Just yesterday at our clinic, I spoke with three families who were distraught about nothing more and nothing less than the pace of their lives.  Let me tell you about it.

First scenario.  There was the mother of a 15 year old girl who had come to us recently, very concerned about her daughter’s increasingly belligerent, moody, and withdrawn behaviors.  She felt it was very important to get her into counseling as soon as possible, because the girl rarely spoke in the home, except to blow up at her parents at random, then retreat into her room, headphones, and computer for hours and refuse to come out.  Recently they had discovered some very disturbing information about their daughter and her friends on Facebook. 

We had given the mother some times for the next week to bring her daughter in for an appointment.  She consulted three different calendars, one for each child, fretted about how she didn’t know if she could make it to those appointment times because this child had volleyball and that child had to be driven to soccer camp and the other had youth group and so on.  She left the office saying she’d check on some things and call back.

A week later, those appointment times had come and gone, and we hadn’t heard from this family – until yesterday.  The mother called in, saying she was still quite worried about her daughter, and wanting that same appointment time for next week.  I politely informed her that that time wasn’t available next week, it had only been available this past week.  She became irate, and berated me on the phone because now she would have to go back and look at all her calendars all over again, and she didn’t know how she was ever going to fit these “very important” counseling sessions into their family’s busy schedule.  After being offered several new times, she angrily said she’d get back to us as soon as she figured some things out, and hung up in a huff.

Hmmm, what’s wrong with this picture…?

Second scenario.  I met with a polite and generally affable 12 year-old-boy who slumped back into his chair, looking as forlorn as you can imagine.  He had just started coming in at the end of the school year for attention and organization difficulties, needing some help keeping up with the increasing demands of middle school.  Now school had just ended, and it was the first week of summer vacation, and he was looking more depressed than ever.

“How you doing?” I asked.  “Well, okay, I guess,” he replied with a sigh that would make Eeyore proud. “What’s the matter?” I persisted, using my most brilliant therapeutic skills to deduce that something was wrong.

“Well, it’s just that today I had band camp in the morning, and then I had to come here, and then I have drum lessons next, and then some physical fitness thing at the Y, and then I have to go to a boy scout meeting tonight.  And I was hoping to just chill out a bit this summer.”  Tears welled up in his eyes as he slumped back into the chair even further, looking defeated and hopeless.

Third scenario.  I was coaching two very intelligent professionals who are kind and caring parents.  We have been working on how to manage the impulsive and defiant behaviors of their 6-year-old adopted son.  The mother was spending the summer at home with their two children, intent on giving them the loving attention and support they felt they needed. 

After the first week of summer, this mother was already feeling overwhelmed, because she had managed to take them to a number of enriching, fun, and social activities throughout the first week, but now was at a loss for how to keep the kids productively entertained for the next week, and for 8 more weeks after that.

When I helped her see the value of unscheduled time, the critical importance, in fact, of having “down time” for both kids and parents to relax and recharge their batteries, this mother literally broke down in tears of relief.  She had been feeling such pressure, insidious and subtle, to keep up with all the other mothers who seemed to have such full and happy lives and such wonderful children.

As we talked more, it became clear that both mom and dad were swept up in unspoken worries about their children keeping up with the other kids in this relatively well-off neighborhood and school district.  They only wanted the best for their kids, to make sure they wouldn’t be left behind, academically or socially, athletically or artistically.

Like all caring parents, they wanted to know that their kids were going to be alright, that they’d grow up to be happy, healthy, and productive members of society, and that they, as parents, had done everything possible for their kids.  They didn’t want to feel guilty that they hadn’t given their kids the best shot at life.

When I reassured them that the need for unscheduled, free-play time was just as critical to their child’s development as anything else they might do, they felt an intense release.

Of course, the key is “all things in moderation.”  We don’t want kids who are 24/7 couch potatoes, and we don’t want overscheduled walking-zombies either.

I came home from work yesterday after these three encounters all fired up.  This has been making me crazy for a while now, and I can’t take it anymore.  None of us can, or should!  All the pressures to go, go, go are taking a terrible toll on our emotional well-being, our family relationships, and our kids’ mental health.  It’s just not right.

So I introduce to you today a new word for a critically important concept – the opposite of mindlessly multi-tasking – is what I call timechoicing.

Timechoicing is the act of mindfully choosing how you will spend your time.  It’s the ability of humans to stop, take a deep breath, and make a conscious choice to do what is most important to their well-being.  – To act according to your highest values and principles.  To accept responsibility for how you, and your children, will invest your time today – each day – on healthy, life-fulfilling habits.  And yes, sometimes that means less is more.

How will you know what the right balance is for you and your children?  Take the simple gut-check test.  Are you feeling happy, enthusiastic, energized?  Focused and relaxed?  Or scattered, frustrated, overwhelmed, and exhausted?  How about your child?  Are your daily interactions filled with more playful laughter and acts of loving kindness or more bitter bickering and acts of defiance or disrespect or disregard.

Add or subtract activities to your daily life – varying the quantity and quality – until you have the right mix that works for your kids, your family, your lifestyle.  Stop and think about what relaxes you and energizes you, and make the conscious choice to do more of those things.  Reflect on what frustrates or exhausts you, and consciously choose to change those things or expose yourself to less of them.  Ditto for your kids.

Of course, you may need help shedding old unhealthy habits and growing new healthy habits.  If so, go get yourself a really good family wellness coach and get to it.  (I know someone who’d be glad to help!)

It’s not that you don’t have the time, it’s that you’re not choosing to spend your time on what you say matters most.  Take charge, and make sure you’re timechoicing in a way that serves you and your children best.

Relax and enjoy the days of summer.  Yes, you can.  Will you?

I know a mom (do you?) who gets up at 6:00 every weekday morning to begin her routine as the family field general.  She makes the kids’ lunches, signs permission notes, makes sure game uniforms are out of the dryer, and checks backpacks for homework.  Getting iPods and cell phones turned off for a minute (no easy feat), she previews the evening logistics of how everyone’s getting to ball practice or music lessons or youth group.  With any luck, everybody makes it out on time, with no bloodshed.

That’s the first hour.  After a full day at her “other job,” this mom heads back home where the real fun begins.  Depending on the day of the week, she’ll juggle any number of roles, taking turns as a chauffer, a tutor, a cheerleader, a cook, a counselor, a law enforcement officer, an air traffic controller… well, you get the idea.

To be fair, I know some dads who have pretty similar schedules.

This high-pace stress trickles down to, and sometimes floods, our children too.  Daily hassles often turn into power struggles over chores or homework or “screen time”.  And these power struggles may erupt into temper outbursts – either theirs or ours.

What’s a Busy Parent To Do?

After 20 years of counseling families – and dealing with the same challenges as a parent myself – I’ll tell you a dirty little secret I’ve learned.  TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF IS NOT OPTIONAL!

The first crucial step to coping successfully with family stress is to regularly take TIME OFF for your self, away from the rat race, to nurture your body, mind, or spirit.

Yes, BUT… you probably feel like “there’s never enough time” or “everyone else’s needs come first” or maybe even “I don’t deserve it.”

Well, let’s stop and think.  Do you really want less conflict with your kids, and more joy in your home?  Then just remember the old truism, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” 

Quick, what makes you happy?  Name 3 things right off the top of your head.  Anything you enjoy doing, receiving, experiencing, getting.  What lights you up?  Recharges your batteries?  Okay – now picture doing or receiving one of these things for a half-hour every day.  Rotate the menu and treat yourself to 30 minutes a day of undivided self-nurturance.

Not enough time?  Yes there is.  It’s your choice.  Remember, you can afford the 3 hours a week this would entail – and leave the other 165 hours in the week to attend to everyone else’s needs.  I promise, the world won’t come to an end!  In fact, a whole new, joyful, more energized world will start to grow – for you and your kids.

In order for you to be the parent you want to be, the one you’re fully capable of being, you need to nurture yourself first.  When you’re feeling re-energized, then you have more of your best self to give your kids.  You’re going to be more warm and affectionate.  You’re going to be able to provide firm, fair limits and follow through more effectively with any discipline.  And your kids are going to benefit tremendously.

So go for it!

“My child is so bright, but he is so disorganized/inconsistent/unmotivated… How do I get him to perform up to his potential?”

This is a common refrain for parents and teachers of kids with Executive Function difficulties – again, kids with plenty of brain power, but their control panel freezes up or goes offline with maddening irregularity.

How do we get our “smart but scattered” kids through a day at home, school, and life?

Here’s four pathways to helping your child successfully live up to his or her potential.

1. Purpose. What does your child need to do to be successful? How are you defining success? How is the child defining success? What balance of work and play, productivity and playfulness, striving and relaxing, are you seeking? What’s the point?

Describe what your child fulfilling his/her potential looks like. How would you know? Says who? Be clear on what behavioral or academic or social outcomes you’re seeking. Be clear that this fits your child’s developmental, temperamental, and environmental circumstances. Be both idealistic and realistic!

A major league baseball pitcher pitches a perfect game (no hits, no walks) maybe once in his career (if he’s lucky), and we don’t expect him to pitch a perfect game every time out on the mound after that. We expect day to day variation in performance in sports – and no doubt in life.

Make sure your child shares your vision, values, and goals. Does he or she have a clear purpose in mind for how helping with family chores or actually doing the homework each night or controlling one’s temper is meaningful and desirable?

2. Passion. Getting the child to care about certain goals is more a matter of the heart – it’s what motivates the child and inspires him or her to pursue a certain path even when the going gets tough. The more passion a child has for a particular subject or relationship – the more they care about it – the easier it is to harness the energy to achieve the goal you’ve set out for.

So seek out the passions that your child has – their interests and affinities – and help your child develop them wherever possible. Music, sports, nature, animals, machines, electronics, numbers, words, pictures, mysteries, foreign lands, family traditions, basketweaving, bowling, or bowhunting – it doesn’t matter – what turns your kid on? Foster exploration and development of these natural interests, and incorporate them into school learning regularly.

Where the child has a natural passion or love for the topic, person, or situation, we can easily encourage growth in that area – relying more on intrinsic motivation. In important functional areas (certain academic or behavioral standards) that the child doesn’t have much natural interest in, then we may need to provide additional incentives. Simply put, pair the things your child doesn’t much care about with something he or she does care about.

And accept the reality that your child isn’t going to be passionate or productive, let alone perfect, in all areas all the time. Sounds silly when we say it like that, but catch yourself with the unrealistic assumptions you make sometimes.

3. Preparation. Before beginning a week, a day, or a task with your child, spend several minutes “huddling up” and planning it out. Talk about the top priorities, and specify a specific plan of action for how you and your child will achieve the desired goals. Having already reviewed purpose and passion – the what and why – we now focus on the how to accomplish what we most desire.

Brainstorm possible solutions for how to get where you want to go. Now is the time to include the child in contributing – having some choice – about how to accomplish the goal. If the expectation is that your child will do a half-hour of homework every night, then she can have some say about when and where she’ll do it, not whether she’ll do it!

Enumerate the action steps. Fancy word, just means put them down, in order, numbered – ideally no more than 3-5 steps. And answer these questions: who will do what, when, and where? More precisely, have your child be able to tell you the answer to these questions.

And if there are working memory problems (for you or your child!), make sure the action plan is in a visible, usable calendar or checklist.

4. Persistence. “Let’s try it and see.” Whatever the plan, make sure you all commit to following it for the next week. Then agree to sit down and evaluate how it’s going. Talk about what’s working, or not, and what needs to be tweaked. Make a new, adjusted plan, write it on a cheat sheet or to do list, and stay with that revised plan for another week.

Try it and see, again. But not with great angst and frustration or burdensome expectations. Approach the task as a great experiment. Frame it with your child along these lines: “We’re going to try homework this way for the next week, and see if it gets better, worse, or stays the same. What’s your prediction? Why? What do you want to do to make it more likely to be a success?” Okay, game’s on!

Try it and see, again. Be curious, patient, and persistent. Keep on going, no matter what. But do so mindfully, paying attention to what parts of this game plan are working well, and what parts aren’t. Get your child to join you in being an investigator – a scientist or journalist or spy – seeking the truth – the holy grail of solutions for that mysterious problem that hasn’t been solved yet.

Look at the challenging situation as a mountaintop that hasn’t been summitted yet, but is now within reach (even if the journey has included some backtracking, sidetrails, and occasional dead ends.) No giving up, until we reach the peak. We are intrepid explorers in life. Be playfully persistent. Whatever it takes. Never, ever give up.

All of these steps will lead your child to significant Progress, Not Perfection.

Let’s rejoice in the small, daily miracles. Acknowledge them. Appreciate them.

Catch your child making any small step in a better direction – picking up his clothes, starting her homework, remembering to ask politely for a favor or raising a hand to speak – and offer brief, heartfelt words of praise as soon as it occurs. Blow encouraging breathes of fresh air onto the tiny sparks of a child’s efforts in order to ignite the fires of success.

And recognize the truth in the old saying “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” May you and your child keep putting one step in front of the other, and keep getting closer to fulfilling your potential, while recognizing that perfection is neither desirable nor achievable. Being perfectly imperfect every day, perhaps you are already just exactly where you need to be. Enjoy the journey along the way.

Happy Ground Hog Day!  Are you kidding me?  No, here is central Pennsylvania – that’s still a big deal.

One of my Penn State graduate students actually had her parents come visit from out of state to be at Gobbler’s Knob at dawn this morning to see Punxsutawney Phil’s prognostication – a longer cold winter, or a sooner spring thaw?

(Sorry, word has it, he saw his shadow again – six more weeks of winter.)

So what?  Well, one of my all-time favorite movies is Ground Hog Day.  My wife and kids and I curl up with blankets and pop corn around this time every year to watch it – which we did again on Saturday night.  Why do I love it so much, and why the heck am I writing about it now.

Well, I did another one of my favorite parenting programs last night, “Finding the Time to Enjoy Your Life and Your Kids Again!”  We spent the evening taking inventory of what’s most important in your life, and how you can find the time for it.  And it got me to thinking…

Bill Murray found one way to enlightenment in this farcical, yet philosophical, romantic flick. He was forced to live the same day over and over again until he learned his lesson – found his truth – and starting living it in earnest.

What would you do if you had only one day to live over and over again?

Maybe you’d act out at first with wild fantasies, naughty or crazy or whatever – just as Bill does.  Then you might get bored, or depressed, or desperate for a spell.  Eventually, if you’re lucky, you’ll come to realize that life doesn’t have much meaning if we’re in it just for our own gains and needs.

It means a whole lot more when it’s shared with others – when we can give, lovingly of ourselves to others, and rejoice in regular (not necessarily random!) acts of kindness – just for the joy of it.

Now, a subtle part of the movie is that Bill has to go through a cleansing period, a period of self-care and self-development, before he has strengthened skills that he can then put to good use serving others.

This is just like my prescription for less stress and more life satisfaction in the T3 Family Wellness Program.  Before you can effectively call TIME OUT to resolve conflicts with your kids (or anyone), you need to share enough positive, fun TIME IN with them to build loving relationships.  And you can’t do that, if you don’t take enough TIME OFF to re-energize yourself, first.

To produce good output – parenting or otherwise – we first need to have good, quality input to fill our souls and our minds with the beauty we want to see in our kids and in our world.

So during this mid-winter pause – for some a time of silly celebration – let us also use it for a time of brief reflection:  What would I do if I only had one day to live?  And why am I not living my life that way now?  What am I waiting for?!

No time like the present.  Take a deep breathe.  Think about what matters most to you today.  And live it. Go love someone.  Just for fun.  Ground Hog Day is as good an excuse as anything!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Serenity… May I find the peace of mind to know I’ve done the best I could, and that is enough. To know that I’ve loved each of my children with all my heart, sought what was best for each with pure intentions, and made decisions with a clear mind and caring spirit.

May I accept that I cannot control them, but only guide them.  I cannot decide for them, but only with them.  May I accept who they are becoming with an open heart, open mind, and always open arms.  And may they accept me for who I am, the principles I’ve stood for, the values I’ve sought to impart – even as they shape their own destinies.

Courage… May I feel the loving grace of God within me, bringing me peace as I face the stress and strain of daily life.  And may that loving light shine through me, offering a beacon of hope to my children during their times of struggle.  After hardships, may we experience the healing touch of forgiveness, and the cleansing joy of laughter.

May I not dwell on the past with regrets, but be fully present and open to the gifts of today.  Help me to face life’s challenges head-on with honesty, integrity, and humility.   And may I find the strength to always act according to my convictions, so my children will know how to face the winds of adversity.

Wisdom… May I know when to push and when to let go.  When to be firm, and when to set them free.  May I genuinely seek first to understand, then to be understood.  May I enjoy the blessings of a well-tuned ear, an open yet discerning mind, and the ability to speak my truth both directly and compassionately.

May each of these gifts bring the blessings of respect, resilience, and rejoicing to my family – and to all the families I may meet along the way.

The same way you can move from “stressed and surviving” to “thankful and thriving” the rest of the year, too – using my TIME OFF, TIME IN, and TIME OUT strategies!  Try using some of these tips from my “T3” Family Wellness Program:

Take TIME OFF to…

Regain Perspective.  Zoom out and look at the big picture.  What developmental stage is your child in?  Your family?  Dealing with your tot’s excitement and irritability, fears and fantasies, or your tween’s booming obsession with peer friendships and extracurricular activities, or your teen’s growing needs for independence and intimacy outside of the family?  Adjust your expectations for family fun to fit your child’s developmental needs.

What is your temperament or personality type?  Your child’s temperament?  Do you prefer more socializing and thrilling activities or calm and peaceful solitude during Christmas vacation?  Which activities do you find energy-gaining versus energy-draining?  Your child?  Adjust accordingly.

And what are the environmental circumstances that are either sources of support or stress for you this year?  Job satisfaction, financial constraints, the cleanliness, beauty, and repair of your home, extended family and social relationships, society demands and media influences.

Be aware of these developmental, temperamental, and environmental factors, and how they may be affecting your tolerance for facing the added challenges of the holidays.

If the big picture looks and feels strong this year, you may have the energy to splurge on the holidays.  If not, reset the bar of expectations, and dial-down the demands on yourself and your family.  You don’t HAVE to go to all those parties, or host one, or buy all the those gifts, or bake all that food.  Choose commitments for the holiday season that fit with your mood and energy level, and with those of your children and spouse.  There is no one perfect way.  Get some perspective.  Listen to your gut, and go with it.

Reset Priorities.  Accept that you can’t do or have it all. (Sorry, Charlie!)  Choose 1 to 3 top priorities that you care about the most – ones that will bring you the most happiness during this holiday season.  Let go of the rest.  Let it go.  Now, plan ahead.  Schedule several hours out of the 168 you have every week (yes, including Christmas week!), to dedicate to enjoying those priorities.

Restore Power.  How important do you think it is that your children are well-rested, well-fed, and well-energized – with ample opportunity for rest, relaxation, and recreation?  Do they need some active, run-around, get-it-out-of-your-system crazy fun time, as well as some quiet, recharge-your-batteries, rest time in order to be at their best?  Sure they do.  And so do you.  It’s not really optional – unless you want to feel run down and out-of-gas during the holidays.  So, umm, SURPRISE!  Sleep, eat, exercise, rest.  All are critical to enjoying life during the holidays – and afterwards.  Give yourself and your children these gifts first, so you can enjoy any additional gifts that may come your way.

Give TIME IN to…

Communicate Clearly.  Pay attention!  Use active listening with your kids (and your spouse).  Be sure you really hear what your child is saying, what they really mean, with their words and their behavior.  Reflect back to them what you understand they’re saying.  Yep, just paraphrase it.  “Oh, you’d really like to go to that party with your friends, instead of staying home for family night on Friday.  Okay, well let’s think about that…”  Then weigh the pros and cons to the child and the family, and make a considered decision.  The parent has the final say, but you’ll create more open conversations if you’ve honestly listened, understood, and took your child’s feelings and needs into consideration first.  Sometimes you give, sometimes you take.  But if you think and talk with calm, caring, consideration, your children will learn to do likewise.

No time or energy for this type of discussion during the busy holiday season?  Well, taking short cuts here will likely lead to more stress and conflict.  During harried times is exactly the time we need to slow down the most!  So model calm, reflective, and empathic communications with your child, and you’ll likely get a generous gift in return.

Connect Routinely.  Pay attention!  You’ve got to cook and eat and clean anyway – so look at these activities as opportunities to bond with your kids – not as some tedious tasks you have to do before you can enjoy your kids.  Lighten up!  Turn these daily or seasonal chores and errands into playful activities with your kids.  Make guessing games, beat-the-clock games, treasure-hunt games, creativity or cleanliness contests (cooperatively or competitively) – out of shopping, decorating, or cleaning chores.  Use car rides as a time to chat about holiday wishes and memories or time to sing carols or hymns.  Use bedtime as a time to give thanks for the gifts of the day, and prayers for the well-being of others.

Add in seasonal rituals, but be sure to subtract other non-essential routines in order to fit them in.  And communicate clearly about expectations ahead of time.  As usual, give the child some choice (chocolate chip or peanut butter; you want to stir or pat) nested within your choices and expectations (we’re baking cookies today).

Contribute to Community.  Help your child feel a sense of belonging to something bigger and discover the deep satisfaction of giving to others.  Participate in a team, club, school, church, or other organization function.  Children develop self-esteem and self-worth by earning it, and they do that best when they can contribute with their personal effort and skills to some cause that they care about.  Help your child or family choose a particular cause or charity they’d like to contribute to, and set aside real time and resources to make the spirit of giving come alive for them.

Call TIME OUT to…

Resolve Conflicts.  When tempers or anxieties flare, as they will, be prepared.  Set your child up for success with clear, specific, and realistic expectations.  Focus on the solutions to problem behaviors, with positive prompts of what you want the child to DO, not just negative-nagging about what you DON’T want them to do.  “Please wait your turn to pick an ornament, everyone will get plenty of opportunities, as long as you wait nicely until you’re sister’s out of the way” instead of “Stop shoving and grabbing!”

And the holidays are not a time to be overly-lenient or to throw-away all rules and structure.  Hold the child accountable for appropriate behaviors (good manners, polite and friendly participation in family activities) with clear, firm limits and effective consequences.

Effective consequences, remember, are ones that are MEANINGFUL for the child and ENFORCEABLE for the adult.  Emphasize that certain things the child is looking forward to (digital “screen time,” games, videos, outings with friends, etc.) are privileges to be earned, not God-given rights – even if it is Christmas vacation.

Remember to stay focused on the positive outcomes both you and your child desire, and you’ll be rewarded with more of those positive outcomes.  Such as, “WHEN you clean all this up – wrapping paper in the trash can, toys stacked neatly under the tree, dirty dishes in the sink, THEN you can play that new video game – and I can’t wait to watch you do it!  Let’s go!”

Gold is soaring in value to an all-time high right now.  People are nervous about their investments, whatever they may have left.  During this recession, as in other economic hard times, people flock to precious metals.  (Which I confess, strikes me as kind of absurd, but that’s another topic for another professional.)

Many families are struggling to make ends meet – and there is a growing consciousness about the true value of things.  Specifically, we are all increasing our awareness about what things we really need versus want, what things really matter, what things do we really value.

And when I work with families, or reflect on my own, it gets pretty clear pretty quickly.  The most important things in our life, of course, aren’t things at all.

Do you remember the overwhelming, trembling flood of gratitude and grace at the very moment of birth of your first child?  Or the second?  Or third?  Or fourth…?  I remember each and every one, and fill with tears involuntarily even now at the thought of those moments when the true miracle, and value, of human life was given to us.  How humbling to have a child’s life brought forth into this world, and into our hands.

How precious is this gift of life?!  Given to us to nurture and enjoy and appreciate and encourage and teach and love and let go… To pass on to the next generation of miracles, waiting in the heavens to emerge and renew life’s never ending circle.  And to think that we, too, were precious gifts to our parents, and they to their’s, and so on.

When we really stop to reflect on this gift of life, handed down continually through family after family, we can’t help but appreciate the real value of caring for our children in a way that will yield the greatest return on the greatest investment possible.

Now, for most of us, our families, like our economic fortunes, will not be without flaws.  We experience up and down times, moments of euphoria and heartache, with pain and suffering for some more than others.  Yet always, love will find a way through.  If we let it. If we open our hearts up to the reality that we are gifts of love, perfect just as we are, even with all our imperfections.  And so are our children.  And, yes, so are our parents, and our brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and neighbors.

There is no one perfect family formula.  Yet there are ways to maximize your R.O.I. for the family you have inherited.

“My experience is what I agree to attend to.”
- William James

Find the extraordinary in the ordinary. Laugh and sing and play with your kids, your spouse, your friends, yourself.  Why not?  This is not a dress rehearsal – this is your one, precious life.  You can’t get this day back – no takeovers – so might as well enjoy it.  You do have choice – not in everything that happens to you, but most certainly in how you respond. Choose happiness.  If that feels too ambitious, choose contentment.

If you find yourself getting anxious or angry or depressed, ask yourself, “Why am I choosing to have this experience?”  And choose differently. (Or keep blaming external circumstances and be miserable.)  This isn’t about becoming delusional and denying that there are problems.  It’s about accepting reality, and making the most of it anyway.

Easier said than done?  Perhaps, at first.  But like anything else, as you practice this, your conscious choice muscles will grow.  You can choose to respond calmly to adversity rather than react violently to it.  Take a deep breath, literally, and respond with self-soothing words, actions, and relationships.  When you fall off course, which we all do, acknowledge your mistake, and step back towards center – towards a loving heart.  Joy will follow.

Start each day with a prayer or mediation about how you wish to live your life today.  End each day with a brief reflection of what you most enjoyed that day, and what you’re most thankful for.  Don’t just nod as you read this and say, nice idea.  Do it!  Get a small journal or notebook, and jot down your intentions for the day each morning, and what you’re thankful for each evening.  (Recent research shows that keeping a daily gratitude journal can be highly effective at reducing depression and increasing optimism and positive moods.)

Five minutes, once or twice a day.  Write it down.  Okay, so you don’t do it perfectly, maybe you miss some days.  No sweat.  Start again the next day.  Keep it to yourself, or share it with a partner.  The days will go by, and slowly, over time, you’ll increase your awareness of the bountiful nature of family and friends surrounding you.

And what really matters – your family’s true wealth – will keep multiplying.

It’s mid-fall and the school-year routine is in full swing.

Go, go, go! Hurry up so we don’t miss the bus.  Is that homework done yet?  Get off that computer and come set the table.  Grab your shoes, we’re late for practice.  Oh, it’s Tuesday, you have music lessons, too.  Did you practice your instrument?  Darn it, the dog had an accident again, who’s going to clean it up?  Your brother has scouts tomorrow, whose turn to drive?  You’re room’s a mess.  Stop that bickering with your sister and just finish raking the leaves, so we can get to the store before it closes.  Don’t forget, we volunteered to help at church this week.  What’s that junk you’re watching/listening to?  Hurry up and get ready for bed.  Time to settle down, why aren’t you asleep yet?!

You’re sounding like a drill sergeant more than you’d ever care to admit, and your kids barely talk to you anymore, let alone play with you.  They’re too busy participating in scheduled activities or being plugged into their digital world with friends and God-knows-who.  You’re too busy trying to provide them with enrichment opportunities while running a household that still requires healthy meals, clean clothes, and bills paid on-time.  Where’s the fun in all that?

If you’re like most parents and teachers nowadays, you’re feeling the stressful effects of over-scheduled, busy lifestyles.  Conversations too often take the form of adults barking commands or questions, and kids replying angrily, perhaps with eye-rolls and sarcasm, or not at all.  You and your kids may be having trouble communicating or connecting with each other in fun, loving ways.  It’s certainly not how you want it to be, and believe it or not, neither do your children.

As more parents are finding out, one of the best ways to decrease family stress and conflict is to SLOW DOWN and enjoy more positive TIME IN with one another.

In fact, one of the few benefits of the economic recession right now is how parents have begun to stop and think more about what matters most in life – is this purchase, is this extra-curricular activity, is this grade-point level really the most important thing?  More parents are realizing the importance of having enough down time and free time for their kids, rather than so much scheduled time and screen time.

A recent survey for Parents magazine revealed over half of moms identified “spending quality time with kids” as their top priority, and over two-thirds agreed that their children are over-scheduled and they’d like to encourage them to “stop and smell the roses.”

“Less is more” has never sounded better.  But how to apply this, practically, in our lives?

1.    Maintain simple routines and rituals. Quality family time often comes best packaged in little daily or weekly routines that add up over time to become the childhood that we remember.  How do you want your children to remember growing up?  Believe it or not, you don’t have to add hours to the day, you just need to be mindful of how you’re doing what you’re already doing.

For example, the morning routine of getting dressed can be turned into a fun “beat the clock” game, as long as you keep encouraging your child with playful cheering not tense yelling to “hurry up!”  Eating dinner together can be a time to review a “high and low” from each person’s day.  Okay, maybe you can’t do that every day, so commit to and schedule in family dinners just 2 or 3 times a week.  This routine is still a powerful one that is correlated with better social and emotional outcomes for kids.  And cleaning the kitchen all together after dinner can be a time for chatting or singing or just hanging out.

The car ride to soccer practice can be a special opportunity to turn the radio down and play “20-questions” or “I spy” games – looking out the window and noticing your surroundings, which can lead to mini-philosophical discussions about why the sky is blue, and where is heaven anyway.  Or that ride can be an opportunity to turn the radio up and just unwind with your kids jamming to their favorite tunes.  This way you can learn more about what they’re into.

Be conscious of the time you already spend with your children – hey, you have to eat sometime, you have to run errands anyway – might as well make it fun.  A colleague and friend of mine, Esther Jantzen, has a great little book out called Plus It!  How to Easily Turn Everyday Activities into Learning Adventures for Kids.  This is a gem of a resource that offers so many simple, brilliant ways we can make TIME IN with our children much more fun-loving and life-affirming.  I highly recommend you check it out at www.PlusItBook.com.

Weekly rituals can be added with little effort or cost.  Before our kids became teenagers, every Friday night was “family movie night” where we snuggled up with extra pillows and blankets and bowls of popcorn in our family room, and enjoyed a family movie together.  Now that high school football and basketball games have replaced that ritual, we make sure we gather for a delicious homemade brunch every Sunday after church.  These are the simple traditions our children will remember and tell their children about in years to come.

(Share some family routines or rituals that your kids have enjoyed, and I’ll publish them in the next ezine!  Email me at Support@KidstepCoaching.com.)

2.    Unplug and reconnect. Surfing and chatting on the internet, talking and texting on their cell phones.  Kids today are connected constantly with one another and with the big wide world in all its beauty and horror.  There is no turning back, so what to do?  First, set clear limits on usage and put it in writing – what electronic devices, programs, and sites are they allowed to be on, when are they allowed to be on them, who are they allowed to connect with, why do you have these rules, and what will happen if they’re violated.

Second, if you can’t beat ‘em, join em!  Friend your kids on facebook and check in periodically, but maintain a low profile – you’re not trying to embarrass them, just keeping in touch with them on their turf.  And if they balk?  Well, what’s so bad that a parent can’t see it?  If they can’t live with that, perhaps they aren’t mature enough to handle the responsibility (and risks) of socializing online anyway.  Be proactive with your kids, without being overprotective.  Check in, check up, check out.  In this way, you get to double dip – protect and connect!  Also, call and text your kids regularly to check in with positive, affirming, or fun messages, as well as practical, daily-life details.

Third, have regular, mandatory “digital holidays” or “no screen time.”  Take the cell phones at bedtime.  Keep the computers and TVs out of the bedrooms.  And have 1 day a week or month (or a half-day if you all can’t stand it!) where everyone literally unplugs all electronic devices.  Go for a walk in the woods or park, play cards or board games, write thank you notes, paint something, have a watergun battle, light candles and give each other back massages, look at old photo albums and tell family stories, bake chocolate chip cookies together, take a nap.  Just hang out together and rediscover the simple joys – while being completely off-line and inaccessible to the relentless barrage of digital-age information.

Schedule this like it’s a doctor’s appointment – as if you’re health depended upon it.  Because it does!

3.    Appreciate the power of play. Play isn’t just frivolous fun.  It’s a key ingredient to how our children explore their world, develop interests and competencies, unleash their imaginations and creativity, make and maintain friendships, and literally recharge their batteries.  Recent studies have shown that laughter-filled fun actually releases endorphins in our bodies that help improve our immune system, moods, and sleep.

So make sure your child has some unscheduled, free-play time each day – at least a half-hour or hour.  Encourage ways for your child to play by themselves, with siblings, with friends, and with you!  Fool around more, sing silly songs, make faces, build forts, get out the play dough, tell jokes, have styrofoam sword fights, throw a ball in the front yard.  Watch cartoons or a favorite comedy show together each day.  Snuggle and tickle and giggle.  No doubt about it, it’s good for the soul.

We’ve got to honor the need for SLOW-DOWN-TIME to re-vitalize our family relationships and our lives.  You know it in your bones, so take a stand.  Practice what you believe.  Just slow down a little bit – realistically and practically.  Schedule it, honor it, celebrate it.  You and your kids will be so glad you did.

Parents and kids today are frantically trying to keep up with the demands of an increasingly fast-paced world.  In the digital age, information flow never sleeps, and it seems like busy parents don’t get to sleep much either!

Meanwhile, the kids I see are growing up faster and earlier, being exposed prematurely to the adult world, both on-line and off, for better and for worse.  Kids feel more entitled and are more demanding.  Yet they also struggle with the demands of increased peer and performance pressures.  Attention spans are down, oppositional and defiant behaviors are up.

Parents and teachers I talk with are worried about the increased moodiness, disorganization, and disrespect they see in their kids.  (Sound familiar?) They get frustrated by a troubling child’s backtalking or belligerence, and they want answers.  Quick, convenient answers, preferably!  Why does he behave that way?  What can I do to get her to shape up, or cheer up, or catch up?

Running to keep up themselves, and just trying to put out the fires that keep popping up, parents and teachers often get caught in the trap of tunnel vision.  Are you looking for that quick fix or that “silver bullet” that will explain all the current problems and just make them go away?  Don’t’ we wish?!

I don’t know of such a magic wand or bullet. But I do know that to overcome the overwhelm parents and families are feeling today, we need to first step back and take a look at the bigger picture.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed with your child’s challenging behaviors, along with the stress from the rest of your life, then first “zoom out” with your wide-angle lens to get a better perspective on what’s going on.  Then, after you’ve done that, you can make better choices about where to “zoom in” and refocus your energies most wisely.

Take that first step back and gain a clearer understanding of your family’s strengths and weaknesses, as well as the internal and external resources you have available to you.  Then you can allocate your time and energy to where it can do the most good.  But you’ve got to get out of that tunnel vision mode.  Get out of your rut, your way of seeing and being, first.

One of my favorite quotes sums it up nicely: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.”  Well, if you want to get out of overwhelm, and help your child get out of his or hers, you’ve got to regain a fresh perspective, reset your priorities, and restart some new habits.  (Just what we focus on in the TIME OFF portion of my family wellness coaching programs.)

As you look at the big picture, I encourage you to consider three main factors that contribute to your child’s and family’s functioning.  I call this my “Child Development 101” lecture – here in highly abbreviated form:

1. Individual Characteristics – what’s your child’s personality like – both biologically-based temperament and his or her learned thoughts, feelings, and perceptions?  These are the filters that help determine your child’s functioning.  Same for you, too!

2. Interpersonal Interactions – when a child behaves a certain way, it also has a lot to
   do with how we set up the situation before hand (expectations, prompts,
   cues) and how we respond afterward (reactions and consequences).  These
   patterns or habits develop over time and influence what we’re likely to
   get from our kids.

3. Environmental Circumstances – Our personalities and interactions with each other don’t occur in a vacuum.  We’re surrounded by external circumstances in our lives that can serve as either supports or stressors – the economy, job satisfaction or stress, family and friends, community groups, cultural values, societal trends, significant life events, to name a few.

When working with clients, we use a Big Picture Map to look at these main factors, and then assign positive or negative point values based on how you see that part of your life.

From this vantage point, reflect on where your strengths are and where your biggest struggles are.  Recognize that you, your child, everyone, has some of both.  That perspective alone lets you do two powerful things that will give you a big energy boost.

Appreciate this perspective.  Our problems do not define us, they are just a small part of the big picture of our lives.  Our problems need not consume us, unless we choose to see them that way.  As my friend and mentor Christine Kloser recommends, take a God’s-eye view of your situation. Accept that even the “weaknesses” are there for a reason.  All aspects of our lives are blessings, are gifts to be received with grace.  If we believe that, and refocus on that, the heavy weight of the problem shrinks.

Remember, what we focus on, expands.  How we view our situation goes a long way to determining our situation.  So view your problems for what they are – just a part of the picture.  And ones that you can either work steadily to change, or accept and cope with.  The choice is yours.  Either way, get the support you need to follow through.

Then consciously focus on and celebrate your strengths!  Harness your positive attributes and resources – write ‘em down, proclaim them, own them, use them to overcome your challenges and to thrive in other areas of your life.  What you focus on, expands!  Know and grow your strengths.

With this big picture perspective, you can step back into the daily hustle with renewed energy and determination to face daily stressors – both yours and your kids – with ease and grace.

Q:  How can I enjoy time for myself, without the guilt?

A: I just received this question in a workshop last week, and right away I thought of two ways to answer it – one spiritual and one practical.  I’d like to share both.  But let me be clear, the spirituality I talk about here transcends any one particular religion.  I believe in a universal, loving God or Source that is a core part of our humanity, and one that dearly needs to remain with us, through various doctrines or creeds perhaps, as we raise our children in this ever-challenging world.

So, back to the question!  As Marianne Williamson so beautifully put it, “You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

Wow! Okay, a little far out, perhaps, but bear with me.  If you think about your child in a calm moment (!), you are amazed at the miracle of life that he or she is.  You want the best for your child.  You want him or her to be happy and healthy, to feel nourished in body, mind, and spirit.  When our children grow up do we want that any less for them?  Do they deserve any less?  No, of course not.  Well, we’re all grown-up children ourselves, are we not?  So if its true for your child, it’s true for you!

As it says in one of my favorite poems, Desiderata, “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.”  So the spiritual tip is this: STOP, RELAX, & THINK!  Realize you are a child of God, fully deserving of love, respect, and nurturance yourself.  Period.  Now, if that’s a struggle for you, as it is for many of us, then you may want to seek support that helps you stay centered on this truth.  I know a good family wellness coach who would be glad to help…

And if that’s all too woo-woo for you, then let’s try the practical.  Plain and simple.  If life is too crazy busy and feels like an airliner plummeting through wild turbulence headed for disaster, and you and your child are gasping for oxygen, whatcha gonna do?  If you don’t give yourself the oxygen first, you’re literally not going to be conscious enough to save your child.  That’s why we’ve developed the Conscious Parenting Circle coaching program – to help parents remain more fully conscious of how they are taking care of their own needs as well as their kids’ needs

One more thing.  If you imagine yourself being a pitcher filled with love and wisdom for your children, and you want to fill their little cups up with the good stuff you have to offer, but the pitcher is empty… What does your child get from you?  Nada.  So of course, you need to keep refilling your own pitcher to have something nourishing to offer your children.  So if you’re still in doubt about how much TIME OFF you deserve, then go ahead and tell yourself, you’re doing it for your children’s sake.  A great guilt reliever!

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