You’ve heard all about getting dialed back to a reasonable bedtime, packing the lunch or backpack the night before, setting up a work station with all the right doo-dads neatly organized.  Good advice indeed for student success.

Now, for success in life as well as school, here are my Top Ten Tips for mindfully managing back-to-school stress:

1. STOP, RELAX, & THINK! Too often were’ running around mindlessly multitasking, feeling like we “have to” do this or that or the other thing. And the other thing always seems to pop up out of nowhere to bite us in the butt.  The best way to hurry up and get where you want to go, is to STOP and slow down!  Otherwise, you may be hurrying in the wrong direction.

2. Regain Perspective. Rather than running around reflexively reacting, slow down to reflectively respond instead.  Zoom out and take a “God’s eye view” to look at your life or your day.  What’s working well and what isn’t?  And why?  What goals for this school year (or day) really matter the most?  And why?

3. Reset Your Priorities. When you get refocused on your big “Why’s”, it helps to put all the little stuff that we’re not supposed to sweat about back into perspective. Then we can zoom in to refocus on what really matters.  Sure, there are the practical realities of making it to the bus on time, and getting the homework done, and hopefully learning something new each day, and being able to productively “show what you know” on tests and papers and such.

Yet in our hearts, we know that what matters most is HOW we achieve those practical goals – with loving-kindness and patience and laughter, or tense, impulsive frustration and fretting.  It really is about the journey, not the destination.  That’s what your child really needs to learn, perhaps – how to go about meeting his/her daily responsibilities with joy, rather than anxiety or anger.  Which are you modeling? Which are you practicing?  That’s what your children will remember about their childhood.

Don’t be shy about this.  Post little reminder notes, sayings, inspirational quotes, pictures, art, etc. around your home, your desk, your refrigerator, your car dashboard. Keep the good stuff front and center – for you and your kids.

4. Recharge Your Batteries. If you’re running on empty, you can’t give your child your best self – let alone you deserve to enjoy your best self yourself!   So give yourself a minute, just one minute right now, to reflect on something.

Think of a time recently when you were really happy. What were you doing, where were you, whom were you with?  Recall an experience when you felt alive, energized, joyful.  Simply put, what are some things that you enjoy doing? What brings you energy?  Excites or calms you? What’s fun for you? Now, would you like more of that in your life?

Okay, so do more of that.  YES, you can!  There are 32 half-hour segments in your waking day.  At least ONE of them can be for your pure unadulterated enjoyment – every single day!  I promise, the rest of the world will still survive if it only gets the other 31/32 parts of you.  If you’re truly committed to your top priorities (see 3 above), then you’ll need to recharge your batteries, refuel your gas tank, so you can actually reach your destination.  It’s really not optional – though as crazy, unconscious, martyring parents, we keep thinking it is.

And remember, if you’re suffering, you’re children are suffering.

So, go for that walk DAILY.  Pray.  Watch your favorite TV show.  Have lunch with that friend.  Read inspirational stories or passages.  Run, bike, or play volleyball. Have people that make you laugh over for dinner or dessert or a drink.  Get that back rub or bubble bath.  Take a half hour each night to snuggle under blankets with your child, eating popcorn, reading a book, or thumb wrestling.  Hug your partner, often. Whatever does it for you. Recharge.

Healthy mindfulness practice is about having brief periods of awareness repeated many times.  It’s not about taking some big chunk of time or meeting some grand goal or striving to be happy or healthy.  It’s about appreciating the gift of what is, in the present moment.

Be more present to the moments that bring you joy.  And insert them, bit by bit, into your daily life.

5. Recharge Your Child’s Batteries.  Ditto for your kids.  Structure it, guide it, see to it.  Don’t smother it or force it.  Give your child the space to have what nourishes them, perhaps with you, perhaps without. But be aware, and facilitate it. What re-energizes your child?  What soothes your child?  Make sure it’s a conscious part of the daily diet of family life.

6. Listen Carefully, Speak Clearly. Communication skills are fundamental to healthy, happy relationships.  And having close, supportive relationships is the single biggest predictor of well-being at any stage of life.  So nurture your relationship with your child, especially through the stressful transitions of back-to-school or otherwise, with mindful communications.

Listen with an open mind.  Don’t just be waiting your turn to get YOUR point across. As Steven Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  Are you really listening, not just to your child’s words, but to the thoughts and feelings behind those words?  Are you understanding what feelings, needs, struggles, desires your child is trying to express?  Acknowledgement and acceptance are critical, always. Approval is another matter.  You’ll want to consciously decide if you approve of what your child is saying or doing, and then act accordingly.

Speak with an open heart.  Be clear in your heart, what do you really care about in this situation?  What value or principle do you want your child to learn from you in this moment?  Get clear on that, then state it clearly and compassionately.  Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it meanly.

7. Work on Purpose.  Other critical life skills for your child include being creative, industrious, responsible, persistent.  To be able to work through difficulties without giving up.  To work towards a goal, even in the midst of frustrations and distractions, and achieve it.  To sustain attention and effort to a task, to persevere even when you don’t want to, to produce meaningful output through thoughtful input.  To gain mastery and competence and confidence.  These are important paths to a life well-lived.  And a nice by-product is they get you good grades in school, too.

So make clear to your child, these too are priorities.  Without nagging or perpetually complaining about the black cloud of homework or chores hanging overhead, get to it.  Schedule “classes” at home just like they do at school.  Or schedule homework or chore “appointments”, just like you do for doctors or music lessons or anything else.  Schedule time-limited (30, 45, 60 minutes) appointments into your calendar, 5-6 days a week.  Then get your child to show up at the appointed hour, and focus on that thing for that time.  Period.  No discussions or worrying about it before or afterwards. Just do it in that space at that time. Now is our time to work, just like now is our time to sleep, or now is our time to eat.  It’s planned and purposeful.

Preview with your child specifically what work he/she needs to do.  Briefly create a game plan for how they’ll do it, and make sure the materials or tools are there to succeed.  Be clear on the time expectations. You will “collect the papers” or “end the appointment” or “inspect the job” at a specific time. Set a timer or set an alarm on your watch or cell phone to cue you and/or your child. Encourage your child to do the best they can in that allotted time (just like they do when taking a test at school).  Expect that they can and will give their full engagement to this task at this time.  Remove any distractions, especially extraneous electronic ones.  Prime the pump by starting the child on the task, then fade away while remaining available if your child has any questions or needs any assistance.  Do random spot checks and provide positive, encouraging redirections.  Give a 5-10 minute warning before the end of the period.  At the end of the period, come in, briefly review and close.  Now let it go until the next scheduled appointment.  Set your child, and yourself, free!

8. Hang out and Play.  When looking at the weekly schedule, when looking at the hours left in the day, be sure to schedule some unscheduled time in there.  Don’t just let it happen by default, with unconscious “zombie screen time” sucking the hours away, and then awakening in a stupor at the end of the evening to “hey, what just happened, where did the time go?”  Rather, consciously insert “free play” or “down time” into your family life.

And pay attention to it.  Hanging out time can be the most sacred time you can have. It’s the space between the notes that makes the music sweet.  And this is the space where you and your child can really grow together.  This is when and where most children – especially teens – reveal themselves the most.  It’s where you get to see the person your child is becoming.  It can be unstructured – just literally sitting around, maybe watching TV or listening to music or witnessing a storm blow through.  It can be specified play time – as in, “Now we’re gonna have play time, what do you want to play?”

Card games, board games, video games, puzzles, charades, storytelling, make-believe, coloring, arts-and-crafts, sing-alongs, building forts or rube goldberg machines (google it!), playing catch in the back yard, sitting around a campfire, lingering at the table after dinner, or snuggling under the covers again.  The possibilities are endless. It can even be in the mundane moments of the day – while washing dishes or folding laundry or walking the dog or driving to the store together.

The key is, pay attention – not to your next “to do” item, but to the beauty of the moment, of just being with your kids.

9. Be Thankful. No matter what you do, some days the tensions and frustrations of the school day/week/year will get to you – or to your child.  You’ll feel overwhelmed and anxious.  You’ll be impatiently, impulsively angry at the world, and you’ll snap.  Go ahead, allow yourself that moment of frustration and self-doubt – of “why me?” or “damn you kid/parent/teacher/coach/God/whatever!”  Then let it go, and remember something else.

Remember how fortunate you are to have these problems. Remember how blessed you are to have this child, this parent, this spouse, this life – even all the ugly awful drudgery of it.  Now, if it’s a crisis or abusive situation, you need to work diligently and immediately to get out of harm’s way as best you can, of course.  And still, there will be things to be thankful for.  Don’t forget those things.  Be aware and awaken to them.  Appreciate them.

Practically, you can start each new day with a mindful moment or prayer of thanksgiving.  You can all share one thing you’re thankful for with each other at dinnertime or bedtime.  You can keep a gratitude journal where you write down 3 things that you appreciated about your day.  Recent research shows that these simple practices really do lead to less stress and more health and happiness in our lives – whatever the circumstances.

10. Just Breathe. The universal remedy.  It’s always with you – ready, willing, and able to help you heal. (Or not. It’s your choice.)  Whenever you’re feeling frantic, frenzied, or frazzled, you can always return to peacefulness by returning to your breath.  Slow, deep, cleansing breaths.  Out goes the tension, in comes the peace. Gently, lovingly, strongly – just breathe.  Let all other thoughts go lightly by.  You may notice them, but you are not, for the moment, controlled by them.  You are focusing on the sensations of your breathing. In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  Ahhhh.

Now you’re ready to return to number 1, and repeat these top ten tips over and over, bit by bit, as you and your child resume the daily activities of being back-to-school and on-the-go.  Mindfully.  Happily.  Perfectly imperfectly.  Content.

Gotta a story to tell…
I wrote to my congressman and senators the other day – furious and fed up about the polarized partisan absurdity going on in DC over the debt ceiling and budget woes and us teetering on the brink of a downward spiral towards national bankruptcy and international economic collapse.  Good times.
I asked them to please knock it the heck off – we’re not stupid, we don’t want any more placating sound bites, we need real solutions for our real baby boomer bubble for the coming decades, not just false hopes to get us through the next election cycle.  (For the record, I opined that it’s gotta include BOTH reducing expenses AND increasing revenues for a while to get us out of this debt hole, and yes it’ll mean hard truths and sacrifices for us all, and yes that better include the wealthiest amongst us, but so be it, we can’t keep getting something for nothing…)

Anyway, I went on to tell them I was losing all hope in our political system as well as our public leaders, because of the lack of civil discourse and honest problem-solving that we sorely need to move our country forward. (Just like the families I work with.)  I asked if they could please work together to find a realistic solution, given that we’re all in the same boat and we’ll all either sink or swim together on this one.

(Again, like the families I work with.)  I asked if they could please give me reason for hope again.
Meanwhile, I had some extra tough challenges at work and home this week.  It’s been one of those weeks where the harder you work, the further behind you feel; the more you get done, the more others want you to do; the more you want things to go a certain way, the more apt they are to go just about 180 degrees differently.
So finally I paid attention to the tension in my neck and back and head. I stopped pushing so hard to produce. Instead I quieted down, and started to listen – to what my body and the universe were trying to tell me.  Rather than pushing, I began to allow myself to be pulled in a direction that my heart knew to be true. Rather than trying so hard to achieve, I opened myself up to receive.
This took me on an alternative path to my destination (and who’s to say which is the main road and which is the detour, anyway?) – that of completing this article and some other reports by tomorrow’s deadline.
In short, I called a TIME OUT from the raging conflict within, and sought some brief TIME OFF to recharge my spirit. I let go of insisting on exactly how I was going to accomplish my responsibilities, though never doubting that I would. I just opened myself up to different possibilities about how I’d get there.
I stopped micromanaging myself, took a few deep cleansing breaths, and just entered into a brief centering prayer – allowing myself to become one with the flowing river of life, trusting where the current would take me.
It wasn’t long before the current brought me quite effortlessly to a meditation reading for today by Joan Borysenko (”Pocketful of Miracles”) that saved my sanity and led me on to something even more inspiring.
Her reflection for today:

“There is an old adage that angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. Steve Bhaerman is a humorist who often performs under the alias of Swami Beyonananda, the Yogi from Muskogy. Levity, he says, is the very best way of overcoming gravity. Have you heard the story about the guy who actually left his body permanently during a course on death and dying? He got an A.”
And her suggested practice for today:
“A joke a day may not keep the doctor away, but there is good scientific evidence that laughter actually brings forth the relaxation response. Why not? A good joke instantly breaks you out of everyday trance and the attachment to past and future and delivers you into the present moment where joy, harmony, and peace are as natural as breathing. Your spiritual practice today is to learn, and then tell, one joke. Notice the increase of the lifeforce energy when you laugh.”
Amen! This brought a smile to my lips and a tear to my eye. It was just the message I needed – to not take things so seriously – not a writing deadline, not a certain expectation that my child failed to meet, not even an impending economic meltdown.
I’ve always agreed with the old adage that “Laughter is the best medicine.” And it is important to practice, of course, what we preach. So I sought out Swami Beyonananda’s website, enjoyed some video clippings, and gave myself an endorphin bath with a good few minutes of LOL humor.
Then another magical thing happened. I went to the companion website, Steve Bhaerman’s blog, where I thoroughly enjoyed his editorial post about a transpartisan movement of people “left and right coming together front and center” to seek common-sense, common-cause, consensus-based solutions to our societal problems. (See http://notesfromthetrailblog.com/?p=280 if you’re interested.)
I loved it. It cheered me up. It recommitted me to my work to restore sanity to humanity, one family at a time. It spurred me on to write and complete a newsletter article in time for my deadline (Voila!). And much more than the form-letter replies I received from my congressman and senators, it gave me hope.
So here’s to summer living that is a little bit Steve, a little bit Swami – living out loud with both our heads and our hearts. And here’s to living ala his website: WakeUpLaughing.

Our spirits, our families, and our children, will benefit greatly.

]]> http://www.petermontminy.com/2011/07/wake-up-laughing/feed/ 0 http://www.petermontminy.com/2011/05/your-tweens-and-friends-part-2-stepping-up/ http://www.petermontminy.com/2011/05/your-tweens-and-friends-part-2-stepping-up/#comments Fri, 27 May 2011 17:59:58 +0000 admin http://www.petermontminy.com/?p=427

Last week we set the stage for how to help your pre-teen make smart choices for their budding friendships.  This week, we look at the other half of the battle, which involves ongoing supervision and involvement in your child’s activities.

As always, just the right balance is called for here.  You will probably not succeed as a ruthless dictator.  Nor will you succeed as an indifferent, too-busy-to-pay-attention enabler.  We need to actively pay attention, and guide our kids’ choices as best we can, while accepting our limitations.  God knows we can’t know it all or control it all.  Still, we have the right to know WHERE our children are hanging out, WITH WHOM they’re hanging out, and WHAT they are doing while they’re hanging out.

Make it clear that your children are earning the privilege to go out and socialize with friends.  The more honesty and integrity they show you in their choice of social activities, the more trust and independence they can earn.  So when they say they’re going to be with friend X at place Y doing activity Z, they darned well better be doing just that.   You have the right, in fact the responsibility, as a parent to pre-certify that this choice is A-OK – that it’s consistent with your family’s values and your child’s best interests.

How do you safely certify your child’s social choices?  Here’s my list of “Top 10 Tips:”

1. Be very clear with your child what is and is not acceptable behavior, and what consequences will follow what behaviors.  Remind your children that the fun or not-so-fun results are up to them and the behavioral choices they make.  If things have been really rough, you can literally make a list and post it of “Approved” and “Not Approved” Persons, Places, and Activities for your child.

2. Get to know the friend’s name (both first and last – you’d be surprised…), as well as the friend’s address, phone number, and parents’ names.  You need to know this information in case of an emergency, so get it up front as a matter of course, period.

3. Talk to the friend’s parents, on the phone and then in person, about the kids’ plans, your expectations, and the need for open communication between you and them.  These are your allies, make sure you feel that way!

4. Have your child invite the friend(s) over to your house for an after-school activity or dinner before your child does other things with them.

5. Spend the first few minutes chatting with your child and the friend about their day, interests, family, etc.  Then briefly review house rules with them together.  Yeah, the kids may be uncomfortable, embarrassed, or bored, but you want to know if this friend has the basic social skills and manners that you expect.  And you want this friend to see you as a present parent, one who is in charge of this household, who they are accountable to, and who they can turn to if there is any trouble.

6. Let the kids go have their fun, keeping one eye and one ear on the activities.  Check in periodically, offer refreshments, whatever, but do so sparingly.  Now is the time to show some trust.

7. Provide consistent discipline.  Don’t let the children get away with behaviors you find unacceptable just because you’re afraid of embarrassing your child in front of your friends.  Stick to your guns right from the beginning, and you will be sending a powerful message to your children and their friends.  A little bit of this may actually stick and lead to some self-discipline when they are away from your monitoring eyes and ears.

8. Wrap up the get-together by having a brief, casual conversation with the kids together again, perhaps while transporting the friend home.  Regardless of transportation arrangements, make sure all the kids always check in to say “hello” and “goodbye” with you.  It’s a safety check, it’s good manners, and it’s establishing a real relationship with them, so they will respect your influence in a more real way.  Plus it’s just plain friendly and fun.

9. Afterwards, process briefly with your child how it went for them.  You are not interrogating, you are earnestly interested in whether your child had a good time, and if they think they want to spend more time with this friend.  Have an open dialogue, and be frank about what you enjoyed or didn’t about the friend.  If the friend crossed clear limits for acceptable behavior, be clear that this cannot continue.  Don’t attack or criticize your child.  Support him or her in thinking about what to do given the problem.  Encourage your children to think about how they could stop or redirect that behavior in their friends, how they could pursue other activities or situations that wouldn’t as likely lead to the forbidden behavior, or how they could better spend their time with other friends.

10. If things went well, encourage and support your child in spending more time in various activities with this friend.  The best defense against antisocial behaviors in adolescence is having your child engaged in prosocial activities and relationships.  Fill the void with good stuff, and more good stuff will happen.

In addition to academics, success in the social arena is becoming the primary job of your pre-teen.  Help them succeed.  Join your child in constructive thinking about their behavioral and social choices.  Then let them venture off to experiment.

It’s not a perfect science – for parent or child – mistakes will be made.  But with these safeguards in place, we all stand a better chance.

Parents often worry about their children’s choices of friends, especially as they enter the pre-teen and early adolescent years.  We wonder, will my child have any friends, the right kind of friends, who will they be, and what will they be doing?  How will I know if my child’s getting in trouble, hanging with the wrong crowd, or getting exposed to sex, drugs, or violence in ways I don’t approve?    Yikes!  If you weren’t neurotic before, these child-rearing years can certainly do it to you.

Our children don’t help much.  They are increasingly seeking comfort, advice, and camaraderie not within the family, but with their peer group instead.  And that peer group increasingly demands privacy from the parents’ eyes and ears.  We watch from the sidelines (or the chauffeur’s seat in the car) as this drama unfolds.  The kids are gleefully passing notes, phoning, emailing, IMing, texting, skyping, etc. one another.  They’re planning sleep-overs, challenging each other to truth-or-dares, ragging on each other and the world, and sharing heartfelt secrets.  We often have mixed feelings ranging from pride and humor (“Isn’t it cute/great/funny – reminds me of when I was that age”) to horror and dread (“Oh no, what are they up to – reminds me of when I was that age”).

So how to handle our children’s move towards a more independent social life – whether it be blossoming or struggling?  How do we guide our children’s development of healthy friendships without being overly intrusive or neglectful?  A few tips.

First, make your values and limits perfectly clear.  Of course, but how?  NOT with stern, long-winded lectures.  The trick here is to find the brief teachable moments, to share our thoughts in brief sentences, and to encourage repeatedly brief dialogues with out kids about important issues.  (Note the operative word “brief” in the preceding sentence.)

Remember that talks with children at this age are usually best when they are not eye-to-eye, intense verbal discussions focused directly on the child.  Rather, we can use shared TV shows, movies, music, car radio news reports, internet headlines, popular you tube videos, local parent or kid chatter to make our point.

Share and explore what you’re seeing and hearing in the world.  Ask questions about what they’re seeing and hearing in the world.  Use these examples of pro-social and anti-social behaviors as opportunities for discussion about making smart choices.  Ask your kids, where would they draw the line and why?

It’s best to focus on a person’s behavior choices and the natural consequences of those behaviors, not making broad judgments about the person per se.  This is true whether you’re discussing social behaviors observed in the media, the neighborhood, or your own home.

Be empathic, acknowledge the struggle the child may have felt, and point out the positive and negative choices the child could make.  Be clear that positive behavioral choices lead to positive outcomes, and negative choices lead to negative consequences – sooner or later.  (What goes around, comes around!)  Be realistic and fair, and whatever you do, do not exaggerate to make your point.  Kids this age have seriously sensitive BS detectors.

You can use these techniques with almost any topic: smoking, drinking, sex, shoplifting, borrowing, curfews, homework, academic achievement, sportsmanship, morals, hygeine, appearance, eating and sleeping habits, chores, respectful or appropriate talking, trust, commitment, fairness, tolerance, social activities, and more.

Chat with your kids about these issues as they come up and while you’re eating, driving, washing dishes, going for a walk, playing a board game, or just hanging out.  Make sure you have some casual together times daily (at least several times weekly) – to make room for such conversation.  And during these times, make sure you allow the child to contribute his or her ideas, that you are having a dialogue, not a monologue.

Are you respectfully listening to your child’s ideas, before respectfully sharing your own?  Openly and carefully consider your child’s thoughts, feelings, and points of view.  Empathize with their struggles, challenges, and peer pressures.  Then return to your core values and expectations, quite clearly and directly.  Repeat as needed.

You are planting seeds. Just plant them and gently water from time to time.  Do not insistently overwater.

As always, reality check, are you practicing what you’re preaching.  There is no better way to make your values stick with your kids that to daily practice and live them.  None of us are perfect, but how close are we?  The closer our behaviors match our words, the closer our children’s behaviors will match our wishes.

Now, you have laid the groundwork for your children to go out and make smart choices for themselves about their activities and their friends.  That’s half the battle.  The second half of this parenting game plan will be discussed next week.  So stay tuned for ideas on how to effectively monitor your tween’s social life.

“If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”  It’s Mother’s Day weekend, and how better to celebrate than to recognize this old truism.  For a family to function and thrive, it needs a mom who feels well, does well, is well.  Of course, we double our chances of a happy, healthy family if dads join in on this wellness plan too.

So let’s see, how can parents maintain a happy, healthy lifestyle in the midst of their crazy busy lives?  Take care of yourself first, and then you’ll be able to take good care of your children.  Remember, children learn what they live.  So, here’s a reminder of the seven dimensions of living well that you may want to foster in your home.

1. Physical Wellness.  It’s about understanding your “heredity and habits” – your biological vulnerabilities and risk factors, along with your lifestyle choices, that will help you prevent injuries, illness, and disease in your life.  Be proactive with your body, not reactive, and get regular medical care that includes wellness visits.  Then practice the “Big 3” –  SLEEP enough, EAT smart, EXERCISE regularly.

2. Intellectual Wellness.  It’s about maintaining an open mind and curiosity about the world, being eager to learn new ideas, skills, and customs.  Stay young and vibrant by being a “life-long learner” – exploring new experiences, developing new competencies.  Read, listen, discuss with others, debate, challenge yourself, think critically not just blindly.  Give yourself some creative outlet – make time for a hobby that engages your brain and your heart.

3. Emotional Wellness.  It’s about being aware of your full range of emotions, accepting them, and regulating your expression of them.  Gently acknowledge that it’s okay to feel sad, mad, scared, etc., it’s what we do with it that counts.  Practice self-regulation (from self-awareness to self-control to self-worth).  Develop relaxation strategies.  Focus on gratitude and forgiveness (yourself as well as others) and charity, and you’ll find your way to more hope and happiness.

4. Spiritual Wellness.  It’s about having a set of guiding principles and values that give your life meaning and purpose.  Often it may include a faith in a higher power, a Universal life energy, a living God, and a shared religious community or practice.  Always it includes a belief in the power of love, of hope, of goodness surrounding us, and the practice of compassion for one another.

5. Social Wellness.  It’s about your roles and relationships – how much you experience and maintain a sense of connection with others.  Do you feel loved and loving towards family and friends?  Do you feel committed to the well-being of your communities – both local and global?  Seek companionship with positive, supportive people.  Practice constructive communication and conflict resolution skills.  Listen attentively, speak respectfully, play joyfully with those close to you.  Connect and offer service to those in need, near or far from you.  Be a part of something bigger.

6. Vocational Wellness.  It’s about career satisfaction.  Seek a job where your gifts, talents, and skills are applied in ways that are meaningful and fulfilling.  This can happen anywhere and in any task or responsibility – no matter how seemingly big or small. Love what you do!  Surround yourself with positive, encouraging, and supportive co-workers.  Be one yourself.  Find strength in teamwork.  And maintain a healthy work/life balance.  Be fully present at your work, for a limited time only.  Then be fully present to the rest of your life as well.  That’s how you’ll be most productive in both realms.

7. Environmental Wellness.  It’s about being appreciative of mother nature and aware of our interdependence with all things on this living earth.  It’s about maximizing harmony and minimizing harm to the planet.  Yes, it’s about thinking globally and acting locally.  Maintain a safe, clean, and beautiful home and work environment.  Practice the “3-Rs” of healthy consumerism – reduce, reuse, and recycle.

There you have it – 7 Ways of Living Well.  This isn’t another to-do list for you to be burdened by.  This is a list of values and priorities to set your compass by.  It’s a way-of-being list.  How do you want to be in this world?  “Be well, do well.”  With a wellness-centered view of your life – pausing to reflect on these 7 dimensions of wellness – you can then choose daily to-do items that enhance your energy and your joi de vivre.  Life is too short to do otherwise.  Carpe diem!

Practice these 7 habits of wellness in whatever way suits you.  Focus on one area, one step at a time – and take some mindful action that you’re ready, willing, and able to follow through with.  Fall off the wagon?  Just get up and get back on, and keep on going.

As a mentor of mine once said, “It doesn’t matter what you choose, as much as it matters that you choose.”  So choose some wellness area you care a lot about right now, and take that next step.  Just do it.  And enjoy it.  You – and your kids – deserve it!

It’s tax day – a day to pay our bills for the services that we as a society value the most and wish to receive.

I mean, we elect the public servants that we think will best represent our interests in balancing private rights and public needs.  We ask our elected leaders to use our resources wisely to provide protection for our country, our workers, and our families.  We ask our representatives, which means we ask ourselves, to ensure a safety net for those most needy – recognizing that we’re all in this together, yet we all need to carry our own weight as best we can.

Sure, we continuously debate where to draw that line – and we should – about how to balance personal rights and freedoms with personal responsibilities to one another.  But lets’ not forget, in a democracy, we make the rules, and then we need to live by them.  And we reap what we sow.  If we think there’s a problem, we need to be a part of the solution.  Or not.

But wouldn’t it be better for all of us if that’s what we did.  See a problem, focus on the solution.  Not just keep complaining and blaming.

No one political party or person has all the right answers.  And just like in families, we can only hope to get better if we realize that.  We can only move forward to the degree that we seek an honest understanding of the problem from all points of view, agree to collaborate and compromise to find viable solutions that serve the greater good, and then act with integrity in ways that are aligned with our values and goals.

Right now we’re going through a very difficult time in our country.  We’re having to pay, literally, for years of short-sightedness, selfishness, greed, and honest mistakes.  We can say it’s not fair, even parrot our teens and say it sucks.  But what we can’t keep doing is expect public services and not expect to have to pay for them.  That’s insane!

Now more than ever, nationally and locally, we are in a fierce debate about cutting back support of public education.  Our local school board meetings are filled with angst and anxiety over where to cut programs and personnel and/or how to appropriately raise funds (yes, that means the dirtiest word in the English language- taxes) to pay for them.

Our friends and neighbors and colleagues are stepping up to the school board meeting microphones with their heartfelt stories of what they want to happen or not happen, and why.  Many good points are made on the many sides of the issue.  Yet, if we don’t meet in the middle somewhere, find the common ground and common sense solutions, then we’ll continue to be torn apart, socially and psychologically, as well as financially.

And who will suffer the most?  The ones with the least say in this process.  Our children.

And believe me, when our children suffer, when they are disenfranchised and disillusioned, when they no longer believe in the value of getting a good education, let alone no longer enjoy the process of learning (don’t get me started!), we are all going to suffer.  Greatly.

I don’t pretend to have the definitive answers.  But I do know and believe with all my heart that we must protect and encourage and enrich the lives of our children with a committed effort to quality education.  Life is all about learning and growth.  Continually.  Let’s not stay trapped in old ways of thinking, or old institutions that support that old way of thinking.

At the macro level, the winds of massive social and economic climate change are upon us.  At the micro level, the exploding field of developmental neuroscience is clear.  Kids brains and minds, their attention and motivation, their reasoning and emotions and relationships are all significantly different than they were a generation ago.  They need guided opportunities for stimulation and movement and engagement and autonomy and creativity and collaboration and reflection and critical discernment.

Those are the skills they’ll need to survive, let alone thrive, in their lifetimes.  It’s not about passively absorbing and regurgitating knowledge; it’s about how to actively problem-solve – using internal and external resources to access information, critically evaluate it, integrate it, and apply it to create pragmatic solutions that work for themselves and those around them.

What hasn’t changed is the need for kids to grow up guided by loving, nurturing and limit-setting caregivers – at home and school.  But the ways that kids are encouraged and challenged and disciplined – the ways they are EDUCATED about life – has got to change with the times.  Or not.

I only pray that we do change and grow, along with our children, not against them.

(For a fascinating introduction to some of the revolutionary educational challenges and changes that are upon us, let me share with you this powerful presentation by Sir Ken Robinson:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZFcDGpL4U .)

We do have choices.  We can act out of fear and anxiety, or faith and enlightenment, coupled with reason and resolve.  We can get through this best if we really listen and learn, think and reflect, then open our mouths with constructive solutions, not just bitter complaints.

And we’ll have to pay for those solutions, one way or another.  Cliché or not, children are our investment in the future.  Let’s invest wisely.

Nearly every parent of school-age kids nowadays feels they’re busy.  This world pushes information and demands on you 24/7 and pulls you in umpteen different directions.

But how busy is too busy?  How would you know?  Are you living a fulfilling life or an overly full one?  Take this quick quiz to see what your Parent Wellness Quotient is (PWQ).

On a Scale from 1 (Not At All True) to 10 (Totally True) rate yourself on the following parenting skills.  Remember, be true to yourself – the only right answers are honest ones!  Write down your number ratings as you go, then add up your Total Score at the end.

1. I’m aware of my family’s strengths, struggles, needs, and goals.  I keep a “big picture perspective” about my life that brings me peace and clarity.

2. I live each day putting my priorities first, with plenty of time for what matters most.

3. I feel fully energized in body, mind, and spirit.

4. My child and I openly communicate about our thoughts and feelings with each other.

5. My child and I regularly share fun experiences – enjoying daily routines and family traditions together.

6. My child and I often participate in community organizations or events together that reflect our shared values.

7. I provide clear, realistic expectations for behavior, and my child regularly meets those expectations, without argument or attitude.

8. I mostly focus on what my child is doing well, rather than what he or she is doing wrong.  My child hears far more positive comments from me than negative.

9. I consistently follow through with effective consequences that get my child to listen and cooperate, both respectfully and responsibly.

10. I know my child and I are deserving of support from others.  We’re getting the help we need to ensure we’re thriving, not just surviving.

MY PWQ (Total Score) =        .

Now, some fun food for thought – check out your score compared to many of the families I work with, and see if this sounds familiar….  (NOTE: this is not a scientifically validated assessment instrument.  It’s simply some guidelines that the parents I coach have found meaningful and useful.)

If your Total Score is 80-100, you’re doing amazing!  You are generally happy and satisfied with your family life.  For the most part, you’re taking care of yourself and your kids in ways that are highly rewarding.  You still see some areas you want to improve, or wish you could do more consistently and easily.

If your Total Score is 60-79, you’re like many busy parents – doing well in some areas and not so well in others.  You appreciate the gifts of your children, and have wonderful moments with them, but wish you could have more of the good stuff, with a lot less of the hassles.  You still feel frustrated and stressed too often, and want to find ways to be happier and get along better with your kids.

If your Total Score is 30-59, you’re feeling too busy and too stressed right now.  You love and care about your kids, but find parenting extremely draining these days.  Your children too often back-talk, argue, or ignore you.  You don’t have the fun together and closeness you used to.  And you can’t find nearly enough “me time” to recharge your batteries.  You need help rediscovering the strengths you and your kids have buried inside, under all the busyness and stress.

If your Total Score is 10-29, you’re struggling and in a lot of pain right now.  You’re feeling way more angry, anxious, or depressed than you want to be.  Both you and your children are suffering from daily fights and frustrations, and you’re overwhelmed with stress.  You and your kids probably need professional therapeutic help right away to get back on track – to get where you want to be and deserve to be.

If you’re a busy parent with a PWQ in the 30 to 80 range, and you’re eager to find more ways to be happier and get along better with your kids, then you may want to participate in an exciting new parenting program – the “Timechoicing for Busy Parents” Bootcamp.

This intensive 6-week parent coaching program guides you through a step-by-step system that gives you more Time Off to recharge your batteries, more Time In to reconnect with your family, and more Time Out to resolve parent-child conflicts.

If that sounds good to you, read more about it below (and pay special attention to the scholarship offers), or check it out now at www.timechoicing.com/bootcamp.

“How do I know if he’s capable or not…?  Is it that she can’t do it, or just won’t…?  What should I expect?”

Parents I coach agonize over how much is too much to expect from their child, whether they’re adding too much stress to their child’s life, or selling them short and letting them get away with too much.  How do you know where to “set the bar” for your child?

Take into consideration these 3 factors:  your child’s stage of developmental (what’s typical for that age?), your child’s temperament (degree of sensitivity, reactivity, intensity), and your child’s environment (surrounding people and situations, amount of supports and stressors).

Start with what you notice most kids his or her age are doing, but don’t get stuck there with a whole lot of SHOULDs.  Children vary in their rates of maturity, and you need to make realistic adjustments to what fits for your child’s temperament – perhaps altering the pace, tone, volume, or amount of demands at any one time.  And you may need to make allowances for the situational stressors or demands that your family is facing at any given time.

Now, it’s important not to just flop around with inconsistent expectations and blame it on changing environmental circumstances.  Start with your values and what you expect your child to adhere to.  For example: listen the first time you ask him to do something, use manners when asking for something, share with her siblings, use words not hands when he’s angry, etc.

If you need to make an adjustment for temperament or environment, do so thoughtfully and proactively, not helter-skelter and reactively.  Take the time to be mindful about what expectations best fit for your child right now.  Set the bar at a level he COULD realistically jump over, not just where you think he SHOULD be able to.  And be clear about it to your child ahead of time.

If you really want your child to listen better, you first need to know that he really understands what is expected.  So make sure you’re using these S.M.A.R.T. expectations.

1. Specific – Describe a specific behavior, not a vague trait.  Don’t say, “Be more responsible.”  Do say, “Remember to hang up your coat and backpack when you get home (before TV goes on).

2. Measurable – Use behaviors you can track, not be clueless about your criteria.  Don’t say, “Clean up this mess.”  Do say, “You need to put all the clothes in the hamper and toys on the shelf.”

3. Acceptable – Focus on the positive “DO” behaviors, not the “DON’T!” behaviors.  Don’t say, “Stop whining.”  Do say, “I can’t hear you. Try again with your big boy (cool dude?!) voice.”

4. Realistic – Be sure your child realistically could do it (consistently and independently), not should be able to do it.  Don’t say, “Be all ready to go in 10 minutes.”  Do say, “See if you can put on your shirt, pants, and socks before the timer goes off, and then I’ll help you put on your shoes.”

5. Timely – Set a specific deadline, not whenever or right away.  Don’t say, “Stop arguing and just get it done!”  Do say, “I know it feels hard.  You still need to stop arguing and put it all away by the time I come back in 3 minutes.  I know you can do it.  Ready, go!”

When thinking about setting your children up for success, spend a little bit of time mindfully choosing what you really want out of your kids, and then gracefully explaining it to them.  Work SMARTer, not harder, to get along better.

A recent article in the magazine “Real Simple” (January 2011) summarized some of the recent research on how you can be happier throughout the year.  Happiness is a big topic these days, one we care a lot about as a counterpoint to all the stress and worries of modern living.  So, what does make you – and your children – happy?

The folks at “Real Simple” conducted a survey, and displayed the results in a word cloud with the most frequent answers showing up in larger print.  Guess which single word dominates the middle of the graphic display in giant letters?

Family.

Odds are, your answer had something to do with this too, yes?

For the record, the next tier of most important things that make their readers happy included love, peace, and laughter, home, children and grandchildren, along with beach, sunshine, and chocolate!

Other research studies in the exploding field of positive psychology have likewise found that one of the most important determinants of personal happiness is the quality of our relationships.  It’s not about money, or work (though job satisfaction is important too), or having “stuff.”  It’s about family and friends.

Of course we care about our family and friends, and yet we often neglect to share the gift of loving, laughing time (along with sunshine and chocolate, apparently!) with them.  We race through the day with “too many other things to do” and complain that there’s “not enough time” to just hang out and have fun.

Well, guess what, having fun and being happy actually produces lots of other gains that are worth your consideration – including stronger immune systems, more satisfied marriages, greater work productivity, and more charitable contributions to society.  So, if you think having some fun time is selfish or silly, think again. 

Happiness is the cornerstone of well-being that produces a positive ripple effect that can only benefit your children, your community, and yes, humanity.  (Why do you think our founding American fathers considered the pursuit of happiness as one of the fundamental human rights?)

About 50% of one’s happiness, like many other temperamental characteristics, appears to be genetically determined or hard-wired.  Another 10% is due to environmental circumstances.  That leaves 40% up to you to shape.  How you think and behave – the choices you make – will go a long way to adding to (or subtracting from) you happiness.

And since we know that FAMILY is one of the most powerful factors in happiness, it makes sense to focus on what you can do today and tomorrow and the next day to improve those family relationships.  When you enjoy your kids and family more, you’ll experience more happiness, which will lead to more enjoyable family time, and so on – creating a positive snowball effect.

So, here’s 3 simple tips that can improve your happiness:

1. Repeat behaviors that have made you happy in the past.  Duh!  Think about one of the most fun family times you can remember with your kids.  Where were you, and what were you doing?  Okay, if it included Disney World, you maybe can’t repeat that everyday, so what about a simpler, fun laughing time you shared at home.  Or a comfortable, contented time you shared?  Remember the warm feeling in your gut, the utter joy in heart, as you just enjoyed this fun time with your gang?  Well, do it some more.

2. Immerse yourself in the moment.  Make sure whatever you’re doing, you’re fully engaged in it.  If you’ve chosen to have some “down time” or “family time”, focus on that activity, those people, only during that time.  Yeah, that means cell phones off, no distractions, no multitasking, no worrying about the work you (or your kids) still have to do.  For that time, allow yourself to be fully present and immersed in the fun.

3. Do something that serves a larger purpose.  Believe it or not, that old saying “giving is better than receiving” really does have some merit.  Studies show that when we feel we are contributing to the well-being of others, it has a positive side-effect of increasing our happiness and sense of satisfaction.  So, what are you and your kids doing that feels like you’re contributing some value to others.  When you engage in charity, service, or community events together, with the intention of contributing in some small way to others’ happiness, you’ll find that gift returns to you in the form of unaccounted blessings.

Now, if you’re feeling like this all sounds great, but you still don’t have the time for it – you don’t see how you could really follow through with some of these ideas – then do yourself a big favor.  Go to www.timechoicing.com right now and sign up for my upcoming teleseminar for busy parents.  You’ll get the help you need to stop stressing and start enjoying your life (and kids) again.

Why bother?  Because your happiness and your children’s happiness are worth it.  Aren’t they?

Parenting classes often focus on how parents can better understand their child’s development and behaviors, and how to develop parenting skills that are mostly about behavior management strategies.  These are certainly necessary for effective parenting, but they are not sufficient.  There is one key ingredient missing.

In fact, without this important prerequisite, all the parent education in the world that focuses on setting realistic expectations and using effective consequences is a waste of time and money.

What’s this one key ingredient?  Self-care for the caregiver.  If you’re feeling stressed out, pissed off, dumped on, or burnt out, then you can’t use any of the other parenting skills.  You may want to, but you just can’t sustain effective, loving nurturance and limits if you’re not fully recharged first.  You can’t give your child your best if your not at your best.  And your child can’t respond very well to even your best parenting, if he or she hasn’t taken time to de-stress and re-energize as well.

So, how do you (and your child) recharge your batteries and keep them positively charged?  How can you share your best selves with each other during family time together, rather than saving all your leftover stress and resentments of the day and taking it out on one another with garbage behaviors that leave you feeling more drained and guilty and bitter?

Modern neuroscience is confirming what many peaceful, patient souls have known for centuries: moments of mindfulness, practiced regularly, can go a long way to relieving stress and promoting happiness.

What is mindfulness?  Some parents are concerned it’s some new-age fad, or some religious cult.  It’s neither.  It’s simply a way of being fully present in the moment, without a lot of distracting, self-defeating thoughts, without the nagging worries and judgments that sap our joy, without the struggle to resist or grasp for things beyond our control.  It’s about being aware of what is happening in the moment, right now, and accepting that, then making a conscious choice for how to respond in a loving, compassionate way, rather than automatically reacting in some mindless, often angry or anxious, way.

How do you develop a habit of mindfulness?  Like anything else, with practice.  Patient, persistent practice.  There are many ways of developing mindfulness.  Here’s one tip  that you can start with to help you develop more peaceful, mindful ways of relieving stress in your daily life – called mindful attention.

Spend a few minutes, right now, just paying attention to the sounds in your environment.  What do you hear?  Listen some more, what else do you hear?  Nearby voices or music?  Distant traffic?  Wind blowing?  The buzz of electronica?  A sudden bird chirp or siren or rattling furnace?  Your breath?  Your heartbeat.  Shhhh.  Just listen.  Focus on hearing whatever is surrounding you, and just take it in.  Don’t judge it, or yourself.  Just enjoy the sensations and the awakening realization that you’re surrounded by many different sounds at any given time.  They’re happening whether you’re aware of them or not, whether you approve of them or not.  Now, you’re just paying attention to them.   And appreciating them.

Or you could do this with sights – what do you see, when you focus just on the things before you?  Focus and see things for what they are, just as they are, in this moment in time.  Not how they were yesterday, or a minute age, not how they’ll be next month, or how they should be.  Just how they are. Or do this with the sense of smell or taste.  Enjoy experiencing your senses in the here and now.

Notice that when you’re paying attention to just these senses, worries fade away.  Or maybe a distracting thought pops up, and you recognize it, but you don’t become controlled by it.  You acknowledge it, and let it go.  You return to your focus on the senses, gently and directly.  A few minutes of this, several times a day, can release built up tensions and rejuvenate your soul.  Outside in nature is particularly refreshing, but not necessary.  You can do this whenever, wherever you are.  Just pay attention to what is here, now.  Observe it, appreciate it, and let it go.  And move on to the next thing.

There are many things in our hectic, crazy worlds we can’t control.  One of the few things we can control is our minds – what we pay attention to and what we think and feel.  We have many choices, and we can go about mindlessly reacting to the world that we see as doing things TO us.  Or we can mindfully attend to what is happening, accept it, and choice to respond to it with lovingkindness.  This doesn’t mean we have to like or approve of everything – our child’s whining or defiant behaviors, for example.  It just means, we can choose to respond more compassionately – to our kids and our selves – when we come from a place of mindful appreciation and peace, first.

Then we can put those other parenting skills to good use, guiding our children to make more respectful, prosocial, healthy choices for themselves as well.