“Take the first step in faith.
You don’t 
have to see the whole staircase. 

Just take the first step.”

- Martin Luther King Jr.

This is the quote that greeted me this morning when I logged on to my iGoogle home page.  I’ve seen it many times before, and always find it inspirational and reassuring.  Thought I’d share it with you today, as we celebrate the start of the Easter holiday weekend.  It’s a time for renewal, new life Springing up all around us, and renewed faith.

It’s a lesson I keep learning over and over.  I don’t have to have it all figured out.  It’s silly, in fact, to even try.  Instead, I can choose to believe that there is a higher purpose to my life, and that no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should.  I can, and do believe that we are all meant to keep stepping, one step at a time, in the direction of our true heart’s desire.  Not some false desire, driven by ego or doubt or need.  But stepping out, in faith, towards the truths that your highest self knows to be right.

For me, the steps I can see behind me and in front of me (from my view at mid-step), include these truths:
 
We are all children of God.
 
Every child has strengths to be celebrated, struggles to overcome, and positive potential to fulfill.

Every parent and teacher and counselor has valuable gifts to share and guidance to offer.

The first of these gifts is mindful awareness – being fully present and paying attention.  Really seeing and hearing our children for who they are, and who they are capable of being.  When we are awake to these realities, we can help our children live up to their potential, not in some vague future-oriented goal kind of way, but simply and practically each and every day.
 
The second is compassionate understanding and acceptance.  We won’t always approve or our children’s choices or behaviors, but we can always accept them for who they are – with all their divine talents and limitations.  We can graciously accept our strengths and limitations as well.  In doing so, we plant the seeds for forgiveness when we – and they – inevitably fall short of perfection.  And with acceptance, comes the grace to continue in the face of adversity.

The third is aligned action.  Are we acting and speaking with integrity, honesty, and respect to our children?  Are we walking the walk, not just talking the talk?  What do they see when we interact with our spouse, our relatives, our neighbors, our colleagues? When we step out into each new day, whatever it may hold, and act in good faith, aligned with our values, then we – and our children – grow stronger everyday.  The rest of the story will take care of itself.

We don’t need to see the whole staircase.  We just need to keep taking one step at a time, with a loving heart, conscious, thoughtful mind, and hopeful spirit.

Beyond that, who knows where the climb will take us.  But I do know that when we take each next step in faith, we’ll get where we need to go, and hopefully enjoy the journey along way.

Why do you think I started a group dedicated to the emotional well-being of children and adolescents named MIDSTEP Centers for Child Development?  And started the KIDSTEP Coaching Programs to help school-age kids (and their parents and teachers) step into a life-time of success?

Because I believe!  It’s worth continuing to help each other take that next step.  – Even when we can’t see the whole staircase.

A recent article in the magazine “Real Simple” (January 2011) summarized some of the recent research on how you can be happier throughout the year.  Happiness is a big topic these days, one we care a lot about as a counterpoint to all the stress and worries of modern living.  So, what does make you – and your children – happy?

The folks at “Real Simple” conducted a survey, and displayed the results in a word cloud with the most frequent answers showing up in larger print.  Guess which single word dominates the middle of the graphic display in giant letters?

Family.

Odds are, your answer had something to do with this too, yes?

For the record, the next tier of most important things that make their readers happy included love, peace, and laughter, home, children and grandchildren, along with beach, sunshine, and chocolate!

Other research studies in the exploding field of positive psychology have likewise found that one of the most important determinants of personal happiness is the quality of our relationships.  It’s not about money, or work (though job satisfaction is important too), or having “stuff.”  It’s about family and friends.

Of course we care about our family and friends, and yet we often neglect to share the gift of loving, laughing time (along with sunshine and chocolate, apparently!) with them.  We race through the day with “too many other things to do” and complain that there’s “not enough time” to just hang out and have fun.

Well, guess what, having fun and being happy actually produces lots of other gains that are worth your consideration – including stronger immune systems, more satisfied marriages, greater work productivity, and more charitable contributions to society.  So, if you think having some fun time is selfish or silly, think again. 

Happiness is the cornerstone of well-being that produces a positive ripple effect that can only benefit your children, your community, and yes, humanity.  (Why do you think our founding American fathers considered the pursuit of happiness as one of the fundamental human rights?)

About 50% of one’s happiness, like many other temperamental characteristics, appears to be genetically determined or hard-wired.  Another 10% is due to environmental circumstances.  That leaves 40% up to you to shape.  How you think and behave – the choices you make – will go a long way to adding to (or subtracting from) you happiness.

And since we know that FAMILY is one of the most powerful factors in happiness, it makes sense to focus on what you can do today and tomorrow and the next day to improve those family relationships.  When you enjoy your kids and family more, you’ll experience more happiness, which will lead to more enjoyable family time, and so on – creating a positive snowball effect.

So, here’s 3 simple tips that can improve your happiness:

1. Repeat behaviors that have made you happy in the past.  Duh!  Think about one of the most fun family times you can remember with your kids.  Where were you, and what were you doing?  Okay, if it included Disney World, you maybe can’t repeat that everyday, so what about a simpler, fun laughing time you shared at home.  Or a comfortable, contented time you shared?  Remember the warm feeling in your gut, the utter joy in heart, as you just enjoyed this fun time with your gang?  Well, do it some more.

2. Immerse yourself in the moment.  Make sure whatever you’re doing, you’re fully engaged in it.  If you’ve chosen to have some “down time” or “family time”, focus on that activity, those people, only during that time.  Yeah, that means cell phones off, no distractions, no multitasking, no worrying about the work you (or your kids) still have to do.  For that time, allow yourself to be fully present and immersed in the fun.

3. Do something that serves a larger purpose.  Believe it or not, that old saying “giving is better than receiving” really does have some merit.  Studies show that when we feel we are contributing to the well-being of others, it has a positive side-effect of increasing our happiness and sense of satisfaction.  So, what are you and your kids doing that feels like you’re contributing some value to others.  When you engage in charity, service, or community events together, with the intention of contributing in some small way to others’ happiness, you’ll find that gift returns to you in the form of unaccounted blessings.

Now, if you’re feeling like this all sounds great, but you still don’t have the time for it – you don’t see how you could really follow through with some of these ideas – then do yourself a big favor.  Go to www.timechoicing.com right now and sign up for my upcoming teleseminar for busy parents.  You’ll get the help you need to stop stressing and start enjoying your life (and kids) again.

Why bother?  Because your happiness and your children’s happiness are worth it.  Aren’t they?

Parenting classes often focus on how parents can better understand their child’s development and behaviors, and how to develop parenting skills that are mostly about behavior management strategies.  These are certainly necessary for effective parenting, but they are not sufficient.  There is one key ingredient missing.

In fact, without this important prerequisite, all the parent education in the world that focuses on setting realistic expectations and using effective consequences is a waste of time and money.

What’s this one key ingredient?  Self-care for the caregiver.  If you’re feeling stressed out, pissed off, dumped on, or burnt out, then you can’t use any of the other parenting skills.  You may want to, but you just can’t sustain effective, loving nurturance and limits if you’re not fully recharged first.  You can’t give your child your best if your not at your best.  And your child can’t respond very well to even your best parenting, if he or she hasn’t taken time to de-stress and re-energize as well.

So, how do you (and your child) recharge your batteries and keep them positively charged?  How can you share your best selves with each other during family time together, rather than saving all your leftover stress and resentments of the day and taking it out on one another with garbage behaviors that leave you feeling more drained and guilty and bitter?

Modern neuroscience is confirming what many peaceful, patient souls have known for centuries: moments of mindfulness, practiced regularly, can go a long way to relieving stress and promoting happiness.

What is mindfulness?  Some parents are concerned it’s some new-age fad, or some religious cult.  It’s neither.  It’s simply a way of being fully present in the moment, without a lot of distracting, self-defeating thoughts, without the nagging worries and judgments that sap our joy, without the struggle to resist or grasp for things beyond our control.  It’s about being aware of what is happening in the moment, right now, and accepting that, then making a conscious choice for how to respond in a loving, compassionate way, rather than automatically reacting in some mindless, often angry or anxious, way.

How do you develop a habit of mindfulness?  Like anything else, with practice.  Patient, persistent practice.  There are many ways of developing mindfulness.  Here’s one tip  that you can start with to help you develop more peaceful, mindful ways of relieving stress in your daily life – called mindful attention.

Spend a few minutes, right now, just paying attention to the sounds in your environment.  What do you hear?  Listen some more, what else do you hear?  Nearby voices or music?  Distant traffic?  Wind blowing?  The buzz of electronica?  A sudden bird chirp or siren or rattling furnace?  Your breath?  Your heartbeat.  Shhhh.  Just listen.  Focus on hearing whatever is surrounding you, and just take it in.  Don’t judge it, or yourself.  Just enjoy the sensations and the awakening realization that you’re surrounded by many different sounds at any given time.  They’re happening whether you’re aware of them or not, whether you approve of them or not.  Now, you’re just paying attention to them.   And appreciating them.

Or you could do this with sights – what do you see, when you focus just on the things before you?  Focus and see things for what they are, just as they are, in this moment in time.  Not how they were yesterday, or a minute age, not how they’ll be next month, or how they should be.  Just how they are. Or do this with the sense of smell or taste.  Enjoy experiencing your senses in the here and now.

Notice that when you’re paying attention to just these senses, worries fade away.  Or maybe a distracting thought pops up, and you recognize it, but you don’t become controlled by it.  You acknowledge it, and let it go.  You return to your focus on the senses, gently and directly.  A few minutes of this, several times a day, can release built up tensions and rejuvenate your soul.  Outside in nature is particularly refreshing, but not necessary.  You can do this whenever, wherever you are.  Just pay attention to what is here, now.  Observe it, appreciate it, and let it go.  And move on to the next thing.

There are many things in our hectic, crazy worlds we can’t control.  One of the few things we can control is our minds – what we pay attention to and what we think and feel.  We have many choices, and we can go about mindlessly reacting to the world that we see as doing things TO us.  Or we can mindfully attend to what is happening, accept it, and choice to respond to it with lovingkindness.  This doesn’t mean we have to like or approve of everything – our child’s whining or defiant behaviors, for example.  It just means, we can choose to respond more compassionately – to our kids and our selves – when we come from a place of mindful appreciation and peace, first.

Then we can put those other parenting skills to good use, guiding our children to make more respectful, prosocial, healthy choices for themselves as well.

It’s the first act of life, and the last act of life.
By some miracle, you do it nearly 20,000 times each day without even thinking about it.
And it holds the key to teaching kids emotional self-control.

Breathing.  Just breathe.

Like many aspects of our being, it often goes unnoticed, taken for granted as we go about our lives unconsciously dealing with the stress of everyday life.  Fretting, racing, worrying, arguing.  We breathe one way.  Loving, laughing, resting, relaxing.  We breathe quite another way.

When you or your child begin to get upset about something – a perceived threat or insult or injustice – what happens to your breath?  It automatically becomes quick and shallow and labored.  Your heart and lungs are speeding up to deliver more oxygen to your extremities to prepare your body for the proverbial “fight or flight” response to stress.

As your child gets more upset, and his Feeling Fever rises on the Feeling Thermometer (Scale of 1-10), his muscles tense, his heart races, his breathing quickens.  It’s happening quite unconsciously.  He can’t help it.

Unless, of course, he becomes aware of what’s happening inside him, and he makes a conscious choice to calm down and relax.  He wants to feel better, be happier.  He doesn’t want to feel so upset or miserable.  But he’s unconsciously caught in an emotional whirlwind that’s starting to carry him away.  What to do?

Pay attention.  When he’s just starting to get into the Yellow Zone (4-5-6) on that Feeling Thermometer is the best time to remind him.  Just breathe.

All relaxation, meditation, and exercise programs that promote mind-body health begin with the breath.  It holds the key to being able to self-regulate and guide oneself to accomplishing almost any goal.  Want your child to be able to get to sleep better?  Follow directions better?  Focus on what she’s doing better?  Control his temper better?  Worry less?  Argue less?  Interrupt less?  Stress less?

Then you’ll want to help him/her remember to “Stop, Relax, and Think!” using our Feeling Thermometer as a memory aid  (See http://www.petermontminy.com/2010/09/managing-emotions-stop-relax-and-think/.)

And the key to the relaxation part is to breathe.  Just breathe.

Getting too excited?  Too carried away?  Too emotional?  Too intense?  With whatever emotion, over whatever circumstance, remember step one.  Just breathe.

You think I’m being ridiculous with this mantra?  Starting to getting irritated with this article?  Just breathe.  (Okay, you can smile, too.)

Be mindful of continuously monitoring your child’s emotional temperature.  As it starts to enter the Yellow Zone, compassionately suggest to your child, “Let’s just stop and take a deep breath for a minute.”  Then proceed to do just that – lead your child in deep, diaphragmatic breathing.  From the gut.  What I like to call “Belly Breathing.”

Hold your hand over your belly button.  Now inhale using your abdominal muscles, so that the hand on your belly rises and falls gently with each inhale and exhale.  Invite a cleansing breath into your body, filling your lungs from the bottom up.  Gently.  Slowly.  Deeply.  Without straining.  Without hunching up your shoulders or puffing up your chest.  Only your belly is moving.

To practice with your child, imagine a balloon inside your bellies filling up with air.  Lie back, relax, and see if you can fill the balloon up slowly and steadily, for 4 seconds.  Hold it for 1.  Let the air seep gently out of the balloon for 4 more seconds.  Repeat. 

In (1—2—3—4) and Out (1—2—3—4).
In (1—2—3—4) and Out (1—2—3—4).
In (1—2—3—4) and Out (1—2—3—4).

Encourage your child to notice how their body feels after this brief “4×4 Breathing” exercise.  Ask where they feel on the stress thermometer now.  Odds are, it just went down a couple of notches!   For more fun and awareness, practice with a stuffed animal riding the gentle waves on top of your belly as you breathe slowly and deeply.  In and out.  In and out.   In and out.

Now you can add other steps, from positive self-talk or imagery to muscle tense-and-release exercises.  For example, coach your child to repeat to themselves, with each breath, “I can relax.  I will relax.  I am relaxing.” And just breathe.

The beauty, and power, of this technique lies in its simplicity.  It can be done anytime, anywhere.  Without fanfare, without notice, you and your child carry your breath with you wherever you go.  Now the challenge is simply to notice it, remain mindful of it, and consciously choose to slow it down. 

Deep, cleansing breaths from the belly center, from your core, will refresh and relax your body and your mind.  Such breathing is physiologically incompatible with being tense.  Just breathe.

Only then will you and your child be ready to focus clearly and constructively on solving whatever problem is at hand.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with security,
they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

- From “Children Learn What They Live” by Dorothy Law Nolte

There is an exploding amount of western scientific research coming out these days confirming what eastern spiritual practices and grandma’s common sense have long known.  Children learn what they live.

Modern neuroscience is showing us more clearly than ever that children learn best only when they are living in an environment that is:

• safe and secure,
• pleasurable and fun,
• encouraging and nurturing,
• stimulating and challenging.

Children’s brains develop rapidly by interacting with people, places, and things that they can explore freely – without undue fear of physical or psychological harm.  Without safe and stimulating interactions from caregivers at each stage of development, a child’s mind will not reach its full potential. 

Sure, all children inherit different genes, and they are wired from birth with certain predispositions for both strengths and vulnerabilities.   Every parent with more than one child knows this.  But how those specific strengths will develop and how those vulnerabilities will be compensated for has everything to do with the environment your child grows up in. 

In short, your own personal and family well-being (along with the teacher’s and school’s well-being), goes a long way towards determining your child’s academic, social, and emotional successes in life. 

When parents or families are experiencing constant, chronic stress, that stress is downloaded onto the child.  And when your child is stressed, his or her mind is unable to fully do its job.  Your child is unavailable – dare I say with a brain that is off-line – for learning and succeeding in school.

Curiosity and creativity can only thrive when your child’s brain isn’t worrying about perceived threats to his or her personal well-being (both physical and emotional).  Paying attention, finding patterns, making connections to stored memories, and predicting how things will turn out – all critical processes for learning anything – can only occur when the emotional filters of the mid-brain feel secure enough to allow the higher brain to process incoming information.  And these higher brain decision-making centers in the frontal lobes – responsible for the “executive functions” of analyzing, prioritizing, planning, self-directing, and self-regulating – will only thrive when consistently nurturing and optimally challenging caregivers guide them.

Whew!  What a mouthful.  What does it all mean?

It means you, as a caring parent or teacher, will need to keep making conscious choices about how you interact with your growing children, if you want to see them develop to their full potential (- which I know you do because I keep hearing that phrase over and over again from parents and teachers!).

Where to start?  While the scientific explanations may sound complicated at times, fortunately the solutions are not.  Your child – and his or her brain – will thrive if you start taking these 5 steps this week, and keep on stepping through them, for as long as you have your child in your home (or school or childcare center!):

1. Talking and listening.  Think and talk out loud.  Model for your child how you think through a challenging problem to solve it.  Talk about your day.  Share a joke or funny story.  Ask them specific questions (who, what, when, where, why, how…?) with caring curiosity, not bullying interrogations.  Take the time and space and silence to allow their answers to unfurl.  Have open ears and an open heart to receive their questions and complaints with grace.  Celebrate their victories.  Be present.  Minutes a day will go a long way.

2. One-on-one game playing.  Play board games and card games and make-believe games.  Solve puzzles of all kinds together.  Look for a balance of cooperative and competitive games, quiet/passive games and active/sporting games.  Sure, video-games too, in moderation.  Model and practice turn-taking, rule-following, and good-sportsmanship.  The point is to share fun and laughter with each other, and in so doing, see that everyone wins where it’s most important.

3. Walking in the park or woods.  Get outside, breathe fresh air, move your bodies.  Relaxing or exciting.  It’s about observation and discovery of things big and small, both within us and all around us.  It’s about seeing and hearing and smelling and tasting and feeling the beauty of nature.  Plug back into the natural rhythms of life.  Feed your child’s senses and soul.  Simply.  Go easy on the expectations.  Just go.  Regularly.  And enjoy what unfolds. 

4. Decreasing TV time.  Limit the amount of screen-time.  For real.  Make conscious choices about what TV shows and computer sites your child has access to, and how much.  An hour or two a day, maximum.  With pre-approved menu.  Not just any old thing, on as background buzz, seeping into your child’s mind, mindlessly.  Or yours.  Actively monitor your child’s media diet.  And yours.  Promote lots of healthy choices.  Sure, allow media junk food indulgences in limited quantities.  Consider this simple rule of thumb.  Does your child have to ask to have someone come over and play?  Do you set up some expectations and limits around such a get-together?  Well, do the same with the TV or computer (or cell phone!).  They have to ask to use it and learn the limited time and place and choice options.  Radical.

5. Increasing self-care time.  You can’t and won’t do any of these things for your kids on a consistent basis if you’re burnt-out or running on empty.  Nurture your body, mind, or spirit at least a half-hour a day.  Guaranteed you have the time, you just may not be choosing to use it this way.  (See me for more details.)  When you’re relaxed and alert and open to fun new learning experiences, you’ll be a guiding light for your child to do the same.  As Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  – Or your child.

As always, enjoy the journey!  And remember that our Kidstep Coaching Programs are designed specifically to help your kids step into life-time success by enhancing both your family’s well-being and your child’s executive functioning.

“Teaching Kids Respect – Part 1: Mindfulness”

By Dr. Peter Montminy

mindfulness (n.) the trait of staying aware of, or paying close attention to, your responsibilities; a mental state of calm, enhanced awareness.

respect (v.) to honor or revere; to have a good opinion of someone, and to avoid doing anything they would dislike or regard as wrong.

Many parents and teachers today complain about kids showing so little respect – to adults, to siblings and peers, and even to themselves.  Why is this?

As usual, lots of reasons, but let’s look at a few major factors.  Kids are exposed to grown up activities, language, and attitudes at younger ages, and feel entitled to “get their due” as mini-adults.  There’s been a generation of parenting more concerned with inflating a child’s self-esteem than with instilling self-discipline.  And the ever-present electronic media spreads all sorts of toxic messages like wildfire across the social landscape of kids.  They are increasingly immersed in a commercial and entertainment driven culture where conflict and crassness sells more than civility and caring.

So, what’s a conscious, caring parent to do?!  Two part answer: First, focus on the inside, your own mindset, and cultivate mental habits that will bring forth more respectful and loving parenting practices.  Second, focus on the outside, the actual interactions you have with your children.  Be conscious of your inner thoughts and your outward actions with your kids, and this will lead you all to a path of more respectful relationships.

Of course, the bottom line is you have to give respect to get respect.  So let’s explore some practical ways to do that.  I’ve developed the TOP 12 TIPS for TEACHING KIDS RESPECT based on over 20 years of clinical practice with many distressed families.  Let’s look at the first 6 tips, focusing on mental mindset, today (and the remaining 6 tips, focusing on conscious actions, next week).

Tip #1:  AWARENESS – Be aware of individual differences.  Recognize that all kids – and parents! – have unique personality styles, strengths, and needs.  Be keenly aware of your child’s temperament (high activity or low, slow or quick to warm up to others, flexible or rigid, intuitive or methodical, impulsive or inhibited, highly sensitive or not, high or low frustration tolerance, auditory or visual learner, etc.) – and yours.  Think “How are we the same?  How are we different?” and “So what?”

Appreciate diversity, and don’t expect your kids to deal with life the same way you do, or even the same as their brothers or sisters.  When you keep this in mind, you can more easily find the energy to adapt your parenting style to meet your child’s needs in the most constructive way.  That is, you’ll be better able to get through to your child and help them develop the respectful behaviors you want them to.

Tip #2:  ATTRIBUTIONS – Understand what the major factors are that contribute to your child’s functioning.  Remember there is rarely a single cause of your child’s behavior.  There is no “silver bullet” or “magic solution” that will cure disrespect.  But if you’re paying attention to what the major causes are, and how they interact, you can better guide your child’s emotional and moral development.

The major factors to consider include 1) personal characteristics (biological temperament and psychological “thoughts and feelings” filters), 2) interpersonal interactions (the expectations and consequences you apply to your kids, and how you communicate them), and 3) the environmental circumstances (the stressors and supports that surround the family). 

When considering why your child is behaving that way, keep in mind these factors, and have them lead you to more practical solutions for improving your child’s behaviors.

Tip #3:  ACCEPTANCE – Accept the current reality, and stay focused on what you can control or change.  Recognize that in any situation, there are things you can control and things you can’t.  Accept your limitations, rather than worrying about those things you can’t really do much about, and this will free up your energy to focus on more constructive solutions.

Remember, what you focus on, grows!  Focus your energy, thoughts, conversations, and efforts on what you can control.  Think “Here’s something I can do about it now.”

Tip #4: ATTITUDE – Live each day with a positive, loving attitude and lots of positive energy.  If you don’t fill up your spiritual, mental, and physical gas tanks, you’re running on empty and unable to give your kids the good, positive parenting that will yield the results you want.  Remember, you reap what you sow. 

So, commit to at least 30-minutes a day for self-care and rejuvenation.  That’s only 3 hours out of 168 hours in a week.  The rest of the world will keep functioning, and everyone else’s needs can get met, in the other 165, honest!  Make a conscious choice about caring for yourself first, so you can have more of the positive energy you and your kids deserve.

Tip #5: ATTENTION – Pay attention to building your child’s self-discipline and self-respect, not just self-esteem.  As Jill Rigby points out in her book “Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World” this is an important distinction.  When we worry too much about building up our child’s self-esteem, we often inadvertently give a child a false sense of their own importance and entitlement.

If you focus on developing self-respect instead of self-esteem in your child, you’ll find that you’re dealing with more gratitude than greed, more humility than arrogance, more confidence than insecurity, more perseverance than futility, more contentment than discontentment, more others-centeredness than self-centeredness, and someone who is more well-mannered than ill-mannered

Tip #6: ACCOUNTABILITY – Be empathic to your children’s feelings AND still hold them firmly accountable for their behaviors.  I call this the “Goldilocks Parenting Rule.”  Not too hot, not too cool – not too hard, not too soft.  Always guide your child using a balance of compassionate understanding along with firm and fair expectations and consequences.

Next week, we’ll take a closer look at how to put those firm, fair expectations and consequences into action. 

Meanwhile, remember to remember these six mental mindset tips. 

Be mindful of your:
- Assumptions – Do I recognize and respect individual differences?
- Attributions – Do I know where my kid is coming from?
- Acceptance – Am I accepting reality and only focusing on what I can do?
- Attitude – Am I staying recharged with positive energy and optimism?
- Attention – Am I more focused on developing self-discipline or self-esteem?
- Accountability – Do I balance loving nurturance with firm limits?