Last week we set the stage for how to help your pre-teen make smart choices for their budding friendships.  This week, we look at the other half of the battle, which involves ongoing supervision and involvement in your child’s activities.

As always, just the right balance is called for here.  You will probably not succeed as a ruthless dictator.  Nor will you succeed as an indifferent, too-busy-to-pay-attention enabler.  We need to actively pay attention, and guide our kids’ choices as best we can, while accepting our limitations.  God knows we can’t know it all or control it all.  Still, we have the right to know WHERE our children are hanging out, WITH WHOM they’re hanging out, and WHAT they are doing while they’re hanging out.

Make it clear that your children are earning the privilege to go out and socialize with friends.  The more honesty and integrity they show you in their choice of social activities, the more trust and independence they can earn.  So when they say they’re going to be with friend X at place Y doing activity Z, they darned well better be doing just that.   You have the right, in fact the responsibility, as a parent to pre-certify that this choice is A-OK – that it’s consistent with your family’s values and your child’s best interests.

How do you safely certify your child’s social choices?  Here’s my list of “Top 10 Tips:”

1. Be very clear with your child what is and is not acceptable behavior, and what consequences will follow what behaviors.  Remind your children that the fun or not-so-fun results are up to them and the behavioral choices they make.  If things have been really rough, you can literally make a list and post it of “Approved” and “Not Approved” Persons, Places, and Activities for your child.

2. Get to know the friend’s name (both first and last – you’d be surprised…), as well as the friend’s address, phone number, and parents’ names.  You need to know this information in case of an emergency, so get it up front as a matter of course, period.

3. Talk to the friend’s parents, on the phone and then in person, about the kids’ plans, your expectations, and the need for open communication between you and them.  These are your allies, make sure you feel that way!

4. Have your child invite the friend(s) over to your house for an after-school activity or dinner before your child does other things with them.

5. Spend the first few minutes chatting with your child and the friend about their day, interests, family, etc.  Then briefly review house rules with them together.  Yeah, the kids may be uncomfortable, embarrassed, or bored, but you want to know if this friend has the basic social skills and manners that you expect.  And you want this friend to see you as a present parent, one who is in charge of this household, who they are accountable to, and who they can turn to if there is any trouble.

6. Let the kids go have their fun, keeping one eye and one ear on the activities.  Check in periodically, offer refreshments, whatever, but do so sparingly.  Now is the time to show some trust.

7. Provide consistent discipline.  Don’t let the children get away with behaviors you find unacceptable just because you’re afraid of embarrassing your child in front of your friends.  Stick to your guns right from the beginning, and you will be sending a powerful message to your children and their friends.  A little bit of this may actually stick and lead to some self-discipline when they are away from your monitoring eyes and ears.

8. Wrap up the get-together by having a brief, casual conversation with the kids together again, perhaps while transporting the friend home.  Regardless of transportation arrangements, make sure all the kids always check in to say “hello” and “goodbye” with you.  It’s a safety check, it’s good manners, and it’s establishing a real relationship with them, so they will respect your influence in a more real way.  Plus it’s just plain friendly and fun.

9. Afterwards, process briefly with your child how it went for them.  You are not interrogating, you are earnestly interested in whether your child had a good time, and if they think they want to spend more time with this friend.  Have an open dialogue, and be frank about what you enjoyed or didn’t about the friend.  If the friend crossed clear limits for acceptable behavior, be clear that this cannot continue.  Don’t attack or criticize your child.  Support him or her in thinking about what to do given the problem.  Encourage your children to think about how they could stop or redirect that behavior in their friends, how they could pursue other activities or situations that wouldn’t as likely lead to the forbidden behavior, or how they could better spend their time with other friends.

10. If things went well, encourage and support your child in spending more time in various activities with this friend.  The best defense against antisocial behaviors in adolescence is having your child engaged in prosocial activities and relationships.  Fill the void with good stuff, and more good stuff will happen.

In addition to academics, success in the social arena is becoming the primary job of your pre-teen.  Help them succeed.  Join your child in constructive thinking about their behavioral and social choices.  Then let them venture off to experiment.

It’s not a perfect science – for parent or child – mistakes will be made.  But with these safeguards in place, we all stand a better chance.

Parents often worry about their children’s choices of friends, especially as they enter the pre-teen and early adolescent years.  We wonder, will my child have any friends, the right kind of friends, who will they be, and what will they be doing?  How will I know if my child’s getting in trouble, hanging with the wrong crowd, or getting exposed to sex, drugs, or violence in ways I don’t approve?    Yikes!  If you weren’t neurotic before, these child-rearing years can certainly do it to you.

Our children don’t help much.  They are increasingly seeking comfort, advice, and camaraderie not within the family, but with their peer group instead.  And that peer group increasingly demands privacy from the parents’ eyes and ears.  We watch from the sidelines (or the chauffeur’s seat in the car) as this drama unfolds.  The kids are gleefully passing notes, phoning, emailing, IMing, texting, skyping, etc. one another.  They’re planning sleep-overs, challenging each other to truth-or-dares, ragging on each other and the world, and sharing heartfelt secrets.  We often have mixed feelings ranging from pride and humor (“Isn’t it cute/great/funny – reminds me of when I was that age”) to horror and dread (“Oh no, what are they up to – reminds me of when I was that age”).

So how to handle our children’s move towards a more independent social life – whether it be blossoming or struggling?  How do we guide our children’s development of healthy friendships without being overly intrusive or neglectful?  A few tips.

First, make your values and limits perfectly clear.  Of course, but how?  NOT with stern, long-winded lectures.  The trick here is to find the brief teachable moments, to share our thoughts in brief sentences, and to encourage repeatedly brief dialogues with out kids about important issues.  (Note the operative word “brief” in the preceding sentence.)

Remember that talks with children at this age are usually best when they are not eye-to-eye, intense verbal discussions focused directly on the child.  Rather, we can use shared TV shows, movies, music, car radio news reports, internet headlines, popular you tube videos, local parent or kid chatter to make our point.

Share and explore what you’re seeing and hearing in the world.  Ask questions about what they’re seeing and hearing in the world.  Use these examples of pro-social and anti-social behaviors as opportunities for discussion about making smart choices.  Ask your kids, where would they draw the line and why?

It’s best to focus on a person’s behavior choices and the natural consequences of those behaviors, not making broad judgments about the person per se.  This is true whether you’re discussing social behaviors observed in the media, the neighborhood, or your own home.

Be empathic, acknowledge the struggle the child may have felt, and point out the positive and negative choices the child could make.  Be clear that positive behavioral choices lead to positive outcomes, and negative choices lead to negative consequences – sooner or later.  (What goes around, comes around!)  Be realistic and fair, and whatever you do, do not exaggerate to make your point.  Kids this age have seriously sensitive BS detectors.

You can use these techniques with almost any topic: smoking, drinking, sex, shoplifting, borrowing, curfews, homework, academic achievement, sportsmanship, morals, hygeine, appearance, eating and sleeping habits, chores, respectful or appropriate talking, trust, commitment, fairness, tolerance, social activities, and more.

Chat with your kids about these issues as they come up and while you’re eating, driving, washing dishes, going for a walk, playing a board game, or just hanging out.  Make sure you have some casual together times daily (at least several times weekly) – to make room for such conversation.  And during these times, make sure you allow the child to contribute his or her ideas, that you are having a dialogue, not a monologue.

Are you respectfully listening to your child’s ideas, before respectfully sharing your own?  Openly and carefully consider your child’s thoughts, feelings, and points of view.  Empathize with their struggles, challenges, and peer pressures.  Then return to your core values and expectations, quite clearly and directly.  Repeat as needed.

You are planting seeds. Just plant them and gently water from time to time.  Do not insistently overwater.

As always, reality check, are you practicing what you’re preaching.  There is no better way to make your values stick with your kids that to daily practice and live them.  None of us are perfect, but how close are we?  The closer our behaviors match our words, the closer our children’s behaviors will match our wishes.

Now, you have laid the groundwork for your children to go out and make smart choices for themselves about their activities and their friends.  That’s half the battle.  The second half of this parenting game plan will be discussed next week.  So stay tuned for ideas on how to effectively monitor your tween’s social life.

We’ve all been there: “We all make mistakes.”  It’s easy for us to say those comforting words – to be compassionate and forgiving – when we see someone else’s kid really mess up.  But how do we handle it when it’s one of our own?  With the same loving kindness and wisdom?

We do all make mistakes, especially our children who are growing up trying to figure out what’s right, what’s wrong, and what they want to do about it.  These moment-to-moment choices ultimately determine where they fit in and who they are.  Our children grow from being naïve, immature pre-schoolers to more aware, mature decision-making pre-adults.  Hopefully.

Are you Laughing-Out-Loud?  If your child has gotten to the teen years yet, or even the tween years, you probably are.  Or you’re rolling your eyes.  Or you’re holding your breath.

It’s so challenging nowadays for both parents and kids to get through the journey from childhood to adulthood without facing some major mistakes and set-backs along the way.  There are just too many challenges, temptations, stressors, and plain bad influences surrounding them at every turn – online and off.

Yes, kids make mistakes.  Big ones.  We’re talking cheating, stealing, or lying.  Physically fighting, bullying or harassing others, vulgar or hurtful gossiping, vengeful acts, self-mutilation.  Drinking, smoking weed, snorting worse, having sex – unsafe or otherwise.  Violating some important family value or social norm.  Making some serious errors of judgment that negatively affect them or those around them.

And sometimes they get caught up in a peer group where these choices get reinforced, glorified, vilified, and amplified, especially in today’s social media world.  Before your child knows it, a single action can get perversely distorted as it spreads like wildfire across the facebook, twitter, and texting landscape of tweens and teens.  Your child gets to relive his or her mistake over and over, and others do too, until a reputation can be built up or broken down in a heartbeat.

What’s a well-meaning parent (or teacher or counselor or coach) to do?  As Winston Churchill said, “All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them.”  How do you help your child get through these growing up mistakes so that they really do learn from them, grow stronger from them?

I’ve developed a protocol over the years for older children and adolescents to go through with a parent (or counselor) when they’ve made a major life mistake – or even a series of them.  It’s called “Resetting Your Compass.”

First, when you discover the bad news about the bad choices your child has made, collect yourself.  Literally take some deep breaths, and spend a few minutes or hours reflecting on what you know, what you don’t know, and how you feel.  Get centered on what you really want your child to learn from this experience – what are the solutions to whatever problems or challenges your child was facing at the time, and how do you hope your child will change for the better as you move forward.  Get the facts first, as clearly as possible – while accepting the fact that you’ll never know all the facts for sure anyway!  But don’t dwell on the past and “why’s,” focus on the future and “how’s.”

As soon as you’ve collected your thoughts and emotions, and done likewise with your spouse or co-parent, then schedule a quiet time and place to sit down with your child to discuss (a) what happened, (b) why, and (c) so what?

The “so what?” part is ultimately the part that matters most. As in, so what do we do now (consequences, restitution, remediation) and what do we do differently moving forward.  Accept that everyone at the table has a responsibility for the problem and the solution.  Discuss how you will guide and supervise your child (and his/her peers) moving forward.  And elicit from your child how he/she will be making smarter choices, even in the face of temptation or adversity, moving forward.

To help with this part, I’ve developed the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire that helps your child review their Big Mistake(s) in terms of where they were coming from, where they are now, and where they’re heading.

I strongly recommend that part of the immediate consequence for your tween or teen is to take this “take home test” seriously.  After your first big sit-down discussion with your child about what happened and what do we do now, let him/her know that this discussion has been “Part 1” of several healing steps you are going to guide your child through, to see that he/she regroups, recovers, and grows stronger from this experience.

The second step is for your teen or tween to take this questionnaire with them (electronic or paper copy) and spend a week reflecting on their answers, and writing them down.  Give the child a week to read, pray, think, discuss with whomever they want whatever they want to about these questions.  But mostly you want them to look inward, not outward, for their answers.  It’s often good to encourage them to read some relevant, inspirational book or passages (yes, hand them to them!) or maybe watch a relevant movie with a moral, to help prime the pump.

Anyway, then they must write or type or dictate their answers to each question, and bring their written responses to the next meeting with you.

Let them know that the writing part is for them only – to promote introspection and honesty with themselves – you will not read the written answers.  But you will look to see that they wrote at least several sentences for each question.  Why?  We want them to go deeply here, not superficially.  You’re using this process for the big mistakes, not the little ones, and we want them to have a big learning experience, hopefully a big change of heart.  That only comes with thoughtful reflection and some extra work.

In your second meeting a week later, ask your son or daughter to summarize their answers to you, to tell you about what they’ve learned, what they really think or feel, how they really want to live their life, and what they need (from themselves, you, and others) to succeed at living that life.  How do they intend to move forward, being their best self, even in the face of a tempting, pressuring, crazy world out there.

Let them know you’re there for them, always, with love.  And limits.  And be sure to follow-up regularly with observations, comments, and questions about these matters.  It’s not a one-time deal, it’s about ongoing support and guidance.

For those of you motivated enough to get to the end of this article, feel free to use the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire as a tool towards self-discovery and healing. It’s here for you at no charge (at www.kidstepcoaching.com/compass) – for whenever you or your child makes a big mistake.

Be one of the wise ones – learn from it.  And keep on growing.

It’s tax day – a day to pay our bills for the services that we as a society value the most and wish to receive.

I mean, we elect the public servants that we think will best represent our interests in balancing private rights and public needs.  We ask our elected leaders to use our resources wisely to provide protection for our country, our workers, and our families.  We ask our representatives, which means we ask ourselves, to ensure a safety net for those most needy – recognizing that we’re all in this together, yet we all need to carry our own weight as best we can.

Sure, we continuously debate where to draw that line – and we should – about how to balance personal rights and freedoms with personal responsibilities to one another.  But lets’ not forget, in a democracy, we make the rules, and then we need to live by them.  And we reap what we sow.  If we think there’s a problem, we need to be a part of the solution.  Or not.

But wouldn’t it be better for all of us if that’s what we did.  See a problem, focus on the solution.  Not just keep complaining and blaming.

No one political party or person has all the right answers.  And just like in families, we can only hope to get better if we realize that.  We can only move forward to the degree that we seek an honest understanding of the problem from all points of view, agree to collaborate and compromise to find viable solutions that serve the greater good, and then act with integrity in ways that are aligned with our values and goals.

Right now we’re going through a very difficult time in our country.  We’re having to pay, literally, for years of short-sightedness, selfishness, greed, and honest mistakes.  We can say it’s not fair, even parrot our teens and say it sucks.  But what we can’t keep doing is expect public services and not expect to have to pay for them.  That’s insane!

Now more than ever, nationally and locally, we are in a fierce debate about cutting back support of public education.  Our local school board meetings are filled with angst and anxiety over where to cut programs and personnel and/or how to appropriately raise funds (yes, that means the dirtiest word in the English language- taxes) to pay for them.

Our friends and neighbors and colleagues are stepping up to the school board meeting microphones with their heartfelt stories of what they want to happen or not happen, and why.  Many good points are made on the many sides of the issue.  Yet, if we don’t meet in the middle somewhere, find the common ground and common sense solutions, then we’ll continue to be torn apart, socially and psychologically, as well as financially.

And who will suffer the most?  The ones with the least say in this process.  Our children.

And believe me, when our children suffer, when they are disenfranchised and disillusioned, when they no longer believe in the value of getting a good education, let alone no longer enjoy the process of learning (don’t get me started!), we are all going to suffer.  Greatly.

I don’t pretend to have the definitive answers.  But I do know and believe with all my heart that we must protect and encourage and enrich the lives of our children with a committed effort to quality education.  Life is all about learning and growth.  Continually.  Let’s not stay trapped in old ways of thinking, or old institutions that support that old way of thinking.

At the macro level, the winds of massive social and economic climate change are upon us.  At the micro level, the exploding field of developmental neuroscience is clear.  Kids brains and minds, their attention and motivation, their reasoning and emotions and relationships are all significantly different than they were a generation ago.  They need guided opportunities for stimulation and movement and engagement and autonomy and creativity and collaboration and reflection and critical discernment.

Those are the skills they’ll need to survive, let alone thrive, in their lifetimes.  It’s not about passively absorbing and regurgitating knowledge; it’s about how to actively problem-solve – using internal and external resources to access information, critically evaluate it, integrate it, and apply it to create pragmatic solutions that work for themselves and those around them.

What hasn’t changed is the need for kids to grow up guided by loving, nurturing and limit-setting caregivers – at home and school.  But the ways that kids are encouraged and challenged and disciplined – the ways they are EDUCATED about life – has got to change with the times.  Or not.

I only pray that we do change and grow, along with our children, not against them.

(For a fascinating introduction to some of the revolutionary educational challenges and changes that are upon us, let me share with you this powerful presentation by Sir Ken Robinson:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDZFcDGpL4U .)

We do have choices.  We can act out of fear and anxiety, or faith and enlightenment, coupled with reason and resolve.  We can get through this best if we really listen and learn, think and reflect, then open our mouths with constructive solutions, not just bitter complaints.

And we’ll have to pay for those solutions, one way or another.  Cliché or not, children are our investment in the future.  Let’s invest wisely.

“When my child gets out of control, what do I do?  How can he control his emotions better? He’s flying off the handle too much lately.  He gets upset, yells, throws a fit over little things.  I’m tired of doing battle with him, and starting to lose my temper more than I want to, too.”

“Why can’t she just do what I ask, when I ask, without all the drama?  It’s so upsetting to see her get all upset – panicking when things don’t go as expected, or melting down when things don’t go her way.”

Parents often struggle to help their children overcome daily life stressors, like getting homework completed, picking up after themselves, cleaning bedrooms, not fighting with siblings, getting out the door on time in the morning, getting to bed at night, helping around the house, getting off the computer when asked, etc., etc., etc.!

If you have a child who is wired to be emotionally sensitive or intense, these daily hassles can quickly turn into exhausting daily crises for both of you.  What do do?

Before arguing over a specific behavior you want your child to do – or to stop doing – always pay attention to your child’s feeling state first.  This is the key to teaching your kids to listen with less drama, to quickly regain control when they do lose it, and to establish the self-regulation they need to succeed in life.

As you interact with your child, be fully aware of your child’s mood at the time.  Ask yourself, “What is he feeling right now?  And how intense is it?”

Imagine that you have a Feeling Thermometer, and you stick it under your child’s tongue to take her feeling temperature.  On a scale from 1-10, how upset is she? 

Now, the beauty of this thermometer is it can take the temperature of any feeling.  How angry is he? How anxious is she?  How frustrated?  Agitated?  Depressed?  Discombobulated?

To help you visualize this more easily, I want to share a simple parenting tool that has proven effective for managing emotions in kids – and parents!  Click on the link here to download your own copy of Dr. Peter’s Feeling Thermometer:

http://www.kidstepcoaching.com/FeelingThermometer.pdf 

If your child is a little upset (annoyed, frustrated), at a 1, 2, or 3, we’ll say he’s in the Green Zone.  Moderately upset (angry, shouting mad) at a 4, 5, 6, or 7 is in the Yellow Zone.  Totally upset (furious, losing it, melting down, out of control) at an 8, 9, or 10 is in the Red Zone.

Now we all have our Green, Yellow, and Red zones.  And you’ll quickly discover that you can pretty accurately and intuitively describe where your child is at any given moment.  If you are mindful enough to consider your child’s feelings first!

Why bother?  Because measuring your child’s “feeling fever” in this way leads you directly to the most effective Action Plan to take with your child.

When your child is in the Red Zone, the Action Plan = STOP!  (Write it down on the line under Red Zone on your Feeling Thermometer.)  It’s time to take a TIME OUT. 

Stop all dialogue, discussion, or debate about the actual problem.  When your child is in the Red Zone, by definition she is out of control and irrational at this point.  Any talk or rational attempts to solve the original problem is just pouring gasoline on the fire.  You can discuss what started the fire later, now you just need to put the fire out. 

When someone is in the Red Zone, everyone needs to stop, retreat to neutral corners, and takes a time out to calm down and regroup.  Where possible, remove your child to a neutral space away from others.  

The key to success here is to disengage from your child emotionally and verbally.  Do not keep getting sucked in!  Calmly and firmly acknowledge your child’s plight with one sentence: “I see you’re really upset right now, and when you’re done, then we’ll talk about it.”  Now ignore your child’s tirade, except for maintaining enough awareness to ensure everyone’s physical safety.  Serve as a “safe container” for your child’s “emotional seizure,” but do not engage otherwise.

When your child is in the Yellow Zone, the Action Plan = RELAX!  (Fill in the blank on your Feeling Thermometer.) It’s time to CHILL OUT.

This is the most critical area for you to intervene, typically on the way up, as your child’s feeling temperature is rising, before it ever makes it to the Red Zone.  Also, important on the way back down, to help break the child’s “feeling fever.”

In the Yellow Zone, your child is clearly upset and agitated, not fully able to work through the problem constructively, but not out of control yet.  If you see the storm brewing, intervene now!  Compassionately coach your child on ways to relax and calm down.  You’ll need to discover together which ways work best for your child’s temperament and personality.  Ideally, you work on this in calm, teachable moments first.  Then remind and encourage your child to use those coping skills when they start getting too upset – when you see them getting to a 5 or so on the Feeling Thermometer.

The most universal and effective way for any of us to relax and calm down is to use deep, diaphragmatic breathing.  Simply encourage your child to take 3 slow, deep breaths before continuing on.  (I’ll have other articles and videos with more on this coming up.)  Add positive, affirmative self-talk (“I can calm down.  It’s okay.  It’s not the end of the world.  I just need to focus on the next step.  On what I can do now.  I can relax.  I will relax.  I am relaxing.”), or muscle tense-and-release strategies.  Or go for a brief walk, play music, stretch, joke, distract, or imagine a happy, relaxing scene.  Lots of different strategies. 

Develop what works for you and your child by increasing awareness of your body cues, thought cues, and feeling cues to when your getting agitated, and then use those cues to gently direct you to self-calming and recentering breathing.  Mindfulness practice is a wonderful thing, and no better time to use it than when you’re starting to enter the Yellow Zone.

When your child is in the Green Zone, the Action Plan = THINK!  (Fill in the blank on your Feeling Thermometer.)  It’s time to TALK IT OUT. 

Only now, when your child is in the Green Zone, can he and you constructively think about what’s wrong and what to do about it.  Only address the problem behavior when he’s in the Green Zone.  At all other times, focus on “reducing the feeling fever” or “putting out the feeling fire” first. 

If he’s calm enough to be in the Green Zone, now you can reflect briefly on his feelings, and then redirect him with what to do about it.  Join him in problem-solving about how he can handle the situation – how he can do something, even when he doesn’t like it or want to.  That’s an important life skill – the seeds of self-discipline and success.

In the Green Zone, briefly acknowledge your child’s feelings, and quickly move on to some solutions about how to handle the current dilemma.  For example:
“I understand you’re frustrated by this homework… and I can help you with that math.”
“I see you’re kinda mad at your sister… and you may use your words, not your hands, to tell her to stop.”
“I know you don’t want to get off the computer right now… and we still need to get ready for bed, so let’s save this game for tomorrow, as long as you can get off nicely now.”

In the Green Zone, you are mindfully joining with your child in a problem-solving adventure.  You are compassionate about your child’s feelings (what is stressing them), and you are guiding them towards a reasonable solution.  Ideally, this moment is preceded by clear and realistic expectations for your child, and followed by meaningful and consistent consequences.  But that’s a story for another day.

Finally, it may have occurred to you that you can’t do any of this caring, conscious parenting (or teaching) if you’re not mindful of your own emotions first!  Absolutely right.  We must get out our own, parent or teacher, feeling thermometers and take our own temperatures first, before we can begin to direct our children to “STOP, RELAX, AND THINK!”  Make sure you are in the Green Zone first, before trying any of these techniques.  Otherwise, you’re back to pouring gasoline on the fire.

Ask yourself, on a scale of 1-10, “How upset, tense, or stressed am I right now?”  If you’re aware that you’re in the Yellow or Red Zone, take the self-calming steps needed to bring your own feeling fever back down, before you’ll be well enough to care for your child.

Remember, mindful awareness of your feelings and your child’s feelings, will serve as the key to teaching your child how to successfully handle the many challenges of life.

“Things are going to be different this school year! 
We’re going to __________________________________.”

How would you fill in the blank?  What do you really want for your child this school year?  Better grades, more friends, less homework hassles?  Being more organized, less stressed?  More peaceful and productive?  How so – what will that look like exactly? 

How do you define success for each of your kids?  How do they?

To find out, schedule a breakfast or lunch meeting with each of your children this week.   Take each kiddo out for a fun meal or make one at home.  While enjoying your meal together, discuss what the top priorities might be, and why. 

Brainstorm and make a list together, consciously considering why and how each item would make the list.  Be specific and realistic about your expectations.  And respectfully listen to your child’s thoughts and feelings as well.  This is a great opportunity to show compassionate understanding with your child, before everyone is fully back running on the treadmill of life.

Be mindful of having an honest and open dialogue with your child.  No monologues or lectures.  Discuss both hopes and fears.  Help your child accept his/her strengths and areas of difficulty – recognizing that we all have both. 

Select no more than 3 of the most important ones, based on your values and principles, as well as your child’s needs and well-being.  Agree to focus on these 3 goals every day in a positive way.  What types of affirmations or words of encouragement could you offer your child each morning that will grow these target goals into healthy habits?

Keep track of progress with a simple chart or journal, observing what’s working and what’s not.  Meet weekly with your child (fun meal or snacks date again!) to review progress.  Join each other again in conscious, compassionate problem-solving for how to take the next step towards realizing those goals.

And above all, enjoy the journey.  You won’t pass this way again.

Food.  Sex.  Sleep.  That about covers it.  Need anything else to satisfy your deepest longings? 

All animals, including we humans, share in these basic drives.  The drive to survive.  But beyond these basics, what else drives us as human beings?  What motivates us to behave the way we do?  And more often on the minds of parents and teachers nowadays, what on earth will motivate these kids?

Daniel Pink has an eye-opening new book out about this topic, titled DRIVE – The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.  He draws heavily on the pioneering works of psychologists Carolyn Dweck and Edward Deci – furthering our understanding of intrinsic motivation.

Huh?  Well, there’s extrinsic motivation – doing something at someone else’s urging and for some external reward – studying to get a good grade to earn $5 from dad.  And there’s intrinsic motivation – doing something because it is interesting to you, the process is stimulating and engaging, and it feels good inside as we rise to the challenge.

Which would we rather see develop in heavy doses in our children?  Which do we see most heavily relied on in today’s classrooms and even some living rooms?

Pink neatly summarizes the scientific body of work that helps us realize that beyond the basic biological drives, we have three innate psychological drives – for autonomy, mastery, and purpose or meaning.  Our well-being and life satisfaction are heavily influenced by how much we feel we have choices, how much we feel competent and capable, and how much our contributions have some meaningful connection to others and the greater good.

When kids work because they’re ordered to by adults, when they have to keep working on things they’re not good at, when they have to do busy-work that doesn’t have any relevant meaning in their lives, then what might we expect?  We can expect to see decreased productivity, compliance, enthusiasm, and motivation to do that work.

What to do instead?  Whenever possible, ask yourself these three questions and apply them before requiring your child or student to perform work:

1. Am I offering the child any autonomy over how and when to do this work?  Remember to offer a “Choice Within Limits.”  Your bottom line sets the limit – as in, you expect your child to complete his homework tonight, yet he can choose to do it before or after dinner, in the kitchen or bedroom, etc. (as long as we see that the work gets done that way!).  Give your child some “little say” so they have some investment or ownership in getting the job done in a way that works best for them.

2. Does this assignment promote mastery by offering a novel, engaging task?  Think of ways the task can engage the child’s natural strengths, interests, or affinities.  Provide variety and encourage creativity.  Be sure to praise the child’s efforts and persistence, more than the outcome or product (more on this another day).

3. Does the child understand the purpose of the assignment?  Can they see how this activity contributes to the greater good at home, school, or in the world?  After giving a request or command, remember to ask your child “What do you need to do? And Why?!”  Take the extra minute to make sure they understand the instructions and the point of it all.  If you’re not clear on the point yourself, why would you expect your child to be motivated to do something that is pointless?! 

Use these opportunities to discuss with your children your values, what is important and meaningful in your family or classroom, and how your child can and will be a big part of that!  Also ask them what’s important to them, and how this work can be connected to that.

Remember to be calm and firm, or better yet, encouraging and enthusiastic.  The more you show intrinsic motivation, engagement, and positive energy in a goal or task, the more likely your children will too.

conscious (n.)  aware, sensible, deliberate.

consequence (n.)  result, outcome, effect.

Okay, last week you set up the situation with realistic, positive expectations, empathy, and encouragement.  Now, either your kids will respond respectfully and cooperatively, or they won’t.  Your job is to provide immediate feedback that teaches them to keep making better choices in the future.  Your leverage is in how you use consequences – either more or less effectively.

To help you do that more effectively, here’s the final 3 of our “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.”  Enjoy, and employ!

TIP #10: ENFORCEMENT – Enforce accountability with consistent limits and consequences.  To be most effective, use the 2 Critical Criteria for effective consequences.  Make sure that your consequences are (1) MEANINGFUL to your child – it really matters to them, and (2) DOABLE for you – you can and will follow through with them.

Remember, consequences always exist.  They always follow your child’s behavior whether you’re paying attention to them or not.  And they can be positive or negative.  So stop thinking just punishments.  In fact, the more you think about and talk about positive reinforcement (praise, privileges, rewards), the more cooperative and respectful your children will become.

Why?  Because we’d all rather work for a boss who is encouraging and notices what we do well and praises or rewards us for that good behavior, than a boss who never seems to notice when we do a good job, but only criticizes and corrects us, making us feel like we’re never good enough.  Hmmmm, put that way, if we filmed your parenting interactions with your child for the next week, which kind of boss do you think you’d sound more like?

You can be firm without being negative.  Be very clear, your child needs to earn privileges with respectful behaviors.  TV, computers, cell phones, social activities, bedtimes, etc. are not God-given rights!  They are privileges to be earned.  And if your child doesn’t show good effort, use respectful language, make positive behavior choices, they won’t earn those privileges they desire.  You can be very firm and clear about that.

Just don’t state it in the negative; state it more often in the positive.  Go back and read tips 9 and 10 over and over until you really get it.  And more importantly, until you’re really doing it – as consistently as possible.

TIP #11: EVALUATION – Evaluate your child’s progress with honesty and integrity.  Immediately after your child receives their consequence for their behavior – provide a little extra feedback that helps them actually learn from this experience.  Before the child can return to their daily life – before getting out of time out or resuming a certain privilege – make sure you conduct what I lovingly refer to as “the Exit Interview.”

The consequence isn’t over until your child can calmly discuss with you what happened and why.  Simply start the Exit Interview with the following question “What did you do that got you this consequence?”  Notice the powerful elegance of this question.  The focus is matter-of-factly (not accusatorially) on what behavior choice the child made in that situation – not all the external factors like how unfair and mean everyone else is.  When your child learns to recognize and accept responsibility for his or her actions, then you are well on your way to more respectful behaviors.

Once you and your child are clear on what they did that got them to this point, then ask “How did that work for you or against you?  How do you feel about it now?  Think you’d do the same thing again if you were in this situation again?  Why or why not?”

You are helping your child to learn about cause and effect, to see that their actions have meaningful consequences in life.  You are not lecturing or scolding.  You are BRIEFLY evaluating “What happened here?” for the purpose of understanding how to get along better next time around.

TIP #12: EDUCATION – Educate your kids about how they can improve.  Teach them how they can keep growing and making better choices in life.  Teach and practice with your child, role-playing or rehearsing if needed, how to cope better the next time they are in this situation.  Continue the Exit Interview with a brief, brainstorming discussion about “What could you do differently?” And get them to consider the likely consequences of several different choices (quickly weigh the pro’s and con’s). 

End the Exit Interview by securing a commitment from your child about “What will you do next time?”  Be clear about connecting the dots here – we’re talking about what will they do next time they are in a situation where you expect something (specific and realistic) and they feel differently (upset, struggling) and they need to make a smarter choice (more respectful behavior) that will lead to a more positive outcome (consequence) for them, rather than a negative one.

Finally, encourage your kiddo to “Try it and See…!”  It’s a great experiment.  We want to see if this new coping plan works better or not.  And if not, that’s okay, we’ll be right here ready to help them keep making adjustments until we find what works for them.

It all fits together – pretty cool, eh?  Yes, it takes work to establish this new way of seeing and interacting with your child.  But when you do, when these conscious ways of thinking and acting become habits, you will find much more joy in watching your children develop with their greater self-discipline, self-respect, and respect for others.

conscious (n.)  aware, sensible, deliberate.

communication (n.)  message; sharing or conveying information to another.

Last week we focused on becoming more mindful – more aware of your attitude and mindset towards teaching your kids respect.  Now let’s put those loving intentions to work.

If you want different OUTPUT from your child – you want him or her to behave more respectfully – then you’ll need to provide some different INPUT.  Let’s face it, you’ll get out of this what you put into it.  Doesn’t matter what your child’s age or difficulties might be, if you regularly practice these essential ways of being with your child, you’ll almost always see more respectful results within a couple of weeks.

So, without further ado, here are the next 3 of the “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.”  As always, remember to practice what you preach, since your actions speak louder than your words.

Tip #7: EXPECTATIONS – Expect success that is clearly defined, realistic, and optimistic. 
Don’t be vague, negative, or unrealistic.  Stop and think – what am I really expecting of my child in this situation?  Is it something I think my child really could do with his or her temperament and at this stage of development?  Is this an expectation that fits my child’s capabilities?  Am I clear on what I want (or just vague about what I don’t want)?  Am I clearly communicating what I expect to my child?  Does my child get it?  How do I know?  (Hint: Ask them.)  Don’t just expect that your child knows what you expect!

Slow down, think and talk with your child about your expectations ahead of time.  In a calm, teachable moment, discuss both your thoughts on the topic and your child’s.  Have regular little “heart to heart” chats about your values, vision, and goals for your child and family.  Let them know how you expect them to behave and why.  Clarify that these rules are there because you care and you want to teach them how to get along better with others and be happier in life.  You’re really not doing it just to make them miserable. 

Tip #8:  EMPATHY – Empathize with your child by showing a compassionate understanding of your child’s feelings and needs.  Don’t ignore or dismiss your child’s feelings in a situation and go right for behavioral control without considering what the underlying feelings are that go with the behavior.  If you ignore this step, and it’s the one parents most often forget about, you do so at your own peril.  You will find yourself in frequent “tug of war” power struggles much more.  Instead, start by joining WITH your child empathically, rather than working AGAINST your child in battles for control.

For example, don’t say “Stop being such a grump!”  Do say “I understand you feel… angry right now.”  Don’t say “I told you to turn that computer off!”  Do say “I see you really want… to keep playing that computer game.”

Simply start your commands with one sentence that shows you care about and are at least trying to understand what they’re feeling or struggling with in that moment.  Then proceed to direct them to appropriate behaviors for how to handle their feelings in socially-appropriate, parent-approved ways. 

I call this life-saving strategy “REFLECT AND REDIRECT.”  Reflect the child’s feelings or needs back to them with a statement of compassionate understanding – validate their feelings – then redirect them to what they can and should do about it.

Don’t say “I understand you feel angry, BUT you still can’t hit your sister like that.”  Do say “I understand you feel angry, AND you still need to use your words, not fists.”  Don’t say “I see you really want to keep playing, BUT you have to stop and clean up.”  Do say “I see you really want to keep playing, AND we need to clean up now.”

TIP #9: ENCOURAGEMENT – Encourage your kids to make life-enhancing choices.  Remember that your child always has a choice, whether you like it or not!  You can’t make a child behave a certain way any more than you can make a horse drink water from a trough.  You can encourage and remind and provide incentives that make it more or less likely, but you can’t totally control your child.  And let’s remind ourselves – that’s not really the goal, I hope, anyway.  Rather, the goal is to teach your child self-control.

To do that better, don’t fall into the trap of screeching “IF YOU DON’T… THEN YOU WON’T…”  Instead, try the most powerful parenting tool I know: “WHEN YOU DO… THEN YOU MAY…”  It works wonders. 

Listen to the difference between negative nagging – “If you don’t pick up your toys, you can’t go out and play” – and positive prompting – “When you pick up your toys, you may go out and play.”  Which do you think creates a more respectful and pleasant environment for your child?  Which do you think is more likely to get quicker compliance and fewer arguments? 

See, with positive prompts we are encouraging the child to focus on the solutions with us, rather than discouraging the child by focusing on the problems and punishments.  Same firm limits, just applied more strategically. 

Try these tips this week and let me know how it goes!

“Teaching Kids Respect – Part 1: Mindfulness”

By Dr. Peter Montminy

mindfulness (n.) the trait of staying aware of, or paying close attention to, your responsibilities; a mental state of calm, enhanced awareness.

respect (v.) to honor or revere; to have a good opinion of someone, and to avoid doing anything they would dislike or regard as wrong.

Many parents and teachers today complain about kids showing so little respect – to adults, to siblings and peers, and even to themselves.  Why is this?

As usual, lots of reasons, but let’s look at a few major factors.  Kids are exposed to grown up activities, language, and attitudes at younger ages, and feel entitled to “get their due” as mini-adults.  There’s been a generation of parenting more concerned with inflating a child’s self-esteem than with instilling self-discipline.  And the ever-present electronic media spreads all sorts of toxic messages like wildfire across the social landscape of kids.  They are increasingly immersed in a commercial and entertainment driven culture where conflict and crassness sells more than civility and caring.

So, what’s a conscious, caring parent to do?!  Two part answer: First, focus on the inside, your own mindset, and cultivate mental habits that will bring forth more respectful and loving parenting practices.  Second, focus on the outside, the actual interactions you have with your children.  Be conscious of your inner thoughts and your outward actions with your kids, and this will lead you all to a path of more respectful relationships.

Of course, the bottom line is you have to give respect to get respect.  So let’s explore some practical ways to do that.  I’ve developed the TOP 12 TIPS for TEACHING KIDS RESPECT based on over 20 years of clinical practice with many distressed families.  Let’s look at the first 6 tips, focusing on mental mindset, today (and the remaining 6 tips, focusing on conscious actions, next week).

Tip #1:  AWARENESS – Be aware of individual differences.  Recognize that all kids – and parents! – have unique personality styles, strengths, and needs.  Be keenly aware of your child’s temperament (high activity or low, slow or quick to warm up to others, flexible or rigid, intuitive or methodical, impulsive or inhibited, highly sensitive or not, high or low frustration tolerance, auditory or visual learner, etc.) – and yours.  Think “How are we the same?  How are we different?” and “So what?”

Appreciate diversity, and don’t expect your kids to deal with life the same way you do, or even the same as their brothers or sisters.  When you keep this in mind, you can more easily find the energy to adapt your parenting style to meet your child’s needs in the most constructive way.  That is, you’ll be better able to get through to your child and help them develop the respectful behaviors you want them to.

Tip #2:  ATTRIBUTIONS – Understand what the major factors are that contribute to your child’s functioning.  Remember there is rarely a single cause of your child’s behavior.  There is no “silver bullet” or “magic solution” that will cure disrespect.  But if you’re paying attention to what the major causes are, and how they interact, you can better guide your child’s emotional and moral development.

The major factors to consider include 1) personal characteristics (biological temperament and psychological “thoughts and feelings” filters), 2) interpersonal interactions (the expectations and consequences you apply to your kids, and how you communicate them), and 3) the environmental circumstances (the stressors and supports that surround the family). 

When considering why your child is behaving that way, keep in mind these factors, and have them lead you to more practical solutions for improving your child’s behaviors.

Tip #3:  ACCEPTANCE – Accept the current reality, and stay focused on what you can control or change.  Recognize that in any situation, there are things you can control and things you can’t.  Accept your limitations, rather than worrying about those things you can’t really do much about, and this will free up your energy to focus on more constructive solutions.

Remember, what you focus on, grows!  Focus your energy, thoughts, conversations, and efforts on what you can control.  Think “Here’s something I can do about it now.”

Tip #4: ATTITUDE – Live each day with a positive, loving attitude and lots of positive energy.  If you don’t fill up your spiritual, mental, and physical gas tanks, you’re running on empty and unable to give your kids the good, positive parenting that will yield the results you want.  Remember, you reap what you sow. 

So, commit to at least 30-minutes a day for self-care and rejuvenation.  That’s only 3 hours out of 168 hours in a week.  The rest of the world will keep functioning, and everyone else’s needs can get met, in the other 165, honest!  Make a conscious choice about caring for yourself first, so you can have more of the positive energy you and your kids deserve.

Tip #5: ATTENTION – Pay attention to building your child’s self-discipline and self-respect, not just self-esteem.  As Jill Rigby points out in her book “Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World” this is an important distinction.  When we worry too much about building up our child’s self-esteem, we often inadvertently give a child a false sense of their own importance and entitlement.

If you focus on developing self-respect instead of self-esteem in your child, you’ll find that you’re dealing with more gratitude than greed, more humility than arrogance, more confidence than insecurity, more perseverance than futility, more contentment than discontentment, more others-centeredness than self-centeredness, and someone who is more well-mannered than ill-mannered

Tip #6: ACCOUNTABILITY – Be empathic to your children’s feelings AND still hold them firmly accountable for their behaviors.  I call this the “Goldilocks Parenting Rule.”  Not too hot, not too cool – not too hard, not too soft.  Always guide your child using a balance of compassionate understanding along with firm and fair expectations and consequences.

Next week, we’ll take a closer look at how to put those firm, fair expectations and consequences into action. 

Meanwhile, remember to remember these six mental mindset tips. 

Be mindful of your:
- Assumptions – Do I recognize and respect individual differences?
- Attributions – Do I know where my kid is coming from?
- Acceptance – Am I accepting reality and only focusing on what I can do?
- Attitude – Am I staying recharged with positive energy and optimism?
- Attention – Am I more focused on developing self-discipline or self-esteem?
- Accountability – Do I balance loving nurturance with firm limits?