially vulnerable ones such as children.

If we don’t ALL admit and recognize this fundamental reality exists, if we don’t have honest, constructive discussions about it that lead to courageous yet compassionate acts against it, then we will ALL suffer the consequences from history repeating itself.

5. Forgiveness. When mistakes, even horrible mistakes, occur, one of the biggest steps in the healing process is forgiveness.  Whether at the center of Christian doctrine (“…forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us…”), clinical experience with trauma survivors, or the latest research in the field of positive psychology, forgiveness has been shown to be a powerful source of empowerment and happiness.  There is a time and place, of course.  Still, considering forgiveness for yourself, for others who have wronged you, for others who have wronged others, will help set you free.

6. Acceptance. It’s important to recognize that in any situation there are always things that you can control and can’t control.  You will be happier and more productive if you focus more of your energy on the things you can control, rather than what you can’t.  The serenity prayer teaches us: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  Accept and let go of the things you can’t change.  Accept and focus on the things you can do to make a difference.

Accept your responsibility to educate your children about respecting themselves and others, in body, mind, and spirit.  Accept your responsibility to teach your children how to understand right from wrong, kind words and touches and actions from unkind or unacceptable ones.  Accept your responsibility to teach your children how to trust others, but also trust their own gut feelings, and if something seems wrong, to always tell another trusted adult to get the help they need to be safe and secure and happy.

Accept the responsibility to tell other adults you see harming children to stop it, now.  And accept the responsibility to take additional actions to protect that child, including notifying the appropriate authorities immediately.  The appropriate authorities are child protective services (in Pennsylvania known as the office of Children and Youth Services or “CYS”, under the Department of Public Welfare) and the police.

Notifying these authorities does not mean someone is guilty of abusing a child. It simply allows an investigation to occur to see IF a child is being harmed or not and if that child needs any type of additional protective support or services, first and foremost.

Again, we must be realistic.  Following through on your responsibility to report any suspicions of possible child abuse (for some professionals it’s a legal responsibility, for all of us it’s a moral responsibility), is easier said than done.  People fear what the authorities will do to that kid, that adult, that family.  Will reputations be ruined, will someone be unfairly judged or condemned, will kids be taken away from loved ones?

There are reasons why well-intentioned, good honest people fail to report suspicions of child abuse.  It’s scary, and people aren’t sure what will happen.  Plus, because the topic is so horrible to us, we often don’t believe our eyes or ears.  We think it can’t be so, and we start to think it isn’t so.  Not purposely or maliciously, but because it’s just so hard to believe.

We need to learn to accept that child abuse – physical or sexual – is real.  It can and does happen.  When we think it might be happening, we need to get this to the attention of the professionals who can make the best determination about what to do.  Accept, too, your limitations in being able to prevent harm to any child, but don’t let that paralyze you from doing what you can.  Accept that you and others may make mistakes.  Child protection workers, police detectives, child psychologists, and judges all have limitations too.  We are all people trying to do our best, yet never perfect.

7. Resilience. Remember that the human spirit is resilient.  We are capable of adapting to adversity and overcoming obstacles.  We can learn from painful experiences, even find the gift or blessing in them, and grow to become better persons.  I see it every day in my work with children, adolescents, and families who are struggling with every conceivable life stressor.  I never cease to be amazed by the miracle of the human will, and the ability of many traumatized children to find the good in themselves and others again, when we give them the loving support they need and deserve.

May we remind our selves of the strengths and resources each of us has – both within us and around us – so that we can keep on going.  There is hope, always.

Life lessons?  If we truly learn our lessons, here, we will act differently moving forward.  I pray we will all learn, heal, and grow from this terrible human tragedy.  I pray that we will act with courage on our convictions the next time around.  And the next.  And the next.

Beyond “We are… Penn State,” we are all human beings, each and every one precious and deserving of our ever-vigilant love, compassion, protection, and celebration.

Let’s do it.  Let’s learn our lessons well.  Now that would be something to be proud of.

The biggest complaint I get from parents and kids around this time of year revolves around homework.  The honeymoon phase of the new school year has worn off, and now we’re in the thick of things long enough that “keeping up” is starting to turn into “slipping up.”

To ease the burden for both of you, help your child master these 5 steps to complete the “Homework Loop” more peacefully and efficiently.

1. Know what to do.  Does your child really know what he has to do, and when it’s due?!  Even in elementary school, kids are using some type of Assignment Book or reminder cards.

When your child comes home everyday, DON’T ask “Do you have any homework today.”  Make it a clear rule and expectation that there is some type of schoolwork to do in the evening every day (even if it’s clean out notebooks, review material, get caught up, get ahead, or silently reading on a topic of interest).  With this everyday expectation, change your question to “What do you have to do today?”  Have your child show you his assignment book, with the expectation that SOMETHING needs to be written in there and worked on every day.  If not, you’ll find something extra for him to do!  Why?  Because your family values are that education is important, as is self-discipline, and you’re following through with practicing your principles.  Calmly and consistently.  Or not.

If your child is having trouble getting the right assignments down in his notebook, ask a teacher, aide, or study buddy to double check the assignment book at the end of the day – at least for a couple of weeks to help establish correct habits.  If your child doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, he can’t really do it, right?

2. Transport raw materials.  Your child has to also make sure he has the book, worksheet, or other necessary materials for the assignment.  He and/or his “checker” at the end of the school day need to make sure the right stuff is in the backpack before heading home.  As soon as he gets home, you need to make sure that he not only can show you what he needs to do, he can show you he has the materials to do it.  If not, right back to school you go, or he suffers the natural consequences, and/or he faces additional consequences from you as well.

3. Do the work.  Ahh, there’s always a catch.  Set a scheduled homework appointment time, just like any other extracurricular activity.  Really, schedule a set, finite time – as in – half-hour, from 7:00 – 7:30 tonight.  At the appointed time, summon your child to the table/desk/quiet study area, and commence homework activity.  (If he can get in the car on time to go to soccer practice, he can and will be expected to show up at the scheduled time for schoolwork practice.)

Begin the session by saying – “Show me what you’re going to get started on now.” And offer any support he’d like in getting started.  Be available to answer questions to assist, as he asks for it.  Don’t hover, smother, or disappear.  Be around, working on your own quiet work at this time would be ideal modeling and may help him focus.

A quiet study hour in your household, with all electronica turned off, is a very smart and healthy move for everyone’s productivity and  well-being.

4. Transport finished product.  At the end of the homework appointment, say “Show me what you did.”  See that he made an honest effort, but don’t correct his work – that’s the teachers job! – unless he asks you to proof it.  This gets responsibility for the work where it belongs – on your child – and minimizing unnecessary nagging arguments for you both.  Of course, if your child is struggling to meet acceptable standards, you may need to amend the contract here to include certain tutoring time for corrections and further help – by you if you can do it constructively – or by a hired tutor if you can’t.

Anyway, whoever is going to check the work, also makes sure that the work and any supplemental materials get in the proper folder(s) and into the backpack for the next day.  Of course, check that the filled backpack goes out the door with your child in the morning.

5. Turn it in! You can do all this meticulously, know the work was completed at home, and still find out that your child is getting zeros in the teacher’s grade book.  Nothing is more exasperating for parents.  So, how to know that he actually remembered to submit the work at the right time and place?  If this is a problem, ask the teacher to initial that assignment in the assignment book when it has been turned it – she acknowledges she got the work.  That way, you can check each day, not only on what your child has to do tonight, but what he actually turned in earlier that day.

Close the Homework Loop with these 5 steps, and you and your child will enjoy less homework hassles and more homework happiness (well, at least satisfaction).

Tired of reminding, arguing, cajoling, correcting, reminding, arguing…

If you have a school-age child, the odds are you’ve spent many nights repeating this cycle with your tween or teen. 

Sadly, it is nearly universal that kids today do not like doing homework.  And a good portion of that lies in how teachers view, assign, and use homework in their classes (a topic for another day).  Nonetheless, it is a fact of life – almost right up there with death and taxes – your kids will have to deal with homework whether they like it or not.

So, how do you win the daily homework battles, and the war, and re-establish peace in your home?  First, consider this: if you want different output for your kids, you’ve got to change your input.  Here’s how.

CHANGE THE VIEWING

Think of it as schoolwork, not homework.  And call it what it is.  It’s work that is expected to be completed for school.  It is a part of their teacher’s expectations – a continuation of the coursework that needs to be done each day in order to learn the material and receive a passing grade that in turn will open up doors of opportunity for your child’s future.  That’s the WHAT and the WHY of it.

Explain this reality to your children.  Adjust yours and your child’s expectations about how long the school day is.  Your child might say “6 hours” or “8 periods” long.  Wrong!  Enlighten your child to the new understanding – it’s “7 hours” or “9 periods” long –  because it (almost) always includes that extra hour or so of course work each evening.  Just the campus location has changed, but not the expectation that they will attend and participate in the entire school day – including mandatory “9th period” study hall!

Acknowledge that they may at times feel like the schoolwork is pointless, or at best sheer drudgery.  Simultaneously acknowledge that life is full of needing to do things that may not seem so important or fun (eg., taking out the trash), but we do them for the greater good anyway.  Period.  Be matter of fact about it.  It needs to be done.  It’s going to be done.  It’s just a matter of HOW.

Then go ahead and dare your child – and yourself – to make it fun and interesting anyway.  Relate it to some personal examples or experiences.  Be curious, ask questions, explore possibilities.  Generate hypotheses about the schoolwork material.  Imagine ways this information could possibly come in handy – if not to your child right now, then to whom? When? Where? Why?  It does have some meaning and relevance – find it.  Celebrate it.  If you really can’t, talk to the teacher about how to make the homework (ahem, schoolwork) more meaningful for your child.

CHANGE THE DOING

Now let’s move on to more practical matters of HOW to get the schoolwork done more efficiently – which means both quickly and accurately.

First, schedule daily “9th period” schoolwork sessions.  Call them classes or appointments, and schedule them like you do any other appointments into your weekly planner.  Every Sunday, sit down with your child for 15-20 minutes, clean out the backpack, notebooks, and homework folder from the previous week.  Now plan the upcoming week – look at what’s on the family calendar, and schedule the “study hall” classes just like you do soccer practice or dance lessons. 

These are mandatory classes, just like during the first 8 periods of the day.  You’re child is not permitted to skip class, at school or at home.  You’re making it more objective, less ambiguous, and less likely to be avoided, forgotten, or argued about (successfully, anyway!).  It’s not a matter of if the child will do his homework, it’s a matter of when and how.

Always keep the appointment, whether your child says they have anything due the next day or not.  There is always something to do to improve – review notes or chapter material, clean out notebooks, prep for an upcoming test or project.  And if all else fails, there is quiet reading time – text, novel, magazine, whatever.  There’s always something to learn!  When you expect and reinforce a regular work ethic in your child, he or she will soon develop one.

Now, when it comes to scheduling the study sessions, let the kids have some say.  Empower them to make a decision and commitment to their study time.  Ask them what works best for them?  They can pick the half-hour or 45-minute or hour-long study session appointment time (depends on child’s age and attention span), within your limits (eg., not right before bedtime).

Then each day when they get home, kindly remind them of when their study period or appointment is that day.  Don’t discuss, debate, fret, nag about homework any other time.  When it’s not study time, there’s no focusing on or worrying about or arguing about home-work.  Enjoy home-play, home-fun, home-life, instead! 

At the appointed time (set watch or phone alarms if needed), call your child to his best study place (again, let him have some say here – where do you think you can focus and get your work done most quickly and accurately…?). Make sure your child comes to the table, literally or figuratively, just like you would if it were meal time or time to get in the car to go to any other appointment.

And here’s a super important tip.  NEVER ask your child “Do you have any homework?”  If you ask this simple yes-or-no question, you are almost begging your child to forget, lie, or blow off his homework.  I mean, really, what kid wouldn’t just shake his head no, if he knew that was an instant ticket to freedom for the rest of the evening?!  Instead, ask your child ‘What school work do you have tonight?”  Always assume that there is homework, and you’re just interested in what’s on the plate for tonight.

Even better, start each study session with “Show me what work you have to do tonight.” Spend a few minutes previewing the work, setting the child up for success, encouraging them to get started, and offering any help they may like.  Be available, working quietly on something nearby.  Let your child know you’re available to help them if they want it or need it.  Do not force and micromanage.  Do not abandon or leave unsupervised.  Keep one eye and ear on your child, and be there as a monitor and safety net. 

Set a timer for the period.  With the timer or yourself, provide a 10-minute warning, to help them focus on wrapping up and ending the session.  Your child learns how to complete a test at school within the allotted time allowed because he knows the teacher is going to collect the papers at the end of the period.  This forces kids to focus more intently on getting it all done in a specific period of time.  I encourage you to set the same expectations for your child with homework.  In this way, you can shape their behavior towards being more efficient and productive, rather than dragging out homework all night due to dawdling, daydreaming, bathroom breaks, snack breaks, pencil-sharpening breaks, etc.  And it decreases the wear and tear on both parents and kids.  It makes homework less aversive, because it doesn’t feel like it’s hanging over your heads all night long.

At the end of the period, come in and wrap up with your child with this prompt, “Tell/show me what you did.”  Review the child’s work briefly to see that they made an honest effort.  Encourage and praise your child for the work they did do.  Do not grade, criticize, or correct the work – that’s the teacher’s job!  Better to ask your child, would you like my help proof-reading or math-checking your work here?  Empower the child to take responsibility for getting it done better, if need be, and offer your assistance, but don’t compel the child to do it your way. 

Again, usually it’s the teacher’s job to provide corrective feedback on the work product.  If your child is having lots of problems with accuracy, you will need to talk this through more with your child and the teacher, and come up with a more refined plan, but generally don’t create more battles over nitpicking, unless the child wants that level of help.

After “9th period study hall” ends, celebrate the official end of the school day with a relaxing, fun activity or treats, and return to enjoying your home life together.

For more details on this approach, look for my upcoming coaching program on completing the 5-Step Homework Loop, with schoolwork checklists and templates for parents, teachers, and students.  Email me if you’re interested in copies of this program, or would like a live seminar for teachers and/or parents about successful homework routines for kids today.  For more information, email Support@KidstepCoaching.com.

The Executive Functions of the brain are responsible for coordinating almost all of our interactions with the outside world.  When you stop and think about it, it’s pretty amazing.  We take in sensory information through our eyes and ears, and if our frontal lobes are working optimally, we STOP AND THINK before we act.  In a split second we analyze the current situation and what it demands, drawing on memories of past experiences and considering possible future consequences.  Then our “Mission Control” center of the brain guides us in how to respond to the situation at hand.

We make sure we PAY ATTENTION to the right things for the right amount of time – sustaining our efforts even on dull, tedious tasks for as long as needed to complete our goals.  Yet we’re able to easily SHIFT GEARS and transition to something else if that’s required.  Our WORKING MEMORY helps us keep track of what we’re doing while we’re doing it, and we can SELF-MONITOR how we’re doing as we go along, making any needed course corrections to stay on track.  We ORGANIZE our time and space and materials so that our efforts are efficient and productive.  We INHIBIT any IMPULSES to just act on whim, and we CONTROL our EMOTIONS, so that these things don’t lead us into temptation or trouble.

In short, we’re able to use our internal control mechanisms (the EF part of the brain) to regulate our behaviors so we can attain the outcomes we desire – whether it’s good grades in school, good plays on the ball field, or good family and peer relationships.

Except for when we can’t.

Some kids (and adults, of course), have a type of organizational blindness, or as Dr. Russell Barkley is fond of saying, “temporal nearsightedness.”  These kids, with EF deficits, can only see or relate to those things near in time to them.  They are too often driven by their immediate needs, and have difficulty delaying gratification, seeing the big picture, or working in an organized way towards a long-term goal.  They aren’t as readily motivated by those far-off rewards that drive much of our daily behaviors (“study now to get good grades to get into a good college to get a good job to live happily ever after…”).  The one thing their daily lives are marked by is their consistent inconsistency!

Kids with EF deficits struggle with mental control panels that go offline at the darnedest times – like during the morning rush to get out of the house, or when it’s time to work on a big school project or when they need to follow through on multiple directions or keep up with their chores or keep their mouths shut when someone else is talking.

Executive Functioning involves an intricate set of control mechanisms that most of us take for granted to get through our busy days successfully.  Yet it is important for a whole host of struggling kids (with or without such labels as ADHD, ODD, OCD, Bipolar, Asperger’s, Tourette’s, etc.) that we don’t take these skills for granted.  We need to stop and accurately assess their EF profiles.

Only when we really know what a child’s specific strengths and weaknesses are, can we empower that child, along with his or her parents and teachers, to adapt and thrive.

It’s critical to gain a careful and compassionate understanding of how a child is able to function most successfully – at home, school, and life.  Under what circumstances is the child able to use which internal skills and external resources to succeed?  When and how does the child do his best work; when and how does he perform most poorly?

With a realistic appraisal of a child’s EF profile, we can target skills, supports, and interventions that will have a maximum impact on improving that child’s quality of life.  And providing relief for his family.  And for his teachers and classmates.  It’s a win-win-win situation!

Look for more information on what the “Top 10 Executive Functions” are and “How to Assess Your Child’s EF Profile” on my blog site in the coming week.

And look for my upcoming webinar series on “How to Improve Executive Functioning for Any Child.”

There can be many frustrations for students and teachers when a child has significant deficits in the brain’s ability to inhibit impulses (delay gratification) and sustain attention (stay focused and follow through on tasks).  For many kids with ADHD or other Executive Function Deficits, this is exactly the problem – being able to internally control one’s actions – consistently and independently.  They can do it sometimes, but not all the time.  And that can make parents, teachers, and kids crazy.  How to minimize the wear and tear of daily life with ADHD, and maximize the child’s chance for success?

The first few steps involve adjusting your mindset.  As the responsible adult, your attitude and orientation to the child will go a long way to helping them manage this condition.  Without a positive mindset, all the well-researched and clever behavior modification techniques in the world won’t amount to a hill of beans.

1.    Start with an Empathic Understanding. Realize that this is a very real, albeit invisible, neurological disability.  With a disability perspective, we can regain a sense of compassion and empathy for the child’s daily struggles.  Doing so, we can more easily forgive the child, and ourselves, for not always being perfect.  And this will free up energy that we’ll need to deal with the very real behavioral challenges that result from executive function deficits.

2.    Recognize Strengths and Weaknesses. Recognize that kids with ADHD are not solely defined by that condition, any more than a child with diabetes is solely a diabetic.  Each child also has a unique set of other personality characteristics – both strengths and weaknesses that need to be taken into account.  Does the child have a high IQ or generally smart problem-solving abilities.  If so, this can obviously be an asset that can be put to good use.  But it can also be a liability if we then expect the child to consistently show their bright mental abilities all the time – that’s not going to happen with ADHD.  Does the child also have significant anxiety that affects their functioning?  Is there some major family or environmental stress affecting performance?  Maybe the child is also oppositional and defiant or irritable and depressed?  Is the child socially precocious and pre-occupied (the “social butterfly”) or socially immature and odd (the “class clown”)?  Each of these will affect the exact nature of how we prepare a successful support program for a particular student.

3.    Stop saying “He’s capable, but…”. Rather than thinking and asking, “Is he capable?” it is much more useful to consider “How is he capable?”  Focus on when he is MORE capable and when he is LESS capable.  That is, carefully consider “Under what circumstances does this student show his best behaviors and under what circumstances does he show his worst behaviors?”  Then, let’s follow that starting point to grow the positive times (recognize, praise, celebrate, and replicate them!) and shrink the negative times (define, ignore, punish, and replace them!).

4.    Accept Our Own Limitations. In any given situation, there are always things you can control, and things you can’t control.  If we spend all our time thinking about, worrying about, and talking to colleagues, friends, or anyone who will listen about all the negative problems that are so frustrating because they’re beyond our control, we diminish our own power.  Same circumstance, but you focus on the parts you can control, then you feel more positive and empowered, and you are spending your energy far more productively.  Do what you can, earnestly and full-heartedly, and let go of the rest.

Remember, we can only set up the situation with more or less effective expectations, and follow through with more or less effective consequences.  We cannot totally control the student or MAKE him/her behave a certain way.  The child always has a choice.  When we remove our need to totally control the child or the situation, we release added pressure that is counterproductive.

Next week, we will address how to assess the situation accurately, so you can set up your ADHD behavior management plan for success.  The foundation of this house, however, begins with a positive and realistic mindset.  Let’s make sure our foundation is rock solid before proceeding.

I met with a team of middle school teachers recently who were livid.  They had a very bright student who was “marching to the beat of a different drummer” in a way that was highly frustrating and disruptive to their classes.  Even though they reported that he often appears “lost” in class and there “seems to be a huge disconnect” with him, they still felt like his lack of listening, following directions, and following through on assignments was often “just a bunch of attention getting behaviors.”  After many months of his intrusive questions, dawdling and fidgeting around when doing independent seatwork, and repeatedly having late or missing assignments, they were convinced that “he’s doing a lot of this on purpose.”“He’s really smart, we see what he’s capable of, but he acts so stupid or clueless at times to try to get out of doing it.”  “It’s mainly attention-getting behaviors.”  “He is choosing not to do his work.”  “He can do it, but he just won’t.”

The teachers were understandably concerned that he was going to have a very hard time making it in high school.  And they were just exhausted by trying to figure him out.  What would motivate him?  What could get him to comply and to stay on task? To perform up to the potential they saw in him?

Welcome to the world of kids with executive function deficits.

Say what?!

The command and control center of the brain, located primarily in the frontal lobes, is responsible for the “executive functions” of paying attention, organizing, planning, managing time, initiating and following through on tasks, working memory, self-monitoring, impulse control, and emotional regulation.  Whew!

Our neurosciences are exploding with new research findings that are helping us to understand the critical nature of this part of the brain.  And the executive functions are increasingly critical aspects of human functioning in a rapid-paced, multi-tasking, information-overloaded society.

Imagine being really smart at understanding or knowing a lot of information, but unable to consistently “show what you know.”  Imagine not being able to manage the input and output channels of your brain so you can process and produce information as efficiently as others expect.

Imagine having all this horsepower under the hood of your car, but the control panel on the dashboard often goes haywire, and you just can’t control your speed or direction without frequent daily little glitches.

How frustrating would it be to be that student?  And to be that student’s parent or teacher?   I can tell you from dealing with these frustrations every single day in my consulting practice – very!

These kids are often diagnosed with one of the Attention Deficit Disorders, Autistic Spectrum Disorders, or Anxiety Disorders (including Tourettes and OCD), but they all have the same basic challenge: how to regulate their impulses and emotions in a way that gets them successfully through the demands of a typical day at school and home.

As Russell Barkley says, for many of them, it’s not a matter of knowing what to do, but doing what you know.  The breakdown is at the point of performance – especially when independent functioning is expected.  Self-control – inhibiting impulses, delaying gratification, sustaining attention and effort (especially on dull, tedious tasks that hold no intrinsic interest for the student) – is the very nature of the deficit.

Much of the cause is genetic and biochemical – a neurologic developmental delay in self-regulation.  Yet it certainly can be exacerbated by the environment – either aggravated by stress or inadvertently reinforced by adults and peers who feed into it.

Regardless, having executive functioning deficits may be an explanation for poor school performance, but it is never an excuse.  These students, just like any other students, need to be held accountable for appropriate behavior AND supported in a way that gives them the best chance to do so.

It is this critical balance between empathy and accountability, encouragement and enforcement, that will help make or break these kids.

Not one of them wakes up in the morning and says, “I can’t wait to screw up today!”  They are sick and tired of messing up, being corrected multiple times a day, and feeling like a failure.  Especially when they know better and at times can actually do better.  But the deficit is in maintaining consistent controls, and that’s what makes parents and teachers and these kids so crazy.

That’s also what often leads to the secondary problem of oppositional and defiant behaviors (often adding Opposional-Defiant Disorder to the diagnosis).  All too often, it becomes a vicious, downward spiral (especially in middle school and high school where the demands for independent functioning and the expectations for greater self-control increase tremendously).

In the coming weeks, we’ll focus on practical solutions and specific strategies for managing kids with a variety executive dysfunctions.  Stay tuned to learn how to boost your child’s ability to: get organized, plan ahead, stay focused, use time wisely, follow through on tasks, resist impulses, and stay in control of emotions.

The Olympics are in full swing again.  It’s so fascinating to listen to the stories of the world’s top athletes, what it takes for them to fulfill their dreams, and then watch them go for it.  The thrill of victory… the agony of defeat… the human drama of athletic competition.  No guarantees, just like in life.

And just like most anything else in life, sports can serve as a vehicle for raising healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids, or serve to crush their spirit and sense of well-being.  It’s all in how we approach it – in both our words and deeds – that can make all the difference.

Here’s my list of the top 5 life lessons that youth sports can teach our kids – when we “keep it real” and don’t get too carried away with grandiose visions of pro careers.

1.  The play is the thing. The only reason to play the game is if your kid loves it and it’s fun.  There is no sense in doing it for any other reason.  For some kids, this will be recreational or intramural play, for some it may involve all-star travel teams.  It’s all good – as long as it’s being done because the child enjoys it and wants to do it.

Follow your child’s lead.  Provide as much support to following your child’s passions as you comfortably can.  Two keys here – you’re following your child’s dreams, not pushing him into yours.  And you’re balancing the family commitments of time, money, and energy in a way that feels best for everyone.

Here is a question that can help you make a more conscious choice for your family.  On the whole, is your child’s participation in this sport more energy-gaining or energy-draining? Your gut instinct will tell you whether to keep going with more active participation that is FUN or cut back to allow more breathing room for the rest of life.

2.  Persistence and perseverance, not talent, will prevail. While your child’s involvement still needs to be fun, that doesn’t mean sports – or life – is always a simple walk in the park.  To get to the good stuff, we have to work at it: practice, persist, and persevere through mistakes and injuries and embarrassments and slumps.  These are all part of the game.  It’s the person who develops the self-discipline to keep going, even when the going gets tough, that gets to enjoy the sweet taste of success – at whatever level that may be.

3.  Focus on what you can control, and do the best you can at that. You can’t control the outcome, only the input.  You’re responsible for your actions, and that’s all.  Focus on the little things that count, doing things the right way – within the rules, fundamentally sound, over and over – that’s what will bring you successful results.  If you spend your time worrying about the weather conditions or what your opponent is doing or how the officials are handling calls, you are distracting yourself from the only thing that really matters – how you choose to respond to any of it.

Don’t keep comparing yourself to the other guy (whether its teammates or opponents). Focus only on your vision of how you play your game – with your own strengths and abilities and determination – then do it.  Play your part the best that you can. The rest will take care of itself.

4.  We’re all different, we’re all the same. Every person has strengths and weaknesses.  Every person has value.  You won’t accomplish anything meaningful in life without recognizing your interdependence with others – whether on your team or in your community.  Whatever gifts and limitations you have, it’s important to realistically recognize them, and play the hand you’ve been dealt as best you can.  It’s equally important to appreciate the strengths your teammates have to offer, and to accept their limitations as well.

Leverage this diversity of talents.  Find ways to work together, complementing one another, to create a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts.  “Team chemistry” starts with respect for each and every individual on the team, being combined with a loving commitment to one another to work towards a common goal.  Harnessing the power of mutual respect and commitment is a recipe for fulfillment that works in families, schools, teams, or organizations of any kind.  It is truly a life skill worth developing at an early age.

5.  It isn’t always fair – and that’s okay! Don’t expect your coach, your teammates, the referee, or yourself to be perfect.  Sometimes the best player doesn’t get to start.  Sometimes the referee blows the call.  Sometimes the clock runs out, or someone slips, or you take your eyes off the ball for just a second.  Sometimes it just sucks.

And it’s still a beautiful game – whether we’re talking a sport here, or life itself.  It’s all good, because there’s always a lesson for us to learn.  It’s how we respond to adversity that shows our true character.  After a loss, a penalty, a setback of any kind, are we still supportive of our teammates, good sports to our rivals, respectful to authority figures responsible for enforcing the rules fairly, appreciative of our coach’s intentions to get the best out of us, and forgiving to ourselves when we make a mistake?  Learn from it, and let it go.  Get ready for the next play, and keep on going.

Keep these tips in mind and you may not get your kid to the Olympics, but you’ll be well on your way to helping him or her come out a winner in the game of life.

The Solutions

So, given these major contributions to youth violence, what can we do?  The answers are simple enough to state.  The key is whether we have the political will as a society, and the personal resolve as our children’s caregivers, to practice what we preach.  I sincerely pray we do.

1. Listen, empathize, and connect with your kids. Be open and available to hear your child’s feelings and frustrations.  Let children know that their angry or anxious feelings are okay to have, no matter how intense or unusual they may seem to you.  Show your kids – with calm, casual, and frequent conversations – that you’re there for them.  And you’re willing to try to understand their thoughts and feelings.

2. Teach safe, smart coping skills. Then remind the children that there are better and worse ways to express those feelings.  It’s what you do with it that counts.  There are lots of smart choices (talk it out, write it out, exercise it out, play it out) that are safe, and there are lots of poor choices (aggressive, acting out).  Keep reminding children that they have choices, and there are always consequences that go along with their choices.  Encourage them to make the right ones.

3. Be a positive role model. We must practice the right choices ourselves if our words are to have any influence on kids.  We must strive to constructively express our angers and fears in the home, workplace, and community.  We must think consciously about what entertainment we consider worth watching.  If we don’t practice what we preach, how can we expect our children to?!

4. Enforce your limits. As parents and teachers, we must keep rewarding pro-social behaviors and punishing antisocial behaviors.  Constantly.  Firm limits need to be clearly stated and consistently enforced.  Aggressive behaviors should not work for the child, but against him.  Earning – or withdrawing – privileges that the child enjoys in his daily life is often most effective.  Just remember, effective consequences must be meaningful for the child, and doable for the adult. You can fill in the blanks from there.

5. Limit access to violent media. For most kids, like most adults, some exposure to violent entertainment isn’t going to lead to the person acting violently.  The key here is in the frequency and intensity of the violence, along with the child’s ability to distinguish fantasy from reality.  Simply put, what percent of your child’s social diet is filled with electronic media (TV, videos, games, internet), and what percent of that is filled with violence?  If more than half their free time is consumed with violent fantasy and gaming, then clearly there’s greater risk of a child acting out in similar ways.  Just don’t allow it.  Redirect your child to other forms of entertainment and socializing.  Why wouldn’t you?

6. Prevent access to weapons. Finally, any guns and ammunition anywhere near kids should be kept under separate lock and key, with only responsible adults having access to these weapons.  Children and adolescents’ access should be under strict adult supervision only.

While we can’t completely guarantee anyone’s safety, we can go a long way towards reducing the risk of youth violence by seeing that these 6 simple steps are taken each and every day.  Certainly our kids’ lives – and our own – are worth it.

News headlines about youth violence sporadically rear their ugly head, as they did again this week about a 12-year-old boy who faces adult murder charges for allegedly shooting and killing his pregnant step-mother-to-be following some disagreements.

We can’t know all the specifics of this particular tragedy.  But we can use it as an opportunity to shake ourselves awake again.  We must not just ask “Why?” and forget about it, but rather focus with steadfast commitment on what we all can do to prevent such senseless acts of violence.

The Problem

Juvenile violence erupts not from a single cause, but from many causes.  Simplistic blaming of one factor or another is pointless.  Instead, research has repeatedly shown that several major factors often combine to lead to youth violence.

1. Strong feelings and poor coping skills. Children act out violently when they feel intense anger, anxiety, or hopelessness, and when they have little other coping resources available.  Violent acts occur when a child has poor impulse control, poor judgment, or poor abilities to think through alternative ways of expressing their upset feelings.  Often these acts are desperate attempts to gain control in an environment the child sees as hostile and beyond his or her control.

2. History of aggression. A violent youth has often gotten away with or been rewarded for low-level aggressive behaviors.  That is, the child has gotten some desired results – be it possessions, attention, peer status, or self-esteem – from threatening or acting out in an aggressive way.

3. Aggressive role models. If the child hasn’t been directly reinforced for these behaviors, they may have witnessed others succeeding with violence.  They may have directly experienced violence in the home or community.  Or they may have been exposed to high doses of violence in the media.

4. Media overload and desensitization. The odds of youth violence increase when a child’s social life is overflowing with a media diet centered on violent video games, movies, and internet sites.  Over time, the child becomes numb to the real pain and suffering associated with actual human violence.  They become desensitized to it, and real shootings can become surrealistic extensions of video game adventures.

5. Access to weapons. Finally, violent injuries and deaths increase remarkably when children have easy access to lethal weapons.  The easier the access to guns and knives, the easier it is for senseless, stupid mistakes or misdeeds to occur.  This isn’t a moral or political argument; this is a simple, common sense fact.

Happy Ground Hog Day!  Are you kidding me?  No, here is central Pennsylvania – that’s still a big deal.

One of my Penn State graduate students actually had her parents come visit from out of state to be at Gobbler’s Knob at dawn this morning to see Punxsutawney Phil’s prognostication – a longer cold winter, or a sooner spring thaw?

(Sorry, word has it, he saw his shadow again – six more weeks of winter.)

So what?  Well, one of my all-time favorite movies is Ground Hog Day.  My wife and kids and I curl up with blankets and pop corn around this time every year to watch it – which we did again on Saturday night.  Why do I love it so much, and why the heck am I writing about it now.

Well, I did another one of my favorite parenting programs last night, “Finding the Time to Enjoy Your Life and Your Kids Again!”  We spent the evening taking inventory of what’s most important in your life, and how you can find the time for it.  And it got me to thinking…

Bill Murray found one way to enlightenment in this farcical, yet philosophical, romantic flick. He was forced to live the same day over and over again until he learned his lesson – found his truth – and starting living it in earnest.

What would you do if you had only one day to live over and over again?

Maybe you’d act out at first with wild fantasies, naughty or crazy or whatever – just as Bill does.  Then you might get bored, or depressed, or desperate for a spell.  Eventually, if you’re lucky, you’ll come to realize that life doesn’t have much meaning if we’re in it just for our own gains and needs.

It means a whole lot more when it’s shared with others – when we can give, lovingly of ourselves to others, and rejoice in regular (not necessarily random!) acts of kindness – just for the joy of it.

Now, a subtle part of the movie is that Bill has to go through a cleansing period, a period of self-care and self-development, before he has strengthened skills that he can then put to good use serving others.

This is just like my prescription for less stress and more life satisfaction in the T3 Family Wellness Program.  Before you can effectively call TIME OUT to resolve conflicts with your kids (or anyone), you need to share enough positive, fun TIME IN with them to build loving relationships.  And you can’t do that, if you don’t take enough TIME OFF to re-energize yourself, first.

To produce good output – parenting or otherwise – we first need to have good, quality input to fill our souls and our minds with the beauty we want to see in our kids and in our world.

So during this mid-winter pause – for some a time of silly celebration – let us also use it for a time of brief reflection:  What would I do if I only had one day to live?  And why am I not living my life that way now?  What am I waiting for?!

No time like the present.  Take a deep breathe.  Think about what matters most to you today.  And live it. Go love someone.  Just for fun.  Ground Hog Day is as good an excuse as anything!