Ten years ago, on an early September morning much like this one, I was getting ready for work with my TODAY Show companions Matt and Katie chattering away in the background.  I’d just returned from getting my children off to school – 8th, 6th, and 3rd grades.  My wife, 7 months pregnant, was already at the office, managing our small family-owned business.

Life was plugging along, pretty much mindlessly for me.  Then it all changed.

The chattering on the TV turned serious, concerned, confused.  I sat down, paying full attention, and watched incredulously as it all changed.

The north tower of the World Trade Center was on fire, and it was pretty scary.  Fifteen minutes later, I watched in disbelief as the second plane flew into the south tower, and it was totally surreal.  Then I heard about the third hitting the Pentagon, and the fourth spiraling out of control nearby in rural central Pennsylvania.  All hell was breaking loose, and I’ll never forget the feeling of complete uncertainty and helplessness.

Everyone has had their own journey.  Everyone is healing in their own way.  And we are all doing so, together.

Ten years hence, I thank God for the gift of another day.  And for the joy and pain of raising three children from elementary school to college, alongside the pain and joy of raising another from birth to the start of fourth grade this week.

Amazing grace indeed, this circle of life (which includes the mysteries of death).

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  I don’t know what the next moment will bring.

I am aware, in this moment, that I am eternally grateful for this life, and for all those who have shared the journey with me.

I am aware, in this moment, that I am hopeful and enthusiastic about our future together.  I believe our divinely-inspired, compassionate humanity will prevail.  I choose to believe that.

And I will continue in my daily work to shine that light of love wherever I can.  Even as I do so as a perfectly imperfect human being.

Today, in this moment, I simply wanted to share a heartfelt wish from my family’s faith:

May the Peace of God be with you.

Wherever you are, however you spend this weekend – may Peace be with you.

We’ve all been there: “We all make mistakes.”  It’s easy for us to say those comforting words – to be compassionate and forgiving – when we see someone else’s kid really mess up.  But how do we handle it when it’s one of our own?  With the same loving kindness and wisdom?

We do all make mistakes, especially our children who are growing up trying to figure out what’s right, what’s wrong, and what they want to do about it.  These moment-to-moment choices ultimately determine where they fit in and who they are.  Our children grow from being naïve, immature pre-schoolers to more aware, mature decision-making pre-adults.  Hopefully.

Are you Laughing-Out-Loud?  If your child has gotten to the teen years yet, or even the tween years, you probably are.  Or you’re rolling your eyes.  Or you’re holding your breath.

It’s so challenging nowadays for both parents and kids to get through the journey from childhood to adulthood without facing some major mistakes and set-backs along the way.  There are just too many challenges, temptations, stressors, and plain bad influences surrounding them at every turn – online and off.

Yes, kids make mistakes.  Big ones.  We’re talking cheating, stealing, or lying.  Physically fighting, bullying or harassing others, vulgar or hurtful gossiping, vengeful acts, self-mutilation.  Drinking, smoking weed, snorting worse, having sex – unsafe or otherwise.  Violating some important family value or social norm.  Making some serious errors of judgment that negatively affect them or those around them.

And sometimes they get caught up in a peer group where these choices get reinforced, glorified, vilified, and amplified, especially in today’s social media world.  Before your child knows it, a single action can get perversely distorted as it spreads like wildfire across the facebook, twitter, and texting landscape of tweens and teens.  Your child gets to relive his or her mistake over and over, and others do too, until a reputation can be built up or broken down in a heartbeat.

What’s a well-meaning parent (or teacher or counselor or coach) to do?  As Winston Churchill said, “All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them.”  How do you help your child get through these growing up mistakes so that they really do learn from them, grow stronger from them?

I’ve developed a protocol over the years for older children and adolescents to go through with a parent (or counselor) when they’ve made a major life mistake – or even a series of them.  It’s called “Resetting Your Compass.”

First, when you discover the bad news about the bad choices your child has made, collect yourself.  Literally take some deep breaths, and spend a few minutes or hours reflecting on what you know, what you don’t know, and how you feel.  Get centered on what you really want your child to learn from this experience – what are the solutions to whatever problems or challenges your child was facing at the time, and how do you hope your child will change for the better as you move forward.  Get the facts first, as clearly as possible – while accepting the fact that you’ll never know all the facts for sure anyway!  But don’t dwell on the past and “why’s,” focus on the future and “how’s.”

As soon as you’ve collected your thoughts and emotions, and done likewise with your spouse or co-parent, then schedule a quiet time and place to sit down with your child to discuss (a) what happened, (b) why, and (c) so what?

The “so what?” part is ultimately the part that matters most. As in, so what do we do now (consequences, restitution, remediation) and what do we do differently moving forward.  Accept that everyone at the table has a responsibility for the problem and the solution.  Discuss how you will guide and supervise your child (and his/her peers) moving forward.  And elicit from your child how he/she will be making smarter choices, even in the face of temptation or adversity, moving forward.

To help with this part, I’ve developed the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire that helps your child review their Big Mistake(s) in terms of where they were coming from, where they are now, and where they’re heading.

I strongly recommend that part of the immediate consequence for your tween or teen is to take this “take home test” seriously.  After your first big sit-down discussion with your child about what happened and what do we do now, let him/her know that this discussion has been “Part 1” of several healing steps you are going to guide your child through, to see that he/she regroups, recovers, and grows stronger from this experience.

The second step is for your teen or tween to take this questionnaire with them (electronic or paper copy) and spend a week reflecting on their answers, and writing them down.  Give the child a week to read, pray, think, discuss with whomever they want whatever they want to about these questions.  But mostly you want them to look inward, not outward, for their answers.  It’s often good to encourage them to read some relevant, inspirational book or passages (yes, hand them to them!) or maybe watch a relevant movie with a moral, to help prime the pump.

Anyway, then they must write or type or dictate their answers to each question, and bring their written responses to the next meeting with you.

Let them know that the writing part is for them only – to promote introspection and honesty with themselves – you will not read the written answers.  But you will look to see that they wrote at least several sentences for each question.  Why?  We want them to go deeply here, not superficially.  You’re using this process for the big mistakes, not the little ones, and we want them to have a big learning experience, hopefully a big change of heart.  That only comes with thoughtful reflection and some extra work.

In your second meeting a week later, ask your son or daughter to summarize their answers to you, to tell you about what they’ve learned, what they really think or feel, how they really want to live their life, and what they need (from themselves, you, and others) to succeed at living that life.  How do they intend to move forward, being their best self, even in the face of a tempting, pressuring, crazy world out there.

Let them know you’re there for them, always, with love.  And limits.  And be sure to follow-up regularly with observations, comments, and questions about these matters.  It’s not a one-time deal, it’s about ongoing support and guidance.

For those of you motivated enough to get to the end of this article, feel free to use the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire as a tool towards self-discovery and healing. It’s here for you at no charge (at www.kidstepcoaching.com/compass) – for whenever you or your child makes a big mistake.

Be one of the wise ones – learn from it.  And keep on growing.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Serenity… May I find the peace of mind to know I’ve done the best I could, and that is enough. To know that I’ve loved each of my children with all my heart, sought what was best for each with pure intentions, and made decisions with a clear mind and caring spirit.

May I accept that I cannot control them, but only guide them.  I cannot decide for them, but only with them.  May I accept who they are becoming with an open heart, open mind, and always open arms.  And may they accept me for who I am, the principles I’ve stood for, the values I’ve sought to impart – even as they shape their own destinies.

Courage… May I feel the loving grace of God within me, bringing me peace as I face the stress and strain of daily life.  And may that loving light shine through me, offering a beacon of hope to my children during their times of struggle.  After hardships, may we experience the healing touch of forgiveness, and the cleansing joy of laughter.

May I not dwell on the past with regrets, but be fully present and open to the gifts of today.  Help me to face life’s challenges head-on with honesty, integrity, and humility.   And may I find the strength to always act according to my convictions, so my children will know how to face the winds of adversity.

Wisdom… May I know when to push and when to let go.  When to be firm, and when to set them free.  May I genuinely seek first to understand, then to be understood.  May I enjoy the blessings of a well-tuned ear, an open yet discerning mind, and the ability to speak my truth both directly and compassionately.

May each of these gifts bring the blessings of respect, resilience, and rejoicing to my family – and to all the families I may meet along the way.

It’s the holiday season and the end of the year.  A time for celebration and reflection.  Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa – celebrations all about bringing light and love back into the world.

In our house we enjoy many Christmas traditions, ones that strengthen our family bonds across the generations and across the miles.  Our children, some grown now and some still growing, all look forward to coming together every Christmas to repeat rituals that we’ve received from grandparents, that we’ve created ourselves over the years, and that we look forward to passing on to our grandchildren someday.

Christmas eve begins with the annual family photo in front of the tree before we head off to church services (where my wife takes her beautiful singing voice out of hiding to join in the Christmas Choir concert).  We come home to a fancy candle-lit dinner of seafood newburg and asparagus, before changing into comfy pajamas for our sacred bedtime routine.

The whole family piles onto the living room couch (increasingly challenging over the years!). Mom reads the kids the bible story of Jesus’s birth, and our youngest places the baby Jesus in the manger of the crèche scene.  Then Dad reads “Twas the Night Before Christmas” to the kids (just like my dad did every year), and we all hang our stockings over the fireplace.

The kids have written Santa a letter, and put it out with the milk and cookies, along with carrots for the reindeer.  (Morning will undoubtedly reveal missing carrots, an empty glass, and cookie crumbs – a sure sign that a certain gift-giving elf had indeed visited in the night.)  Then they head into bedrooms with closed doors for their own little sibling rituals that they’ve created on their own over the years, before drifting off to sleep.

Christmas morning begins with our four children on the stairwell, singing a hearty rendition of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas!” to awaken their bleary-eyed parents.  We join the kids and all head into the living room together to see if St. Nicholas has blessed the children with gifts for being “nice” this year.  They typically discover one unwrapped gift from Santa that they play with for a bit, before emptying their treat-filled stockings, then opening a few wrapped “Santa gifts” and enjoying those awhile.

We feast on a delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon, tangerines, and the holiday homemade breads from recipes handed down over several generations (date nut, cranberry, banana).  Then we go back into the living room to give each other family gifts – always giving from youngest to oldest (don’t ask me why!).  Finally, we open cards and packages from relatives and friends.

We savor each of these little rituals, taking most of the day, and staying in our pajamas the whole time – just playing and resting and snacking on treats.  No formal dinner, so Mom can enjoy the day with the kids without so much time in the kitchen.    As dusk arrives, I always take a couple-hour hike up and around our mountain woods – enjoying the gift of God’s natural world regardless of the weather.  Phone calls to family far away, and more enjoyment of new games, books, or movies complete the evening, before falling asleep by the fire listening to a special recording of Dylan Thomas’s “A Child’s Christmas in Wales” narrated by a favorite uncle.

Interestingly, the specific details seem to matter even more to our kids as they get older, wanting to keep a cherished portion of their childhood alive – living and breathing and continuing.  We all want to know that our family – with all its imperfections and struggles, still means something.  And that something is a sense of belonging.  It’s security and support, undying loyalty and acceptance – regardless of circumstances or dispositions.  It’s love, pure and simple.  And it endures.  Our holiday rituals help cement this important value into our hearts as well as our memory banks.

My holiday wish for you this year is to be mindful of your family traditions.  Enjoy and cherish them. Keep them alive – with a twist.  Be sure to incorporate change as part of your traditions, to allow room for your family to grow and breathe and thrive.  Perhaps consciously choose to do one little thing new or different each year, or make the conscious choice to accept a change that has been given to you.

Our children are precious gifts of love, and they will always continue to grow and change.  Just as we have left the nest of our parent’s homes, but have carried favorite traditions and fond memories with us, let us give that same gift to our children – with grace.  Let us rejoice both in keeping our family traditions alive, and in being alive to new opportunities for sweet, shared memories yet to come.

In so doing, we honor the true meaning of all the world’s religious and cultural practices this time of year – finding the light of love in the darkness of winter, and celebrating the gift of life prevailing.

What do parenting our kids, weekend backpacking trips, and launching a national coaching practice have in common?  A lot!

Hannah's first backpacking adventure begins.

This Labor Day weekend, my wife Mary and I took our youngest daughter Hannah on her first backpacking trip. Like her three older siblings, Hannah has camped with us often.  But this is the first time she’s gotten to experience what its like to be completely away from familiar comforts and travel into the great unknown with everything riding, quite literally, on your shoulders.

As we enjoyed – and endured – our weekend jaunt up and down Pennsylvania’s rocky Mid-State Trail, I found myself reflecting on the similarities between this adventure and the bigger, professional one I’m now undertaking.  I also easily recognized how the lessons we were learning on this wilderness hike were directly relevant to the challenges parents face with their kids every day.

Consider these parenting tips inspired by the gift of a walk in the woods…

1. Life is an adventure with many twists and turns.  You can’t ever know exactly where you’re going to end up, but it still makes sense to set your eyes on a goal.  Give yourself a clear direction to head. Make a conscious choice where you want to be with your family at the end of the year or the end of the day. Help your child set realistic goals that are suited for their temperament and developmental level.   Then, set out with a positive “CAN DO!” attitude, excited about getting to that next peak.

2. Along the way, the key is to know that the map is not the territory.  You will follow your map as best you can, but you need to keep looking up and around you to see the real life that is before you. Enjoy the journey, and the views, as you go – even when you may not be quite sure where you are.  Trust that a higher power is watching over you, and that you are just exactly where you need to be.

3. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Focus on the next step in front of you, visualizing it, taking it, completing it.  That is how we reach our goals – whether on the side of a mountain or in the middle of a test at school or getting those chores done at home.  What’s the old saying – success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration?  We can’t get to where we want to go if we don’t take patient and persistent action.  Keep your feet moving, and soon you’ll reach your destination.  Sit still and think about it or complain about it, and you’re not getting any closer to putting those miles behind you!

4. Realize that it takes teamwork to succeed.  We can’t make it through life completely on our own without getting bogged down by the heavy load or overwhelmed by the obstacles ahead.  Appreciate that as a family, you are inter-dependent on one another, and on a community of support all around you.  Appreciate each person’s strengths and what they can contribute to the effort. Everyone can pitch in somehow.  Also, accept each person’s limitations – your child’s, your spouse’s, your own.  Be respectful of these differences, and you’ll enjoy the journey a whole lot more.

5. Mistakes happen.  Things won’t always go according to plan.  You’ll miss a turn that you should’ve taken, lose your place, get frustrated or scared, second guess yourself, and perhaps lose your temper a bit (yes, all part of our backpacking trip!).  What to do? As I remind parents and kids every day in my coaching programs, and as I practice myself in my best moments –  ”STOP, RELAX, & THINK!”  No sense running (or hiking) around in circles. We’ve only got one choice when things go bad – we can either make them worse or better.  So try it – Stop to regain perspective, relax and calm down, then start problem-solving with a clear and level head.

6. Celebrate your successes.  Too often we check something off our list and hurry on to the next item, then the next, then add another, and so on.  We keep looking at what we have yet to accomplish, rather than appreciating what we have already done.  It feels SO good to do something you didn’t know if you could really do.  When you get through a life challenge or a daily hassle, pause to reflect on just that. Celebrate what you and your child have done.  Laugh, praise, dance, acknowledge – loudly or softly – it doesn’t matter. But always lovingly.  Celebrate, with true love and joy, the labors you have endured together.

My very best wishes to you and your family as you end the summer and begin your new school year journey.  I look forward to traveling together in the days ahead to make each trip for our kids a more successful and enjoyable one.

Cheers,

- Dr. Peter