It’s Memorial Day Weekend.  Do you know where you mind is?  How about your heart?

You’ve got an extra day off from work; the kids have the day off from school.  So what are you doing with this gift of time?  Tend to the garden, go to a park, have a cook-out, catch up on some chores, visit some friends, wash cars, pay bills, surf the web, go to a movie, clean the bathrooms, or what?  What are you going to do with this little holiday break, the unofficial start of summer, and why?

It’s a national holiday, and the United States will honor those who gave their lives to protect our country and to protect the ideals of freedom and liberty for all.  Who will you be remembering and honoring, so that their lives will continue to be a positive influence on your children?

Amongst all the running around, or just putting your feet up and doing nothing, take a few minutes each day this weekend to pause, reflect, and be aware of what you are thankful for.  What gifts of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are you enjoying right now, thanks to the country that with all its flaws has provided you with these opportunities?  And give thanks to a God or Universe that, without any flaws, has seen to it that your life is just perfect as it is – whatever the circumstances, you are loved and worthy of love.

Now, with a centering prayer or reflection of gratitude like that each day this weekend, go ahead and pay attention to those thoughts as much as you can throughout the day.  Notice how lighter and happier you may feel.  Notice how your attitude about the stresses of daily life may shift, and the more important matters of the heart rise to the surface more easily.

Quietly notice what other pleasures you see around you that you are thankful for.  Let this awareness guide you in feeling more free and giving to others – especially with your children.

With this heightened awareness of what you are grateful for, what and whom you wish to remember this weekend, you will more easily honor those that came before you, and more fully pass on those gifts of love to your children, family, and friends.

Now, with that little extra oomph of gracious awareness, spoken out loud to your family or just carried as a glowing light inside you, go crank up the grill and have some fun!

The same way you can move from “stressed and surviving” to “thankful and thriving” the rest of the year, too – using my TIME OFF, TIME IN, and TIME OUT strategies!  Try using some of these tips from my “T3” Family Wellness Program:

Take TIME OFF to…

Regain Perspective.  Zoom out and look at the big picture.  What developmental stage is your child in?  Your family?  Dealing with your tot’s excitement and irritability, fears and fantasies, or your tween’s booming obsession with peer friendships and extracurricular activities, or your teen’s growing needs for independence and intimacy outside of the family?  Adjust your expectations for family fun to fit your child’s developmental needs.

What is your temperament or personality type?  Your child’s temperament?  Do you prefer more socializing and thrilling activities or calm and peaceful solitude during Christmas vacation?  Which activities do you find energy-gaining versus energy-draining?  Your child?  Adjust accordingly.

And what are the environmental circumstances that are either sources of support or stress for you this year?  Job satisfaction, financial constraints, the cleanliness, beauty, and repair of your home, extended family and social relationships, society demands and media influences.

Be aware of these developmental, temperamental, and environmental factors, and how they may be affecting your tolerance for facing the added challenges of the holidays.

If the big picture looks and feels strong this year, you may have the energy to splurge on the holidays.  If not, reset the bar of expectations, and dial-down the demands on yourself and your family.  You don’t HAVE to go to all those parties, or host one, or buy all the those gifts, or bake all that food.  Choose commitments for the holiday season that fit with your mood and energy level, and with those of your children and spouse.  There is no one perfect way.  Get some perspective.  Listen to your gut, and go with it.

Reset Priorities.  Accept that you can’t do or have it all. (Sorry, Charlie!)  Choose 1 to 3 top priorities that you care about the most – ones that will bring you the most happiness during this holiday season.  Let go of the rest.  Let it go.  Now, plan ahead.  Schedule several hours out of the 168 you have every week (yes, including Christmas week!), to dedicate to enjoying those priorities.

Restore Power.  How important do you think it is that your children are well-rested, well-fed, and well-energized – with ample opportunity for rest, relaxation, and recreation?  Do they need some active, run-around, get-it-out-of-your-system crazy fun time, as well as some quiet, recharge-your-batteries, rest time in order to be at their best?  Sure they do.  And so do you.  It’s not really optional – unless you want to feel run down and out-of-gas during the holidays.  So, umm, SURPRISE!  Sleep, eat, exercise, rest.  All are critical to enjoying life during the holidays – and afterwards.  Give yourself and your children these gifts first, so you can enjoy any additional gifts that may come your way.

Give TIME IN to…

Communicate Clearly.  Pay attention!  Use active listening with your kids (and your spouse).  Be sure you really hear what your child is saying, what they really mean, with their words and their behavior.  Reflect back to them what you understand they’re saying.  Yep, just paraphrase it.  “Oh, you’d really like to go to that party with your friends, instead of staying home for family night on Friday.  Okay, well let’s think about that…”  Then weigh the pros and cons to the child and the family, and make a considered decision.  The parent has the final say, but you’ll create more open conversations if you’ve honestly listened, understood, and took your child’s feelings and needs into consideration first.  Sometimes you give, sometimes you take.  But if you think and talk with calm, caring, consideration, your children will learn to do likewise.

No time or energy for this type of discussion during the busy holiday season?  Well, taking short cuts here will likely lead to more stress and conflict.  During harried times is exactly the time we need to slow down the most!  So model calm, reflective, and empathic communications with your child, and you’ll likely get a generous gift in return.

Connect Routinely.  Pay attention!  You’ve got to cook and eat and clean anyway – so look at these activities as opportunities to bond with your kids – not as some tedious tasks you have to do before you can enjoy your kids.  Lighten up!  Turn these daily or seasonal chores and errands into playful activities with your kids.  Make guessing games, beat-the-clock games, treasure-hunt games, creativity or cleanliness contests (cooperatively or competitively) – out of shopping, decorating, or cleaning chores.  Use car rides as a time to chat about holiday wishes and memories or time to sing carols or hymns.  Use bedtime as a time to give thanks for the gifts of the day, and prayers for the well-being of others.

Add in seasonal rituals, but be sure to subtract other non-essential routines in order to fit them in.  And communicate clearly about expectations ahead of time.  As usual, give the child some choice (chocolate chip or peanut butter; you want to stir or pat) nested within your choices and expectations (we’re baking cookies today).

Contribute to Community.  Help your child feel a sense of belonging to something bigger and discover the deep satisfaction of giving to others.  Participate in a team, club, school, church, or other organization function.  Children develop self-esteem and self-worth by earning it, and they do that best when they can contribute with their personal effort and skills to some cause that they care about.  Help your child or family choose a particular cause or charity they’d like to contribute to, and set aside real time and resources to make the spirit of giving come alive for them.

Call TIME OUT to…

Resolve Conflicts.  When tempers or anxieties flare, as they will, be prepared.  Set your child up for success with clear, specific, and realistic expectations.  Focus on the solutions to problem behaviors, with positive prompts of what you want the child to DO, not just negative-nagging about what you DON’T want them to do.  “Please wait your turn to pick an ornament, everyone will get plenty of opportunities, as long as you wait nicely until you’re sister’s out of the way” instead of “Stop shoving and grabbing!”

And the holidays are not a time to be overly-lenient or to throw-away all rules and structure.  Hold the child accountable for appropriate behaviors (good manners, polite and friendly participation in family activities) with clear, firm limits and effective consequences.

Effective consequences, remember, are ones that are MEANINGFUL for the child and ENFORCEABLE for the adult.  Emphasize that certain things the child is looking forward to (digital “screen time,” games, videos, outings with friends, etc.) are privileges to be earned, not God-given rights – even if it is Christmas vacation.

Remember to stay focused on the positive outcomes both you and your child desire, and you’ll be rewarded with more of those positive outcomes.  Such as, “WHEN you clean all this up – wrapping paper in the trash can, toys stacked neatly under the tree, dirty dishes in the sink, THEN you can play that new video game – and I can’t wait to watch you do it!  Let’s go!”

I remember vividly one day when I was a young boy, during catechism class when the stern, habit-headed nun asked us, “What day is Thanksgiving?” – referring to the upcoming holiday.  Hands flew up, and everybody took a guess, “November 24th,” “Next Thursday,”  “November 30th,” “the third Thursday of November – no, the fourth.”  After numerous guesses fell short of our teacher’s expectations, a little light went off in my head, and I tentatively raised my hand one more time. “Every day,” I said simply.

I can still picture the beaming smile on her face, as she replied, “Yes, indeed.  Every day is for Thanksgiving.”  And I’ve never forgotten that lesson.

Yet how do we apply it during the hustle and bustle of everyday life, when we get so busy and stressed?  How do we keep that simple truth alive and well, especially during the holiday season when our regular to-do list doubles in size with extra shopping, cooking, cleaning, and entertaining?

How do we truly experience “Joy to the World” when we’re ready to pull our hair out after hearing that song for the one millionth time, and it’s only the second week of December? Here are a few friendly reminders on how to keep the spirit of the holiday season alive and well for you and your children.

Ask yourself “Why?”  Stop and catch yourself – at the beginning of the month, the week, the day, and throughout each day. “What am I doing?  What choice am I making right now with my limited time/energy/money?   And why?  Why am I doing this?”

Remind yourself of the REASON for the SEASON.  Whatever your particular creed or beliefs – it is a time for celebrating humankind with renewed love, light, and hope.  It’s a time for being thankful for the gifts OF family and friends, not just FROM them.  When you recenter your thoughts on what is most important to you about this holiday season, then you can commit yourself to consciously putting those priorities into practice.

If you’re baking extra breads or cookies, is it a burdensome chore because you have to, you feel you should, or it’s just always been done that way?  Or are you doing it because you want to, you choose to?  Your frame of mind here goes a long way to defining how you and your children will experience this activity.

If you know your children really enjoy that tradition, and you’re looking forward to giving them that gift of love, and you love the warm, fresh smells that remind you fondly of holidays past, then go for it.  Remind yourself this is why you’re doing it, and you’ll appreciate the fun of making yummy treats as well as memories for your own kids.

Clarify expectations and accept limitations.  Know that if you make the choice for extra cookie baking, you won’t necessarily have time for all the holiday movies you were hoping to watch.  Set realistic expectations that don’t include notions of perfection.

Be clear that this is a season for giving, sharing, and celebrating LOVE with one another, not just THINGS.  And that means giving up some of our own wants to share in other’s pleasures as well.

Make a list of your top 3-5 wishes for a fun, stress-less holiday.  Have everyone in the family make their own list, with the clear understanding that you will do some of what each person wants, but not be able to do it all.  Compare wish lists and agree to choose 1 or 2 from each person’s list.  Schedule 1 or 2 time blocks each week for the month of December, when everyone agrees they’re going to do a designated family activity.  Rotate who’s turn it is, and do something from that family member’s list.

Remind yourself and your children that gifts come in many different sizes and shapes.  Play a game of mindfully appreciating and speaking about one gift that you received and one that you gave each day of the month.  Gifts may come as material things, yes, including the things we take for granted – the clothes on our back, our daily food, a cup of coffee, some fresh cut flowers for the kitchen table, a gallon of gas for the car that took us to the Christmas Concert.

Yet gifts, often the best ones, also come in the form of shared belongings, compliments, time, activity, or service.  Help your children open their eyes and ears and hearts to this reality.  Help them make conscious choices about what they are grateful for each day and willing to give of themselves each day.  Small rituals, like a morning family reflection or an evening review of “gifts received and given today” that take just 5 minutes can offer enormous rejuvenation in the middle of daily strife and stress.

If you’re really into it, have your kids write one of these reflections on paper cut-out decorations – stars or bells or whatever, colored to desire, and hang daily on a little “Gratitude and Giving” tree.  (After the holiday, you can collect these into a small box or file labeled with the year, and turn this into a rich accumulation of blessings over the years!)

With your children, decorate and fill shoe-box care packages for children in an orphanage or soldiers overseas or the elderly in a nursing home.  Write little hand-written notes about a wish you have for that anonymous person in the coming year.

Ask your children to collect 3 of their toys (in good shape and cleaned) that they’re willing to give away to other children who aren’t as fortunate as they are, and donate them to an abuse shelter or homeless shelter.  This teaches that in order to make room to receive, literally, we need to be able to give as well.

Don’t over do it.  Pick one of these things each week perhaps, and do it whole-heartedly. Enjoy the anticipatory excitement, the momentary experience, and the fond memories.  Make mindful choices about what brings you and your children the greatest joy, and become fully engaged in that activity – as exhilarating or restful as it may be.

Just give yourself to it fully, and in so doing, you’ll receive the greatest gift of all.