“Things are going to be different this school year! 
We’re going to __________________________________.”

How would you fill in the blank?  What do you really want for your child this school year?  Better grades, more friends, less homework hassles?  Being more organized, less stressed?  More peaceful and productive?  How so – what will that look like exactly? 

How do you define success for each of your kids?  How do they?

To find out, schedule a breakfast or lunch meeting with each of your children this week.   Take each kiddo out for a fun meal or make one at home.  While enjoying your meal together, discuss what the top priorities might be, and why. 

Brainstorm and make a list together, consciously considering why and how each item would make the list.  Be specific and realistic about your expectations.  And respectfully listen to your child’s thoughts and feelings as well.  This is a great opportunity to show compassionate understanding with your child, before everyone is fully back running on the treadmill of life.

Be mindful of having an honest and open dialogue with your child.  No monologues or lectures.  Discuss both hopes and fears.  Help your child accept his/her strengths and areas of difficulty – recognizing that we all have both. 

Select no more than 3 of the most important ones, based on your values and principles, as well as your child’s needs and well-being.  Agree to focus on these 3 goals every day in a positive way.  What types of affirmations or words of encouragement could you offer your child each morning that will grow these target goals into healthy habits?

Keep track of progress with a simple chart or journal, observing what’s working and what’s not.  Meet weekly with your child (fun meal or snacks date again!) to review progress.  Join each other again in conscious, compassionate problem-solving for how to take the next step towards realizing those goals.

And above all, enjoy the journey.  You won’t pass this way again.

Two moments of awareness today that I want to share with you.

First, as I was reading a magazine at breakfast this morning, I came across a full page ad for the Fresh Air Fund – showing two kids playing in the ocean surf.  The words across the top of the page spoke to me – perhaps because I’m being extra sentimental around my upcoming 50th birthday.

THE ONLY THING MORE FLEETING THAN SUMMER IS…  Childhood.

Hmmm, how true I thought.  How precious those moments.  Both mine.  And my children’s.

Then, on the car radio this morning (KLOVE), the DJs were encouraging listeners to submit their best parenting advice for the show’s producer – who is about to be a first-time dad.

They read their favorite tip from one listener, Gail, who posted this on their blog site:

If I had only one point to get across on parenting it would be to never rush through your child’s life.  We have a tendency to think are they ever going to hold their bottle, are they ever going to walk, are they ever going to talk or feed themselves or get potty trained.  Life with your child is so short, enjoy every minute of it that you can.  Make up your mind that it’s okay if your child is not on the same schedule as everyone else’s and love that child through every milestone. Make time to play. You can’t get back time.

Wow!  Now that just may be the best parenting tip this parenting coach and proud papa has heard in a long time.  And completely consistent with my upcoming Timechoicing Family Wellness Programs this fall.  It is SO important to remain as awake and mindful as possible, to appreciate the gifts of childhood given to us – even the ugly, struggling ones that have much to teach us.

So, how about you?

If you had one idea, one key bit of advice to give a parent today, what would it be?

Please share your thoughts directly to me at Support@KidstepCoaching.com and I’ll gladly share them with our readers in upcoming issues.  Or add your comments below.

And may you continue to enjoy the fleeting moments of summer, and childhood, that are given to you each day.

Just yesterday at our clinic, I spoke with three families who were distraught about nothing more and nothing less than the pace of their lives.  Let me tell you about it.

First scenario.  There was the mother of a 15 year old girl who had come to us recently, very concerned about her daughter’s increasingly belligerent, moody, and withdrawn behaviors.  She felt it was very important to get her into counseling as soon as possible, because the girl rarely spoke in the home, except to blow up at her parents at random, then retreat into her room, headphones, and computer for hours and refuse to come out.  Recently they had discovered some very disturbing information about their daughter and her friends on Facebook. 

We had given the mother some times for the next week to bring her daughter in for an appointment.  She consulted three different calendars, one for each child, fretted about how she didn’t know if she could make it to those appointment times because this child had volleyball and that child had to be driven to soccer camp and the other had youth group and so on.  She left the office saying she’d check on some things and call back.

A week later, those appointment times had come and gone, and we hadn’t heard from this family – until yesterday.  The mother called in, saying she was still quite worried about her daughter, and wanting that same appointment time for next week.  I politely informed her that that time wasn’t available next week, it had only been available this past week.  She became irate, and berated me on the phone because now she would have to go back and look at all her calendars all over again, and she didn’t know how she was ever going to fit these “very important” counseling sessions into their family’s busy schedule.  After being offered several new times, she angrily said she’d get back to us as soon as she figured some things out, and hung up in a huff.

Hmmm, what’s wrong with this picture…?

Second scenario.  I met with a polite and generally affable 12 year-old-boy who slumped back into his chair, looking as forlorn as you can imagine.  He had just started coming in at the end of the school year for attention and organization difficulties, needing some help keeping up with the increasing demands of middle school.  Now school had just ended, and it was the first week of summer vacation, and he was looking more depressed than ever.

“How you doing?” I asked.  “Well, okay, I guess,” he replied with a sigh that would make Eeyore proud. “What’s the matter?” I persisted, using my most brilliant therapeutic skills to deduce that something was wrong.

“Well, it’s just that today I had band camp in the morning, and then I had to come here, and then I have drum lessons next, and then some physical fitness thing at the Y, and then I have to go to a boy scout meeting tonight.  And I was hoping to just chill out a bit this summer.”  Tears welled up in his eyes as he slumped back into the chair even further, looking defeated and hopeless.

Third scenario.  I was coaching two very intelligent professionals who are kind and caring parents.  We have been working on how to manage the impulsive and defiant behaviors of their 6-year-old adopted son.  The mother was spending the summer at home with their two children, intent on giving them the loving attention and support they felt they needed. 

After the first week of summer, this mother was already feeling overwhelmed, because she had managed to take them to a number of enriching, fun, and social activities throughout the first week, but now was at a loss for how to keep the kids productively entertained for the next week, and for 8 more weeks after that.

When I helped her see the value of unscheduled time, the critical importance, in fact, of having “down time” for both kids and parents to relax and recharge their batteries, this mother literally broke down in tears of relief.  She had been feeling such pressure, insidious and subtle, to keep up with all the other mothers who seemed to have such full and happy lives and such wonderful children.

As we talked more, it became clear that both mom and dad were swept up in unspoken worries about their children keeping up with the other kids in this relatively well-off neighborhood and school district.  They only wanted the best for their kids, to make sure they wouldn’t be left behind, academically or socially, athletically or artistically.

Like all caring parents, they wanted to know that their kids were going to be alright, that they’d grow up to be happy, healthy, and productive members of society, and that they, as parents, had done everything possible for their kids.  They didn’t want to feel guilty that they hadn’t given their kids the best shot at life.

When I reassured them that the need for unscheduled, free-play time was just as critical to their child’s development as anything else they might do, they felt an intense release.

Of course, the key is “all things in moderation.”  We don’t want kids who are 24/7 couch potatoes, and we don’t want overscheduled walking-zombies either.

I came home from work yesterday after these three encounters all fired up.  This has been making me crazy for a while now, and I can’t take it anymore.  None of us can, or should!  All the pressures to go, go, go are taking a terrible toll on our emotional well-being, our family relationships, and our kids’ mental health.  It’s just not right.

So I introduce to you today a new word for a critically important concept – the opposite of mindlessly multi-tasking – is what I call timechoicing.

Timechoicing is the act of mindfully choosing how you will spend your time.  It’s the ability of humans to stop, take a deep breath, and make a conscious choice to do what is most important to their well-being.  – To act according to your highest values and principles.  To accept responsibility for how you, and your children, will invest your time today – each day – on healthy, life-fulfilling habits.  And yes, sometimes that means less is more.

How will you know what the right balance is for you and your children?  Take the simple gut-check test.  Are you feeling happy, enthusiastic, energized?  Focused and relaxed?  Or scattered, frustrated, overwhelmed, and exhausted?  How about your child?  Are your daily interactions filled with more playful laughter and acts of loving kindness or more bitter bickering and acts of defiance or disrespect or disregard.

Add or subtract activities to your daily life – varying the quantity and quality – until you have the right mix that works for your kids, your family, your lifestyle.  Stop and think about what relaxes you and energizes you, and make the conscious choice to do more of those things.  Reflect on what frustrates or exhausts you, and consciously choose to change those things or expose yourself to less of them.  Ditto for your kids.

Of course, you may need help shedding old unhealthy habits and growing new healthy habits.  If so, go get yourself a really good family wellness coach and get to it.  (I know someone who’d be glad to help!)

It’s not that you don’t have the time, it’s that you’re not choosing to spend your time on what you say matters most.  Take charge, and make sure you’re timechoicing in a way that serves you and your children best.

Relax and enjoy the days of summer.  Yes, you can.  Will you?

I went outside yesterday morning to take our daughter to the bus and stopped dead in my tracks.  “Ahhhh.  Feel that?” I asked Hannah.  “Do you feel that?  That’s what Spring feels like!” 

It was a glorious, crisp morning with the sun coming up over the mountains spraying our lush green fields and woods with sparkling orange and yellow highlights.  Brilliant blue skies with scattered wisps of white cotton provided a carefree canopy overhead.  The air was freshly cleansed from the previous night’s thundershowers, and the sweet smell of lilacs and honeysuckle tickled our noses.

“Look around and take in this beautiful day that we’ve been given,” I encouraged my little girl, as she probably rolled her eyes behind me.  “And listen.”  We stood still, taking in the day through all our senses for just minute, and listened to two, then three, then four different song birds fill the air with their mating melodies.  Ahh, “It’s May, it’s May, the lusty month of May!” I thought, smiling to myself as the tune from a long-cherished performance of Camelot echoed in my mind.

Two frolicking squirrels chased each other across the lawn.  A family of deer grazed casually in our western field.  And bees literally buzzed about the blossoms of our walnut trees.  The cool morning air and warm glowing sunshine took turns kissing my cheeks, and I deeply inhaled the sweetness of it all.

Moments like these bring me such joy and peace.  They give me the strength to dive back in to the white-water rapids of the daily stream of life. 

I gave a brief prayer of thanks, and one of hope that little Hannah would really remember this morning.  Hoping that she would be graced with many such memories of a sweet-smelling, peaceful, and loving home that was simply there, always there, around her. 

Then off we went, back into the bustling activities of a busy family – enjoying the rest of the season’s treats.  This week has included Kevin’s high school prom and the end of his baseball season, more of Hannah’s little league games (where the pure joy of getting safely to first base can still make your day complete!), and Sarah’s return home from college final exams.  We can’t wait to visit our oldest daughter Jen and her vibrant new life in New York City next weekend.

Meanwhile, today is our son’s 17th birthday, and tonight we head to Virginia for his weekend AAU basketball tournament.  But first, we’ll cheer Hannah and her classmates on at their annual elementary school track and field day.  She’s very excited (probably far more so than during yesterday’s bird singing extravaganza), because the highlight of the day will be who gets bragging rights from each grade’s old-fashion tug-of-war contest. 

The second grade finale features Mrs. Glossner’s class (with Hannah) versus Mrs. Smith’s class.  Hannah and her girlfriends have concocted a secret plan to victory – and she’s been practicing all last night and this morning.  See, just as they begin, the girls are going to start singing Taylor Swift’s hit “You Belong With Me” while they heave-ho.  They figure the boys on the other team will be so shocked and distracted, and maybe even cover their ears, that their team will quickly pull them all over to win the day! 

Hope springs eternal, as they say.  And I hope you enjoy yours with your children.

Food.  Sex.  Sleep.  That about covers it.  Need anything else to satisfy your deepest longings? 

All animals, including we humans, share in these basic drives.  The drive to survive.  But beyond these basics, what else drives us as human beings?  What motivates us to behave the way we do?  And more often on the minds of parents and teachers nowadays, what on earth will motivate these kids?

Daniel Pink has an eye-opening new book out about this topic, titled DRIVE – The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.  He draws heavily on the pioneering works of psychologists Carolyn Dweck and Edward Deci – furthering our understanding of intrinsic motivation.

Huh?  Well, there’s extrinsic motivation – doing something at someone else’s urging and for some external reward – studying to get a good grade to earn $5 from dad.  And there’s intrinsic motivation – doing something because it is interesting to you, the process is stimulating and engaging, and it feels good inside as we rise to the challenge.

Which would we rather see develop in heavy doses in our children?  Which do we see most heavily relied on in today’s classrooms and even some living rooms?

Pink neatly summarizes the scientific body of work that helps us realize that beyond the basic biological drives, we have three innate psychological drives – for autonomy, mastery, and purpose or meaning.  Our well-being and life satisfaction are heavily influenced by how much we feel we have choices, how much we feel competent and capable, and how much our contributions have some meaningful connection to others and the greater good.

When kids work because they’re ordered to by adults, when they have to keep working on things they’re not good at, when they have to do busy-work that doesn’t have any relevant meaning in their lives, then what might we expect?  We can expect to see decreased productivity, compliance, enthusiasm, and motivation to do that work.

What to do instead?  Whenever possible, ask yourself these three questions and apply them before requiring your child or student to perform work:

1. Am I offering the child any autonomy over how and when to do this work?  Remember to offer a “Choice Within Limits.”  Your bottom line sets the limit – as in, you expect your child to complete his homework tonight, yet he can choose to do it before or after dinner, in the kitchen or bedroom, etc. (as long as we see that the work gets done that way!).  Give your child some “little say” so they have some investment or ownership in getting the job done in a way that works best for them.

2. Does this assignment promote mastery by offering a novel, engaging task?  Think of ways the task can engage the child’s natural strengths, interests, or affinities.  Provide variety and encourage creativity.  Be sure to praise the child’s efforts and persistence, more than the outcome or product (more on this another day).

3. Does the child understand the purpose of the assignment?  Can they see how this activity contributes to the greater good at home, school, or in the world?  After giving a request or command, remember to ask your child “What do you need to do? And Why?!”  Take the extra minute to make sure they understand the instructions and the point of it all.  If you’re not clear on the point yourself, why would you expect your child to be motivated to do something that is pointless?! 

Use these opportunities to discuss with your children your values, what is important and meaningful in your family or classroom, and how your child can and will be a big part of that!  Also ask them what’s important to them, and how this work can be connected to that.

Remember to be calm and firm, or better yet, encouraging and enthusiastic.  The more you show intrinsic motivation, engagement, and positive energy in a goal or task, the more likely your children will too.

“Teaching Kids Respect – Part 1: Mindfulness”

By Dr. Peter Montminy

mindfulness (n.) the trait of staying aware of, or paying close attention to, your responsibilities; a mental state of calm, enhanced awareness.

respect (v.) to honor or revere; to have a good opinion of someone, and to avoid doing anything they would dislike or regard as wrong.

Many parents and teachers today complain about kids showing so little respect – to adults, to siblings and peers, and even to themselves.  Why is this?

As usual, lots of reasons, but let’s look at a few major factors.  Kids are exposed to grown up activities, language, and attitudes at younger ages, and feel entitled to “get their due” as mini-adults.  There’s been a generation of parenting more concerned with inflating a child’s self-esteem than with instilling self-discipline.  And the ever-present electronic media spreads all sorts of toxic messages like wildfire across the social landscape of kids.  They are increasingly immersed in a commercial and entertainment driven culture where conflict and crassness sells more than civility and caring.

So, what’s a conscious, caring parent to do?!  Two part answer: First, focus on the inside, your own mindset, and cultivate mental habits that will bring forth more respectful and loving parenting practices.  Second, focus on the outside, the actual interactions you have with your children.  Be conscious of your inner thoughts and your outward actions with your kids, and this will lead you all to a path of more respectful relationships.

Of course, the bottom line is you have to give respect to get respect.  So let’s explore some practical ways to do that.  I’ve developed the TOP 12 TIPS for TEACHING KIDS RESPECT based on over 20 years of clinical practice with many distressed families.  Let’s look at the first 6 tips, focusing on mental mindset, today (and the remaining 6 tips, focusing on conscious actions, next week).

Tip #1:  AWARENESS – Be aware of individual differences.  Recognize that all kids – and parents! – have unique personality styles, strengths, and needs.  Be keenly aware of your child’s temperament (high activity or low, slow or quick to warm up to others, flexible or rigid, intuitive or methodical, impulsive or inhibited, highly sensitive or not, high or low frustration tolerance, auditory or visual learner, etc.) – and yours.  Think “How are we the same?  How are we different?” and “So what?”

Appreciate diversity, and don’t expect your kids to deal with life the same way you do, or even the same as their brothers or sisters.  When you keep this in mind, you can more easily find the energy to adapt your parenting style to meet your child’s needs in the most constructive way.  That is, you’ll be better able to get through to your child and help them develop the respectful behaviors you want them to.

Tip #2:  ATTRIBUTIONS – Understand what the major factors are that contribute to your child’s functioning.  Remember there is rarely a single cause of your child’s behavior.  There is no “silver bullet” or “magic solution” that will cure disrespect.  But if you’re paying attention to what the major causes are, and how they interact, you can better guide your child’s emotional and moral development.

The major factors to consider include 1) personal characteristics (biological temperament and psychological “thoughts and feelings” filters), 2) interpersonal interactions (the expectations and consequences you apply to your kids, and how you communicate them), and 3) the environmental circumstances (the stressors and supports that surround the family). 

When considering why your child is behaving that way, keep in mind these factors, and have them lead you to more practical solutions for improving your child’s behaviors.

Tip #3:  ACCEPTANCE – Accept the current reality, and stay focused on what you can control or change.  Recognize that in any situation, there are things you can control and things you can’t.  Accept your limitations, rather than worrying about those things you can’t really do much about, and this will free up your energy to focus on more constructive solutions.

Remember, what you focus on, grows!  Focus your energy, thoughts, conversations, and efforts on what you can control.  Think “Here’s something I can do about it now.”

Tip #4: ATTITUDE – Live each day with a positive, loving attitude and lots of positive energy.  If you don’t fill up your spiritual, mental, and physical gas tanks, you’re running on empty and unable to give your kids the good, positive parenting that will yield the results you want.  Remember, you reap what you sow. 

So, commit to at least 30-minutes a day for self-care and rejuvenation.  That’s only 3 hours out of 168 hours in a week.  The rest of the world will keep functioning, and everyone else’s needs can get met, in the other 165, honest!  Make a conscious choice about caring for yourself first, so you can have more of the positive energy you and your kids deserve.

Tip #5: ATTENTION – Pay attention to building your child’s self-discipline and self-respect, not just self-esteem.  As Jill Rigby points out in her book “Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World” this is an important distinction.  When we worry too much about building up our child’s self-esteem, we often inadvertently give a child a false sense of their own importance and entitlement.

If you focus on developing self-respect instead of self-esteem in your child, you’ll find that you’re dealing with more gratitude than greed, more humility than arrogance, more confidence than insecurity, more perseverance than futility, more contentment than discontentment, more others-centeredness than self-centeredness, and someone who is more well-mannered than ill-mannered

Tip #6: ACCOUNTABILITY – Be empathic to your children’s feelings AND still hold them firmly accountable for their behaviors.  I call this the “Goldilocks Parenting Rule.”  Not too hot, not too cool – not too hard, not too soft.  Always guide your child using a balance of compassionate understanding along with firm and fair expectations and consequences.

Next week, we’ll take a closer look at how to put those firm, fair expectations and consequences into action. 

Meanwhile, remember to remember these six mental mindset tips. 

Be mindful of your:
- Assumptions – Do I recognize and respect individual differences?
- Attributions – Do I know where my kid is coming from?
- Acceptance – Am I accepting reality and only focusing on what I can do?
- Attitude – Am I staying recharged with positive energy and optimism?
- Attention – Am I more focused on developing self-discipline or self-esteem?
- Accountability – Do I balance loving nurturance with firm limits?

Well, I’ve had enough.  The rats have won the race.  I give up.  It’s over.

You can’t ever do enough it seems.  You try to do the best you can, but it never feels good enough.  There’s always another item on the to do list – another 10 items, just for today.  Forget the 100 items on the master list that I’m supposed to keep for “brain dumping” to clear the mind.  Then there’s the Bucket List – those dreamy life aspirations that sound so good in a poetic or romantic moment – and make for great movies – but then just come back to haunt you – because, well, life just isn’t like the movies.  And you just can’t ever seem to get there. 

If I could just get this one thing out of the way, then I’ll be able to enjoy myself.  When the kids get into school, then I’ll have more time for those other things that I really care about.  When the kids get out of elementary school, they won’t need me as much, there won’t be so much PTA and Scoutmaster and AYSO coaching to do.  I’ll just get to sit on the sidelines of the game or in the audience of the play once in a while, then I’ll have lots more time for my other interests.  Oh, when they get out of high school, I won’t be running around to all these games and fundraisers and playing cab driver to a bunch of hormone-charged kids that want to go, go, go.  Then I’ll have time for myself.  My marriage.  My friends.

Oops. They’re gone.

My kids have grown up.  My wife and I have grown apart.  My friends have gone away.  My self is some vague stranger I once kinda liked and now don’t even know.

It’s over. I can’t continue the charade of being some super child psychologist and family coach, let alone father, husband, and friend.  It’s time to hang it up.  So, sorry gang, this will be my last article and the last “Kidstep Connections” newsletter.  There’s no energy, no fun, no point anymore.

APRIL FOOLS!  This could be my life – and at moments I’ve certainly felt some of these things.  I imagine we all have (please tell me it’s not just my imagination!).  But I can assure you, this is not what my life, personal or professional, is all about.  Thankfully, I have something much bigger that I feel a strong part of that keeps me going.  With humor and humility, and some days, even grace, I keeping on going.

The true meaning of Spring, and for some of us out there, of Easter, is that life is constantly renewing itself.  We will always have periods of cold and darkness.  Yet it will always be followed by warmth and light, if we stay open to that very possibility.

Remembering that “what you focus on, grows,” we must not allow ourselves to let small setbacks, honest mistakes, and moments of true pain blind us to our bigger truths.  Let’s not dwell on the imperfections of our lives, other than to acknowledge that they are a real part of who we are, and that’s okay.  We need not, and never can be, perfect in that artificial, superficial way our achievement-obsessed society has contrived.  And neither can our children. 

So let’s not be SO caught up in fulfilling our potential (or our children’s potential), that the quest becomes like the Myth of Sisyphus, pushing that giant rock of expectations up the hill over and over, only to despair as we watch it falter and roll back down, to begin the arduous climb once more.

Instead, let us focus on the joys and riches we – our selves, our spouses, our children, our friends, have to offer along the way.  Let’s see the true perfection and beauty of the diversity of talents, and shortcomings, that we all share. 

Parents, remember that your children are not all the same, and loving them equally does not mean they get the exact same thing from you all the time (a big source of sibling rivalry and parent angst).  Rather, let them always feel they are loved equally and fully, and that will mean they get different things from you at different times because they have different needs.

Teachers, remember that all your students are children, not robots, and so equal does not mean the same.  Fair is treating everyone with equal respect, which means doing whatever you can (and that includes accepting your own realistic limits) to guide each student in the way they can best learn and grow.

Spouses, those “opposites” in personality and style were part of the initial attraction that led you to fall head over heals.  Now, don’t let them be growing, poisonous irritants.  Keep respect in your heart, and find a way to recognize that you bring complimentary strengths to your partnership, not competitive ones.

I was guest lecturing for a Human Development class at Penn State the other day.  One of the students asked, “What is the most essential aspect to parenting?  What is the best piece of advice you would give to young parents?”  After a moment’s thought, my answer was blindingly clear to me. 

Borrowing one of my favorite quotes from Neal Donald Walsh, I said the key to good parenting is to always start with this: “WWLD – What Would Love Do?”  I’ve never met a parent who wakes up in the morning and says “I can’t wait to screw up my kid today!”  Every parent, in his or her best moment, loves their children and wants what’s best for them.  Yet the stresses or our daily lives and vulnerabilities in our personalities lead us to stray at times to be impatient or frustrated, to yell or insult or ignore.  Or to just plain miss an opportunity to nurture our children, to help them learn and grow from a life challenge. 

Yet, when we can take a deep breath, being fully conscious and present with our child, when we can mindfully remind ourselves, “What Would Love Do?”, we will invariably make the right move.  We will naturally, and whole-heartedly, give our children our best selves.  And that’s all any parent can do.

Now offering that bit of advice felt like some good Spring cleaning for my heart and soul.  The key, of course, is for me to go home and practice it with my family, in good faith, without undue pressure to be perfect.  How ‘bout you?

May we all enjoy the new warmth of the Spring sun, and what the budding blossoms are about to remind us.  Life keeps going.  Life really does keep growing, with love and abundance.  And so can we.

“My child is so bright, but he is so disorganized/inconsistent/unmotivated… How do I get him to perform up to his potential?”

This is a common refrain for parents and teachers of kids with Executive Function difficulties – again, kids with plenty of brain power, but their control panel freezes up or goes offline with maddening irregularity.

How do we get our “smart but scattered” kids through a day at home, school, and life?

Here’s four pathways to helping your child successfully live up to his or her potential.

1. Purpose. What does your child need to do to be successful? How are you defining success? How is the child defining success? What balance of work and play, productivity and playfulness, striving and relaxing, are you seeking? What’s the point?

Describe what your child fulfilling his/her potential looks like. How would you know? Says who? Be clear on what behavioral or academic or social outcomes you’re seeking. Be clear that this fits your child’s developmental, temperamental, and environmental circumstances. Be both idealistic and realistic!

A major league baseball pitcher pitches a perfect game (no hits, no walks) maybe once in his career (if he’s lucky), and we don’t expect him to pitch a perfect game every time out on the mound after that. We expect day to day variation in performance in sports – and no doubt in life.

Make sure your child shares your vision, values, and goals. Does he or she have a clear purpose in mind for how helping with family chores or actually doing the homework each night or controlling one’s temper is meaningful and desirable?

2. Passion. Getting the child to care about certain goals is more a matter of the heart – it’s what motivates the child and inspires him or her to pursue a certain path even when the going gets tough. The more passion a child has for a particular subject or relationship – the more they care about it – the easier it is to harness the energy to achieve the goal you’ve set out for.

So seek out the passions that your child has – their interests and affinities – and help your child develop them wherever possible. Music, sports, nature, animals, machines, electronics, numbers, words, pictures, mysteries, foreign lands, family traditions, basketweaving, bowling, or bowhunting – it doesn’t matter – what turns your kid on? Foster exploration and development of these natural interests, and incorporate them into school learning regularly.

Where the child has a natural passion or love for the topic, person, or situation, we can easily encourage growth in that area – relying more on intrinsic motivation. In important functional areas (certain academic or behavioral standards) that the child doesn’t have much natural interest in, then we may need to provide additional incentives. Simply put, pair the things your child doesn’t much care about with something he or she does care about.

And accept the reality that your child isn’t going to be passionate or productive, let alone perfect, in all areas all the time. Sounds silly when we say it like that, but catch yourself with the unrealistic assumptions you make sometimes.

3. Preparation. Before beginning a week, a day, or a task with your child, spend several minutes “huddling up” and planning it out. Talk about the top priorities, and specify a specific plan of action for how you and your child will achieve the desired goals. Having already reviewed purpose and passion – the what and why – we now focus on the how to accomplish what we most desire.

Brainstorm possible solutions for how to get where you want to go. Now is the time to include the child in contributing – having some choice – about how to accomplish the goal. If the expectation is that your child will do a half-hour of homework every night, then she can have some say about when and where she’ll do it, not whether she’ll do it!

Enumerate the action steps. Fancy word, just means put them down, in order, numbered – ideally no more than 3-5 steps. And answer these questions: who will do what, when, and where? More precisely, have your child be able to tell you the answer to these questions.

And if there are working memory problems (for you or your child!), make sure the action plan is in a visible, usable calendar or checklist.

4. Persistence. “Let’s try it and see.” Whatever the plan, make sure you all commit to following it for the next week. Then agree to sit down and evaluate how it’s going. Talk about what’s working, or not, and what needs to be tweaked. Make a new, adjusted plan, write it on a cheat sheet or to do list, and stay with that revised plan for another week.

Try it and see, again. But not with great angst and frustration or burdensome expectations. Approach the task as a great experiment. Frame it with your child along these lines: “We’re going to try homework this way for the next week, and see if it gets better, worse, or stays the same. What’s your prediction? Why? What do you want to do to make it more likely to be a success?” Okay, game’s on!

Try it and see, again. Be curious, patient, and persistent. Keep on going, no matter what. But do so mindfully, paying attention to what parts of this game plan are working well, and what parts aren’t. Get your child to join you in being an investigator – a scientist or journalist or spy – seeking the truth – the holy grail of solutions for that mysterious problem that hasn’t been solved yet.

Look at the challenging situation as a mountaintop that hasn’t been summitted yet, but is now within reach (even if the journey has included some backtracking, sidetrails, and occasional dead ends.) No giving up, until we reach the peak. We are intrepid explorers in life. Be playfully persistent. Whatever it takes. Never, ever give up.

All of these steps will lead your child to significant Progress, Not Perfection.

Let’s rejoice in the small, daily miracles. Acknowledge them. Appreciate them.

Catch your child making any small step in a better direction – picking up his clothes, starting her homework, remembering to ask politely for a favor or raising a hand to speak – and offer brief, heartfelt words of praise as soon as it occurs. Blow encouraging breathes of fresh air onto the tiny sparks of a child’s efforts in order to ignite the fires of success.

And recognize the truth in the old saying “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” May you and your child keep putting one step in front of the other, and keep getting closer to fulfilling your potential, while recognizing that perfection is neither desirable nor achievable. Being perfectly imperfect every day, perhaps you are already just exactly where you need to be. Enjoy the journey along the way.

It’s the holiday season and the end of the year.  A time for celebration and reflection.  Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa – celebrations all about bringing light and love back into the world.

In our house we enjoy many Christmas traditions, ones that strengthen our family bonds across the generations and across the miles.  Our children, some grown now and some still growing, all look forward to coming together every Christmas to repeat rituals that we’ve received from grandparents, that we’ve created ourselves over the years, and that we look forward to passing on to our grandchildren someday.

Christmas eve begins with the annual family photo in front of the tree before we head off to church services (where my wife takes her beautiful singing voice out of hiding to join in the Christmas Choir concert).  We come home to a fancy candle-lit dinner of seafood newburg and asparagus, before changing into comfy pajamas for our sacred bedtime routine.

The whole family piles onto the living room couch (increasingly challenging over the years!). Mom reads the kids the bible story of Jesus’s birth, and our youngest places the baby Jesus in the manger of the crèche scene.  Then Dad reads “Twas the Night Before Christmas” to the kids (just like my dad did every year), and we all hang our stockings over the fireplace.

The kids have written Santa a letter, and put it out with the milk and cookies, along with carrots for the reindeer.  (Morning will undoubtedly reveal missing carrots, an empty glass, and cookie crumbs – a sure sign that a certain gift-giving elf had indeed visited in the night.)  Then they head into bedrooms with closed doors for their own little sibling rituals that they’ve created on their own over the years, before drifting off to sleep.

Christmas morning begins with our four children on the stairwell, singing a hearty rendition of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas!” to awaken their bleary-eyed parents.  We join the kids and all head into the living room together to see if St. Nicholas has blessed the children with gifts for being “nice” this year.  They typically discover one unwrapped gift from Santa that they play with for a bit, before emptying their treat-filled stockings, then opening a few wrapped “Santa gifts” and enjoying those awhile.

We feast on a delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon, tangerines, and the holiday homemade breads from recipes handed down over several generations (date nut, cranberry, banana).  Then we go back into the living room to give each other family gifts – always giving from youngest to oldest (don’t ask me why!).  Finally, we open cards and packages from relatives and friends.

We savor each of these little rituals, taking most of the day, and staying in our pajamas the whole time – just playing and resting and snacking on treats.  No formal dinner, so Mom can enjoy the day with the kids without so much time in the kitchen.    As dusk arrives, I always take a couple-hour hike up and around our mountain woods – enjoying the gift of God’s natural world regardless of the weather.  Phone calls to family far away, and more enjoyment of new games, books, or movies complete the evening, before falling asleep by the fire listening to a special recording of Dylan Thomas’s “A Child’s Christmas in Wales” narrated by a favorite uncle.

Interestingly, the specific details seem to matter even more to our kids as they get older, wanting to keep a cherished portion of their childhood alive – living and breathing and continuing.  We all want to know that our family – with all its imperfections and struggles, still means something.  And that something is a sense of belonging.  It’s security and support, undying loyalty and acceptance – regardless of circumstances or dispositions.  It’s love, pure and simple.  And it endures.  Our holiday rituals help cement this important value into our hearts as well as our memory banks.

My holiday wish for you this year is to be mindful of your family traditions.  Enjoy and cherish them. Keep them alive – with a twist.  Be sure to incorporate change as part of your traditions, to allow room for your family to grow and breathe and thrive.  Perhaps consciously choose to do one little thing new or different each year, or make the conscious choice to accept a change that has been given to you.

Our children are precious gifts of love, and they will always continue to grow and change.  Just as we have left the nest of our parent’s homes, but have carried favorite traditions and fond memories with us, let us give that same gift to our children – with grace.  Let us rejoice both in keeping our family traditions alive, and in being alive to new opportunities for sweet, shared memories yet to come.

In so doing, we honor the true meaning of all the world’s religious and cultural practices this time of year – finding the light of love in the darkness of winter, and celebrating the gift of life prevailing.

The same way you can move from “stressed and surviving” to “thankful and thriving” the rest of the year, too – using my TIME OFF, TIME IN, and TIME OUT strategies!  Try using some of these tips from my “T3” Family Wellness Program:

Take TIME OFF to…

Regain Perspective.  Zoom out and look at the big picture.  What developmental stage is your child in?  Your family?  Dealing with your tot’s excitement and irritability, fears and fantasies, or your tween’s booming obsession with peer friendships and extracurricular activities, or your teen’s growing needs for independence and intimacy outside of the family?  Adjust your expectations for family fun to fit your child’s developmental needs.

What is your temperament or personality type?  Your child’s temperament?  Do you prefer more socializing and thrilling activities or calm and peaceful solitude during Christmas vacation?  Which activities do you find energy-gaining versus energy-draining?  Your child?  Adjust accordingly.

And what are the environmental circumstances that are either sources of support or stress for you this year?  Job satisfaction, financial constraints, the cleanliness, beauty, and repair of your home, extended family and social relationships, society demands and media influences.

Be aware of these developmental, temperamental, and environmental factors, and how they may be affecting your tolerance for facing the added challenges of the holidays.

If the big picture looks and feels strong this year, you may have the energy to splurge on the holidays.  If not, reset the bar of expectations, and dial-down the demands on yourself and your family.  You don’t HAVE to go to all those parties, or host one, or buy all the those gifts, or bake all that food.  Choose commitments for the holiday season that fit with your mood and energy level, and with those of your children and spouse.  There is no one perfect way.  Get some perspective.  Listen to your gut, and go with it.

Reset Priorities.  Accept that you can’t do or have it all. (Sorry, Charlie!)  Choose 1 to 3 top priorities that you care about the most – ones that will bring you the most happiness during this holiday season.  Let go of the rest.  Let it go.  Now, plan ahead.  Schedule several hours out of the 168 you have every week (yes, including Christmas week!), to dedicate to enjoying those priorities.

Restore Power.  How important do you think it is that your children are well-rested, well-fed, and well-energized – with ample opportunity for rest, relaxation, and recreation?  Do they need some active, run-around, get-it-out-of-your-system crazy fun time, as well as some quiet, recharge-your-batteries, rest time in order to be at their best?  Sure they do.  And so do you.  It’s not really optional – unless you want to feel run down and out-of-gas during the holidays.  So, umm, SURPRISE!  Sleep, eat, exercise, rest.  All are critical to enjoying life during the holidays – and afterwards.  Give yourself and your children these gifts first, so you can enjoy any additional gifts that may come your way.

Give TIME IN to…

Communicate Clearly.  Pay attention!  Use active listening with your kids (and your spouse).  Be sure you really hear what your child is saying, what they really mean, with their words and their behavior.  Reflect back to them what you understand they’re saying.  Yep, just paraphrase it.  “Oh, you’d really like to go to that party with your friends, instead of staying home for family night on Friday.  Okay, well let’s think about that…”  Then weigh the pros and cons to the child and the family, and make a considered decision.  The parent has the final say, but you’ll create more open conversations if you’ve honestly listened, understood, and took your child’s feelings and needs into consideration first.  Sometimes you give, sometimes you take.  But if you think and talk with calm, caring, consideration, your children will learn to do likewise.

No time or energy for this type of discussion during the busy holiday season?  Well, taking short cuts here will likely lead to more stress and conflict.  During harried times is exactly the time we need to slow down the most!  So model calm, reflective, and empathic communications with your child, and you’ll likely get a generous gift in return.

Connect Routinely.  Pay attention!  You’ve got to cook and eat and clean anyway – so look at these activities as opportunities to bond with your kids – not as some tedious tasks you have to do before you can enjoy your kids.  Lighten up!  Turn these daily or seasonal chores and errands into playful activities with your kids.  Make guessing games, beat-the-clock games, treasure-hunt games, creativity or cleanliness contests (cooperatively or competitively) – out of shopping, decorating, or cleaning chores.  Use car rides as a time to chat about holiday wishes and memories or time to sing carols or hymns.  Use bedtime as a time to give thanks for the gifts of the day, and prayers for the well-being of others.

Add in seasonal rituals, but be sure to subtract other non-essential routines in order to fit them in.  And communicate clearly about expectations ahead of time.  As usual, give the child some choice (chocolate chip or peanut butter; you want to stir or pat) nested within your choices and expectations (we’re baking cookies today).

Contribute to Community.  Help your child feel a sense of belonging to something bigger and discover the deep satisfaction of giving to others.  Participate in a team, club, school, church, or other organization function.  Children develop self-esteem and self-worth by earning it, and they do that best when they can contribute with their personal effort and skills to some cause that they care about.  Help your child or family choose a particular cause or charity they’d like to contribute to, and set aside real time and resources to make the spirit of giving come alive for them.

Call TIME OUT to…

Resolve Conflicts.  When tempers or anxieties flare, as they will, be prepared.  Set your child up for success with clear, specific, and realistic expectations.  Focus on the solutions to problem behaviors, with positive prompts of what you want the child to DO, not just negative-nagging about what you DON’T want them to do.  “Please wait your turn to pick an ornament, everyone will get plenty of opportunities, as long as you wait nicely until you’re sister’s out of the way” instead of “Stop shoving and grabbing!”

And the holidays are not a time to be overly-lenient or to throw-away all rules and structure.  Hold the child accountable for appropriate behaviors (good manners, polite and friendly participation in family activities) with clear, firm limits and effective consequences.

Effective consequences, remember, are ones that are MEANINGFUL for the child and ENFORCEABLE for the adult.  Emphasize that certain things the child is looking forward to (digital “screen time,” games, videos, outings with friends, etc.) are privileges to be earned, not God-given rights – even if it is Christmas vacation.

Remember to stay focused on the positive outcomes both you and your child desire, and you’ll be rewarded with more of those positive outcomes.  Such as, “WHEN you clean all this up – wrapping paper in the trash can, toys stacked neatly under the tree, dirty dishes in the sink, THEN you can play that new video game – and I can’t wait to watch you do it!  Let’s go!”