It’s Thanksgiving – the time of year when we pause to give thanks for the bounty of the harvest and the blessings of family and friends.  Yet Thanksgiving is a holiday that can serve us, and our children, best when we celebrate it throughout the year.

Developing an “attitude of gratitude” isn’t about some compulsory mandate to run around and say thank you to others because it’s the polite thing to do (though that’s not exactly a bad thing, either!).  It’s about acknowledging and appreciating the blessings that we’ve received, that we are receiving, and that we look forward to receiving. 

And like most things, it’s an opportunity to make a conscious choice.  It’s not about glossing over the struggles and suffering of life.  Rather, it’s fully acknowledging those things too, and appreciating that we’re still here.  It’s recognizing that somehow we’ve overcome those challenges, we’ve survived that pain, and we’re still capable of laughing, loving, and learning how to enjoy another day. 

When we practice an attitude of gratitude, we receive many unanticipated bonuses.  Recent research has shown that being thankful leads to improved moods, physical health, relationships, productivity, and sense of well-being.  It decreases depression, and increases happiness and life satisfaction.

This habit of maintaining an attitude of gratitude isn’t always easy, especially if you haven’t been naturally inclined towards it.  There can be obstacles to gratitude, brought about by life experiences and self-defeating thought patterns.  In fact, the brain is wired somewhat for a “negativity bias” where, for the survival of the species, it pays attention to and remembers negative or threatening encounters most vividly.  This can be magnified, of course, by real life suffering or traumatic events.  And the busyness of daily life itself doesn’t easily allow periods of reflection, where grace and gratitude can grow.

Sometimes those of us raised in western societies who are taught so much about self-reliance and self-sufficiency, are uncomfortable with the notion of receiving from others and appearing dependent or needy.  Other mental roadblocks, such as comparison thinking, perceptions of victimhood, and internal conflicts about worthiness can get in the way.

Yet the amazing thing about human beings is that, as always, we have a choice.  We have a brain that is also uniquely wired for conscious thought.  We have the ability to consider and choose how we want to respond to any given situation. 

When we choose to STOP, RELAX, AND THINK about what makes us happy, about what gifts we’ve received in life, about what blessings we’ve encountered – then we can start a positive snowball rolling in the direction of greater happiness and contentment with our lives.

This practice is essential to our personal well-being, which is essential to providing positive parenting (and teaching), which is essential to our children’s ability to thrive in today’s ever-challenging world.

So, how do you develop a healthier attitude of gratitude?

Dr. Robert Emmons is a prominent researcher in this area and the author of the popular book Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier.  I was privileged to participate in a semester-long course with Dr. Emmons several years ago on this subject, and it was an incredibly uplifting experience!  Here’s what he and others have concluded are the “top ten tips” for maintaining gratitude:

1. Keep a Gratitude Journal.  Writing in a daily journal, even simply listing three things that you’re thankful for that day, has been shown to relieve depression in some people as much as antidepressant medications.  It develops your ability to be on the look out for blessings, to focus on and remember the things that matter most.  Ten minutes a day, applied regularly, can work wonders for your soul and your moods.

2. Remember the Bad.  Acknowledge and accept the bad things that have happened to you, and then recognize that you’re still standing.  It’s about moving from “I’m either happy and grateful or I’m miserable about things” to allowing that I can feel “both happy with good things in my life and sad or mad about other things.”  Both are real, and you can really appreciate the sunshine when you recognize that you’ve weathered the storm

3. Ask Yourself Three Questions.  A traditional eastern mediation technique known as Naikan involves reflecting on three questions that can help us address difficult situations and relationships.  The three questions are: 

“What have I received from…?”
“What have I given to…?”
“What troubles and difficulty have I caused…?”

Quietly reflecting on these questions for 15-20 minutes each evening can provide a powerful reshaping of our inner dialogue and open us up to a more humble and grateful disposition.

4. Learn Prayers of Gratitude.  People with rich spiritual lives, including the religious practice of praying daily, feel much more gratitude, peacefulness, and security in their lives.  As they say, give it up to a higher power, and give thanks to God, the Universe, or your understanding of Life-Giving Source.

5. Come to Your Senses.  Pay attention to what you see, hear, touch, smell, taste.  Be present to the here and now, and experience the natural pleasures that surround you every waking minute.  Get out of your head, and into a full awareness of your natural senses.  Become intoxicated and invigorated with life’s sights, sounds, smells, and textures.

6. Use Visual Reminders.  Surround yourself with beauty, art, and inspiration.  Have photographs, images, and quotes posted all around that inspire and remind you.  To breathe.  To relax.  To appreciate.

7. Make a Vow to Practice Gratitude.  Behavior and mindset changes occur more easily when we’ve made a vow, a firm commitment, to do so.  When you decide to change, you will.  Not want it or wish it or thinking about it or trying it.  When you are determined to change, you will.  Make a vow to yourself, and then to another person for support, and commit to following through.

8. Watch Your Language.  Your words influence your thoughts and actions.  What you say out loud reinforces your worldview and helps to create your actual experience.  Be mindful of what words are coming out of your mouth.  Make a conscious choice to speak more words of kindness and gratitude.  Catch yourself speaking otherwise, and when you do, simply “Rewind and Replay.”

9. Go Through the Motions.  The old saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it” has some wisdom in it.  Smiling sets off signals to the brain that start lighting up neural connections involving positive mood and memory.  When you start saying “Thank You” to the world more often, start writing down things your grateful for, it can start that positive snowball rolling, even if you’re not totally feeling it.  Stay with it, earnestly seeking to find blessings in your life, and the grateful feelings will start to flow.

10. Think Outside the Box.  Look for the gift, the blessing, where you least expect to find it.  Crises and catastrophes – natural, medical, financial, relational – have a way sometimes of waking people up to what really matters.  They can, indeed, be blessings in disguise. 

With my thanks to Dr. Emmons, I pass on these tips to you as a Thanksgiving gift.  Don’t feel the need to put too much on your plate – you don’t need to gobble up all of these tips at once – or ever.  Just pick one or two and dig in, savoring them this week and every week throughout the year.  You, and your children, will be glad you did.

It’s Memorial Day Weekend.  Do you know where you mind is?  How about your heart?

You’ve got an extra day off from work; the kids have the day off from school.  So what are you doing with this gift of time?  Tend to the garden, go to a park, have a cook-out, catch up on some chores, visit some friends, wash cars, pay bills, surf the web, go to a movie, clean the bathrooms, or what?  What are you going to do with this little holiday break, the unofficial start of summer, and why?

It’s a national holiday, and the United States will honor those who gave their lives to protect our country and to protect the ideals of freedom and liberty for all.  Who will you be remembering and honoring, so that their lives will continue to be a positive influence on your children?

Amongst all the running around, or just putting your feet up and doing nothing, take a few minutes each day this weekend to pause, reflect, and be aware of what you are thankful for.  What gifts of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are you enjoying right now, thanks to the country that with all its flaws has provided you with these opportunities?  And give thanks to a God or Universe that, without any flaws, has seen to it that your life is just perfect as it is – whatever the circumstances, you are loved and worthy of love.

Now, with a centering prayer or reflection of gratitude like that each day this weekend, go ahead and pay attention to those thoughts as much as you can throughout the day.  Notice how lighter and happier you may feel.  Notice how your attitude about the stresses of daily life may shift, and the more important matters of the heart rise to the surface more easily.

Quietly notice what other pleasures you see around you that you are thankful for.  Let this awareness guide you in feeling more free and giving to others – especially with your children.

With this heightened awareness of what you are grateful for, what and whom you wish to remember this weekend, you will more easily honor those that came before you, and more fully pass on those gifts of love to your children, family, and friends.

Now, with that little extra oomph of gracious awareness, spoken out loud to your family or just carried as a glowing light inside you, go crank up the grill and have some fun!

The same way you can move from “stressed and surviving” to “thankful and thriving” the rest of the year, too – using my TIME OFF, TIME IN, and TIME OUT strategies!  Try using some of these tips from my “T3” Family Wellness Program:

Take TIME OFF to…

Regain Perspective.  Zoom out and look at the big picture.  What developmental stage is your child in?  Your family?  Dealing with your tot’s excitement and irritability, fears and fantasies, or your tween’s booming obsession with peer friendships and extracurricular activities, or your teen’s growing needs for independence and intimacy outside of the family?  Adjust your expectations for family fun to fit your child’s developmental needs.

What is your temperament or personality type?  Your child’s temperament?  Do you prefer more socializing and thrilling activities or calm and peaceful solitude during Christmas vacation?  Which activities do you find energy-gaining versus energy-draining?  Your child?  Adjust accordingly.

And what are the environmental circumstances that are either sources of support or stress for you this year?  Job satisfaction, financial constraints, the cleanliness, beauty, and repair of your home, extended family and social relationships, society demands and media influences.

Be aware of these developmental, temperamental, and environmental factors, and how they may be affecting your tolerance for facing the added challenges of the holidays.

If the big picture looks and feels strong this year, you may have the energy to splurge on the holidays.  If not, reset the bar of expectations, and dial-down the demands on yourself and your family.  You don’t HAVE to go to all those parties, or host one, or buy all the those gifts, or bake all that food.  Choose commitments for the holiday season that fit with your mood and energy level, and with those of your children and spouse.  There is no one perfect way.  Get some perspective.  Listen to your gut, and go with it.

Reset Priorities.  Accept that you can’t do or have it all. (Sorry, Charlie!)  Choose 1 to 3 top priorities that you care about the most – ones that will bring you the most happiness during this holiday season.  Let go of the rest.  Let it go.  Now, plan ahead.  Schedule several hours out of the 168 you have every week (yes, including Christmas week!), to dedicate to enjoying those priorities.

Restore Power.  How important do you think it is that your children are well-rested, well-fed, and well-energized – with ample opportunity for rest, relaxation, and recreation?  Do they need some active, run-around, get-it-out-of-your-system crazy fun time, as well as some quiet, recharge-your-batteries, rest time in order to be at their best?  Sure they do.  And so do you.  It’s not really optional – unless you want to feel run down and out-of-gas during the holidays.  So, umm, SURPRISE!  Sleep, eat, exercise, rest.  All are critical to enjoying life during the holidays – and afterwards.  Give yourself and your children these gifts first, so you can enjoy any additional gifts that may come your way.

Give TIME IN to…

Communicate Clearly.  Pay attention!  Use active listening with your kids (and your spouse).  Be sure you really hear what your child is saying, what they really mean, with their words and their behavior.  Reflect back to them what you understand they’re saying.  Yep, just paraphrase it.  “Oh, you’d really like to go to that party with your friends, instead of staying home for family night on Friday.  Okay, well let’s think about that…”  Then weigh the pros and cons to the child and the family, and make a considered decision.  The parent has the final say, but you’ll create more open conversations if you’ve honestly listened, understood, and took your child’s feelings and needs into consideration first.  Sometimes you give, sometimes you take.  But if you think and talk with calm, caring, consideration, your children will learn to do likewise.

No time or energy for this type of discussion during the busy holiday season?  Well, taking short cuts here will likely lead to more stress and conflict.  During harried times is exactly the time we need to slow down the most!  So model calm, reflective, and empathic communications with your child, and you’ll likely get a generous gift in return.

Connect Routinely.  Pay attention!  You’ve got to cook and eat and clean anyway – so look at these activities as opportunities to bond with your kids – not as some tedious tasks you have to do before you can enjoy your kids.  Lighten up!  Turn these daily or seasonal chores and errands into playful activities with your kids.  Make guessing games, beat-the-clock games, treasure-hunt games, creativity or cleanliness contests (cooperatively or competitively) – out of shopping, decorating, or cleaning chores.  Use car rides as a time to chat about holiday wishes and memories or time to sing carols or hymns.  Use bedtime as a time to give thanks for the gifts of the day, and prayers for the well-being of others.

Add in seasonal rituals, but be sure to subtract other non-essential routines in order to fit them in.  And communicate clearly about expectations ahead of time.  As usual, give the child some choice (chocolate chip or peanut butter; you want to stir or pat) nested within your choices and expectations (we’re baking cookies today).

Contribute to Community.  Help your child feel a sense of belonging to something bigger and discover the deep satisfaction of giving to others.  Participate in a team, club, school, church, or other organization function.  Children develop self-esteem and self-worth by earning it, and they do that best when they can contribute with their personal effort and skills to some cause that they care about.  Help your child or family choose a particular cause or charity they’d like to contribute to, and set aside real time and resources to make the spirit of giving come alive for them.

Call TIME OUT to…

Resolve Conflicts.  When tempers or anxieties flare, as they will, be prepared.  Set your child up for success with clear, specific, and realistic expectations.  Focus on the solutions to problem behaviors, with positive prompts of what you want the child to DO, not just negative-nagging about what you DON’T want them to do.  “Please wait your turn to pick an ornament, everyone will get plenty of opportunities, as long as you wait nicely until you’re sister’s out of the way” instead of “Stop shoving and grabbing!”

And the holidays are not a time to be overly-lenient or to throw-away all rules and structure.  Hold the child accountable for appropriate behaviors (good manners, polite and friendly participation in family activities) with clear, firm limits and effective consequences.

Effective consequences, remember, are ones that are MEANINGFUL for the child and ENFORCEABLE for the adult.  Emphasize that certain things the child is looking forward to (digital “screen time,” games, videos, outings with friends, etc.) are privileges to be earned, not God-given rights – even if it is Christmas vacation.

Remember to stay focused on the positive outcomes both you and your child desire, and you’ll be rewarded with more of those positive outcomes.  Such as, “WHEN you clean all this up – wrapping paper in the trash can, toys stacked neatly under the tree, dirty dishes in the sink, THEN you can play that new video game – and I can’t wait to watch you do it!  Let’s go!”

I remember vividly one day when I was a young boy, during catechism class when the stern, habit-headed nun asked us, “What day is Thanksgiving?” – referring to the upcoming holiday.  Hands flew up, and everybody took a guess, “November 24th,” “Next Thursday,”  “November 30th,” “the third Thursday of November – no, the fourth.”  After numerous guesses fell short of our teacher’s expectations, a little light went off in my head, and I tentatively raised my hand one more time. “Every day,” I said simply.

I can still picture the beaming smile on her face, as she replied, “Yes, indeed.  Every day is for Thanksgiving.”  And I’ve never forgotten that lesson.

Yet how do we apply it during the hustle and bustle of everyday life, when we get so busy and stressed?  How do we keep that simple truth alive and well, especially during the holiday season when our regular to-do list doubles in size with extra shopping, cooking, cleaning, and entertaining?

How do we truly experience “Joy to the World” when we’re ready to pull our hair out after hearing that song for the one millionth time, and it’s only the second week of December? Here are a few friendly reminders on how to keep the spirit of the holiday season alive and well for you and your children.

Ask yourself “Why?”  Stop and catch yourself – at the beginning of the month, the week, the day, and throughout each day. “What am I doing?  What choice am I making right now with my limited time/energy/money?   And why?  Why am I doing this?”

Remind yourself of the REASON for the SEASON.  Whatever your particular creed or beliefs – it is a time for celebrating humankind with renewed love, light, and hope.  It’s a time for being thankful for the gifts OF family and friends, not just FROM them.  When you recenter your thoughts on what is most important to you about this holiday season, then you can commit yourself to consciously putting those priorities into practice.

If you’re baking extra breads or cookies, is it a burdensome chore because you have to, you feel you should, or it’s just always been done that way?  Or are you doing it because you want to, you choose to?  Your frame of mind here goes a long way to defining how you and your children will experience this activity.

If you know your children really enjoy that tradition, and you’re looking forward to giving them that gift of love, and you love the warm, fresh smells that remind you fondly of holidays past, then go for it.  Remind yourself this is why you’re doing it, and you’ll appreciate the fun of making yummy treats as well as memories for your own kids.

Clarify expectations and accept limitations.  Know that if you make the choice for extra cookie baking, you won’t necessarily have time for all the holiday movies you were hoping to watch.  Set realistic expectations that don’t include notions of perfection.

Be clear that this is a season for giving, sharing, and celebrating LOVE with one another, not just THINGS.  And that means giving up some of our own wants to share in other’s pleasures as well.

Make a list of your top 3-5 wishes for a fun, stress-less holiday.  Have everyone in the family make their own list, with the clear understanding that you will do some of what each person wants, but not be able to do it all.  Compare wish lists and agree to choose 1 or 2 from each person’s list.  Schedule 1 or 2 time blocks each week for the month of December, when everyone agrees they’re going to do a designated family activity.  Rotate who’s turn it is, and do something from that family member’s list.

Remind yourself and your children that gifts come in many different sizes and shapes.  Play a game of mindfully appreciating and speaking about one gift that you received and one that you gave each day of the month.  Gifts may come as material things, yes, including the things we take for granted – the clothes on our back, our daily food, a cup of coffee, some fresh cut flowers for the kitchen table, a gallon of gas for the car that took us to the Christmas Concert.

Yet gifts, often the best ones, also come in the form of shared belongings, compliments, time, activity, or service.  Help your children open their eyes and ears and hearts to this reality.  Help them make conscious choices about what they are grateful for each day and willing to give of themselves each day.  Small rituals, like a morning family reflection or an evening review of “gifts received and given today” that take just 5 minutes can offer enormous rejuvenation in the middle of daily strife and stress.

If you’re really into it, have your kids write one of these reflections on paper cut-out decorations – stars or bells or whatever, colored to desire, and hang daily on a little “Gratitude and Giving” tree.  (After the holiday, you can collect these into a small box or file labeled with the year, and turn this into a rich accumulation of blessings over the years!)

With your children, decorate and fill shoe-box care packages for children in an orphanage or soldiers overseas or the elderly in a nursing home.  Write little hand-written notes about a wish you have for that anonymous person in the coming year.

Ask your children to collect 3 of their toys (in good shape and cleaned) that they’re willing to give away to other children who aren’t as fortunate as they are, and donate them to an abuse shelter or homeless shelter.  This teaches that in order to make room to receive, literally, we need to be able to give as well.

Don’t over do it.  Pick one of these things each week perhaps, and do it whole-heartedly. Enjoy the anticipatory excitement, the momentary experience, and the fond memories.  Make mindful choices about what brings you and your children the greatest joy, and become fully engaged in that activity – as exhilarating or restful as it may be.

Just give yourself to it fully, and in so doing, you’ll receive the greatest gift of all.