Ten years ago, on an early September morning much like this one, I was getting ready for work with my TODAY Show companions Matt and Katie chattering away in the background.  I’d just returned from getting my children off to school – 8th, 6th, and 3rd grades.  My wife, 7 months pregnant, was already at the office, managing our small family-owned business.

Life was plugging along, pretty much mindlessly for me.  Then it all changed.

The chattering on the TV turned serious, concerned, confused.  I sat down, paying full attention, and watched incredulously as it all changed.

The north tower of the World Trade Center was on fire, and it was pretty scary.  Fifteen minutes later, I watched in disbelief as the second plane flew into the south tower, and it was totally surreal.  Then I heard about the third hitting the Pentagon, and the fourth spiraling out of control nearby in rural central Pennsylvania.  All hell was breaking loose, and I’ll never forget the feeling of complete uncertainty and helplessness.

Everyone has had their own journey.  Everyone is healing in their own way.  And we are all doing so, together.

Ten years hence, I thank God for the gift of another day.  And for the joy and pain of raising three children from elementary school to college, alongside the pain and joy of raising another from birth to the start of fourth grade this week.

Amazing grace indeed, this circle of life (which includes the mysteries of death).

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  I don’t know what the next moment will bring.

I am aware, in this moment, that I am eternally grateful for this life, and for all those who have shared the journey with me.

I am aware, in this moment, that I am hopeful and enthusiastic about our future together.  I believe our divinely-inspired, compassionate humanity will prevail.  I choose to believe that.

And I will continue in my daily work to shine that light of love wherever I can.  Even as I do so as a perfectly imperfect human being.

Today, in this moment, I simply wanted to share a heartfelt wish from my family’s faith:

May the Peace of God be with you.

Wherever you are, however you spend this weekend – may Peace be with you.

“Four dead in O-hio…”

Song lyrics from my teen years – memorializing an American tragedy at the time when national guardsmen shot and killed college students protesting the Vietnam war.

The same words headline an article in my local newspaper this week.  Only now they are memorializing a different kind of American tragedy – teenagers who have taken their own life after incessant bullying drove them to the depths of despair.  One for being an immigrant girl with an accent, one for being openly gay, one for having a learning disability, one for wearing clothes that didn’t fit in.  Four dead in O-hio.

And this has nothing to do with Ohio.  It has everything to do with the blurring of boundaries, morals, relationships, and entertainment at the expense of human dignity in the digital age all across our country. 

It’s anti-bullying week, with story after story pouring out on TV and the internet about troubled teens, pushed to hopelessness and helplessness and death by careless bullying – both online and off.  “Slut, whore, fag, bitch…”  I don’t even like to write these words, and yet they get whispered in the halls, shouted in the malls, texted and tweeted without a second thought by way too many of our youth today.  “We hate so-and-so” groups pop up on internet social networking sites with vicious slurs and rumors being spread faster than wild fire.

I read two separate stories this week about teens going up to open caskets of youths who have committed suicide, still mocking and laughing at their now deceased peer.  And it makes me sick to my stomach.

Teasing and ridiculing has always been a part of growing up – especially during the awkward teen years.  As nationally syndicated columnist Leonard Pitts writes this week in his article following the suicide of Tyler Clementi (the college freshman who was secretly videotaped by his roommate while having a sexual encounter which was broadcast on the internet), there is nothing new about pulling pranks.  There is something else going on here though.  Pitts continues:

“What is new is the distance we now have from other people, this tendency to objectify them.  What is new is the worldwide reach technology now affords us.  And what is new is the cruelty, this willingness to casually destroy someone else with a few clicks of a mouse.

It is as if we have forgotten or never knew: people are not objects.  They have feelings.  They have intrinsic dignity and worth.  And each of us is bound to respect that.  There are things you just don’t do to other people, and the fact that technology makes those things easy to do doesn’t make that any less true.

So yes, there is another story here, and it is wrenching, simple, and self-evident: Tyler Clementi was a human being.

And he wasn’t treated like one.”

Suicide, like most human behavior, is determined by multiple factors.  We can’t blame any one incident or single simple cause.  But this tragic loss of young life is increasingly being associated with teasing turned to harassing turned to bullying – resulting in social humiliation, isolation, and finally desperation.  We can’t keep turning a blind eye to this problem.

And while we can’t prevent every bullying act or suicidal act, we can pay attention better.  We can be more aware of the stressors our kids are facing, be more compassionate to their fears and pain, be more supportive of developing their strengths, be more assertive in calmly confronting unjust or mean acts.

There are many worthy anti-bullying programs out there, which we can discuss in more detail another day.  Meanwhile, here are a few tips and resources to help you guide your children safely through the social challenges they face:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/studentnews/09/30/antibullying.resource/index.html.

Still, nothing can replace your acting with loving kindness every day at home, at work, at school.  Do not tolerate mean-spirited jokes or abusive language or put-downs at the expense of others.  Give your children clear guidance about acceptable behaviors.  Model those values consistently – in what you watch and listen to on the airwaves, in how you respond to offensive activities you encounter, in what you say and do, in how you joke and play, in how you resolve disagreements with others.

Remember, you have to give respect to gain respect.  Mindfully guide your children with respectful interactions.  Give them the tools to safely confront or escape situations that are disrespectful – to themselves, to their friends, and to those that aren’t their friends.

Above all, keep letting your children know they are valued and they are loved.  Remind them that every other child deserves the same – to be respected, not belittled no matter our differences.  Share your hope and strength to keep on going.  It can and will get better, if we come together and make it so.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with security,
they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

- From “Children Learn What They Live” by Dorothy Law Nolte

There is an exploding amount of western scientific research coming out these days confirming what eastern spiritual practices and grandma’s common sense have long known.  Children learn what they live.

Modern neuroscience is showing us more clearly than ever that children learn best only when they are living in an environment that is:

• safe and secure,
• pleasurable and fun,
• encouraging and nurturing,
• stimulating and challenging.

Children’s brains develop rapidly by interacting with people, places, and things that they can explore freely – without undue fear of physical or psychological harm.  Without safe and stimulating interactions from caregivers at each stage of development, a child’s mind will not reach its full potential. 

Sure, all children inherit different genes, and they are wired from birth with certain predispositions for both strengths and vulnerabilities.   Every parent with more than one child knows this.  But how those specific strengths will develop and how those vulnerabilities will be compensated for has everything to do with the environment your child grows up in. 

In short, your own personal and family well-being (along with the teacher’s and school’s well-being), goes a long way towards determining your child’s academic, social, and emotional successes in life. 

When parents or families are experiencing constant, chronic stress, that stress is downloaded onto the child.  And when your child is stressed, his or her mind is unable to fully do its job.  Your child is unavailable – dare I say with a brain that is off-line – for learning and succeeding in school.

Curiosity and creativity can only thrive when your child’s brain isn’t worrying about perceived threats to his or her personal well-being (both physical and emotional).  Paying attention, finding patterns, making connections to stored memories, and predicting how things will turn out – all critical processes for learning anything – can only occur when the emotional filters of the mid-brain feel secure enough to allow the higher brain to process incoming information.  And these higher brain decision-making centers in the frontal lobes – responsible for the “executive functions” of analyzing, prioritizing, planning, self-directing, and self-regulating – will only thrive when consistently nurturing and optimally challenging caregivers guide them.

Whew!  What a mouthful.  What does it all mean?

It means you, as a caring parent or teacher, will need to keep making conscious choices about how you interact with your growing children, if you want to see them develop to their full potential (- which I know you do because I keep hearing that phrase over and over again from parents and teachers!).

Where to start?  While the scientific explanations may sound complicated at times, fortunately the solutions are not.  Your child – and his or her brain – will thrive if you start taking these 5 steps this week, and keep on stepping through them, for as long as you have your child in your home (or school or childcare center!):

1. Talking and listening.  Think and talk out loud.  Model for your child how you think through a challenging problem to solve it.  Talk about your day.  Share a joke or funny story.  Ask them specific questions (who, what, when, where, why, how…?) with caring curiosity, not bullying interrogations.  Take the time and space and silence to allow their answers to unfurl.  Have open ears and an open heart to receive their questions and complaints with grace.  Celebrate their victories.  Be present.  Minutes a day will go a long way.

2. One-on-one game playing.  Play board games and card games and make-believe games.  Solve puzzles of all kinds together.  Look for a balance of cooperative and competitive games, quiet/passive games and active/sporting games.  Sure, video-games too, in moderation.  Model and practice turn-taking, rule-following, and good-sportsmanship.  The point is to share fun and laughter with each other, and in so doing, see that everyone wins where it’s most important.

3. Walking in the park or woods.  Get outside, breathe fresh air, move your bodies.  Relaxing or exciting.  It’s about observation and discovery of things big and small, both within us and all around us.  It’s about seeing and hearing and smelling and tasting and feeling the beauty of nature.  Plug back into the natural rhythms of life.  Feed your child’s senses and soul.  Simply.  Go easy on the expectations.  Just go.  Regularly.  And enjoy what unfolds. 

4. Decreasing TV time.  Limit the amount of screen-time.  For real.  Make conscious choices about what TV shows and computer sites your child has access to, and how much.  An hour or two a day, maximum.  With pre-approved menu.  Not just any old thing, on as background buzz, seeping into your child’s mind, mindlessly.  Or yours.  Actively monitor your child’s media diet.  And yours.  Promote lots of healthy choices.  Sure, allow media junk food indulgences in limited quantities.  Consider this simple rule of thumb.  Does your child have to ask to have someone come over and play?  Do you set up some expectations and limits around such a get-together?  Well, do the same with the TV or computer (or cell phone!).  They have to ask to use it and learn the limited time and place and choice options.  Radical.

5. Increasing self-care time.  You can’t and won’t do any of these things for your kids on a consistent basis if you’re burnt-out or running on empty.  Nurture your body, mind, or spirit at least a half-hour a day.  Guaranteed you have the time, you just may not be choosing to use it this way.  (See me for more details.)  When you’re relaxed and alert and open to fun new learning experiences, you’ll be a guiding light for your child to do the same.  As Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  – Or your child.

As always, enjoy the journey!  And remember that our Kidstep Coaching Programs are designed specifically to help your kids step into life-time success by enhancing both your family’s well-being and your child’s executive functioning.

What’s the single biggest predictor of success – at school, at work, at sports, at life?

It’s not ability.  It’s not heredity.  I’ll tell you what it is.

Persistence.  Effort.  Perseverance.

(Hey, why use just one word, when three will do?)

Put ‘em together, you’ve got PEP!

Yeah, putting PEP into your kid’s life is more challenging these days.  Many kids are increasingly sedentary, lethargic, apathetic, or “bored” – while simultaneously being
overstimulated with
     information,
          entertainment,
               and “choice overload.” 

More and more kids are unable to sustain their attention to anything lasting longer than
an MTV montage,
     a Sports Center highlight,
          a YouTube clip,
               or a text message.

Too many kids have
     an inflated sense of entitlement,
          fragile sense of self-worth,
               and a near zero level of frustration tolerance. 

When the going gets tough, they quit.  If they don’t quit, they complain, cry, whine, make excuses, withdraw, tantrum, sulk, or blame others. 

Too often they get down on themselves, berating themselves as “failures” because of
some preconceived notion that
     it should just be easy,
          they should get it right away,
              they should instantly be the best. 

And if they’re not, then the activity is pointless or somehow they’re completely useless.

I joke with too many teenagers nowadays, some of them with more than passing suicidal thoughts, about how they really must be “total losers” and should be branded with a big “L” on their foreheads.  I purposely exaggerate their circumstances until they can see the absurdity of it. 

No one is perfect.  No one is as glamorous as the celebrity hype machine suggests.  Everyone has problems.  That doesn’t make life unbearable.  It makes life, life!

No daylight, without the darkness. 
     No rainbow, without the storm. 
          No joy, without sorrow.

And everyone has blessings. 
     Everyone has gifts. 
          Everyone has talents.

It’s not what you’re given in life, it’s what you do with it that matters.

So I work diligently to help kids today find ways to fight through their struggles – whether it’s in math class or in the batter’s box or in the lunchroom with peers.

The biggest muscle that has atrophied in kids today, the one that needs the biggest strengthening program, is the mental muscle of determination.

When faced with a life challenge, every child, every parent, every teacher has a choice.

What will you do with yours?

Imagine your dream.
Set a goal.
Clarify your purpose.
Create a plan.
Connect with your passion.
Focus on priorities.
Act with integrity.
Persist. Practice.  Persevere.
Repeat.

Success will come to any of us the “old-fashion way” – when we earn it.