You’ve heard all about getting dialed back to a reasonable bedtime, packing the lunch or backpack the night before, setting up a work station with all the right doo-dads neatly organized.  Good advice indeed for student success.

Now, for success in life as well as school, here are my Top Ten Tips for mindfully managing back-to-school stress:

1. STOP, RELAX, & THINK! Too often were’ running around mindlessly multitasking, feeling like we “have to” do this or that or the other thing. And the other thing always seems to pop up out of nowhere to bite us in the butt.  The best way to hurry up and get where you want to go, is to STOP and slow down!  Otherwise, you may be hurrying in the wrong direction.

2. Regain Perspective. Rather than running around reflexively reacting, slow down to reflectively respond instead.  Zoom out and take a “God’s eye view” to look at your life or your day.  What’s working well and what isn’t?  And why?  What goals for this school year (or day) really matter the most?  And why?

3. Reset Your Priorities. When you get refocused on your big “Why’s”, it helps to put all the little stuff that we’re not supposed to sweat about back into perspective. Then we can zoom in to refocus on what really matters.  Sure, there are the practical realities of making it to the bus on time, and getting the homework done, and hopefully learning something new each day, and being able to productively “show what you know” on tests and papers and such.

Yet in our hearts, we know that what matters most is HOW we achieve those practical goals – with loving-kindness and patience and laughter, or tense, impulsive frustration and fretting.  It really is about the journey, not the destination.  That’s what your child really needs to learn, perhaps – how to go about meeting his/her daily responsibilities with joy, rather than anxiety or anger.  Which are you modeling? Which are you practicing?  That’s what your children will remember about their childhood.

Don’t be shy about this.  Post little reminder notes, sayings, inspirational quotes, pictures, art, etc. around your home, your desk, your refrigerator, your car dashboard. Keep the good stuff front and center – for you and your kids.

4. Recharge Your Batteries. If you’re running on empty, you can’t give your child your best self – let alone you deserve to enjoy your best self yourself!   So give yourself a minute, just one minute right now, to reflect on something.

Think of a time recently when you were really happy. What were you doing, where were you, whom were you with?  Recall an experience when you felt alive, energized, joyful.  Simply put, what are some things that you enjoy doing? What brings you energy?  Excites or calms you? What’s fun for you? Now, would you like more of that in your life?

Okay, so do more of that.  YES, you can!  There are 32 half-hour segments in your waking day.  At least ONE of them can be for your pure unadulterated enjoyment – every single day!  I promise, the rest of the world will still survive if it only gets the other 31/32 parts of you.  If you’re truly committed to your top priorities (see 3 above), then you’ll need to recharge your batteries, refuel your gas tank, so you can actually reach your destination.  It’s really not optional – though as crazy, unconscious, martyring parents, we keep thinking it is.

And remember, if you’re suffering, you’re children are suffering.

So, go for that walk DAILY.  Pray.  Watch your favorite TV show.  Have lunch with that friend.  Read inspirational stories or passages.  Run, bike, or play volleyball. Have people that make you laugh over for dinner or dessert or a drink.  Get that back rub or bubble bath.  Take a half hour each night to snuggle under blankets with your child, eating popcorn, reading a book, or thumb wrestling.  Hug your partner, often. Whatever does it for you. Recharge.

Healthy mindfulness practice is about having brief periods of awareness repeated many times.  It’s not about taking some big chunk of time or meeting some grand goal or striving to be happy or healthy.  It’s about appreciating the gift of what is, in the present moment.

Be more present to the moments that bring you joy.  And insert them, bit by bit, into your daily life.

5. Recharge Your Child’s Batteries.  Ditto for your kids.  Structure it, guide it, see to it.  Don’t smother it or force it.  Give your child the space to have what nourishes them, perhaps with you, perhaps without. But be aware, and facilitate it. What re-energizes your child?  What soothes your child?  Make sure it’s a conscious part of the daily diet of family life.

6. Listen Carefully, Speak Clearly. Communication skills are fundamental to healthy, happy relationships.  And having close, supportive relationships is the single biggest predictor of well-being at any stage of life.  So nurture your relationship with your child, especially through the stressful transitions of back-to-school or otherwise, with mindful communications.

Listen with an open mind.  Don’t just be waiting your turn to get YOUR point across. As Steven Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  Are you really listening, not just to your child’s words, but to the thoughts and feelings behind those words?  Are you understanding what feelings, needs, struggles, desires your child is trying to express?  Acknowledgement and acceptance are critical, always. Approval is another matter.  You’ll want to consciously decide if you approve of what your child is saying or doing, and then act accordingly.

Speak with an open heart.  Be clear in your heart, what do you really care about in this situation?  What value or principle do you want your child to learn from you in this moment?  Get clear on that, then state it clearly and compassionately.  Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it meanly.

7. Work on Purpose.  Other critical life skills for your child include being creative, industrious, responsible, persistent.  To be able to work through difficulties without giving up.  To work towards a goal, even in the midst of frustrations and distractions, and achieve it.  To sustain attention and effort to a task, to persevere even when you don’t want to, to produce meaningful output through thoughtful input.  To gain mastery and competence and confidence.  These are important paths to a life well-lived.  And a nice by-product is they get you good grades in school, too.

So make clear to your child, these too are priorities.  Without nagging or perpetually complaining about the black cloud of homework or chores hanging overhead, get to it.  Schedule “classes” at home just like they do at school.  Or schedule homework or chore “appointments”, just like you do for doctors or music lessons or anything else.  Schedule time-limited (30, 45, 60 minutes) appointments into your calendar, 5-6 days a week.  Then get your child to show up at the appointed hour, and focus on that thing for that time.  Period.  No discussions or worrying about it before or afterwards. Just do it in that space at that time. Now is our time to work, just like now is our time to sleep, or now is our time to eat.  It’s planned and purposeful.

Preview with your child specifically what work he/she needs to do.  Briefly create a game plan for how they’ll do it, and make sure the materials or tools are there to succeed.  Be clear on the time expectations. You will “collect the papers” or “end the appointment” or “inspect the job” at a specific time. Set a timer or set an alarm on your watch or cell phone to cue you and/or your child. Encourage your child to do the best they can in that allotted time (just like they do when taking a test at school).  Expect that they can and will give their full engagement to this task at this time.  Remove any distractions, especially extraneous electronic ones.  Prime the pump by starting the child on the task, then fade away while remaining available if your child has any questions or needs any assistance.  Do random spot checks and provide positive, encouraging redirections.  Give a 5-10 minute warning before the end of the period.  At the end of the period, come in, briefly review and close.  Now let it go until the next scheduled appointment.  Set your child, and yourself, free!

8. Hang out and Play.  When looking at the weekly schedule, when looking at the hours left in the day, be sure to schedule some unscheduled time in there.  Don’t just let it happen by default, with unconscious “zombie screen time” sucking the hours away, and then awakening in a stupor at the end of the evening to “hey, what just happened, where did the time go?”  Rather, consciously insert “free play” or “down time” into your family life.

And pay attention to it.  Hanging out time can be the most sacred time you can have. It’s the space between the notes that makes the music sweet.  And this is the space where you and your child can really grow together.  This is when and where most children – especially teens – reveal themselves the most.  It’s where you get to see the person your child is becoming.  It can be unstructured – just literally sitting around, maybe watching TV or listening to music or witnessing a storm blow through.  It can be specified play time – as in, “Now we’re gonna have play time, what do you want to play?”

Card games, board games, video games, puzzles, charades, storytelling, make-believe, coloring, arts-and-crafts, sing-alongs, building forts or rube goldberg machines (google it!), playing catch in the back yard, sitting around a campfire, lingering at the table after dinner, or snuggling under the covers again.  The possibilities are endless. It can even be in the mundane moments of the day – while washing dishes or folding laundry or walking the dog or driving to the store together.

The key is, pay attention – not to your next “to do” item, but to the beauty of the moment, of just being with your kids.

9. Be Thankful. No matter what you do, some days the tensions and frustrations of the school day/week/year will get to you – or to your child.  You’ll feel overwhelmed and anxious.  You’ll be impatiently, impulsively angry at the world, and you’ll snap.  Go ahead, allow yourself that moment of frustration and self-doubt – of “why me?” or “damn you kid/parent/teacher/coach/God/whatever!”  Then let it go, and remember something else.

Remember how fortunate you are to have these problems. Remember how blessed you are to have this child, this parent, this spouse, this life – even all the ugly awful drudgery of it.  Now, if it’s a crisis or abusive situation, you need to work diligently and immediately to get out of harm’s way as best you can, of course.  And still, there will be things to be thankful for.  Don’t forget those things.  Be aware and awaken to them.  Appreciate them.

Practically, you can start each new day with a mindful moment or prayer of thanksgiving.  You can all share one thing you’re thankful for with each other at dinnertime or bedtime.  You can keep a gratitude journal where you write down 3 things that you appreciated about your day.  Recent research shows that these simple practices really do lead to less stress and more health and happiness in our lives – whatever the circumstances.

10. Just Breathe. The universal remedy.  It’s always with you – ready, willing, and able to help you heal. (Or not. It’s your choice.)  Whenever you’re feeling frantic, frenzied, or frazzled, you can always return to peacefulness by returning to your breath.  Slow, deep, cleansing breaths.  Out goes the tension, in comes the peace. Gently, lovingly, strongly – just breathe.  Let all other thoughts go lightly by.  You may notice them, but you are not, for the moment, controlled by them.  You are focusing on the sensations of your breathing. In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  Ahhhh.

Now you’re ready to return to number 1, and repeat these top ten tips over and over, bit by bit, as you and your child resume the daily activities of being back-to-school and on-the-go.  Mindfully.  Happily.  Perfectly imperfectly.  Content.

“If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”  It’s Mother’s Day weekend, and how better to celebrate than to recognize this old truism.  For a family to function and thrive, it needs a mom who feels well, does well, is well.  Of course, we double our chances of a happy, healthy family if dads join in on this wellness plan too.

So let’s see, how can parents maintain a happy, healthy lifestyle in the midst of their crazy busy lives?  Take care of yourself first, and then you’ll be able to take good care of your children.  Remember, children learn what they live.  So, here’s a reminder of the seven dimensions of living well that you may want to foster in your home.

1. Physical Wellness.  It’s about understanding your “heredity and habits” – your biological vulnerabilities and risk factors, along with your lifestyle choices, that will help you prevent injuries, illness, and disease in your life.  Be proactive with your body, not reactive, and get regular medical care that includes wellness visits.  Then practice the “Big 3” –  SLEEP enough, EAT smart, EXERCISE regularly.

2. Intellectual Wellness.  It’s about maintaining an open mind and curiosity about the world, being eager to learn new ideas, skills, and customs.  Stay young and vibrant by being a “life-long learner” – exploring new experiences, developing new competencies.  Read, listen, discuss with others, debate, challenge yourself, think critically not just blindly.  Give yourself some creative outlet – make time for a hobby that engages your brain and your heart.

3. Emotional Wellness.  It’s about being aware of your full range of emotions, accepting them, and regulating your expression of them.  Gently acknowledge that it’s okay to feel sad, mad, scared, etc., it’s what we do with it that counts.  Practice self-regulation (from self-awareness to self-control to self-worth).  Develop relaxation strategies.  Focus on gratitude and forgiveness (yourself as well as others) and charity, and you’ll find your way to more hope and happiness.

4. Spiritual Wellness.  It’s about having a set of guiding principles and values that give your life meaning and purpose.  Often it may include a faith in a higher power, a Universal life energy, a living God, and a shared religious community or practice.  Always it includes a belief in the power of love, of hope, of goodness surrounding us, and the practice of compassion for one another.

5. Social Wellness.  It’s about your roles and relationships – how much you experience and maintain a sense of connection with others.  Do you feel loved and loving towards family and friends?  Do you feel committed to the well-being of your communities – both local and global?  Seek companionship with positive, supportive people.  Practice constructive communication and conflict resolution skills.  Listen attentively, speak respectfully, play joyfully with those close to you.  Connect and offer service to those in need, near or far from you.  Be a part of something bigger.

6. Vocational Wellness.  It’s about career satisfaction.  Seek a job where your gifts, talents, and skills are applied in ways that are meaningful and fulfilling.  This can happen anywhere and in any task or responsibility – no matter how seemingly big or small. Love what you do!  Surround yourself with positive, encouraging, and supportive co-workers.  Be one yourself.  Find strength in teamwork.  And maintain a healthy work/life balance.  Be fully present at your work, for a limited time only.  Then be fully present to the rest of your life as well.  That’s how you’ll be most productive in both realms.

7. Environmental Wellness.  It’s about being appreciative of mother nature and aware of our interdependence with all things on this living earth.  It’s about maximizing harmony and minimizing harm to the planet.  Yes, it’s about thinking globally and acting locally.  Maintain a safe, clean, and beautiful home and work environment.  Practice the “3-Rs” of healthy consumerism – reduce, reuse, and recycle.

There you have it – 7 Ways of Living Well.  This isn’t another to-do list for you to be burdened by.  This is a list of values and priorities to set your compass by.  It’s a way-of-being list.  How do you want to be in this world?  “Be well, do well.”  With a wellness-centered view of your life – pausing to reflect on these 7 dimensions of wellness – you can then choose daily to-do items that enhance your energy and your joi de vivre.  Life is too short to do otherwise.  Carpe diem!

Practice these 7 habits of wellness in whatever way suits you.  Focus on one area, one step at a time – and take some mindful action that you’re ready, willing, and able to follow through with.  Fall off the wagon?  Just get up and get back on, and keep on going.

As a mentor of mine once said, “It doesn’t matter what you choose, as much as it matters that you choose.”  So choose some wellness area you care a lot about right now, and take that next step.  Just do it.  And enjoy it.  You – and your kids – deserve it!

Nearly every parent of school-age kids nowadays feels they’re busy.  This world pushes information and demands on you 24/7 and pulls you in umpteen different directions.

But how busy is too busy?  How would you know?  Are you living a fulfilling life or an overly full one?  Take this quick quiz to see what your Parent Wellness Quotient is (PWQ).

On a Scale from 1 (Not At All True) to 10 (Totally True) rate yourself on the following parenting skills.  Remember, be true to yourself – the only right answers are honest ones!  Write down your number ratings as you go, then add up your Total Score at the end.

1. I’m aware of my family’s strengths, struggles, needs, and goals.  I keep a “big picture perspective” about my life that brings me peace and clarity.

2. I live each day putting my priorities first, with plenty of time for what matters most.

3. I feel fully energized in body, mind, and spirit.

4. My child and I openly communicate about our thoughts and feelings with each other.

5. My child and I regularly share fun experiences – enjoying daily routines and family traditions together.

6. My child and I often participate in community organizations or events together that reflect our shared values.

7. I provide clear, realistic expectations for behavior, and my child regularly meets those expectations, without argument or attitude.

8. I mostly focus on what my child is doing well, rather than what he or she is doing wrong.  My child hears far more positive comments from me than negative.

9. I consistently follow through with effective consequences that get my child to listen and cooperate, both respectfully and responsibly.

10. I know my child and I are deserving of support from others.  We’re getting the help we need to ensure we’re thriving, not just surviving.

MY PWQ (Total Score) =        .

Now, some fun food for thought – check out your score compared to many of the families I work with, and see if this sounds familiar….  (NOTE: this is not a scientifically validated assessment instrument.  It’s simply some guidelines that the parents I coach have found meaningful and useful.)

If your Total Score is 80-100, you’re doing amazing!  You are generally happy and satisfied with your family life.  For the most part, you’re taking care of yourself and your kids in ways that are highly rewarding.  You still see some areas you want to improve, or wish you could do more consistently and easily.

If your Total Score is 60-79, you’re like many busy parents – doing well in some areas and not so well in others.  You appreciate the gifts of your children, and have wonderful moments with them, but wish you could have more of the good stuff, with a lot less of the hassles.  You still feel frustrated and stressed too often, and want to find ways to be happier and get along better with your kids.

If your Total Score is 30-59, you’re feeling too busy and too stressed right now.  You love and care about your kids, but find parenting extremely draining these days.  Your children too often back-talk, argue, or ignore you.  You don’t have the fun together and closeness you used to.  And you can’t find nearly enough “me time” to recharge your batteries.  You need help rediscovering the strengths you and your kids have buried inside, under all the busyness and stress.

If your Total Score is 10-29, you’re struggling and in a lot of pain right now.  You’re feeling way more angry, anxious, or depressed than you want to be.  Both you and your children are suffering from daily fights and frustrations, and you’re overwhelmed with stress.  You and your kids probably need professional therapeutic help right away to get back on track – to get where you want to be and deserve to be.

If you’re a busy parent with a PWQ in the 30 to 80 range, and you’re eager to find more ways to be happier and get along better with your kids, then you may want to participate in an exciting new parenting program – the “Timechoicing for Busy Parents” Bootcamp.

This intensive 6-week parent coaching program guides you through a step-by-step system that gives you more Time Off to recharge your batteries, more Time In to reconnect with your family, and more Time Out to resolve parent-child conflicts.

If that sounds good to you, read more about it below (and pay special attention to the scholarship offers), or check it out now at www.timechoicing.com/bootcamp.

“How do I know if he’s capable or not…?  Is it that she can’t do it, or just won’t…?  What should I expect?”

Parents I coach agonize over how much is too much to expect from their child, whether they’re adding too much stress to their child’s life, or selling them short and letting them get away with too much.  How do you know where to “set the bar” for your child?

Take into consideration these 3 factors:  your child’s stage of developmental (what’s typical for that age?), your child’s temperament (degree of sensitivity, reactivity, intensity), and your child’s environment (surrounding people and situations, amount of supports and stressors).

Start with what you notice most kids his or her age are doing, but don’t get stuck there with a whole lot of SHOULDs.  Children vary in their rates of maturity, and you need to make realistic adjustments to what fits for your child’s temperament – perhaps altering the pace, tone, volume, or amount of demands at any one time.  And you may need to make allowances for the situational stressors or demands that your family is facing at any given time.

Now, it’s important not to just flop around with inconsistent expectations and blame it on changing environmental circumstances.  Start with your values and what you expect your child to adhere to.  For example: listen the first time you ask him to do something, use manners when asking for something, share with her siblings, use words not hands when he’s angry, etc.

If you need to make an adjustment for temperament or environment, do so thoughtfully and proactively, not helter-skelter and reactively.  Take the time to be mindful about what expectations best fit for your child right now.  Set the bar at a level he COULD realistically jump over, not just where you think he SHOULD be able to.  And be clear about it to your child ahead of time.

If you really want your child to listen better, you first need to know that he really understands what is expected.  So make sure you’re using these S.M.A.R.T. expectations.

1. Specific – Describe a specific behavior, not a vague trait.  Don’t say, “Be more responsible.”  Do say, “Remember to hang up your coat and backpack when you get home (before TV goes on).

2. Measurable – Use behaviors you can track, not be clueless about your criteria.  Don’t say, “Clean up this mess.”  Do say, “You need to put all the clothes in the hamper and toys on the shelf.”

3. Acceptable – Focus on the positive “DO” behaviors, not the “DON’T!” behaviors.  Don’t say, “Stop whining.”  Do say, “I can’t hear you. Try again with your big boy (cool dude?!) voice.”

4. Realistic – Be sure your child realistically could do it (consistently and independently), not should be able to do it.  Don’t say, “Be all ready to go in 10 minutes.”  Do say, “See if you can put on your shirt, pants, and socks before the timer goes off, and then I’ll help you put on your shoes.”

5. Timely – Set a specific deadline, not whenever or right away.  Don’t say, “Stop arguing and just get it done!”  Do say, “I know it feels hard.  You still need to stop arguing and put it all away by the time I come back in 3 minutes.  I know you can do it.  Ready, go!”

When thinking about setting your children up for success, spend a little bit of time mindfully choosing what you really want out of your kids, and then gracefully explaining it to them.  Work SMARTer, not harder, to get along better.

Parenting classes often focus on how parents can better understand their child’s development and behaviors, and how to develop parenting skills that are mostly about behavior management strategies.  These are certainly necessary for effective parenting, but they are not sufficient.  There is one key ingredient missing.

In fact, without this important prerequisite, all the parent education in the world that focuses on setting realistic expectations and using effective consequences is a waste of time and money.

What’s this one key ingredient?  Self-care for the caregiver.  If you’re feeling stressed out, pissed off, dumped on, or burnt out, then you can’t use any of the other parenting skills.  You may want to, but you just can’t sustain effective, loving nurturance and limits if you’re not fully recharged first.  You can’t give your child your best if your not at your best.  And your child can’t respond very well to even your best parenting, if he or she hasn’t taken time to de-stress and re-energize as well.

So, how do you (and your child) recharge your batteries and keep them positively charged?  How can you share your best selves with each other during family time together, rather than saving all your leftover stress and resentments of the day and taking it out on one another with garbage behaviors that leave you feeling more drained and guilty and bitter?

Modern neuroscience is confirming what many peaceful, patient souls have known for centuries: moments of mindfulness, practiced regularly, can go a long way to relieving stress and promoting happiness.

What is mindfulness?  Some parents are concerned it’s some new-age fad, or some religious cult.  It’s neither.  It’s simply a way of being fully present in the moment, without a lot of distracting, self-defeating thoughts, without the nagging worries and judgments that sap our joy, without the struggle to resist or grasp for things beyond our control.  It’s about being aware of what is happening in the moment, right now, and accepting that, then making a conscious choice for how to respond in a loving, compassionate way, rather than automatically reacting in some mindless, often angry or anxious, way.

How do you develop a habit of mindfulness?  Like anything else, with practice.  Patient, persistent practice.  There are many ways of developing mindfulness.  Here’s one tip  that you can start with to help you develop more peaceful, mindful ways of relieving stress in your daily life – called mindful attention.

Spend a few minutes, right now, just paying attention to the sounds in your environment.  What do you hear?  Listen some more, what else do you hear?  Nearby voices or music?  Distant traffic?  Wind blowing?  The buzz of electronica?  A sudden bird chirp or siren or rattling furnace?  Your breath?  Your heartbeat.  Shhhh.  Just listen.  Focus on hearing whatever is surrounding you, and just take it in.  Don’t judge it, or yourself.  Just enjoy the sensations and the awakening realization that you’re surrounded by many different sounds at any given time.  They’re happening whether you’re aware of them or not, whether you approve of them or not.  Now, you’re just paying attention to them.   And appreciating them.

Or you could do this with sights – what do you see, when you focus just on the things before you?  Focus and see things for what they are, just as they are, in this moment in time.  Not how they were yesterday, or a minute age, not how they’ll be next month, or how they should be.  Just how they are. Or do this with the sense of smell or taste.  Enjoy experiencing your senses in the here and now.

Notice that when you’re paying attention to just these senses, worries fade away.  Or maybe a distracting thought pops up, and you recognize it, but you don’t become controlled by it.  You acknowledge it, and let it go.  You return to your focus on the senses, gently and directly.  A few minutes of this, several times a day, can release built up tensions and rejuvenate your soul.  Outside in nature is particularly refreshing, but not necessary.  You can do this whenever, wherever you are.  Just pay attention to what is here, now.  Observe it, appreciate it, and let it go.  And move on to the next thing.

There are many things in our hectic, crazy worlds we can’t control.  One of the few things we can control is our minds – what we pay attention to and what we think and feel.  We have many choices, and we can go about mindlessly reacting to the world that we see as doing things TO us.  Or we can mindfully attend to what is happening, accept it, and choice to respond to it with lovingkindness.  This doesn’t mean we have to like or approve of everything – our child’s whining or defiant behaviors, for example.  It just means, we can choose to respond more compassionately – to our kids and our selves – when we come from a place of mindful appreciation and peace, first.

Then we can put those other parenting skills to good use, guiding our children to make more respectful, prosocial, healthy choices for themselves as well.

You’re running around, chasing after your kids, your To Do Lists, even your own tail.

You want more time to relax and enjoy your life.  You wish desperately to revive your spirit, re-energize your body, re-ignite the passion with your partner, reconnect with your kids in fun, loving ways.

Enough bickering about homework and housework.  Enough rushing to get out of the house in the morning, to ball practice in the afternoon, to bed in the evening.  Enough worrying and arguing about clean laundry and dishes and bedrooms.

You really love nature walks or going out dancing or staying at home quilting or long, hot bubble baths.  You’d love to have more of that in your life, BUT…

What’s the biggest “but” that gets in your way?

If you’re like most busy, caring parents that I coach, your biggest “but” probably sounds something like this:  “I’d really like to, but… there’s just not enough time.”  Not enough time for what matters most.  What a tragic lie we tell ourselves.

There’s plenty of time.  Everyday.  Every week.  Every year.  Every moment.  There’s plenty of time when you:

1. Remain aware of and focused on what really matters to you.
2. Accept the responsibility for choosing how you spend your time.
3. Act in alignment with your top priorities and values.

So let’s start today with the simple, yet profound question: “What matters most in your life?”  Here’s a list of several major life areas that you need to function in:

1. Finances and Wealth
2. Job and Career
3. Environment and Surroundings
4. Possessions and Belongings
5. Physical Health and Well-being
6. Mental Health and Well-being
7. Family Relationships
8. Friends & Community Relationships
9. Society and Media

Okay, quick.  Sort these 9 items into 3 groups of 3 each.  Label the 3 groups: (A) More Important, (B) Important, and (C) Less Important.  Don’t overthink this.  Just be honest and go with your heart or gut.  And understand, this is how you feel now, in this moment.  You’re allowed to change your mind tomorrow, or next month, or next year.  Things change.  But now, in this moment, become more aware of what matter more.  And sort the list into three groups.

I really want to encourage you to engage in this little exercise for two minutes.  See what rises to the surface.

Now, within the “A” group, go ahead and rate each of these three items: (1) More Important, (2) Important, (3) Less Important.  Do the same for groups “B” and “C” if you like.

What you’ve just done is a “Q-Sort” activity that can be put to good use for the big dilemmas in your life, or the daily priority list, or even a shopping list.  Brainstorm the areas of your life that you need to address.

You can’t do it all?  Join the club.  Accept that as true.  Get real with yourself.  And realize that if the end of the day (or your life) comes up suddenly, you want to have spent your time on those things that mattered more, not less.  Yes?!

So go ahead and prioritize them into groups A, B, and C.  Then sort within each group, 1, 2, 3…

Now, with your new-found awareness of what matters most right now in your life (Item A-1), consider how you’re doing in that area.  What would you like more of in that aspect of your life.  Think about it.  Write it down.  Speak it to loved ones or a support person.  Start to focus on what you want more of in your life, and why.  Why is that so important to you?  Get clear on what matters most to you right now, and why.

When your “Why” is bigger than your “But”, then you’ll be able to begin moving forward and fulfilling that dream, that need, that burning desire.

Your first step is to be aware and appreciate that.  Then reflect, pray, meditate, recite an affirmation, make an inspirational note, poster, or vision board for yourself.  Put that thing front and center in your life – in a real, practical way.  Inspirational reminders.

Then make a commitment to do one small step about that most important thing – today.  One small step.  Whatever it is.  Think it.  Write it down.  Tell someone.  And then, JUST DO IT.

Get up tomorrow morning, and do the same thing.  Focus on what matters most, and take “One small step for man, one giant step for mankind.”  One small step for this parent, one giant step for this family.

Keep on focusing, keep on going.  And feel good that you’re actually spending some time on what matters most.  Appreciate your choices.  Enjoy your life and kids – one day, one moment, one choice at a time.

Parents today are often running low on time, energy, and patience.  Kids are too distracted, disorganized, and demanding.  Mindless multitasking is the norm, and everywhere, busyness surrounds us.

It envelops us like a misty fog, swirling into our communities, our schools, and our homes.  We breathe it in every day, without a thought, and soon the fog seeps into our minds, clouding our vision.  We run around blindly, or nearsightedly, chasing Today’s To-Do lists immediately in front of us.

Too often, we’ve lost our ability to see further out on the horizon, to keep in mind the big picture of our lives, and to appreciate the gifts we’ve been given.  Especially the gift of our children – of laughter and playfulness and questions about why and skinned knees and discovering new worlds and best friends and first loves and bike riding and car driving and, in a heart beat, graduation.

If we’re not careful, the fog of busyness seeps deeper into our souls, and we lose touch with the joy of being with our loved ones.  We rush to get out the door in the morning, to make sure chores are done after school, to get from work to dinner to soccer practice and back before dark, to get homework done before bedtime, to hurry up and get to sleep so we can start all over again the next day.

We race ahead through the fog, listening to the radio or TV, surfing the internet or our text messages, trying to keep up with emails and facebook pages.  We are increasingly plugged-in, yet disconnected.  Family time becomes an endless series of marching orders, negotiations, and arguments.  Daily hassles turn into power struggles that erupt into temper outbursts – either ours or our kids.  We wonder, where has all the fun gone?

When friends ask, you say, “I’m fine.  Busy.  Never enough time…”  Or “I’d love to…, but I just don’t have the time.”  Or you secretly admit, “I’m feeling pretty stressed out.  I don’t know if I can keep this up.”

Until one day, you can’t.  And you don’t.

You stop mindlessly multitasking and begin making more conscious choices about your time.

You rediscover what’s most important to you and your kids.  You find a way to take simple, realistic steps each day that give you more personal energy, more joyful family relationships, and more peaceful ways of resolving conflicts with your kids.

I call this way “Timechoicing.”  Timechoicing is about mindful care giving.  And receiving.  It’s about making conscious choices on a daily basis that lead to fulfilling lives for you and your children.  It’s about climbing out of the fog of everyday hassles and living more often in the radiant sunshine that God intended for your lives.

Believe it or not, you really can have more Time-Off to recharge, more Time-In to reconnect, and more effective Time-Out to resolve everyday behavior problems.

It’s your time.  It’s your choice.

How’s that conscious parenting going?  You know, the parenting that comes from the heart, and is guided by a mind that is focused on what’s most important in this moment. 

The world is swirling around you.  Demands for your time and energy are flying in from all over the place.  You’re struggling to keep juggling.  And all you must do is remember this: Be Here Now.

Be fully present to whatever your gut tells you is the most important thing – in this moment.  It’s all any of us can do: do your best in the present moment.  Be fully present. 

If it’s your work, then fully engage in your work.  If it’s your health that needs attention right now, then fully engage in your health.  If it’s your child’s homework or hurt feelings or hunger, then fully engage in meeting your child’s needs. 

Do not waste time and energy on feelings of doubt or worry or guilt or inadequacy.  And don’t splinter your energies into mindless multitasking.  Be Here Now.

And remember these three keys to conscious parenting, so that both you and your children can thrive no matter the adversity or challenges your facing.

1. Awareness – Take a deep breath.  Zoom out and look at the big picture.  Pay attention to what’s going on in your child’s world right now.  Why is your child behaving that way?  What is he feeling?  What is he trying to accomplish?  What does he need?

And what is your current capacity to meet that need?  Where are your strengths right now?  What about your needs?  Be honest.  Be aware.  And be open to…

2. Acceptance – Take a deep breath.  Zoom in on your child’s top priority right now.  What does your child need to learn here?  What does she need to be nourished and to grow? It may not always be what the child wants, or make the child happy right away. 

Accept your responsibility as a parent to make the tough choices, coming from a place of love and compassion.  Accept your limitations, too, and forgive yourself for not being perfect.  Embrace your commitment to keep on giving your child, and yourself, the loving nurturance you both deserve. 

Surrender any preconceived notions of “have to’s” and replace them with grateful “get to’s”.  You have an opportunity for grace here – in every challenging moment with your child.  These moments won’t exist again.  Enjoy them now.  And step into them with…

3. Aligned Action – Take a deep breath, and remember to ask yourself “What Would Love Do (WWLD)?”  Love would be truthful and honest, empathic and comforting, firm and fair.  Take action that your heart knows to be true.  Follow through with what you believe to be “just right” for your child in this moment – not too soft, not too hard.  Just right. 

Conscious parenting?  Don’t be mindless or careless.  Don’t be agonizing and analytical.  Just be present.  Be here now.  Aware.  Accepting.  And Acting – aligned with the divine within.

“Racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, yucky thoughts galore,
Go away, leave me be, yucky thoughts no more!” 

Sometimes children are haunted by worrisome thoughts that intrude into their daily lives without warning.  These thoughts may be worries about realistic concerns such as family fighting, impending divorce, an upcoming move, or academic failures.  Sometimes these thoughts grow, like a rolling snowball, ever larger until the imagination transforms them into monstrous worries that distort reality.  When children have these obsessive worries, they may act out to try to rid themselves of their “bad brain” thoughts, or they may quietly suffer the imaginary battle waging inside their head.  Either way, children are often afraid and embarrassed to tell anybody.  What to do?

First, let the child know that it’s okay to talk about their thoughts and worries.  Be clear that the child is not bad for having these thoughts, and that the worrisome thoughts can be made to go away.  Separate out the “good thoughts” from the “bad thoughts” that are bothering them.  Give the “bad thoughts” a name, shape, or identity (such as a bothersome bug), and prepare the child to do battle with the enemy (“we’ll work together to keep squashing that darned worry bug!”).  Always reassure the child that you love them, you’ll be there to help, and that these worries always do go away eventually.

Second, provide the child with a few tools to use to beat back those nasty thought bugs.  Get the child to visualize a stop sign that they can suddenly flash in front of any bothersome thoughts or images.  Have the child clearly picture the stop sign, its size and color, so they can focus their minds on that image coming between them and their worries.  As they focus on the stop sign, which should bring the racing thoughts to a halt, have them picture themselves as the director of a play, shouting “Stop!” to the intrusive thoughts or images.

Third, use a magic box to trap the bother bugs or a bug spray that makes them go away.  Some kids like trapping the bugs or images in a big tractor trailer box, locked up, which then hauls the mess away.  Enlist the child’s vivid imagination to picture successfully doing this, and have some practice sessions where you get silly imagining hauling different problems away.

Fourth, end this adventure with some relaxation exercises.  Encourage the child to lay back with their hands on their belly.  Imagine a balloon (of whatever color or design the child likes) inside the belly.  Now, with slow deep breaths, concentrate on filling that belly balloon with air and watching the hands rise up on the stomach.  Use “4×4 breathing” where you count to four slowly on the in-breath, hold it one count, then count to four slowly on the out-breath.  Complete this exercise 3-4 times, focusing solely on the sights, sounds, and feelings of breath filling and emptying out of the balloon.  Relax, relax, relax.

Finally, redirect the child to get up and go play a fun activity, preferably with you or another person to keep them engaged.  Enjoy the moment.  Sure, the worry bugs may come back again, but you and your child will be ready!  Repeat as needed.  See a professional for assistance if worries continue with greater frequency or intensity.

You’re busy, running around, trying to get the day’s To Do list done, and your child is trying to tell you something, asking you a question, or wanting to show you their newest creation.  Quick, what are you paying attention to?

You want your child to stop playing video games and start his homework, but he’s arguing, backtalking, negotiating as usual.  Quick, what are you paying attention to?

You’re tired at the end of the day, and so is your child who is having a full-fledged meltdown, crying and yelling and tantruming when she’s supposed to be getting in bed.  Quick, what are you paying attention to?

Odds are, if you’re like many parents, you’re paying attention to the problem at hand, and just want to fix it quickly, get it over with, and move on to the next thing you “have to do.”  And you’re never feeling caught up.  You’re never quite feeling like you have enough time or energy to make it to the finish line. 

You have this nagging sense of foreboding, of the burden of having to take care of everyone else.  Never quite sure when and where and how you’ll get to take care of yourself – when you’ll be able to relax and actually enjoy the day, or even the moment.

Just remember, “WHAT YOU FOCUS ON, EXPANDS.” 

When you are preoccupied with the busyness of household chores and activity schedules, your worries about getting it all done increase.  When you focus on the defiant behaviors repeatedly, your anger and frustration with your children grows.  When you attend to the raging noise and embarrassing antics of a tantrum, your sense of helplessness and exhaustion expand.

These stressors exist.  They’re real.  Yet if you continue to focus on these external circumstances that are beyond your control, you will continue to feed the Fear Monster, the Worry Bug, the Angry Beast within.  You’ll eat yourself alive.  Yuk.

There is an alternative.   Awareness.  Mindful awareness of what’s most important to you, and what you want to take from this experience.

Increase your awareness of the reality of the situation, and at the very same time, awareness of what really matters here.  You can gently, repeatedly awaken your mind to recognize what gift the Universe is giving you in this very moment.  What message God wants you to receive.  What lesson you are to learn.  What strength can come from this challenge.  There are many ways to reframe what is happening, and to refocus on the experience in a way that is energy gaining rather than energy draining.

Be aware each day of how much you are meant to have a loving relationship with your child.  Pay attention to how the next activity can be a vehicle not just to clean the kitchen or get the laundry done or get across town to soccer practice.  Be aware of how each of those moments can serve as an opportunity to connect with your child – or to take a break from your child and re-energize another part of yourself.  It’s all good. It’s all necessary and beautiful and legitimate.

Take a deep breath.  And awaken to the possibilities here.  Be aware of what is happening in this moment and make a conscious choice to respond mindfully, gracefully, to it, rather than reacting unconsciously, with anxiety or anger.

Be aware of your child’s needs for attention and affection.  Be aware of how you can give your child that love in small, bite-size morsels repeatedly throughout the day.  Do so proactively, BEFORE your child’s or your stressful tension sets in and begins to escalate towards somebody’s meltdown. 

When your child is arguing or backtalking, be aware that he is seeking control, and acknowledge that need with compassion.  Be equally aware that you are teaching your child self-control, the ability to adjust his behaviors to meet certain expectations, and that he can do what he needs to, even when he doesn’t want to! 

Follow through consistently with careful expectations and consequences that meet your child’s developmental and temperamental needs.  Be aware of how you are asking your children to do things and how you’re reinforcing the choices they’re making.  Does it fit?  Is it a good match?  Is it working effectively?  (How will you know?  You’ll know when you pay attention enough to see that you and your child are fighting less, and enjoying one another more!)

And cultivate a keen awareness of your own emotional arousal.  Am I calm and in control of my feelings, my words, my actions? Am I aware of what my child’s emotional needs are right now, and letting him know I understand?  I care?  Am I aware of the most important principle I want my child, and myself, to take from this encounter?  And am I acting according to that principle?  Am I really paying attention to what really matters?

The greatest shortcut I know to help you reduce stressful parenting moments is to ask yourself this question, over and over (remember, use post-it note reminders if needed!) – “What Would Love Do (WWLD)?”

Keep a mindful awareness of the “WWLD?” mantra alive in your brain, and the rest of your body will follow through with more effective, stress reducing responses to life’s parenting challenges.