Just yesterday at our clinic, I spoke with three families who were distraught about nothing more and nothing less than the pace of their lives.  Let me tell you about it.

First scenario.  There was the mother of a 15 year old girl who had come to us recently, very concerned about her daughter’s increasingly belligerent, moody, and withdrawn behaviors.  She felt it was very important to get her into counseling as soon as possible, because the girl rarely spoke in the home, except to blow up at her parents at random, then retreat into her room, headphones, and computer for hours and refuse to come out.  Recently they had discovered some very disturbing information about their daughter and her friends on Facebook. 

We had given the mother some times for the next week to bring her daughter in for an appointment.  She consulted three different calendars, one for each child, fretted about how she didn’t know if she could make it to those appointment times because this child had volleyball and that child had to be driven to soccer camp and the other had youth group and so on.  She left the office saying she’d check on some things and call back.

A week later, those appointment times had come and gone, and we hadn’t heard from this family – until yesterday.  The mother called in, saying she was still quite worried about her daughter, and wanting that same appointment time for next week.  I politely informed her that that time wasn’t available next week, it had only been available this past week.  She became irate, and berated me on the phone because now she would have to go back and look at all her calendars all over again, and she didn’t know how she was ever going to fit these “very important” counseling sessions into their family’s busy schedule.  After being offered several new times, she angrily said she’d get back to us as soon as she figured some things out, and hung up in a huff.

Hmmm, what’s wrong with this picture…?

Second scenario.  I met with a polite and generally affable 12 year-old-boy who slumped back into his chair, looking as forlorn as you can imagine.  He had just started coming in at the end of the school year for attention and organization difficulties, needing some help keeping up with the increasing demands of middle school.  Now school had just ended, and it was the first week of summer vacation, and he was looking more depressed than ever.

“How you doing?” I asked.  “Well, okay, I guess,” he replied with a sigh that would make Eeyore proud. “What’s the matter?” I persisted, using my most brilliant therapeutic skills to deduce that something was wrong.

“Well, it’s just that today I had band camp in the morning, and then I had to come here, and then I have drum lessons next, and then some physical fitness thing at the Y, and then I have to go to a boy scout meeting tonight.  And I was hoping to just chill out a bit this summer.”  Tears welled up in his eyes as he slumped back into the chair even further, looking defeated and hopeless.

Third scenario.  I was coaching two very intelligent professionals who are kind and caring parents.  We have been working on how to manage the impulsive and defiant behaviors of their 6-year-old adopted son.  The mother was spending the summer at home with their two children, intent on giving them the loving attention and support they felt they needed. 

After the first week of summer, this mother was already feeling overwhelmed, because she had managed to take them to a number of enriching, fun, and social activities throughout the first week, but now was at a loss for how to keep the kids productively entertained for the next week, and for 8 more weeks after that.

When I helped her see the value of unscheduled time, the critical importance, in fact, of having “down time” for both kids and parents to relax and recharge their batteries, this mother literally broke down in tears of relief.  She had been feeling such pressure, insidious and subtle, to keep up with all the other mothers who seemed to have such full and happy lives and such wonderful children.

As we talked more, it became clear that both mom and dad were swept up in unspoken worries about their children keeping up with the other kids in this relatively well-off neighborhood and school district.  They only wanted the best for their kids, to make sure they wouldn’t be left behind, academically or socially, athletically or artistically.

Like all caring parents, they wanted to know that their kids were going to be alright, that they’d grow up to be happy, healthy, and productive members of society, and that they, as parents, had done everything possible for their kids.  They didn’t want to feel guilty that they hadn’t given their kids the best shot at life.

When I reassured them that the need for unscheduled, free-play time was just as critical to their child’s development as anything else they might do, they felt an intense release.

Of course, the key is “all things in moderation.”  We don’t want kids who are 24/7 couch potatoes, and we don’t want overscheduled walking-zombies either.

I came home from work yesterday after these three encounters all fired up.  This has been making me crazy for a while now, and I can’t take it anymore.  None of us can, or should!  All the pressures to go, go, go are taking a terrible toll on our emotional well-being, our family relationships, and our kids’ mental health.  It’s just not right.

So I introduce to you today a new word for a critically important concept – the opposite of mindlessly multi-tasking – is what I call timechoicing.

Timechoicing is the act of mindfully choosing how you will spend your time.  It’s the ability of humans to stop, take a deep breath, and make a conscious choice to do what is most important to their well-being.  – To act according to your highest values and principles.  To accept responsibility for how you, and your children, will invest your time today – each day – on healthy, life-fulfilling habits.  And yes, sometimes that means less is more.

How will you know what the right balance is for you and your children?  Take the simple gut-check test.  Are you feeling happy, enthusiastic, energized?  Focused and relaxed?  Or scattered, frustrated, overwhelmed, and exhausted?  How about your child?  Are your daily interactions filled with more playful laughter and acts of loving kindness or more bitter bickering and acts of defiance or disrespect or disregard.

Add or subtract activities to your daily life – varying the quantity and quality – until you have the right mix that works for your kids, your family, your lifestyle.  Stop and think about what relaxes you and energizes you, and make the conscious choice to do more of those things.  Reflect on what frustrates or exhausts you, and consciously choose to change those things or expose yourself to less of them.  Ditto for your kids.

Of course, you may need help shedding old unhealthy habits and growing new healthy habits.  If so, go get yourself a really good family wellness coach and get to it.  (I know someone who’d be glad to help!)

It’s not that you don’t have the time, it’s that you’re not choosing to spend your time on what you say matters most.  Take charge, and make sure you’re timechoicing in a way that serves you and your children best.

Relax and enjoy the days of summer.  Yes, you can.  Will you?

“Teaching Kids Respect – Part 1: Mindfulness”

By Dr. Peter Montminy

mindfulness (n.) the trait of staying aware of, or paying close attention to, your responsibilities; a mental state of calm, enhanced awareness.

respect (v.) to honor or revere; to have a good opinion of someone, and to avoid doing anything they would dislike or regard as wrong.

Many parents and teachers today complain about kids showing so little respect – to adults, to siblings and peers, and even to themselves.  Why is this?

As usual, lots of reasons, but let’s look at a few major factors.  Kids are exposed to grown up activities, language, and attitudes at younger ages, and feel entitled to “get their due” as mini-adults.  There’s been a generation of parenting more concerned with inflating a child’s self-esteem than with instilling self-discipline.  And the ever-present electronic media spreads all sorts of toxic messages like wildfire across the social landscape of kids.  They are increasingly immersed in a commercial and entertainment driven culture where conflict and crassness sells more than civility and caring.

So, what’s a conscious, caring parent to do?!  Two part answer: First, focus on the inside, your own mindset, and cultivate mental habits that will bring forth more respectful and loving parenting practices.  Second, focus on the outside, the actual interactions you have with your children.  Be conscious of your inner thoughts and your outward actions with your kids, and this will lead you all to a path of more respectful relationships.

Of course, the bottom line is you have to give respect to get respect.  So let’s explore some practical ways to do that.  I’ve developed the TOP 12 TIPS for TEACHING KIDS RESPECT based on over 20 years of clinical practice with many distressed families.  Let’s look at the first 6 tips, focusing on mental mindset, today (and the remaining 6 tips, focusing on conscious actions, next week).

Tip #1:  AWARENESS – Be aware of individual differences.  Recognize that all kids – and parents! – have unique personality styles, strengths, and needs.  Be keenly aware of your child’s temperament (high activity or low, slow or quick to warm up to others, flexible or rigid, intuitive or methodical, impulsive or inhibited, highly sensitive or not, high or low frustration tolerance, auditory or visual learner, etc.) – and yours.  Think “How are we the same?  How are we different?” and “So what?”

Appreciate diversity, and don’t expect your kids to deal with life the same way you do, or even the same as their brothers or sisters.  When you keep this in mind, you can more easily find the energy to adapt your parenting style to meet your child’s needs in the most constructive way.  That is, you’ll be better able to get through to your child and help them develop the respectful behaviors you want them to.

Tip #2:  ATTRIBUTIONS – Understand what the major factors are that contribute to your child’s functioning.  Remember there is rarely a single cause of your child’s behavior.  There is no “silver bullet” or “magic solution” that will cure disrespect.  But if you’re paying attention to what the major causes are, and how they interact, you can better guide your child’s emotional and moral development.

The major factors to consider include 1) personal characteristics (biological temperament and psychological “thoughts and feelings” filters), 2) interpersonal interactions (the expectations and consequences you apply to your kids, and how you communicate them), and 3) the environmental circumstances (the stressors and supports that surround the family). 

When considering why your child is behaving that way, keep in mind these factors, and have them lead you to more practical solutions for improving your child’s behaviors.

Tip #3:  ACCEPTANCE – Accept the current reality, and stay focused on what you can control or change.  Recognize that in any situation, there are things you can control and things you can’t.  Accept your limitations, rather than worrying about those things you can’t really do much about, and this will free up your energy to focus on more constructive solutions.

Remember, what you focus on, grows!  Focus your energy, thoughts, conversations, and efforts on what you can control.  Think “Here’s something I can do about it now.”

Tip #4: ATTITUDE – Live each day with a positive, loving attitude and lots of positive energy.  If you don’t fill up your spiritual, mental, and physical gas tanks, you’re running on empty and unable to give your kids the good, positive parenting that will yield the results you want.  Remember, you reap what you sow. 

So, commit to at least 30-minutes a day for self-care and rejuvenation.  That’s only 3 hours out of 168 hours in a week.  The rest of the world will keep functioning, and everyone else’s needs can get met, in the other 165, honest!  Make a conscious choice about caring for yourself first, so you can have more of the positive energy you and your kids deserve.

Tip #5: ATTENTION – Pay attention to building your child’s self-discipline and self-respect, not just self-esteem.  As Jill Rigby points out in her book “Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World” this is an important distinction.  When we worry too much about building up our child’s self-esteem, we often inadvertently give a child a false sense of their own importance and entitlement.

If you focus on developing self-respect instead of self-esteem in your child, you’ll find that you’re dealing with more gratitude than greed, more humility than arrogance, more confidence than insecurity, more perseverance than futility, more contentment than discontentment, more others-centeredness than self-centeredness, and someone who is more well-mannered than ill-mannered

Tip #6: ACCOUNTABILITY – Be empathic to your children’s feelings AND still hold them firmly accountable for their behaviors.  I call this the “Goldilocks Parenting Rule.”  Not too hot, not too cool – not too hard, not too soft.  Always guide your child using a balance of compassionate understanding along with firm and fair expectations and consequences.

Next week, we’ll take a closer look at how to put those firm, fair expectations and consequences into action. 

Meanwhile, remember to remember these six mental mindset tips. 

Be mindful of your:
- Assumptions – Do I recognize and respect individual differences?
- Attributions – Do I know where my kid is coming from?
- Acceptance – Am I accepting reality and only focusing on what I can do?
- Attitude – Am I staying recharged with positive energy and optimism?
- Attention – Am I more focused on developing self-discipline or self-esteem?
- Accountability – Do I balance loving nurturance with firm limits?

There are two main factors you’ll want to keep in mind when choosing consequences to eliminate the daily power struggles you face with a defiant child.

First, let me ask you a seemingly silly question.  Do you believe that in the end, good triumphs over evil?  That the forces of love are stronger than hate?  That positive attention and affection is a more powerful motivator than negative attention and criticism?  How about the old saying, “You can attract more flies with honey than vinegar?”  Well, we don’t really want more flies (or ladybugs!) around, I guess, but hopefully you’re getting my point.

The number one thing you can do to decrease defiant behaviors in children is to “catch ‘em being good!”  Find the little things they’re doing right, and praise it, nurture it, encourage it, compliment it.  Show your child that you notice not just when things go wrong, not just when he or she makes a mistake, but when they make good choices too. Notice and reinforce their positive efforts, maybe not perfect, but in the right direction.  Blow on these sparks of goodness, and you’ll eventually ignite a shining fire of self-worth and self-control in your child.

Research has shown that behavior change occurs best when we use a ratio of positive to negative consequences that is at least 4:1.  Think about it.  Which teacher or boss did you want to work harder for, the one who noticed and complimented your positive efforts while occasionally giving you critical feedback, or the one who only seemed to notice when you screwed up or always kept telling you how you needed to improve?

Pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth tonight when talking to your child.  Count how many times you give your son or daughter positive versus negative feedback.  If you’re honest and attentive, you’ll likely have an eye-opening experience.

Want more positive output from your child?  Start providing more positive input.  It has to be genuine, and it has to be earned.  No false praise.  And no back-handed compliments.  But find something positive to celebrate in your child, and keep letting them know about it!

(If you find this difficult to do, you may need help recharging your own batteries or looking at your child from a different point of view.  Don’t hesitate to get the help you and your child deserve.)

Second, I want to introduce you to the “Law of Minimum Reinforcement.”  Simply stated, you want to do as little as you need to, to get the desired result.  Use whatever you need to, in order to get your child to listen.  But don’t use any more than you need to!  Let’s take a closer look.

I’ve developed the “5 P’s of Positive Reinforcement” that put this law into practice.  Picture the rungs of a ladder, and we’re going to start on the bottom rung (#1) and work our way up (to #5), ONLY AS NEEDED, to get the desired result.  At each level, if you’re not getting the results you want to see in your child, then move up to the next rung on the ladder.

1. Pride. Your child does what he or she needs to on his or her own.  The child feels good inside about doing the right thing.  He or she has internalized our expectations and standards, and has good self-control.“Wow, that must feel good inside!”
   

2. Praise. Child responds well to positive attention and praise for doing a good job.“I really like how you remembered to clean out your lunch box – great helping!”

3. Privileges. Child listens and behaves well in order to earn daily privileges that he enjoys.“You got ready for bed so quickly and nicely tonight – let’s have an extra bedtime story!”

4. Prizes. Child cooperates to earn a special reward or prize.“Nice job keeping your hands to yourself and not whining while mommy was shopping – you may pick out a candy bar!”

5. Points. Child is motivated to earn points towards rewards.“Good job getting all dressed this morning on time, you earned another sticker on your chart.  Four more and we go to Chuckie Cheese!”

Eventually, when you’re child is successfully responding more the way you want, you can start moving back down the ladder, gradually fading the amount of structured feedback you need to provide, and leading your child to more independent, respectful functioning in the world.  It really can happen, with patience and persistence.

You want your daughter to finish her homework, your son to clean up his room, and both of them to stop complaining whenever you ask them to do something.  You’re tired of the daily arguments and endless nagging that it takes to get things done.  Why can’t they just do as they’re told?!

You’ve tried yelling and screaming, bribing and cajoling, but nothing seems to work – not for very long, anyway.  What’s a caring parent to do?

Well, if you’ve been practicing our strategies from the last article on defiant behaviors (http://www.kidstepcoaching.com/ezine/issue3.html), you’re now clearly communicating realistic expectations to your kids, empathizing with their emotional struggles, and encouraging them to make positive behavior choices.  You’ve set them up for success – giving clear, positive directions for how to comply with your expectations even when they don’t feel like it!

Whatever the target behavior is – doing that homework on time, cleaning that room without the attitude – your kids have a choice.  They can comply and cooperate respectfully or they can defy and argue disrespectfully.   They can meet your expectations or not.

Every behavior has a consequence to it, whether we’re aware of it or not, and that consequence can be either positive or negative.  Reset your mind on this important point – consequences are not just punishments, they include rewards, too.  We want to be sure that positive consequences consistently follow your child’s positive behaviors and negative consequences follow negative behaviors.

When your child has made his or her behavior choice – then it’s time for you to respond and follow through as effectively as possible.  It’s payoff time.

As a conscious, caring parent, you want to provide incentives to your child that help them make positive, pro-social choices – both at home and school.  You don’t want to see them stuck in a downward spiral of increasingly negative, anti-social behaviors.  And you don’t want to be using ineffective or inconsistent consequences.

So here’s how you can deliver consequences that motivate your child to comply more with your requests, rather than defy your authority.  Here are 3 key steps to raising a more respectful child.

1.    Enforce limits with effective consequences. Be firm, fair, and fast.  Make sure you deliver on the goods you said you would – whether reward or punishment.  Have the consequence occur as soon after the behavior as possible – within hours (eg., computer privileges following homework) or days (eg., social privileges following clean room).  Be brief, not prolonged – lasting hours  just for tonight) or days (grounded for the weekend), rather than weeks or months.

And be sure to apply my “2 Critical Criteria for Effective Consequences.”  Before applying any consequences, stop and ask yourself these two questions: “Is it MEANINGFUL for my child?” and “Is it DOABLE for the adult?”  An effective incentive has to be something your child really likes and wants, and therefore is willing to change his or her behavior to get it (or dislikes it so much, they’re willing to change their behavior to avoid it).  But your consequences aren’t going to be totally effective unless you are ready, willing, and able to follow through with them, too.  They have to fit your values, your schedule, and your budget.

These guiding principles are universal, but applying them to your child and situation takes some more careful consideration.  In my coaching programs, we figure out how to tailor make the right fit for your particular child’s temperament, development, and environment.

2.    Evaluate your child’s progress – with your child. Most behavior management programs for dealing with disruptive behaviors stop with the immediate consequences we discussed above.  But you’re going to turbo charge the power of your consequences if you continue on with these two additional steps that we use in our family coaching programs – Evaluate and Educate!

When your child makes respectful, responsible choices, it helps to point out to the child that you noticed how well that worked, or better yet, ask them how well that worked for them.  When you make your child more self-aware of their choices and how they turn out, you help your child develop more self-control and self-discipline.  This is our true desired outcome, isn’t it?

When your child makes poor or inappropriate choices, you’ll want to apply those “meaningful and doable” negative consequences (usually withdrawing some privilege).  Then, before re-instating the privilege or letting the child out of Time-Out, use this handy “Exit Interview.”  Ask your child a few simple questions to increase self-awareness: “What did you do that got you this (punishment)?”  “How did that choice work for you or against you?”  “How do you feel about it?”  “Want to make the same choice next time?”

Again, the timing and technique of this varies by child and parent, but the principle is the same – help your children reflect on their choices and see how those choices are connected to the results, or consequences, they get.  This helps reduce the “externalizing blame” game that kids often play – blaming their getting in trouble on everything but their own actions or reactions.

3.    Educate your child about success plans. Discipline comes from the same Latin root word as disciple – meaning “instruction” – teaching and learning.  After all these careful set-up and follow-through steps, ultimately you want your child to learn from their mistakes, to change their behaviors, and to grow into a respectful, cooperative human being.

The whole point of effective discipline is to “teach your child a lesson.”  Now, that doesn’t mean getting into a battle of wills to show him who’s boss.  Hopefully, it really means that you want to teach your kids how to make better choices so they can get along better with others and be happier in life.

To complete the feedback loop that will empower your child to be more respectful, you’ll want to complete the “Exit Interview” in a calm and supportive manner.  Discuss two more points with your child until he or she can answer both with confidence – “What could you do differently when you’re in this situation again?” and “What will you do next time?”

Be sure to brainstorm several possibilities first, and consider their pros and cons, before having your child select a strategy that he or she likes best.  That increases awareness of different alternatives, rather than keeping your child trapped in narrow-minded, habitual reactions.  And it increases your child’s investment in actually using the coping plan if he or she has made their own conscious choice, rather than being told what to do.

Always end your brief discussion of your children’s choices with hope and encouragement.  You might end with my favorite words, “OK, try it and see, and let me know how it goes.  I bet you can do this, and I’m eager to see how it works for you.  When you do that (positive behavior choice) more, Then you’ll be able to enjoy more (positive consequences).  I’m rooting for you!  Love you, now let’s get back out there and have some fun!”

I know a mom and dad (do you?) who are fed up with their son’s constant arguing and negotiating over every little thing.  Getting through each day has become a struggle.

Whether it’s getting out the door in the morning, or getting the homework done each night, or getting the trash taken out, or getting to bed on time – there’s increasingly some discussion, debate, or disagreement.  And they feel like they’re always walking on eggshells, waiting for the next emotional explosion that seems to come out of nowhere.  It’s just plain exhausting.  They keep thinking “Why can’t he just do as he’s told – without all the attitude and backtalk?”

Sometimes it’s in your face defiance “no, you can’t make me!” Sometimes it’s more subtle, with eye-rolls and angry muttering “hey, was that a swear word I just heard?” Sometimes its that he just ignores or avoids what he’s supposed to do altogether – “no mom, I just forgot, jeeze, get off my back!”

These parents love their son.  They want to have more fun, not all this feuding and fighting.  There’s got to be a better way…

First step in making a child behave better is to accept the fact that you can’t make him (or her) behave better.  Remember, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.  The horse, excuse me, your child always has a choice!  It’s his/her behavior, not ours.  We don’t have total control.  As parents, we don’t get all the blame or the credit.  But we have some of it.  So the key is to figure out what part is ours.  What can we do that will make it more likely that our children will make better behavior choices – ones that are more consistent with our values, more socially appropriate, more respectful.

Why do we even care about this?  Because without being able to control their tempers, to comply with rules, to meet expectations and follow directions, our kids are not going to get very far in this world.  And they’re not going to be very happy campers.  And of course, as long as they’re living at home, we’re not going to be very happy either.

So, let’s consider what you as a parent can do to decrease the frequency and intensity of defiant behaviors in your child.  Basically, there are two ways you can most effectively intervene.  You can change how you talk to your child ahead of time – how you set them up for success, and you can control how you respond to them afterwards – how you follow through with effective consequences (or not).

In between, your child always has a choice.  He or she can make a positive, appropriate behavior choice or a negative, inappropriate one.  It’s up to them.  We’re just going to stack the deck – with loving, caring intentions – so the odds are they’ll increasingly want to make the better choice.

When you accept the reality of who has what responsibility here, you’ll be less tense, anxious, and angry.  And you’ll be able to clearly focus on the parenting strategies that give you the best chance for raising a more respectful, caring, and cooperative child.

Today we’ll look at what you can do ahead of time – before the child reacts to your requests with either angry arguments or calm compliance.  Which do you want more of?  Assuming it’s the latter, then here’s the basics that you want to start practicing today:

1. Expect success for your child. Set expectations that are specific, positive, and realistic.  When you just tell your child to “be more responsible” or “watch that attitude” or “just shape up”, we’re not really being very helpful.  Define in simple terms what you really want the child to do, as in “When I ask you to do something, I expect you to look up at me, answer me politely, and discuss nicely when or how you’re going to do it.”  (You’ll have to consistently enforce this for it to become a reality, of course, and we’ll discuss how to do that next time.)

And make sure you’ve set the bar at a level your child can realistically do.  How will you know?  Ask yourself, not what he “should” be doing, but what “could” he being doing – successfully on his own.  Break down your expectations into manageable chunks, and give more limited, specific instructions.  Once that’s done successfully, add the next step, and the next.  Or raise the bar incrementally as you see your child can handle it.

If in doubt, discuss with your child ahead of time, what he thinks he can do and practice how he will do it.  Remember, we’re not trying to trick the child or frustrate him or her – or us.  We’re trying to come up with realistic expectations that can be followed through on successfully.

2.    Empathize with your child’s feelings. Your child isn’t arguing just to be jerk – though I know it can feel that way sometimes.  That arguing is there for a reason – perhaps to gain some sense of control, to vent angry or hurt feelings, to avoid some unpleasant event, to cover up feelings of inadequacy, to right some perceived injustice, or just to try to get something they really want.

Parents often go straight to tug-of-war arguments with their kids about the behavior that they need to do or stop doing, preferably right now!  Instead, pause for just a minute and reflect on how the child is feeling – what are they struggling with, what are they desiring here.  Then share a simple, empathic sentence of understanding to let them know you care.

Again, this isn’t a trick.  You really do care about your child’s feelings, don’t you?  Then show it.  It will empower you – and your child – to cope with the underlying feeling or need, resolve it, and move forward to accomplish the task at hand more quickly and cooperatively.

Before dismissing the child’s arguments and just demanding they do what they’re told, add this sentence first, “I understand you want to keep playing, and we still need to clean up for bed now.”  Or “I see you’re pretty mad about this, let’s take a break for a minute to calm down, then we’ll figure out what to do.”

3.    Encourage your child with positive prompts, not negative nagging. The vast majority of parental commands to kids are negative, as in, “Don’t do that…” or “Stop it…” or “If you don’t (get your work done, finish your vegetables, stop talking back…), Then you won’t (get to watch TV, get dessert, be able to go out this weekend…).”

Some of this is unavoidable, even necessary.  But if 80% of what comes out of your mouth sounds like this (let’s be honest with ourselves!), what do you think your child hears?  Nag, nag, nag – until they either tune you out or start to fight back.

The preventative solution here is to be mindful of the words we say to out kids.  When we can make 80% of our directions positive and encouraging, by focusing on the “DO” behaviors rather than the “DON’T” behaviors, then we’ll get much more positive responses from our children.  Notice how different this sounds, “When you’ve finished and shown me your work, then you can watch your favorite show – I hope you can!”  or “When you remember to talk to me with calm, polite words about this, then we’ll see if you can go out this weekend.”

Makes sense, but this one habit is often the hardest one for parents to change.  It’s also the single biggest, most powerful parenting tool I know.  So practice more positive, encouraging directions with your kids this week – preferably ones that are realistic for them and take into consideration their feelings along the way.  And let me know how it goes!

A: Briefly, there’s three major factors that affect your child’s behavior, and it’s important to consider all three when trying to figure out what you should expect from him or her:

1.    Development. I always ask, “What’s your child’s job?”  At this age, what would we typically expect kids to be doing – academically, behaviorally, socially?  Do you know what to expect from your child generally, and what your child should expect from you at each developmental stage?  Parents need to balance both holding on (to protect) and letting go (to liberate) kids somewhat differently at each stage.

We’ll explore this more in future articles, but here’s a quick snapshot. It’s the toddler’s job to explore the world and their ability to affect it – hey,I can walk and talk – let’s see what I can do with this!  Preschoolers are into magical thinking – full of fantasies and fears that lead them to socialize and play, but they still need the secure base of parents, especially when separating or at nighttime.  In elementary school, kids are thinking concretely, figuring out what belongs with what, how things go together or not, and how things work.  They think in terms of black and white, so fairness is a big issue – and learning to master the rules of reading, math, games, social skills preoccupy their days.  Early adolescence marks the turbulent time of branching out to find an identity outside of mom and dad’s lair, to find friends, to fit in, to figure out what’s cool and not, all turbocharged with puberty’s racing hormones.  Later in adolescence, teens take on more introspection about who they are, how the world works, and where they fit it.  Moodiness and angst is par for the course, as new challenges of handling social pressures, intimacy, and vocational aspirations arise.

2.    Temperament. Considering developmental markers gets us in the right ballpark, but for any given child, we must consider their particular temperament or personality.  Your child, like all of us, comes into the world wired with certain innate tendencies that we would do well to recognize and accept.  Activity level, emotionality, distractibility, persistence, sensitivity, intensity, sociability, and mood are some of the common traits that children (and parents!) vary on greatly.  These tendencies are then reinforced and shaped over time – and can become great assets or liabilities – depending on how they are nurtured or squashed, accepted or rejected, by caregivers.  Are you aware of your child’s temperament, your temperament, and how they interact?

3.    Environment. Environmental conditions, of course, greatly influence your child’s behaviors, and they do so at what I call the “micro” and “macro” levels.  At the micro level, significant others interact with your child in ways everyday that form patterns or habits over time.  We can label the sequence of these interactions the “A-B-C’s” for Antecedents – Behaviors – Consequences.  This sequence is playing out every day, whether you’re aware of it or not.  As you become more conscious of how you set up the antecedent conditions (with positive, realistic expectations and prompts) and how you follow through with meaningful consequences, you will be able to help your child cope with life much more successfully.

At the macro-level, relationships outside of the home may be influencing your child’s behaviors for better and for worse.  Relatives, peers, school and community groups, the mass media, your job – all these external circumstances may serve as supports or stressors – and we’ll want to consider how, for your child’s sake, they can be changed for the better, or coped with better.

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Okay, here we go: to spank or not to spank?  Child abuser or new-age peace freak?

The problem with children today is that they haven’t received enough good old-fashioned “lickins” to set ‘em straight.  The problem is children have been brow-beaten by grown-ups so much, its no wonder they act out their aggressions.

Anyone who spanks is violent.  Anyone who doesn’t spank is a wimp and is letting their kids walk all over them.  My mom gave me the paddle plenty, and I turned out fine.  My parents never used corporal punishment, and I turned out fine.  My dad spanked me lots, and I’ll never lay a finger on my kids…

Amazing, isn’t it, how quickly we tend to polarize these arguments – and how defensive we become about how “our family did it.”  Have you been reading in the national press what I have been?  You may have seen the recent CNN report about the latest study indicating the harmful effects of spanking – though even the experts quoted in the article had varying opinions.

The very next day, I saw a tiny article in the newspaper about a woman in a Salvation Army store in the midwest who was so frustrated by a toddler’s misbehaviors and his mother’s lack of control over him, that she literally took matters into her own hands and put the boy over her knee, spanking him so he would learn his lesson.  Umm, not good.  She’s facing assault charges now.  See, she didn’t even know this boy or his mother.  (Makes you think – would it make a difference if she did know them? What if it were her own grandson or her own child?  Where do we draw that line?)

Anyway, the Great Spanking Debate has reared its ugly head again, and people’s opinions are quite strong on this.  I told myself I should stay out of it, but I can’t.  So here, for better or worse, is my contribution.

By and large I think we’re missing the main point.  The main point is that children need their parents to be there and be in charge with caring hearts and thoughtful minds.  They need parents who are consciously attending to their child’s needs with both love and limits.

Kids thrive when they have parents who

• provide clear expectations about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior,
• model positive behavior choices themselves, and
• consistently apply some type of reasonable discipline.

Now we can, and do, argue a lot about what is “reasonable” discipline.  Almost all of us agree that angrily beating a child is not reasonable.  But beyond these extreme cases, we worry a lot about the virtues and evils of spanking.  This is an important debate, but it misses the more important issue:

• Are we available to our children?
• Monitoring our children?
• Modeling appropriate behavior for our children?
• Praising and positively reinforcing our children’s good behaviors?
• Giving clear and consistent messages?
• Being firm and following through with limits when we set them?
• Providing lots of love and fun and encouragement?

Based on hundreds of research studies, many thousands of hours helping distressed families, and yes, over 20 years of fatherhood,  I would argue that if you are doing these things, you probably have a relatively happy, well-adjusted child.  Add to that an occasional spanking, and I’d bet you still have a child who’s doing well.  Spank your child plenty, and don’t do these other things, and I’d be concerned that your child is going to have a lot of difficulties.

For the record, I do not advocate the use of spanking.  It is not necessary to use physical force to have a well-disciplined child.  It just isn’t.  There are plenty of other techniques that, when applied firmly and fairly, work even better.  And they don’t have the negative side effects of teaching that the way to get a point across is with physical force, or pose the risks of spilling over to physical abuse.

What is most important, however, is that we remember that effective parenting is a package deal that involves many different aspects.  Not just whether to spank or not to spank.