We’ve all been there: “We all make mistakes.”  It’s easy for us to say those comforting words – to be compassionate and forgiving – when we see someone else’s kid really mess up.  But how do we handle it when it’s one of our own?  With the same loving kindness and wisdom?

We do all make mistakes, especially our children who are growing up trying to figure out what’s right, what’s wrong, and what they want to do about it.  These moment-to-moment choices ultimately determine where they fit in and who they are.  Our children grow from being naïve, immature pre-schoolers to more aware, mature decision-making pre-adults.  Hopefully.

Are you Laughing-Out-Loud?  If your child has gotten to the teen years yet, or even the tween years, you probably are.  Or you’re rolling your eyes.  Or you’re holding your breath.

It’s so challenging nowadays for both parents and kids to get through the journey from childhood to adulthood without facing some major mistakes and set-backs along the way.  There are just too many challenges, temptations, stressors, and plain bad influences surrounding them at every turn – online and off.

Yes, kids make mistakes.  Big ones.  We’re talking cheating, stealing, or lying.  Physically fighting, bullying or harassing others, vulgar or hurtful gossiping, vengeful acts, self-mutilation.  Drinking, smoking weed, snorting worse, having sex – unsafe or otherwise.  Violating some important family value or social norm.  Making some serious errors of judgment that negatively affect them or those around them.

And sometimes they get caught up in a peer group where these choices get reinforced, glorified, vilified, and amplified, especially in today’s social media world.  Before your child knows it, a single action can get perversely distorted as it spreads like wildfire across the facebook, twitter, and texting landscape of tweens and teens.  Your child gets to relive his or her mistake over and over, and others do too, until a reputation can be built up or broken down in a heartbeat.

What’s a well-meaning parent (or teacher or counselor or coach) to do?  As Winston Churchill said, “All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them.”  How do you help your child get through these growing up mistakes so that they really do learn from them, grow stronger from them?

I’ve developed a protocol over the years for older children and adolescents to go through with a parent (or counselor) when they’ve made a major life mistake – or even a series of them.  It’s called “Resetting Your Compass.”

First, when you discover the bad news about the bad choices your child has made, collect yourself.  Literally take some deep breaths, and spend a few minutes or hours reflecting on what you know, what you don’t know, and how you feel.  Get centered on what you really want your child to learn from this experience – what are the solutions to whatever problems or challenges your child was facing at the time, and how do you hope your child will change for the better as you move forward.  Get the facts first, as clearly as possible – while accepting the fact that you’ll never know all the facts for sure anyway!  But don’t dwell on the past and “why’s,” focus on the future and “how’s.”

As soon as you’ve collected your thoughts and emotions, and done likewise with your spouse or co-parent, then schedule a quiet time and place to sit down with your child to discuss (a) what happened, (b) why, and (c) so what?

The “so what?” part is ultimately the part that matters most. As in, so what do we do now (consequences, restitution, remediation) and what do we do differently moving forward.  Accept that everyone at the table has a responsibility for the problem and the solution.  Discuss how you will guide and supervise your child (and his/her peers) moving forward.  And elicit from your child how he/she will be making smarter choices, even in the face of temptation or adversity, moving forward.

To help with this part, I’ve developed the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire that helps your child review their Big Mistake(s) in terms of where they were coming from, where they are now, and where they’re heading.

I strongly recommend that part of the immediate consequence for your tween or teen is to take this “take home test” seriously.  After your first big sit-down discussion with your child about what happened and what do we do now, let him/her know that this discussion has been “Part 1” of several healing steps you are going to guide your child through, to see that he/she regroups, recovers, and grows stronger from this experience.

The second step is for your teen or tween to take this questionnaire with them (electronic or paper copy) and spend a week reflecting on their answers, and writing them down.  Give the child a week to read, pray, think, discuss with whomever they want whatever they want to about these questions.  But mostly you want them to look inward, not outward, for their answers.  It’s often good to encourage them to read some relevant, inspirational book or passages (yes, hand them to them!) or maybe watch a relevant movie with a moral, to help prime the pump.

Anyway, then they must write or type or dictate their answers to each question, and bring their written responses to the next meeting with you.

Let them know that the writing part is for them only – to promote introspection and honesty with themselves – you will not read the written answers.  But you will look to see that they wrote at least several sentences for each question.  Why?  We want them to go deeply here, not superficially.  You’re using this process for the big mistakes, not the little ones, and we want them to have a big learning experience, hopefully a big change of heart.  That only comes with thoughtful reflection and some extra work.

In your second meeting a week later, ask your son or daughter to summarize their answers to you, to tell you about what they’ve learned, what they really think or feel, how they really want to live their life, and what they need (from themselves, you, and others) to succeed at living that life.  How do they intend to move forward, being their best self, even in the face of a tempting, pressuring, crazy world out there.

Let them know you’re there for them, always, with love.  And limits.  And be sure to follow-up regularly with observations, comments, and questions about these matters.  It’s not a one-time deal, it’s about ongoing support and guidance.

For those of you motivated enough to get to the end of this article, feel free to use the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire as a tool towards self-discovery and healing. It’s here for you at no charge (at www.kidstepcoaching.com/compass) – for whenever you or your child makes a big mistake.

Be one of the wise ones – learn from it.  And keep on growing.

The new year has started off with a bang – Chinese fireworks exploding over the American child-rearing landscape.  Amy Chua’s new book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, has re-ignited the age-old debate about strict versus permissive parenting.

As a Yale law professor and Chinese-American mother of two daughters (now 18 and 15), Chua wrote a memoir about her triumphs and tribulations while raising her children with extremely high expectations and, by current American standards, severely strict methods of enforcement.  She asserts the wisdom of never accepting a grade lower than an A, of insisting on hours of math and spelling drills and piano and violin practice each day (weekends and vacations included), of not allowing any playdates or sleepovers or television or computer games.

A book excerpt in the Wall Street Journal this month (titled “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior”)

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html

created an instant firestorm of over 1 million online readers and 7,000 comments, as well as a wide range of TV appearances and debates, from the Today show to the Colbert Report, and an appearance on the cover of Time magazine this week. Why the uproar?

For one, Chua provides vivid descriptions of various encounters with her children in which she made one practice a piano piece through tears all night long, without water or bathroom breaks until she mastered it, how she called one of them “garbage” after the girl behaved disrespectfully, how she threw out a hastily-made birthday card and told her daughter “I reject this.  I deserve better than this – and expect something that you’ve put some thought and effort into.”

These anecdotal stories are being retold and creating an uproar of tiger-hunting by many parents who wince at the thought of inducing such shame or guilt on their children – or at the memory of receiving such as a child.  Our current culture is terribly torn between providing our children carefree happiness, protecting them from undue stress, and propping up their self-esteem, while also wanting them to be battle-tested and able to handle adversity and succeed in today’s competitive global society.

Based on her upbringing and her own childrearing, Chua is saying you can’t have it both ways.  She (and her husband apparently) made a conscious choice to go for the pursuit of excellence as a path to happiness and life satisfaction.  She believes that by challenging her children to push past their self-doubts and weaknesses, to accomplish something they didn’t believe they could accomplish, they receive the hard-earned gifts of self-efficacy and self-confidence that can never be taken away.  She believes this resilience will serve them best in life. 

And, surprising to some, Chua insists that “everything I do as a mother builds on a foundation of love and compassion.”  She talks about assuming her children are strong, not weak and fragile, and that her unshakeable belief in their ability to meet high expectations ensures that they can and will persevere through life’s hardships.

As opposed to the one-dimensional portrayals of Chua as a vicious tiger mother who is barely above eating her young alive, Chua reflects more thoughtfully about the strong foundation of her convictions, the challenges from rebellious teenagers that led to productive compromises, and even some regrets that she learned along the way.

What can we learn from this mother’s struggle to do right by her children, and from her memoir that provokes us into re-examining the principles we believe best serve our own children?  Indeed, what can we learn when we stop fearing or fighting the tiger, and perhaps tame it instead?

While not endorsing all her strategies or extreme examples, Chua touches on some age-old wisdom that current psychological research supports.  Integrating the two, here are the take home messages from a tamed-tiger-mother approach that I find most worthwhile.

1. Real self-esteem can only be developed the old fashioned way – you have to earn it.  When you protect your child from struggling with difficult tasks, you prevent your child from developing a sense of mastery and competency.  Rather than having the confidence that they can overcome adversity, many children today show low frustration tolerance, short attention spans, and emotional fragility.

Set a reasonably high expectation for your child with the reassuring belief that they can work through it to achieve it.  Teach, model, and practice the necessary skills.  Then give them the space to experiment – to discover for themselves what works and what doesn’t.  Celebrate challenges and foster a “can do” spirit.  Remember the saying, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going!” and put it into practice.

2. View failure not as a character flaw or a personal loss, but rather as a lesson to be learned from – a valuable clue or hint guiding you towards your ultimate success.

Children don’t need to be threatened, name-called, or shamed by mistakes, but neither does it serve to let them walk away from defeats so easily.  Effective parents, like coaches or personal trainers, know they need to sometimes pull a child through what looks like an impossible setback, often occurring just before the moment of breakthrough to a higher level of functioning.

3. Praise effort, not ability.  As Carol Dweck’s rich program of research shows, when kids perform well on a difficult task and are congratulated for their ability (“You must be smart at this.”), they are LESS likely to want to try more difficult tasks in the future.  They are afraid of giving up the prestige of being identified with a seemingly fixed character trait (“being smart”).  But when kids are praised for their efforts (“You must have worked really hard.”), they are MORE likely to pursue and succeed at even more difficult tasks.

These children understand that they can effect change and accomplish greater things by exerting more effort, by persisting.  They look forward to challenges not as some threat to their integrity, but as a golden opportunity to grow.

4. Practice makes progress.  (Yes, if you like, perfect practice makes perfect.)  Either way, without some repetition and drill, your brain will not master the skill, and you won’t be able to perform it effortlessly and consistently.  Any top performing athlete or dancer or musician will tell you that they practice the fundamentals of their craft over and over again until they develop “motor-memory” and can do it automatically, without conscious thought.  Only then can they take their game to a higher level, where they see and make connections that others only dream of.

Modern neuroscience shows quite clearly the different brain regions that are active when novices versus experts attempt tasks in any field.  Higher-order thinking, creativity, problem-solving, and “in-the-zone” pleasures occur only after the fundamentals have become automatic.  And automaticity only occurs with focused, accurate, practice.

5. As always, start with a clear, conscious choice of loving-kindness for your children.  If you give your child guidance – both playful and stern, reassuring and challenging – while coming from an honest place of love, then your children will most surely thrive.

conscious (n.)  aware, sensible, deliberate.

consequence (n.)  result, outcome, effect.

Okay, last week you set up the situation with realistic, positive expectations, empathy, and encouragement.  Now, either your kids will respond respectfully and cooperatively, or they won’t.  Your job is to provide immediate feedback that teaches them to keep making better choices in the future.  Your leverage is in how you use consequences – either more or less effectively.

To help you do that more effectively, here’s the final 3 of our “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.”  Enjoy, and employ!

TIP #10: ENFORCEMENT – Enforce accountability with consistent limits and consequences.  To be most effective, use the 2 Critical Criteria for effective consequences.  Make sure that your consequences are (1) MEANINGFUL to your child – it really matters to them, and (2) DOABLE for you – you can and will follow through with them.

Remember, consequences always exist.  They always follow your child’s behavior whether you’re paying attention to them or not.  And they can be positive or negative.  So stop thinking just punishments.  In fact, the more you think about and talk about positive reinforcement (praise, privileges, rewards), the more cooperative and respectful your children will become.

Why?  Because we’d all rather work for a boss who is encouraging and notices what we do well and praises or rewards us for that good behavior, than a boss who never seems to notice when we do a good job, but only criticizes and corrects us, making us feel like we’re never good enough.  Hmmmm, put that way, if we filmed your parenting interactions with your child for the next week, which kind of boss do you think you’d sound more like?

You can be firm without being negative.  Be very clear, your child needs to earn privileges with respectful behaviors.  TV, computers, cell phones, social activities, bedtimes, etc. are not God-given rights!  They are privileges to be earned.  And if your child doesn’t show good effort, use respectful language, make positive behavior choices, they won’t earn those privileges they desire.  You can be very firm and clear about that.

Just don’t state it in the negative; state it more often in the positive.  Go back and read tips 9 and 10 over and over until you really get it.  And more importantly, until you’re really doing it – as consistently as possible.

TIP #11: EVALUATION – Evaluate your child’s progress with honesty and integrity.  Immediately after your child receives their consequence for their behavior – provide a little extra feedback that helps them actually learn from this experience.  Before the child can return to their daily life – before getting out of time out or resuming a certain privilege – make sure you conduct what I lovingly refer to as “the Exit Interview.”

The consequence isn’t over until your child can calmly discuss with you what happened and why.  Simply start the Exit Interview with the following question “What did you do that got you this consequence?”  Notice the powerful elegance of this question.  The focus is matter-of-factly (not accusatorially) on what behavior choice the child made in that situation – not all the external factors like how unfair and mean everyone else is.  When your child learns to recognize and accept responsibility for his or her actions, then you are well on your way to more respectful behaviors.

Once you and your child are clear on what they did that got them to this point, then ask “How did that work for you or against you?  How do you feel about it now?  Think you’d do the same thing again if you were in this situation again?  Why or why not?”

You are helping your child to learn about cause and effect, to see that their actions have meaningful consequences in life.  You are not lecturing or scolding.  You are BRIEFLY evaluating “What happened here?” for the purpose of understanding how to get along better next time around.

TIP #12: EDUCATION – Educate your kids about how they can improve.  Teach them how they can keep growing and making better choices in life.  Teach and practice with your child, role-playing or rehearsing if needed, how to cope better the next time they are in this situation.  Continue the Exit Interview with a brief, brainstorming discussion about “What could you do differently?” And get them to consider the likely consequences of several different choices (quickly weigh the pro’s and con’s). 

End the Exit Interview by securing a commitment from your child about “What will you do next time?”  Be clear about connecting the dots here – we’re talking about what will they do next time they are in a situation where you expect something (specific and realistic) and they feel differently (upset, struggling) and they need to make a smarter choice (more respectful behavior) that will lead to a more positive outcome (consequence) for them, rather than a negative one.

Finally, encourage your kiddo to “Try it and See…!”  It’s a great experiment.  We want to see if this new coping plan works better or not.  And if not, that’s okay, we’ll be right here ready to help them keep making adjustments until we find what works for them.

It all fits together – pretty cool, eh?  Yes, it takes work to establish this new way of seeing and interacting with your child.  But when you do, when these conscious ways of thinking and acting become habits, you will find much more joy in watching your children develop with their greater self-discipline, self-respect, and respect for others.

conscious (n.)  aware, sensible, deliberate.

communication (n.)  message; sharing or conveying information to another.

Last week we focused on becoming more mindful – more aware of your attitude and mindset towards teaching your kids respect.  Now let’s put those loving intentions to work.

If you want different OUTPUT from your child – you want him or her to behave more respectfully – then you’ll need to provide some different INPUT.  Let’s face it, you’ll get out of this what you put into it.  Doesn’t matter what your child’s age or difficulties might be, if you regularly practice these essential ways of being with your child, you’ll almost always see more respectful results within a couple of weeks.

So, without further ado, here are the next 3 of the “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.”  As always, remember to practice what you preach, since your actions speak louder than your words.

Tip #7: EXPECTATIONS – Expect success that is clearly defined, realistic, and optimistic. 
Don’t be vague, negative, or unrealistic.  Stop and think – what am I really expecting of my child in this situation?  Is it something I think my child really could do with his or her temperament and at this stage of development?  Is this an expectation that fits my child’s capabilities?  Am I clear on what I want (or just vague about what I don’t want)?  Am I clearly communicating what I expect to my child?  Does my child get it?  How do I know?  (Hint: Ask them.)  Don’t just expect that your child knows what you expect!

Slow down, think and talk with your child about your expectations ahead of time.  In a calm, teachable moment, discuss both your thoughts on the topic and your child’s.  Have regular little “heart to heart” chats about your values, vision, and goals for your child and family.  Let them know how you expect them to behave and why.  Clarify that these rules are there because you care and you want to teach them how to get along better with others and be happier in life.  You’re really not doing it just to make them miserable. 

Tip #8:  EMPATHY – Empathize with your child by showing a compassionate understanding of your child’s feelings and needs.  Don’t ignore or dismiss your child’s feelings in a situation and go right for behavioral control without considering what the underlying feelings are that go with the behavior.  If you ignore this step, and it’s the one parents most often forget about, you do so at your own peril.  You will find yourself in frequent “tug of war” power struggles much more.  Instead, start by joining WITH your child empathically, rather than working AGAINST your child in battles for control.

For example, don’t say “Stop being such a grump!”  Do say “I understand you feel… angry right now.”  Don’t say “I told you to turn that computer off!”  Do say “I see you really want… to keep playing that computer game.”

Simply start your commands with one sentence that shows you care about and are at least trying to understand what they’re feeling or struggling with in that moment.  Then proceed to direct them to appropriate behaviors for how to handle their feelings in socially-appropriate, parent-approved ways. 

I call this life-saving strategy “REFLECT AND REDIRECT.”  Reflect the child’s feelings or needs back to them with a statement of compassionate understanding – validate their feelings – then redirect them to what they can and should do about it.

Don’t say “I understand you feel angry, BUT you still can’t hit your sister like that.”  Do say “I understand you feel angry, AND you still need to use your words, not fists.”  Don’t say “I see you really want to keep playing, BUT you have to stop and clean up.”  Do say “I see you really want to keep playing, AND we need to clean up now.”

TIP #9: ENCOURAGEMENT – Encourage your kids to make life-enhancing choices.  Remember that your child always has a choice, whether you like it or not!  You can’t make a child behave a certain way any more than you can make a horse drink water from a trough.  You can encourage and remind and provide incentives that make it more or less likely, but you can’t totally control your child.  And let’s remind ourselves – that’s not really the goal, I hope, anyway.  Rather, the goal is to teach your child self-control.

To do that better, don’t fall into the trap of screeching “IF YOU DON’T… THEN YOU WON’T…”  Instead, try the most powerful parenting tool I know: “WHEN YOU DO… THEN YOU MAY…”  It works wonders. 

Listen to the difference between negative nagging – “If you don’t pick up your toys, you can’t go out and play” – and positive prompting – “When you pick up your toys, you may go out and play.”  Which do you think creates a more respectful and pleasant environment for your child?  Which do you think is more likely to get quicker compliance and fewer arguments? 

See, with positive prompts we are encouraging the child to focus on the solutions with us, rather than discouraging the child by focusing on the problems and punishments.  Same firm limits, just applied more strategically. 

Try these tips this week and let me know how it goes!

“Teaching Kids Respect – Part 1: Mindfulness”

By Dr. Peter Montminy

mindfulness (n.) the trait of staying aware of, or paying close attention to, your responsibilities; a mental state of calm, enhanced awareness.

respect (v.) to honor or revere; to have a good opinion of someone, and to avoid doing anything they would dislike or regard as wrong.

Many parents and teachers today complain about kids showing so little respect – to adults, to siblings and peers, and even to themselves.  Why is this?

As usual, lots of reasons, but let’s look at a few major factors.  Kids are exposed to grown up activities, language, and attitudes at younger ages, and feel entitled to “get their due” as mini-adults.  There’s been a generation of parenting more concerned with inflating a child’s self-esteem than with instilling self-discipline.  And the ever-present electronic media spreads all sorts of toxic messages like wildfire across the social landscape of kids.  They are increasingly immersed in a commercial and entertainment driven culture where conflict and crassness sells more than civility and caring.

So, what’s a conscious, caring parent to do?!  Two part answer: First, focus on the inside, your own mindset, and cultivate mental habits that will bring forth more respectful and loving parenting practices.  Second, focus on the outside, the actual interactions you have with your children.  Be conscious of your inner thoughts and your outward actions with your kids, and this will lead you all to a path of more respectful relationships.

Of course, the bottom line is you have to give respect to get respect.  So let’s explore some practical ways to do that.  I’ve developed the TOP 12 TIPS for TEACHING KIDS RESPECT based on over 20 years of clinical practice with many distressed families.  Let’s look at the first 6 tips, focusing on mental mindset, today (and the remaining 6 tips, focusing on conscious actions, next week).

Tip #1:  AWARENESS – Be aware of individual differences.  Recognize that all kids – and parents! – have unique personality styles, strengths, and needs.  Be keenly aware of your child’s temperament (high activity or low, slow or quick to warm up to others, flexible or rigid, intuitive or methodical, impulsive or inhibited, highly sensitive or not, high or low frustration tolerance, auditory or visual learner, etc.) – and yours.  Think “How are we the same?  How are we different?” and “So what?”

Appreciate diversity, and don’t expect your kids to deal with life the same way you do, or even the same as their brothers or sisters.  When you keep this in mind, you can more easily find the energy to adapt your parenting style to meet your child’s needs in the most constructive way.  That is, you’ll be better able to get through to your child and help them develop the respectful behaviors you want them to.

Tip #2:  ATTRIBUTIONS – Understand what the major factors are that contribute to your child’s functioning.  Remember there is rarely a single cause of your child’s behavior.  There is no “silver bullet” or “magic solution” that will cure disrespect.  But if you’re paying attention to what the major causes are, and how they interact, you can better guide your child’s emotional and moral development.

The major factors to consider include 1) personal characteristics (biological temperament and psychological “thoughts and feelings” filters), 2) interpersonal interactions (the expectations and consequences you apply to your kids, and how you communicate them), and 3) the environmental circumstances (the stressors and supports that surround the family). 

When considering why your child is behaving that way, keep in mind these factors, and have them lead you to more practical solutions for improving your child’s behaviors.

Tip #3:  ACCEPTANCE – Accept the current reality, and stay focused on what you can control or change.  Recognize that in any situation, there are things you can control and things you can’t.  Accept your limitations, rather than worrying about those things you can’t really do much about, and this will free up your energy to focus on more constructive solutions.

Remember, what you focus on, grows!  Focus your energy, thoughts, conversations, and efforts on what you can control.  Think “Here’s something I can do about it now.”

Tip #4: ATTITUDE – Live each day with a positive, loving attitude and lots of positive energy.  If you don’t fill up your spiritual, mental, and physical gas tanks, you’re running on empty and unable to give your kids the good, positive parenting that will yield the results you want.  Remember, you reap what you sow. 

So, commit to at least 30-minutes a day for self-care and rejuvenation.  That’s only 3 hours out of 168 hours in a week.  The rest of the world will keep functioning, and everyone else’s needs can get met, in the other 165, honest!  Make a conscious choice about caring for yourself first, so you can have more of the positive energy you and your kids deserve.

Tip #5: ATTENTION – Pay attention to building your child’s self-discipline and self-respect, not just self-esteem.  As Jill Rigby points out in her book “Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World” this is an important distinction.  When we worry too much about building up our child’s self-esteem, we often inadvertently give a child a false sense of their own importance and entitlement.

If you focus on developing self-respect instead of self-esteem in your child, you’ll find that you’re dealing with more gratitude than greed, more humility than arrogance, more confidence than insecurity, more perseverance than futility, more contentment than discontentment, more others-centeredness than self-centeredness, and someone who is more well-mannered than ill-mannered

Tip #6: ACCOUNTABILITY – Be empathic to your children’s feelings AND still hold them firmly accountable for their behaviors.  I call this the “Goldilocks Parenting Rule.”  Not too hot, not too cool – not too hard, not too soft.  Always guide your child using a balance of compassionate understanding along with firm and fair expectations and consequences.

Next week, we’ll take a closer look at how to put those firm, fair expectations and consequences into action. 

Meanwhile, remember to remember these six mental mindset tips. 

Be mindful of your:
- Assumptions – Do I recognize and respect individual differences?
- Attributions – Do I know where my kid is coming from?
- Acceptance – Am I accepting reality and only focusing on what I can do?
- Attitude – Am I staying recharged with positive energy and optimism?
- Attention – Am I more focused on developing self-discipline or self-esteem?
- Accountability – Do I balance loving nurturance with firm limits?

There are two main factors you’ll want to keep in mind when choosing consequences to eliminate the daily power struggles you face with a defiant child.

First, let me ask you a seemingly silly question.  Do you believe that in the end, good triumphs over evil?  That the forces of love are stronger than hate?  That positive attention and affection is a more powerful motivator than negative attention and criticism?  How about the old saying, “You can attract more flies with honey than vinegar?”  Well, we don’t really want more flies (or ladybugs!) around, I guess, but hopefully you’re getting my point.

The number one thing you can do to decrease defiant behaviors in children is to “catch ‘em being good!”  Find the little things they’re doing right, and praise it, nurture it, encourage it, compliment it.  Show your child that you notice not just when things go wrong, not just when he or she makes a mistake, but when they make good choices too. Notice and reinforce their positive efforts, maybe not perfect, but in the right direction.  Blow on these sparks of goodness, and you’ll eventually ignite a shining fire of self-worth and self-control in your child.

Research has shown that behavior change occurs best when we use a ratio of positive to negative consequences that is at least 4:1.  Think about it.  Which teacher or boss did you want to work harder for, the one who noticed and complimented your positive efforts while occasionally giving you critical feedback, or the one who only seemed to notice when you screwed up or always kept telling you how you needed to improve?

Pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth tonight when talking to your child.  Count how many times you give your son or daughter positive versus negative feedback.  If you’re honest and attentive, you’ll likely have an eye-opening experience.

Want more positive output from your child?  Start providing more positive input.  It has to be genuine, and it has to be earned.  No false praise.  And no back-handed compliments.  But find something positive to celebrate in your child, and keep letting them know about it!

(If you find this difficult to do, you may need help recharging your own batteries or looking at your child from a different point of view.  Don’t hesitate to get the help you and your child deserve.)

Second, I want to introduce you to the “Law of Minimum Reinforcement.”  Simply stated, you want to do as little as you need to, to get the desired result.  Use whatever you need to, in order to get your child to listen.  But don’t use any more than you need to!  Let’s take a closer look.

I’ve developed the “5 P’s of Positive Reinforcement” that put this law into practice.  Picture the rungs of a ladder, and we’re going to start on the bottom rung (#1) and work our way up (to #5), ONLY AS NEEDED, to get the desired result.  At each level, if you’re not getting the results you want to see in your child, then move up to the next rung on the ladder.

1. Pride. Your child does what he or she needs to on his or her own.  The child feels good inside about doing the right thing.  He or she has internalized our expectations and standards, and has good self-control.“Wow, that must feel good inside!”
   

2. Praise. Child responds well to positive attention and praise for doing a good job.“I really like how you remembered to clean out your lunch box – great helping!”

3. Privileges. Child listens and behaves well in order to earn daily privileges that he enjoys.“You got ready for bed so quickly and nicely tonight – let’s have an extra bedtime story!”

4. Prizes. Child cooperates to earn a special reward or prize.“Nice job keeping your hands to yourself and not whining while mommy was shopping – you may pick out a candy bar!”

5. Points. Child is motivated to earn points towards rewards.“Good job getting all dressed this morning on time, you earned another sticker on your chart.  Four more and we go to Chuckie Cheese!”

Eventually, when you’re child is successfully responding more the way you want, you can start moving back down the ladder, gradually fading the amount of structured feedback you need to provide, and leading your child to more independent, respectful functioning in the world.  It really can happen, with patience and persistence.

You want your daughter to finish her homework, your son to clean up his room, and both of them to stop complaining whenever you ask them to do something.  You’re tired of the daily arguments and endless nagging that it takes to get things done.  Why can’t they just do as they’re told?!

You’ve tried yelling and screaming, bribing and cajoling, but nothing seems to work – not for very long, anyway.  What’s a caring parent to do?

Well, if you’ve been practicing our strategies from the last article on defiant behaviors (http://www.kidstepcoaching.com/ezine/issue3.html), you’re now clearly communicating realistic expectations to your kids, empathizing with their emotional struggles, and encouraging them to make positive behavior choices.  You’ve set them up for success – giving clear, positive directions for how to comply with your expectations even when they don’t feel like it!

Whatever the target behavior is – doing that homework on time, cleaning that room without the attitude – your kids have a choice.  They can comply and cooperate respectfully or they can defy and argue disrespectfully.   They can meet your expectations or not.

Every behavior has a consequence to it, whether we’re aware of it or not, and that consequence can be either positive or negative.  Reset your mind on this important point – consequences are not just punishments, they include rewards, too.  We want to be sure that positive consequences consistently follow your child’s positive behaviors and negative consequences follow negative behaviors.

When your child has made his or her behavior choice – then it’s time for you to respond and follow through as effectively as possible.  It’s payoff time.

As a conscious, caring parent, you want to provide incentives to your child that help them make positive, pro-social choices – both at home and school.  You don’t want to see them stuck in a downward spiral of increasingly negative, anti-social behaviors.  And you don’t want to be using ineffective or inconsistent consequences.

So here’s how you can deliver consequences that motivate your child to comply more with your requests, rather than defy your authority.  Here are 3 key steps to raising a more respectful child.

1.    Enforce limits with effective consequences. Be firm, fair, and fast.  Make sure you deliver on the goods you said you would – whether reward or punishment.  Have the consequence occur as soon after the behavior as possible – within hours (eg., computer privileges following homework) or days (eg., social privileges following clean room).  Be brief, not prolonged – lasting hours  just for tonight) or days (grounded for the weekend), rather than weeks or months.

And be sure to apply my “2 Critical Criteria for Effective Consequences.”  Before applying any consequences, stop and ask yourself these two questions: “Is it MEANINGFUL for my child?” and “Is it DOABLE for the adult?”  An effective incentive has to be something your child really likes and wants, and therefore is willing to change his or her behavior to get it (or dislikes it so much, they’re willing to change their behavior to avoid it).  But your consequences aren’t going to be totally effective unless you are ready, willing, and able to follow through with them, too.  They have to fit your values, your schedule, and your budget.

These guiding principles are universal, but applying them to your child and situation takes some more careful consideration.  In my coaching programs, we figure out how to tailor make the right fit for your particular child’s temperament, development, and environment.

2.    Evaluate your child’s progress – with your child. Most behavior management programs for dealing with disruptive behaviors stop with the immediate consequences we discussed above.  But you’re going to turbo charge the power of your consequences if you continue on with these two additional steps that we use in our family coaching programs – Evaluate and Educate!

When your child makes respectful, responsible choices, it helps to point out to the child that you noticed how well that worked, or better yet, ask them how well that worked for them.  When you make your child more self-aware of their choices and how they turn out, you help your child develop more self-control and self-discipline.  This is our true desired outcome, isn’t it?

When your child makes poor or inappropriate choices, you’ll want to apply those “meaningful and doable” negative consequences (usually withdrawing some privilege).  Then, before re-instating the privilege or letting the child out of Time-Out, use this handy “Exit Interview.”  Ask your child a few simple questions to increase self-awareness: “What did you do that got you this (punishment)?”  “How did that choice work for you or against you?”  “How do you feel about it?”  “Want to make the same choice next time?”

Again, the timing and technique of this varies by child and parent, but the principle is the same – help your children reflect on their choices and see how those choices are connected to the results, or consequences, they get.  This helps reduce the “externalizing blame” game that kids often play – blaming their getting in trouble on everything but their own actions or reactions.

3.    Educate your child about success plans. Discipline comes from the same Latin root word as disciple – meaning “instruction” – teaching and learning.  After all these careful set-up and follow-through steps, ultimately you want your child to learn from their mistakes, to change their behaviors, and to grow into a respectful, cooperative human being.

The whole point of effective discipline is to “teach your child a lesson.”  Now, that doesn’t mean getting into a battle of wills to show him who’s boss.  Hopefully, it really means that you want to teach your kids how to make better choices so they can get along better with others and be happier in life.

To complete the feedback loop that will empower your child to be more respectful, you’ll want to complete the “Exit Interview” in a calm and supportive manner.  Discuss two more points with your child until he or she can answer both with confidence – “What could you do differently when you’re in this situation again?” and “What will you do next time?”

Be sure to brainstorm several possibilities first, and consider their pros and cons, before having your child select a strategy that he or she likes best.  That increases awareness of different alternatives, rather than keeping your child trapped in narrow-minded, habitual reactions.  And it increases your child’s investment in actually using the coping plan if he or she has made their own conscious choice, rather than being told what to do.

Always end your brief discussion of your children’s choices with hope and encouragement.  You might end with my favorite words, “OK, try it and see, and let me know how it goes.  I bet you can do this, and I’m eager to see how it works for you.  When you do that (positive behavior choice) more, Then you’ll be able to enjoy more (positive consequences).  I’m rooting for you!  Love you, now let’s get back out there and have some fun!”

I know a mom and dad (do you?) who are fed up with their son’s constant arguing and negotiating over every little thing.  Getting through each day has become a struggle.

Whether it’s getting out the door in the morning, or getting the homework done each night, or getting the trash taken out, or getting to bed on time – there’s increasingly some discussion, debate, or disagreement.  And they feel like they’re always walking on eggshells, waiting for the next emotional explosion that seems to come out of nowhere.  It’s just plain exhausting.  They keep thinking “Why can’t he just do as he’s told – without all the attitude and backtalk?”

Sometimes it’s in your face defiance “no, you can’t make me!” Sometimes it’s more subtle, with eye-rolls and angry muttering “hey, was that a swear word I just heard?” Sometimes its that he just ignores or avoids what he’s supposed to do altogether – “no mom, I just forgot, jeeze, get off my back!”

These parents love their son.  They want to have more fun, not all this feuding and fighting.  There’s got to be a better way…

First step in making a child behave better is to accept the fact that you can’t make him (or her) behave better.  Remember, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.  The horse, excuse me, your child always has a choice!  It’s his/her behavior, not ours.  We don’t have total control.  As parents, we don’t get all the blame or the credit.  But we have some of it.  So the key is to figure out what part is ours.  What can we do that will make it more likely that our children will make better behavior choices – ones that are more consistent with our values, more socially appropriate, more respectful.

Why do we even care about this?  Because without being able to control their tempers, to comply with rules, to meet expectations and follow directions, our kids are not going to get very far in this world.  And they’re not going to be very happy campers.  And of course, as long as they’re living at home, we’re not going to be very happy either.

So, let’s consider what you as a parent can do to decrease the frequency and intensity of defiant behaviors in your child.  Basically, there are two ways you can most effectively intervene.  You can change how you talk to your child ahead of time – how you set them up for success, and you can control how you respond to them afterwards – how you follow through with effective consequences (or not).

In between, your child always has a choice.  He or she can make a positive, appropriate behavior choice or a negative, inappropriate one.  It’s up to them.  We’re just going to stack the deck – with loving, caring intentions – so the odds are they’ll increasingly want to make the better choice.

When you accept the reality of who has what responsibility here, you’ll be less tense, anxious, and angry.  And you’ll be able to clearly focus on the parenting strategies that give you the best chance for raising a more respectful, caring, and cooperative child.

Today we’ll look at what you can do ahead of time – before the child reacts to your requests with either angry arguments or calm compliance.  Which do you want more of?  Assuming it’s the latter, then here’s the basics that you want to start practicing today:

1. Expect success for your child. Set expectations that are specific, positive, and realistic.  When you just tell your child to “be more responsible” or “watch that attitude” or “just shape up”, we’re not really being very helpful.  Define in simple terms what you really want the child to do, as in “When I ask you to do something, I expect you to look up at me, answer me politely, and discuss nicely when or how you’re going to do it.”  (You’ll have to consistently enforce this for it to become a reality, of course, and we’ll discuss how to do that next time.)

And make sure you’ve set the bar at a level your child can realistically do.  How will you know?  Ask yourself, not what he “should” be doing, but what “could” he being doing – successfully on his own.  Break down your expectations into manageable chunks, and give more limited, specific instructions.  Once that’s done successfully, add the next step, and the next.  Or raise the bar incrementally as you see your child can handle it.

If in doubt, discuss with your child ahead of time, what he thinks he can do and practice how he will do it.  Remember, we’re not trying to trick the child or frustrate him or her – or us.  We’re trying to come up with realistic expectations that can be followed through on successfully.

2.    Empathize with your child’s feelings. Your child isn’t arguing just to be jerk – though I know it can feel that way sometimes.  That arguing is there for a reason – perhaps to gain some sense of control, to vent angry or hurt feelings, to avoid some unpleasant event, to cover up feelings of inadequacy, to right some perceived injustice, or just to try to get something they really want.

Parents often go straight to tug-of-war arguments with their kids about the behavior that they need to do or stop doing, preferably right now!  Instead, pause for just a minute and reflect on how the child is feeling – what are they struggling with, what are they desiring here.  Then share a simple, empathic sentence of understanding to let them know you care.

Again, this isn’t a trick.  You really do care about your child’s feelings, don’t you?  Then show it.  It will empower you – and your child – to cope with the underlying feeling or need, resolve it, and move forward to accomplish the task at hand more quickly and cooperatively.

Before dismissing the child’s arguments and just demanding they do what they’re told, add this sentence first, “I understand you want to keep playing, and we still need to clean up for bed now.”  Or “I see you’re pretty mad about this, let’s take a break for a minute to calm down, then we’ll figure out what to do.”

3.    Encourage your child with positive prompts, not negative nagging. The vast majority of parental commands to kids are negative, as in, “Don’t do that…” or “Stop it…” or “If you don’t (get your work done, finish your vegetables, stop talking back…), Then you won’t (get to watch TV, get dessert, be able to go out this weekend…).”

Some of this is unavoidable, even necessary.  But if 80% of what comes out of your mouth sounds like this (let’s be honest with ourselves!), what do you think your child hears?  Nag, nag, nag – until they either tune you out or start to fight back.

The preventative solution here is to be mindful of the words we say to out kids.  When we can make 80% of our directions positive and encouraging, by focusing on the “DO” behaviors rather than the “DON’T” behaviors, then we’ll get much more positive responses from our children.  Notice how different this sounds, “When you’ve finished and shown me your work, then you can watch your favorite show – I hope you can!”  or “When you remember to talk to me with calm, polite words about this, then we’ll see if you can go out this weekend.”

Makes sense, but this one habit is often the hardest one for parents to change.  It’s also the single biggest, most powerful parenting tool I know.  So practice more positive, encouraging directions with your kids this week – preferably ones that are realistic for them and take into consideration their feelings along the way.  And let me know how it goes!

Q: Is there a way to counteract ADHD without meds? We are having some issues arise with our son that are clearly out of his control, yet not within the parameters of what we will allow.  We are against meds, so any diet changes, vitamin supplements, or behavioral suggestions you could give would be welcome!

A: If your son has ADHD, he has a neurological deficit in his ability to sustain attention to dull, tedious tasks, delay gratification, and inhibit his impulses.  He may know what the right thing to do is, but have trouble doing it consistently in the moment.  Simply put, it’s hard for his racing mind to stop and think before he acts.  So, how best to help him manage this neurological condition?  A few, brief rules of thumb to guide you on your search for solutions.

First, know that carefully controlled research studies have generally not shown any significant effects for diet changes or vitamin supplements on ADHD symptoms.  Nonetheless, individuals may have idiosyncratic responses to such changes and might benefit from them.  It’s just important to recognize that your odds are longer at finding a solution based on these areas, and your resources might be better spent elsewhere.

Of course, good sleep, nutrition, and exercise are essential ingredients for ANY child to be able to stay alert, focused, in a better mood, and better able to engage in academic or social activities.  So, paying attention to these things is certainly important to your child’s well-being, but it probably won’t “cure the ADHD.”

Second, it is important to know that relatively safe, effective medications have been developed that improve the functioning of the part of the brain that is directly responsible for sustained attention and impulse control.  Considering medications is both a medical decision and a family value decision, and I always respect a family’s personal values on this issue.  Still, I would encourage you to keep an open mind and to make a well-informed decision that fits your child’s needs best.  I’ve seen meds terribly misused in kids, and I’ve seen kids struggle terribly for a long time, only to find that the right medicine was the missing ingredient to help them do what they wanted to, but just couldn’t before.

Third, with or without meds or supplements, your child will benefit most from a carefully planned and well maintained behavior management program (such as the “Getting Your Kids to Listen” program).  The key ingredients for a child with ADHD are the same as for other children, except that you must provide feedback that is even more FREQUENT and more CONSISTENT.  High frequency, low intensity reminders and rewards are your best bet for providing the external structure that your child craves and needs, even if he doesn’t say so.  That is,

• set clear, doable mini-goals for your child several times a day,
  
• offer frequent focused encouragement about what specifically to do, and
  
• provide frequent reinforcement for a job well done (or even a good attempt!).

Positive reinforcement may include praise, privileges, or prizes, depending on what works for your son and you at this point in time.  Know that you will probably have to “rotate the reward menu” on a regular basis to keep your child’s variable attention and motivation engaged.

Fourth, don’t forget to focus on your son’s strengths – for his sake and yours!  It’s no fun for anyone to keep being faced with their shortcomings everyday.  There is another way to look at it.  Kids with ADHD are often spontaneous, creative, intuitive and fun-loving.  They don’t dwell on their problems.  They’re lively, enthusiastic doers who jump right in and aren’t afraid to take risks.  Celebrate your child’s strengths and positive aspects of his personality.  Give him a chance to shine with what he’s good at, in areas that he enjoys, as much as possible.  This will give him the self-confidence and self-worth that he’ll need to overcome life’s challenges.

For more on this strengths-based approach, read Lara Honos-Webb’s “The Gift of ADHD” or Ed Hallowell’s new book, “SuperParenting for ADD”.  And check out the exciting new retreat program for teens with ADHD that I’m thrilled to be a part of, at www.ADDStudentLeadership.org.

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