How’s that conscious parenting going?  You know, the parenting that comes from the heart, and is guided by a mind that is focused on what’s most important in this moment. 

The world is swirling around you.  Demands for your time and energy are flying in from all over the place.  You’re struggling to keep juggling.  And all you must do is remember this: Be Here Now.

Be fully present to whatever your gut tells you is the most important thing – in this moment.  It’s all any of us can do: do your best in the present moment.  Be fully present. 

If it’s your work, then fully engage in your work.  If it’s your health that needs attention right now, then fully engage in your health.  If it’s your child’s homework or hurt feelings or hunger, then fully engage in meeting your child’s needs. 

Do not waste time and energy on feelings of doubt or worry or guilt or inadequacy.  And don’t splinter your energies into mindless multitasking.  Be Here Now.

And remember these three keys to conscious parenting, so that both you and your children can thrive no matter the adversity or challenges your facing.

1. Awareness – Take a deep breath.  Zoom out and look at the big picture.  Pay attention to what’s going on in your child’s world right now.  Why is your child behaving that way?  What is he feeling?  What is he trying to accomplish?  What does he need?

And what is your current capacity to meet that need?  Where are your strengths right now?  What about your needs?  Be honest.  Be aware.  And be open to…

2. Acceptance – Take a deep breath.  Zoom in on your child’s top priority right now.  What does your child need to learn here?  What does she need to be nourished and to grow? It may not always be what the child wants, or make the child happy right away. 

Accept your responsibility as a parent to make the tough choices, coming from a place of love and compassion.  Accept your limitations, too, and forgive yourself for not being perfect.  Embrace your commitment to keep on giving your child, and yourself, the loving nurturance you both deserve. 

Surrender any preconceived notions of “have to’s” and replace them with grateful “get to’s”.  You have an opportunity for grace here – in every challenging moment with your child.  These moments won’t exist again.  Enjoy them now.  And step into them with…

3. Aligned Action – Take a deep breath, and remember to ask yourself “What Would Love Do (WWLD)?”  Love would be truthful and honest, empathic and comforting, firm and fair.  Take action that your heart knows to be true.  Follow through with what you believe to be “just right” for your child in this moment – not too soft, not too hard.  Just right. 

Conscious parenting?  Don’t be mindless or careless.  Don’t be agonizing and analytical.  Just be present.  Be here now.  Aware.  Accepting.  And Acting – aligned with the divine within.

When each day feels like a mad race to the finish line, getting your child to sleep can sometimes feel like the ultimate challenge.  You’re both exhausted.  You just want the little bugger to quickly and quietly drift off to dreamland, so you can get a few minutes of peace to yourself – or at least get the next load of laundry done.

And God knows, when you finally do get to sleep yourself, the last thing you want is for the pitter-patter of little, or perhaps not so little, feet prancing into your bedroom looking for help – or for room under your covers.

What can you do to get your child into their own bed, and stay there throughout the night without multiple arguments, false starts, or midnight crises?  How do you help your child get to sleep without whining or crying (we’re talking about the child here, not you!)?

Here’s how:

1. No liquids 1-2 hours before bed.   (If needed, a small Dixie cup of water at bedtime.)  Make sure your child goes to the bathroom immediately before getting in bed.  It’s automatic.  “Time to brush teeth and go potty.  Then we’ll get in bed and have story time/back rub/riddle of the day…”  Be there; see it through.  Then get to the fun stuff.

2.  Enjoy a soothing bedtime routine in your child’s bed for 10-20 minutes (read, chat, cuddle).  Not overly stimulating or exciting.  Relaxing and comforting.  If needed, keep a small night-light or hallway/bathroom light on nearby.  Some soft music may be left on if that helps.  No TV in the bedroom, no TV watching in bed!

3. If you’re going to sleep together at all, do it in the child’s bed, not yours.
Whether it’s at the beginning or the middle of the night, see to it that your child falls asleep in his/her own bed.  Establish the child’s bedroom as the place where your child begins to feel secure.  First with you, then gradually without you.

4. Provide as much support as needed to get the desired result, then gradually fade your level of support.  Initially, you’ll stay nearby while the child falls asleep.  Remain quiet and in close proximity, with gradual withdrawal.  You may start out snuggling in bed for the first few nights, then sitting by the bed, then lounging on the other side of the bedroom, then hanging out nearby, outside the bedroom.  Spend several days at each of these stages, as needed, until your child is successfully and comfortably falling asleep.

You’ll want to engage in some quiet activity (reading, sewing, balancing the checkbook, whatever) – being physically present, but ignoring the child.  Your goal is to create a sense of psychological security by just being present.  No conversations other than occasional gentle reassurance “it’s alright honey, you’re fine” and redirection “it’s time to close your mouth and eyes and rest quietly”.  No pressure to go to sleep.  It will come when it’s ready.  

Once you leave the room, you may come back and check on the child in 10-15 minutes.
But if you promise to do that, make sure you keep your promise.  And do it only once per night (no endless game playing).

5. Enforce this firm rule: “Once in bed, stay in bed.”  The only exception is for bathroom necessities (should be rare if you did #1 above).  Your child goes immediately to the bathroom, with or without parent help, and is guided right back to their own bed.  Same thing in the case of a nightmare emergency – the child is firmly and calmly guided right back to bed.  Then Repeat step 4, as needed.

6. Add extra reinforcement or consequences, if needed.

Your child may earn points for each night he goes to sleep in his own bed (quickly and quietly!), and bonus points for staying in bed all night without needing parent assistance.  After the first week, you can add penalty points for getting out of bed for any reason. 

No matter what, if your child gets out of bed, you need to calmly, compassionately, and consistently guide them right back to bed. No big discussions or arguments.  Loving understanding AND firm limits.  Again, repeat step 4 as needed.

If your child needs extra help to not be so anxious, you can use a “safety ticket” system (eg., up to 3 “free passes” per week for an extra back rub in their own bed if they get too upset while in bed and need extra attention or assistance). 

Use consequences such as a “Reward Menu” where points earned can be cashed in for privileges or prizes.  The rewards should be based on things that are MEANINGFUL to the child (really matters to that child) and DOABLE for the adult (the parents are willing and able to follow through consistently with delivering the earned consequences – either rewards or punishments). 

Keeping this rule in mind, generate a list of possible consequences for your child, perhaps even soliciting her input.  Kids often have more investment in a program if they’ve had some say in helping to create it.  It’s often effective to have small immediate consequences that can be for the next day, with an additional big bonus reward for having so many “successful nights” (eg., 6 out of 7 nights per week without getting out of bed at all).

The emphasis should be on praising the child for making a strong effort, doing their job, and feeling proud about becoming “a big boy/girl.”  The extra consequences are added only in the most difficult cases, and are SECONDARY reinforcers to the attention and praise for doing well.

7. Parents must be prepared to peacefully and contentedly focus on this bedtime routine for 1-3 weeks, without resentment or added tension.  Understand that it will take a few weeks to break the cycle of bad habits that your child (and you!) have been engaged in. 

Remember that the Short Term Pain of having to monitor bedtime so rigorously now, will result in the Long Term Gain of creating a secure and self-discipline child – at bedtime and beyond.

“Four dead in O-hio…”

Song lyrics from my teen years – memorializing an American tragedy at the time when national guardsmen shot and killed college students protesting the Vietnam war.

The same words headline an article in my local newspaper this week.  Only now they are memorializing a different kind of American tragedy – teenagers who have taken their own life after incessant bullying drove them to the depths of despair.  One for being an immigrant girl with an accent, one for being openly gay, one for having a learning disability, one for wearing clothes that didn’t fit in.  Four dead in O-hio.

And this has nothing to do with Ohio.  It has everything to do with the blurring of boundaries, morals, relationships, and entertainment at the expense of human dignity in the digital age all across our country. 

It’s anti-bullying week, with story after story pouring out on TV and the internet about troubled teens, pushed to hopelessness and helplessness and death by careless bullying – both online and off.  “Slut, whore, fag, bitch…”  I don’t even like to write these words, and yet they get whispered in the halls, shouted in the malls, texted and tweeted without a second thought by way too many of our youth today.  “We hate so-and-so” groups pop up on internet social networking sites with vicious slurs and rumors being spread faster than wild fire.

I read two separate stories this week about teens going up to open caskets of youths who have committed suicide, still mocking and laughing at their now deceased peer.  And it makes me sick to my stomach.

Teasing and ridiculing has always been a part of growing up – especially during the awkward teen years.  As nationally syndicated columnist Leonard Pitts writes this week in his article following the suicide of Tyler Clementi (the college freshman who was secretly videotaped by his roommate while having a sexual encounter which was broadcast on the internet), there is nothing new about pulling pranks.  There is something else going on here though.  Pitts continues:

“What is new is the distance we now have from other people, this tendency to objectify them.  What is new is the worldwide reach technology now affords us.  And what is new is the cruelty, this willingness to casually destroy someone else with a few clicks of a mouse.

It is as if we have forgotten or never knew: people are not objects.  They have feelings.  They have intrinsic dignity and worth.  And each of us is bound to respect that.  There are things you just don’t do to other people, and the fact that technology makes those things easy to do doesn’t make that any less true.

So yes, there is another story here, and it is wrenching, simple, and self-evident: Tyler Clementi was a human being.

And he wasn’t treated like one.”

Suicide, like most human behavior, is determined by multiple factors.  We can’t blame any one incident or single simple cause.  But this tragic loss of young life is increasingly being associated with teasing turned to harassing turned to bullying – resulting in social humiliation, isolation, and finally desperation.  We can’t keep turning a blind eye to this problem.

And while we can’t prevent every bullying act or suicidal act, we can pay attention better.  We can be more aware of the stressors our kids are facing, be more compassionate to their fears and pain, be more supportive of developing their strengths, be more assertive in calmly confronting unjust or mean acts.

There are many worthy anti-bullying programs out there, which we can discuss in more detail another day.  Meanwhile, here are a few tips and resources to help you guide your children safely through the social challenges they face:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/studentnews/09/30/antibullying.resource/index.html.

Still, nothing can replace your acting with loving kindness every day at home, at work, at school.  Do not tolerate mean-spirited jokes or abusive language or put-downs at the expense of others.  Give your children clear guidance about acceptable behaviors.  Model those values consistently – in what you watch and listen to on the airwaves, in how you respond to offensive activities you encounter, in what you say and do, in how you joke and play, in how you resolve disagreements with others.

Remember, you have to give respect to gain respect.  Mindfully guide your children with respectful interactions.  Give them the tools to safely confront or escape situations that are disrespectful – to themselves, to their friends, and to those that aren’t their friends.

Above all, keep letting your children know they are valued and they are loved.  Remind them that every other child deserves the same – to be respected, not belittled no matter our differences.  Share your hope and strength to keep on going.  It can and will get better, if we come together and make it so.

You’re busy, running around, trying to get the day’s To Do list done, and your child is trying to tell you something, asking you a question, or wanting to show you their newest creation.  Quick, what are you paying attention to?

You want your child to stop playing video games and start his homework, but he’s arguing, backtalking, negotiating as usual.  Quick, what are you paying attention to?

You’re tired at the end of the day, and so is your child who is having a full-fledged meltdown, crying and yelling and tantruming when she’s supposed to be getting in bed.  Quick, what are you paying attention to?

Odds are, if you’re like many parents, you’re paying attention to the problem at hand, and just want to fix it quickly, get it over with, and move on to the next thing you “have to do.”  And you’re never feeling caught up.  You’re never quite feeling like you have enough time or energy to make it to the finish line. 

You have this nagging sense of foreboding, of the burden of having to take care of everyone else.  Never quite sure when and where and how you’ll get to take care of yourself – when you’ll be able to relax and actually enjoy the day, or even the moment.

Just remember, “WHAT YOU FOCUS ON, EXPANDS.” 

When you are preoccupied with the busyness of household chores and activity schedules, your worries about getting it all done increase.  When you focus on the defiant behaviors repeatedly, your anger and frustration with your children grows.  When you attend to the raging noise and embarrassing antics of a tantrum, your sense of helplessness and exhaustion expand.

These stressors exist.  They’re real.  Yet if you continue to focus on these external circumstances that are beyond your control, you will continue to feed the Fear Monster, the Worry Bug, the Angry Beast within.  You’ll eat yourself alive.  Yuk.

There is an alternative.   Awareness.  Mindful awareness of what’s most important to you, and what you want to take from this experience.

Increase your awareness of the reality of the situation, and at the very same time, awareness of what really matters here.  You can gently, repeatedly awaken your mind to recognize what gift the Universe is giving you in this very moment.  What message God wants you to receive.  What lesson you are to learn.  What strength can come from this challenge.  There are many ways to reframe what is happening, and to refocus on the experience in a way that is energy gaining rather than energy draining.

Be aware each day of how much you are meant to have a loving relationship with your child.  Pay attention to how the next activity can be a vehicle not just to clean the kitchen or get the laundry done or get across town to soccer practice.  Be aware of how each of those moments can serve as an opportunity to connect with your child – or to take a break from your child and re-energize another part of yourself.  It’s all good. It’s all necessary and beautiful and legitimate.

Take a deep breath.  And awaken to the possibilities here.  Be aware of what is happening in this moment and make a conscious choice to respond mindfully, gracefully, to it, rather than reacting unconsciously, with anxiety or anger.

Be aware of your child’s needs for attention and affection.  Be aware of how you can give your child that love in small, bite-size morsels repeatedly throughout the day.  Do so proactively, BEFORE your child’s or your stressful tension sets in and begins to escalate towards somebody’s meltdown. 

When your child is arguing or backtalking, be aware that he is seeking control, and acknowledge that need with compassion.  Be equally aware that you are teaching your child self-control, the ability to adjust his behaviors to meet certain expectations, and that he can do what he needs to, even when he doesn’t want to! 

Follow through consistently with careful expectations and consequences that meet your child’s developmental and temperamental needs.  Be aware of how you are asking your children to do things and how you’re reinforcing the choices they’re making.  Does it fit?  Is it a good match?  Is it working effectively?  (How will you know?  You’ll know when you pay attention enough to see that you and your child are fighting less, and enjoying one another more!)

And cultivate a keen awareness of your own emotional arousal.  Am I calm and in control of my feelings, my words, my actions? Am I aware of what my child’s emotional needs are right now, and letting him know I understand?  I care?  Am I aware of the most important principle I want my child, and myself, to take from this encounter?  And am I acting according to that principle?  Am I really paying attention to what really matters?

The greatest shortcut I know to help you reduce stressful parenting moments is to ask yourself this question, over and over (remember, use post-it note reminders if needed!) – “What Would Love Do (WWLD)?”

Keep a mindful awareness of the “WWLD?” mantra alive in your brain, and the rest of your body will follow through with more effective, stress reducing responses to life’s parenting challenges.

It’s the first act of life, and the last act of life.
By some miracle, you do it nearly 20,000 times each day without even thinking about it.
And it holds the key to teaching kids emotional self-control.

Breathing.  Just breathe.

Like many aspects of our being, it often goes unnoticed, taken for granted as we go about our lives unconsciously dealing with the stress of everyday life.  Fretting, racing, worrying, arguing.  We breathe one way.  Loving, laughing, resting, relaxing.  We breathe quite another way.

When you or your child begin to get upset about something – a perceived threat or insult or injustice – what happens to your breath?  It automatically becomes quick and shallow and labored.  Your heart and lungs are speeding up to deliver more oxygen to your extremities to prepare your body for the proverbial “fight or flight” response to stress.

As your child gets more upset, and his Feeling Fever rises on the Feeling Thermometer (Scale of 1-10), his muscles tense, his heart races, his breathing quickens.  It’s happening quite unconsciously.  He can’t help it.

Unless, of course, he becomes aware of what’s happening inside him, and he makes a conscious choice to calm down and relax.  He wants to feel better, be happier.  He doesn’t want to feel so upset or miserable.  But he’s unconsciously caught in an emotional whirlwind that’s starting to carry him away.  What to do?

Pay attention.  When he’s just starting to get into the Yellow Zone (4-5-6) on that Feeling Thermometer is the best time to remind him.  Just breathe.

All relaxation, meditation, and exercise programs that promote mind-body health begin with the breath.  It holds the key to being able to self-regulate and guide oneself to accomplishing almost any goal.  Want your child to be able to get to sleep better?  Follow directions better?  Focus on what she’s doing better?  Control his temper better?  Worry less?  Argue less?  Interrupt less?  Stress less?

Then you’ll want to help him/her remember to “Stop, Relax, and Think!” using our Feeling Thermometer as a memory aid  (See http://www.petermontminy.com/2010/09/managing-emotions-stop-relax-and-think/.)

And the key to the relaxation part is to breathe.  Just breathe.

Getting too excited?  Too carried away?  Too emotional?  Too intense?  With whatever emotion, over whatever circumstance, remember step one.  Just breathe.

You think I’m being ridiculous with this mantra?  Starting to getting irritated with this article?  Just breathe.  (Okay, you can smile, too.)

Be mindful of continuously monitoring your child’s emotional temperature.  As it starts to enter the Yellow Zone, compassionately suggest to your child, “Let’s just stop and take a deep breath for a minute.”  Then proceed to do just that – lead your child in deep, diaphragmatic breathing.  From the gut.  What I like to call “Belly Breathing.”

Hold your hand over your belly button.  Now inhale using your abdominal muscles, so that the hand on your belly rises and falls gently with each inhale and exhale.  Invite a cleansing breath into your body, filling your lungs from the bottom up.  Gently.  Slowly.  Deeply.  Without straining.  Without hunching up your shoulders or puffing up your chest.  Only your belly is moving.

To practice with your child, imagine a balloon inside your bellies filling up with air.  Lie back, relax, and see if you can fill the balloon up slowly and steadily, for 4 seconds.  Hold it for 1.  Let the air seep gently out of the balloon for 4 more seconds.  Repeat. 

In (1—2—3—4) and Out (1—2—3—4).
In (1—2—3—4) and Out (1—2—3—4).
In (1—2—3—4) and Out (1—2—3—4).

Encourage your child to notice how their body feels after this brief “4×4 Breathing” exercise.  Ask where they feel on the stress thermometer now.  Odds are, it just went down a couple of notches!   For more fun and awareness, practice with a stuffed animal riding the gentle waves on top of your belly as you breathe slowly and deeply.  In and out.  In and out.   In and out.

Now you can add other steps, from positive self-talk or imagery to muscle tense-and-release exercises.  For example, coach your child to repeat to themselves, with each breath, “I can relax.  I will relax.  I am relaxing.” And just breathe.

The beauty, and power, of this technique lies in its simplicity.  It can be done anytime, anywhere.  Without fanfare, without notice, you and your child carry your breath with you wherever you go.  Now the challenge is simply to notice it, remain mindful of it, and consciously choose to slow it down. 

Deep, cleansing breaths from the belly center, from your core, will refresh and relax your body and your mind.  Such breathing is physiologically incompatible with being tense.  Just breathe.

Only then will you and your child be ready to focus clearly and constructively on solving whatever problem is at hand.

“When my child gets out of control, what do I do?  How can he control his emotions better? He’s flying off the handle too much lately.  He gets upset, yells, throws a fit over little things.  I’m tired of doing battle with him, and starting to lose my temper more than I want to, too.”

“Why can’t she just do what I ask, when I ask, without all the drama?  It’s so upsetting to see her get all upset – panicking when things don’t go as expected, or melting down when things don’t go her way.”

Parents often struggle to help their children overcome daily life stressors, like getting homework completed, picking up after themselves, cleaning bedrooms, not fighting with siblings, getting out the door on time in the morning, getting to bed at night, helping around the house, getting off the computer when asked, etc., etc., etc.!

If you have a child who is wired to be emotionally sensitive or intense, these daily hassles can quickly turn into exhausting daily crises for both of you.  What do do?

Before arguing over a specific behavior you want your child to do – or to stop doing – always pay attention to your child’s feeling state first.  This is the key to teaching your kids to listen with less drama, to quickly regain control when they do lose it, and to establish the self-regulation they need to succeed in life.

As you interact with your child, be fully aware of your child’s mood at the time.  Ask yourself, “What is he feeling right now?  And how intense is it?”

Imagine that you have a Feeling Thermometer, and you stick it under your child’s tongue to take her feeling temperature.  On a scale from 1-10, how upset is she? 

Now, the beauty of this thermometer is it can take the temperature of any feeling.  How angry is he? How anxious is she?  How frustrated?  Agitated?  Depressed?  Discombobulated?

To help you visualize this more easily, I want to share a simple parenting tool that has proven effective for managing emotions in kids – and parents!  Click on the link here to download your own copy of Dr. Peter’s Feeling Thermometer:

http://www.kidstepcoaching.com/FeelingThermometer.pdf 

If your child is a little upset (annoyed, frustrated), at a 1, 2, or 3, we’ll say he’s in the Green Zone.  Moderately upset (angry, shouting mad) at a 4, 5, 6, or 7 is in the Yellow Zone.  Totally upset (furious, losing it, melting down, out of control) at an 8, 9, or 10 is in the Red Zone.

Now we all have our Green, Yellow, and Red zones.  And you’ll quickly discover that you can pretty accurately and intuitively describe where your child is at any given moment.  If you are mindful enough to consider your child’s feelings first!

Why bother?  Because measuring your child’s “feeling fever” in this way leads you directly to the most effective Action Plan to take with your child.

When your child is in the Red Zone, the Action Plan = STOP!  (Write it down on the line under Red Zone on your Feeling Thermometer.)  It’s time to take a TIME OUT. 

Stop all dialogue, discussion, or debate about the actual problem.  When your child is in the Red Zone, by definition she is out of control and irrational at this point.  Any talk or rational attempts to solve the original problem is just pouring gasoline on the fire.  You can discuss what started the fire later, now you just need to put the fire out. 

When someone is in the Red Zone, everyone needs to stop, retreat to neutral corners, and takes a time out to calm down and regroup.  Where possible, remove your child to a neutral space away from others.  

The key to success here is to disengage from your child emotionally and verbally.  Do not keep getting sucked in!  Calmly and firmly acknowledge your child’s plight with one sentence: “I see you’re really upset right now, and when you’re done, then we’ll talk about it.”  Now ignore your child’s tirade, except for maintaining enough awareness to ensure everyone’s physical safety.  Serve as a “safe container” for your child’s “emotional seizure,” but do not engage otherwise.

When your child is in the Yellow Zone, the Action Plan = RELAX!  (Fill in the blank on your Feeling Thermometer.) It’s time to CHILL OUT.

This is the most critical area for you to intervene, typically on the way up, as your child’s feeling temperature is rising, before it ever makes it to the Red Zone.  Also, important on the way back down, to help break the child’s “feeling fever.”

In the Yellow Zone, your child is clearly upset and agitated, not fully able to work through the problem constructively, but not out of control yet.  If you see the storm brewing, intervene now!  Compassionately coach your child on ways to relax and calm down.  You’ll need to discover together which ways work best for your child’s temperament and personality.  Ideally, you work on this in calm, teachable moments first.  Then remind and encourage your child to use those coping skills when they start getting too upset – when you see them getting to a 5 or so on the Feeling Thermometer.

The most universal and effective way for any of us to relax and calm down is to use deep, diaphragmatic breathing.  Simply encourage your child to take 3 slow, deep breaths before continuing on.  (I’ll have other articles and videos with more on this coming up.)  Add positive, affirmative self-talk (“I can calm down.  It’s okay.  It’s not the end of the world.  I just need to focus on the next step.  On what I can do now.  I can relax.  I will relax.  I am relaxing.”), or muscle tense-and-release strategies.  Or go for a brief walk, play music, stretch, joke, distract, or imagine a happy, relaxing scene.  Lots of different strategies. 

Develop what works for you and your child by increasing awareness of your body cues, thought cues, and feeling cues to when your getting agitated, and then use those cues to gently direct you to self-calming and recentering breathing.  Mindfulness practice is a wonderful thing, and no better time to use it than when you’re starting to enter the Yellow Zone.

When your child is in the Green Zone, the Action Plan = THINK!  (Fill in the blank on your Feeling Thermometer.)  It’s time to TALK IT OUT. 

Only now, when your child is in the Green Zone, can he and you constructively think about what’s wrong and what to do about it.  Only address the problem behavior when he’s in the Green Zone.  At all other times, focus on “reducing the feeling fever” or “putting out the feeling fire” first. 

If he’s calm enough to be in the Green Zone, now you can reflect briefly on his feelings, and then redirect him with what to do about it.  Join him in problem-solving about how he can handle the situation – how he can do something, even when he doesn’t like it or want to.  That’s an important life skill – the seeds of self-discipline and success.

In the Green Zone, briefly acknowledge your child’s feelings, and quickly move on to some solutions about how to handle the current dilemma.  For example:
“I understand you’re frustrated by this homework… and I can help you with that math.”
“I see you’re kinda mad at your sister… and you may use your words, not your hands, to tell her to stop.”
“I know you don’t want to get off the computer right now… and we still need to get ready for bed, so let’s save this game for tomorrow, as long as you can get off nicely now.”

In the Green Zone, you are mindfully joining with your child in a problem-solving adventure.  You are compassionate about your child’s feelings (what is stressing them), and you are guiding them towards a reasonable solution.  Ideally, this moment is preceded by clear and realistic expectations for your child, and followed by meaningful and consistent consequences.  But that’s a story for another day.

Finally, it may have occurred to you that you can’t do any of this caring, conscious parenting (or teaching) if you’re not mindful of your own emotions first!  Absolutely right.  We must get out our own, parent or teacher, feeling thermometers and take our own temperatures first, before we can begin to direct our children to “STOP, RELAX, AND THINK!”  Make sure you are in the Green Zone first, before trying any of these techniques.  Otherwise, you’re back to pouring gasoline on the fire.

Ask yourself, on a scale of 1-10, “How upset, tense, or stressed am I right now?”  If you’re aware that you’re in the Yellow or Red Zone, take the self-calming steps needed to bring your own feeling fever back down, before you’ll be well enough to care for your child.

Remember, mindful awareness of your feelings and your child’s feelings, will serve as the key to teaching your child how to successfully handle the many challenges of life.

What’s the single biggest predictor of success – at school, at work, at sports, at life?

It’s not ability.  It’s not heredity.  I’ll tell you what it is.

Persistence.  Effort.  Perseverance.

(Hey, why use just one word, when three will do?)

Put ‘em together, you’ve got PEP!

Yeah, putting PEP into your kid’s life is more challenging these days.  Many kids are increasingly sedentary, lethargic, apathetic, or “bored” – while simultaneously being
overstimulated with
     information,
          entertainment,
               and “choice overload.” 

More and more kids are unable to sustain their attention to anything lasting longer than
an MTV montage,
     a Sports Center highlight,
          a YouTube clip,
               or a text message.

Too many kids have
     an inflated sense of entitlement,
          fragile sense of self-worth,
               and a near zero level of frustration tolerance. 

When the going gets tough, they quit.  If they don’t quit, they complain, cry, whine, make excuses, withdraw, tantrum, sulk, or blame others. 

Too often they get down on themselves, berating themselves as “failures” because of
some preconceived notion that
     it should just be easy,
          they should get it right away,
              they should instantly be the best. 

And if they’re not, then the activity is pointless or somehow they’re completely useless.

I joke with too many teenagers nowadays, some of them with more than passing suicidal thoughts, about how they really must be “total losers” and should be branded with a big “L” on their foreheads.  I purposely exaggerate their circumstances until they can see the absurdity of it. 

No one is perfect.  No one is as glamorous as the celebrity hype machine suggests.  Everyone has problems.  That doesn’t make life unbearable.  It makes life, life!

No daylight, without the darkness. 
     No rainbow, without the storm. 
          No joy, without sorrow.

And everyone has blessings. 
     Everyone has gifts. 
          Everyone has talents.

It’s not what you’re given in life, it’s what you do with it that matters.

So I work diligently to help kids today find ways to fight through their struggles – whether it’s in math class or in the batter’s box or in the lunchroom with peers.

The biggest muscle that has atrophied in kids today, the one that needs the biggest strengthening program, is the mental muscle of determination.

When faced with a life challenge, every child, every parent, every teacher has a choice.

What will you do with yours?

Imagine your dream.
Set a goal.
Clarify your purpose.
Create a plan.
Connect with your passion.
Focus on priorities.
Act with integrity.
Persist. Practice.  Persevere.
Repeat.

Success will come to any of us the “old-fashion way” – when we earn it.

conscious (n.)  aware, sensible, deliberate.

consequence (n.)  result, outcome, effect.

Okay, last week you set up the situation with realistic, positive expectations, empathy, and encouragement.  Now, either your kids will respond respectfully and cooperatively, or they won’t.  Your job is to provide immediate feedback that teaches them to keep making better choices in the future.  Your leverage is in how you use consequences – either more or less effectively.

To help you do that more effectively, here’s the final 3 of our “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.”  Enjoy, and employ!

TIP #10: ENFORCEMENT – Enforce accountability with consistent limits and consequences.  To be most effective, use the 2 Critical Criteria for effective consequences.  Make sure that your consequences are (1) MEANINGFUL to your child – it really matters to them, and (2) DOABLE for you – you can and will follow through with them.

Remember, consequences always exist.  They always follow your child’s behavior whether you’re paying attention to them or not.  And they can be positive or negative.  So stop thinking just punishments.  In fact, the more you think about and talk about positive reinforcement (praise, privileges, rewards), the more cooperative and respectful your children will become.

Why?  Because we’d all rather work for a boss who is encouraging and notices what we do well and praises or rewards us for that good behavior, than a boss who never seems to notice when we do a good job, but only criticizes and corrects us, making us feel like we’re never good enough.  Hmmmm, put that way, if we filmed your parenting interactions with your child for the next week, which kind of boss do you think you’d sound more like?

You can be firm without being negative.  Be very clear, your child needs to earn privileges with respectful behaviors.  TV, computers, cell phones, social activities, bedtimes, etc. are not God-given rights!  They are privileges to be earned.  And if your child doesn’t show good effort, use respectful language, make positive behavior choices, they won’t earn those privileges they desire.  You can be very firm and clear about that.

Just don’t state it in the negative; state it more often in the positive.  Go back and read tips 9 and 10 over and over until you really get it.  And more importantly, until you’re really doing it – as consistently as possible.

TIP #11: EVALUATION – Evaluate your child’s progress with honesty and integrity.  Immediately after your child receives their consequence for their behavior – provide a little extra feedback that helps them actually learn from this experience.  Before the child can return to their daily life – before getting out of time out or resuming a certain privilege – make sure you conduct what I lovingly refer to as “the Exit Interview.”

The consequence isn’t over until your child can calmly discuss with you what happened and why.  Simply start the Exit Interview with the following question “What did you do that got you this consequence?”  Notice the powerful elegance of this question.  The focus is matter-of-factly (not accusatorially) on what behavior choice the child made in that situation – not all the external factors like how unfair and mean everyone else is.  When your child learns to recognize and accept responsibility for his or her actions, then you are well on your way to more respectful behaviors.

Once you and your child are clear on what they did that got them to this point, then ask “How did that work for you or against you?  How do you feel about it now?  Think you’d do the same thing again if you were in this situation again?  Why or why not?”

You are helping your child to learn about cause and effect, to see that their actions have meaningful consequences in life.  You are not lecturing or scolding.  You are BRIEFLY evaluating “What happened here?” for the purpose of understanding how to get along better next time around.

TIP #12: EDUCATION – Educate your kids about how they can improve.  Teach them how they can keep growing and making better choices in life.  Teach and practice with your child, role-playing or rehearsing if needed, how to cope better the next time they are in this situation.  Continue the Exit Interview with a brief, brainstorming discussion about “What could you do differently?” And get them to consider the likely consequences of several different choices (quickly weigh the pro’s and con’s). 

End the Exit Interview by securing a commitment from your child about “What will you do next time?”  Be clear about connecting the dots here – we’re talking about what will they do next time they are in a situation where you expect something (specific and realistic) and they feel differently (upset, struggling) and they need to make a smarter choice (more respectful behavior) that will lead to a more positive outcome (consequence) for them, rather than a negative one.

Finally, encourage your kiddo to “Try it and See…!”  It’s a great experiment.  We want to see if this new coping plan works better or not.  And if not, that’s okay, we’ll be right here ready to help them keep making adjustments until we find what works for them.

It all fits together – pretty cool, eh?  Yes, it takes work to establish this new way of seeing and interacting with your child.  But when you do, when these conscious ways of thinking and acting become habits, you will find much more joy in watching your children develop with their greater self-discipline, self-respect, and respect for others.