“Things are going to be different this school year! 
We’re going to __________________________________.”

How would you fill in the blank?  What do you really want for your child this school year?  Better grades, more friends, less homework hassles?  Being more organized, less stressed?  More peaceful and productive?  How so – what will that look like exactly? 

How do you define success for each of your kids?  How do they?

To find out, schedule a breakfast or lunch meeting with each of your children this week.   Take each kiddo out for a fun meal or make one at home.  While enjoying your meal together, discuss what the top priorities might be, and why. 

Brainstorm and make a list together, consciously considering why and how each item would make the list.  Be specific and realistic about your expectations.  And respectfully listen to your child’s thoughts and feelings as well.  This is a great opportunity to show compassionate understanding with your child, before everyone is fully back running on the treadmill of life.

Be mindful of having an honest and open dialogue with your child.  No monologues or lectures.  Discuss both hopes and fears.  Help your child accept his/her strengths and areas of difficulty – recognizing that we all have both. 

Select no more than 3 of the most important ones, based on your values and principles, as well as your child’s needs and well-being.  Agree to focus on these 3 goals every day in a positive way.  What types of affirmations or words of encouragement could you offer your child each morning that will grow these target goals into healthy habits?

Keep track of progress with a simple chart or journal, observing what’s working and what’s not.  Meet weekly with your child (fun meal or snacks date again!) to review progress.  Join each other again in conscious, compassionate problem-solving for how to take the next step towards realizing those goals.

And above all, enjoy the journey.  You won’t pass this way again.

Food.  Sex.  Sleep.  That about covers it.  Need anything else to satisfy your deepest longings? 

All animals, including we humans, share in these basic drives.  The drive to survive.  But beyond these basics, what else drives us as human beings?  What motivates us to behave the way we do?  And more often on the minds of parents and teachers nowadays, what on earth will motivate these kids?

Daniel Pink has an eye-opening new book out about this topic, titled DRIVE – The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.  He draws heavily on the pioneering works of psychologists Carolyn Dweck and Edward Deci – furthering our understanding of intrinsic motivation.

Huh?  Well, there’s extrinsic motivation – doing something at someone else’s urging and for some external reward – studying to get a good grade to earn $5 from dad.  And there’s intrinsic motivation – doing something because it is interesting to you, the process is stimulating and engaging, and it feels good inside as we rise to the challenge.

Which would we rather see develop in heavy doses in our children?  Which do we see most heavily relied on in today’s classrooms and even some living rooms?

Pink neatly summarizes the scientific body of work that helps us realize that beyond the basic biological drives, we have three innate psychological drives – for autonomy, mastery, and purpose or meaning.  Our well-being and life satisfaction are heavily influenced by how much we feel we have choices, how much we feel competent and capable, and how much our contributions have some meaningful connection to others and the greater good.

When kids work because they’re ordered to by adults, when they have to keep working on things they’re not good at, when they have to do busy-work that doesn’t have any relevant meaning in their lives, then what might we expect?  We can expect to see decreased productivity, compliance, enthusiasm, and motivation to do that work.

What to do instead?  Whenever possible, ask yourself these three questions and apply them before requiring your child or student to perform work:

1. Am I offering the child any autonomy over how and when to do this work?  Remember to offer a “Choice Within Limits.”  Your bottom line sets the limit – as in, you expect your child to complete his homework tonight, yet he can choose to do it before or after dinner, in the kitchen or bedroom, etc. (as long as we see that the work gets done that way!).  Give your child some “little say” so they have some investment or ownership in getting the job done in a way that works best for them.

2. Does this assignment promote mastery by offering a novel, engaging task?  Think of ways the task can engage the child’s natural strengths, interests, or affinities.  Provide variety and encourage creativity.  Be sure to praise the child’s efforts and persistence, more than the outcome or product (more on this another day).

3. Does the child understand the purpose of the assignment?  Can they see how this activity contributes to the greater good at home, school, or in the world?  After giving a request or command, remember to ask your child “What do you need to do? And Why?!”  Take the extra minute to make sure they understand the instructions and the point of it all.  If you’re not clear on the point yourself, why would you expect your child to be motivated to do something that is pointless?! 

Use these opportunities to discuss with your children your values, what is important and meaningful in your family or classroom, and how your child can and will be a big part of that!  Also ask them what’s important to them, and how this work can be connected to that.

Remember to be calm and firm, or better yet, encouraging and enthusiastic.  The more you show intrinsic motivation, engagement, and positive energy in a goal or task, the more likely your children will too.

conscious (n.)  aware, sensible, deliberate.

consequence (n.)  result, outcome, effect.

Okay, last week you set up the situation with realistic, positive expectations, empathy, and encouragement.  Now, either your kids will respond respectfully and cooperatively, or they won’t.  Your job is to provide immediate feedback that teaches them to keep making better choices in the future.  Your leverage is in how you use consequences – either more or less effectively.

To help you do that more effectively, here’s the final 3 of our “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.”  Enjoy, and employ!

TIP #10: ENFORCEMENT – Enforce accountability with consistent limits and consequences.  To be most effective, use the 2 Critical Criteria for effective consequences.  Make sure that your consequences are (1) MEANINGFUL to your child – it really matters to them, and (2) DOABLE for you – you can and will follow through with them.

Remember, consequences always exist.  They always follow your child’s behavior whether you’re paying attention to them or not.  And they can be positive or negative.  So stop thinking just punishments.  In fact, the more you think about and talk about positive reinforcement (praise, privileges, rewards), the more cooperative and respectful your children will become.

Why?  Because we’d all rather work for a boss who is encouraging and notices what we do well and praises or rewards us for that good behavior, than a boss who never seems to notice when we do a good job, but only criticizes and corrects us, making us feel like we’re never good enough.  Hmmmm, put that way, if we filmed your parenting interactions with your child for the next week, which kind of boss do you think you’d sound more like?

You can be firm without being negative.  Be very clear, your child needs to earn privileges with respectful behaviors.  TV, computers, cell phones, social activities, bedtimes, etc. are not God-given rights!  They are privileges to be earned.  And if your child doesn’t show good effort, use respectful language, make positive behavior choices, they won’t earn those privileges they desire.  You can be very firm and clear about that.

Just don’t state it in the negative; state it more often in the positive.  Go back and read tips 9 and 10 over and over until you really get it.  And more importantly, until you’re really doing it – as consistently as possible.

TIP #11: EVALUATION – Evaluate your child’s progress with honesty and integrity.  Immediately after your child receives their consequence for their behavior – provide a little extra feedback that helps them actually learn from this experience.  Before the child can return to their daily life – before getting out of time out or resuming a certain privilege – make sure you conduct what I lovingly refer to as “the Exit Interview.”

The consequence isn’t over until your child can calmly discuss with you what happened and why.  Simply start the Exit Interview with the following question “What did you do that got you this consequence?”  Notice the powerful elegance of this question.  The focus is matter-of-factly (not accusatorially) on what behavior choice the child made in that situation – not all the external factors like how unfair and mean everyone else is.  When your child learns to recognize and accept responsibility for his or her actions, then you are well on your way to more respectful behaviors.

Once you and your child are clear on what they did that got them to this point, then ask “How did that work for you or against you?  How do you feel about it now?  Think you’d do the same thing again if you were in this situation again?  Why or why not?”

You are helping your child to learn about cause and effect, to see that their actions have meaningful consequences in life.  You are not lecturing or scolding.  You are BRIEFLY evaluating “What happened here?” for the purpose of understanding how to get along better next time around.

TIP #12: EDUCATION – Educate your kids about how they can improve.  Teach them how they can keep growing and making better choices in life.  Teach and practice with your child, role-playing or rehearsing if needed, how to cope better the next time they are in this situation.  Continue the Exit Interview with a brief, brainstorming discussion about “What could you do differently?” And get them to consider the likely consequences of several different choices (quickly weigh the pro’s and con’s). 

End the Exit Interview by securing a commitment from your child about “What will you do next time?”  Be clear about connecting the dots here – we’re talking about what will they do next time they are in a situation where you expect something (specific and realistic) and they feel differently (upset, struggling) and they need to make a smarter choice (more respectful behavior) that will lead to a more positive outcome (consequence) for them, rather than a negative one.

Finally, encourage your kiddo to “Try it and See…!”  It’s a great experiment.  We want to see if this new coping plan works better or not.  And if not, that’s okay, we’ll be right here ready to help them keep making adjustments until we find what works for them.

It all fits together – pretty cool, eh?  Yes, it takes work to establish this new way of seeing and interacting with your child.  But when you do, when these conscious ways of thinking and acting become habits, you will find much more joy in watching your children develop with their greater self-discipline, self-respect, and respect for others.

conscious (n.)  aware, sensible, deliberate.

communication (n.)  message; sharing or conveying information to another.

Last week we focused on becoming more mindful – more aware of your attitude and mindset towards teaching your kids respect.  Now let’s put those loving intentions to work.

If you want different OUTPUT from your child – you want him or her to behave more respectfully – then you’ll need to provide some different INPUT.  Let’s face it, you’ll get out of this what you put into it.  Doesn’t matter what your child’s age or difficulties might be, if you regularly practice these essential ways of being with your child, you’ll almost always see more respectful results within a couple of weeks.

So, without further ado, here are the next 3 of the “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.”  As always, remember to practice what you preach, since your actions speak louder than your words.

Tip #7: EXPECTATIONS – Expect success that is clearly defined, realistic, and optimistic. 
Don’t be vague, negative, or unrealistic.  Stop and think – what am I really expecting of my child in this situation?  Is it something I think my child really could do with his or her temperament and at this stage of development?  Is this an expectation that fits my child’s capabilities?  Am I clear on what I want (or just vague about what I don’t want)?  Am I clearly communicating what I expect to my child?  Does my child get it?  How do I know?  (Hint: Ask them.)  Don’t just expect that your child knows what you expect!

Slow down, think and talk with your child about your expectations ahead of time.  In a calm, teachable moment, discuss both your thoughts on the topic and your child’s.  Have regular little “heart to heart” chats about your values, vision, and goals for your child and family.  Let them know how you expect them to behave and why.  Clarify that these rules are there because you care and you want to teach them how to get along better with others and be happier in life.  You’re really not doing it just to make them miserable. 

Tip #8:  EMPATHY – Empathize with your child by showing a compassionate understanding of your child’s feelings and needs.  Don’t ignore or dismiss your child’s feelings in a situation and go right for behavioral control without considering what the underlying feelings are that go with the behavior.  If you ignore this step, and it’s the one parents most often forget about, you do so at your own peril.  You will find yourself in frequent “tug of war” power struggles much more.  Instead, start by joining WITH your child empathically, rather than working AGAINST your child in battles for control.

For example, don’t say “Stop being such a grump!”  Do say “I understand you feel… angry right now.”  Don’t say “I told you to turn that computer off!”  Do say “I see you really want… to keep playing that computer game.”

Simply start your commands with one sentence that shows you care about and are at least trying to understand what they’re feeling or struggling with in that moment.  Then proceed to direct them to appropriate behaviors for how to handle their feelings in socially-appropriate, parent-approved ways. 

I call this life-saving strategy “REFLECT AND REDIRECT.”  Reflect the child’s feelings or needs back to them with a statement of compassionate understanding – validate their feelings – then redirect them to what they can and should do about it.

Don’t say “I understand you feel angry, BUT you still can’t hit your sister like that.”  Do say “I understand you feel angry, AND you still need to use your words, not fists.”  Don’t say “I see you really want to keep playing, BUT you have to stop and clean up.”  Do say “I see you really want to keep playing, AND we need to clean up now.”

TIP #9: ENCOURAGEMENT – Encourage your kids to make life-enhancing choices.  Remember that your child always has a choice, whether you like it or not!  You can’t make a child behave a certain way any more than you can make a horse drink water from a trough.  You can encourage and remind and provide incentives that make it more or less likely, but you can’t totally control your child.  And let’s remind ourselves – that’s not really the goal, I hope, anyway.  Rather, the goal is to teach your child self-control.

To do that better, don’t fall into the trap of screeching “IF YOU DON’T… THEN YOU WON’T…”  Instead, try the most powerful parenting tool I know: “WHEN YOU DO… THEN YOU MAY…”  It works wonders. 

Listen to the difference between negative nagging – “If you don’t pick up your toys, you can’t go out and play” – and positive prompting – “When you pick up your toys, you may go out and play.”  Which do you think creates a more respectful and pleasant environment for your child?  Which do you think is more likely to get quicker compliance and fewer arguments? 

See, with positive prompts we are encouraging the child to focus on the solutions with us, rather than discouraging the child by focusing on the problems and punishments.  Same firm limits, just applied more strategically. 

Try these tips this week and let me know how it goes!

“Teaching Kids Respect – Part 1: Mindfulness”

By Dr. Peter Montminy

mindfulness (n.) the trait of staying aware of, or paying close attention to, your responsibilities; a mental state of calm, enhanced awareness.

respect (v.) to honor or revere; to have a good opinion of someone, and to avoid doing anything they would dislike or regard as wrong.

Many parents and teachers today complain about kids showing so little respect – to adults, to siblings and peers, and even to themselves.  Why is this?

As usual, lots of reasons, but let’s look at a few major factors.  Kids are exposed to grown up activities, language, and attitudes at younger ages, and feel entitled to “get their due” as mini-adults.  There’s been a generation of parenting more concerned with inflating a child’s self-esteem than with instilling self-discipline.  And the ever-present electronic media spreads all sorts of toxic messages like wildfire across the social landscape of kids.  They are increasingly immersed in a commercial and entertainment driven culture where conflict and crassness sells more than civility and caring.

So, what’s a conscious, caring parent to do?!  Two part answer: First, focus on the inside, your own mindset, and cultivate mental habits that will bring forth more respectful and loving parenting practices.  Second, focus on the outside, the actual interactions you have with your children.  Be conscious of your inner thoughts and your outward actions with your kids, and this will lead you all to a path of more respectful relationships.

Of course, the bottom line is you have to give respect to get respect.  So let’s explore some practical ways to do that.  I’ve developed the TOP 12 TIPS for TEACHING KIDS RESPECT based on over 20 years of clinical practice with many distressed families.  Let’s look at the first 6 tips, focusing on mental mindset, today (and the remaining 6 tips, focusing on conscious actions, next week).

Tip #1:  AWARENESS – Be aware of individual differences.  Recognize that all kids – and parents! – have unique personality styles, strengths, and needs.  Be keenly aware of your child’s temperament (high activity or low, slow or quick to warm up to others, flexible or rigid, intuitive or methodical, impulsive or inhibited, highly sensitive or not, high or low frustration tolerance, auditory or visual learner, etc.) – and yours.  Think “How are we the same?  How are we different?” and “So what?”

Appreciate diversity, and don’t expect your kids to deal with life the same way you do, or even the same as their brothers or sisters.  When you keep this in mind, you can more easily find the energy to adapt your parenting style to meet your child’s needs in the most constructive way.  That is, you’ll be better able to get through to your child and help them develop the respectful behaviors you want them to.

Tip #2:  ATTRIBUTIONS – Understand what the major factors are that contribute to your child’s functioning.  Remember there is rarely a single cause of your child’s behavior.  There is no “silver bullet” or “magic solution” that will cure disrespect.  But if you’re paying attention to what the major causes are, and how they interact, you can better guide your child’s emotional and moral development.

The major factors to consider include 1) personal characteristics (biological temperament and psychological “thoughts and feelings” filters), 2) interpersonal interactions (the expectations and consequences you apply to your kids, and how you communicate them), and 3) the environmental circumstances (the stressors and supports that surround the family). 

When considering why your child is behaving that way, keep in mind these factors, and have them lead you to more practical solutions for improving your child’s behaviors.

Tip #3:  ACCEPTANCE – Accept the current reality, and stay focused on what you can control or change.  Recognize that in any situation, there are things you can control and things you can’t.  Accept your limitations, rather than worrying about those things you can’t really do much about, and this will free up your energy to focus on more constructive solutions.

Remember, what you focus on, grows!  Focus your energy, thoughts, conversations, and efforts on what you can control.  Think “Here’s something I can do about it now.”

Tip #4: ATTITUDE – Live each day with a positive, loving attitude and lots of positive energy.  If you don’t fill up your spiritual, mental, and physical gas tanks, you’re running on empty and unable to give your kids the good, positive parenting that will yield the results you want.  Remember, you reap what you sow. 

So, commit to at least 30-minutes a day for self-care and rejuvenation.  That’s only 3 hours out of 168 hours in a week.  The rest of the world will keep functioning, and everyone else’s needs can get met, in the other 165, honest!  Make a conscious choice about caring for yourself first, so you can have more of the positive energy you and your kids deserve.

Tip #5: ATTENTION – Pay attention to building your child’s self-discipline and self-respect, not just self-esteem.  As Jill Rigby points out in her book “Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World” this is an important distinction.  When we worry too much about building up our child’s self-esteem, we often inadvertently give a child a false sense of their own importance and entitlement.

If you focus on developing self-respect instead of self-esteem in your child, you’ll find that you’re dealing with more gratitude than greed, more humility than arrogance, more confidence than insecurity, more perseverance than futility, more contentment than discontentment, more others-centeredness than self-centeredness, and someone who is more well-mannered than ill-mannered

Tip #6: ACCOUNTABILITY – Be empathic to your children’s feelings AND still hold them firmly accountable for their behaviors.  I call this the “Goldilocks Parenting Rule.”  Not too hot, not too cool – not too hard, not too soft.  Always guide your child using a balance of compassionate understanding along with firm and fair expectations and consequences.

Next week, we’ll take a closer look at how to put those firm, fair expectations and consequences into action. 

Meanwhile, remember to remember these six mental mindset tips. 

Be mindful of your:
- Assumptions – Do I recognize and respect individual differences?
- Attributions – Do I know where my kid is coming from?
- Acceptance – Am I accepting reality and only focusing on what I can do?
- Attitude – Am I staying recharged with positive energy and optimism?
- Attention – Am I more focused on developing self-discipline or self-esteem?
- Accountability – Do I balance loving nurturance with firm limits?

Well, I’ve had enough.  The rats have won the race.  I give up.  It’s over.

You can’t ever do enough it seems.  You try to do the best you can, but it never feels good enough.  There’s always another item on the to do list – another 10 items, just for today.  Forget the 100 items on the master list that I’m supposed to keep for “brain dumping” to clear the mind.  Then there’s the Bucket List – those dreamy life aspirations that sound so good in a poetic or romantic moment – and make for great movies – but then just come back to haunt you – because, well, life just isn’t like the movies.  And you just can’t ever seem to get there. 

If I could just get this one thing out of the way, then I’ll be able to enjoy myself.  When the kids get into school, then I’ll have more time for those other things that I really care about.  When the kids get out of elementary school, they won’t need me as much, there won’t be so much PTA and Scoutmaster and AYSO coaching to do.  I’ll just get to sit on the sidelines of the game or in the audience of the play once in a while, then I’ll have lots more time for my other interests.  Oh, when they get out of high school, I won’t be running around to all these games and fundraisers and playing cab driver to a bunch of hormone-charged kids that want to go, go, go.  Then I’ll have time for myself.  My marriage.  My friends.

Oops. They’re gone.

My kids have grown up.  My wife and I have grown apart.  My friends have gone away.  My self is some vague stranger I once kinda liked and now don’t even know.

It’s over. I can’t continue the charade of being some super child psychologist and family coach, let alone father, husband, and friend.  It’s time to hang it up.  So, sorry gang, this will be my last article and the last “Kidstep Connections” newsletter.  There’s no energy, no fun, no point anymore.

APRIL FOOLS!  This could be my life – and at moments I’ve certainly felt some of these things.  I imagine we all have (please tell me it’s not just my imagination!).  But I can assure you, this is not what my life, personal or professional, is all about.  Thankfully, I have something much bigger that I feel a strong part of that keeps me going.  With humor and humility, and some days, even grace, I keeping on going.

The true meaning of Spring, and for some of us out there, of Easter, is that life is constantly renewing itself.  We will always have periods of cold and darkness.  Yet it will always be followed by warmth and light, if we stay open to that very possibility.

Remembering that “what you focus on, grows,” we must not allow ourselves to let small setbacks, honest mistakes, and moments of true pain blind us to our bigger truths.  Let’s not dwell on the imperfections of our lives, other than to acknowledge that they are a real part of who we are, and that’s okay.  We need not, and never can be, perfect in that artificial, superficial way our achievement-obsessed society has contrived.  And neither can our children. 

So let’s not be SO caught up in fulfilling our potential (or our children’s potential), that the quest becomes like the Myth of Sisyphus, pushing that giant rock of expectations up the hill over and over, only to despair as we watch it falter and roll back down, to begin the arduous climb once more.

Instead, let us focus on the joys and riches we – our selves, our spouses, our children, our friends, have to offer along the way.  Let’s see the true perfection and beauty of the diversity of talents, and shortcomings, that we all share. 

Parents, remember that your children are not all the same, and loving them equally does not mean they get the exact same thing from you all the time (a big source of sibling rivalry and parent angst).  Rather, let them always feel they are loved equally and fully, and that will mean they get different things from you at different times because they have different needs.

Teachers, remember that all your students are children, not robots, and so equal does not mean the same.  Fair is treating everyone with equal respect, which means doing whatever you can (and that includes accepting your own realistic limits) to guide each student in the way they can best learn and grow.

Spouses, those “opposites” in personality and style were part of the initial attraction that led you to fall head over heals.  Now, don’t let them be growing, poisonous irritants.  Keep respect in your heart, and find a way to recognize that you bring complimentary strengths to your partnership, not competitive ones.

I was guest lecturing for a Human Development class at Penn State the other day.  One of the students asked, “What is the most essential aspect to parenting?  What is the best piece of advice you would give to young parents?”  After a moment’s thought, my answer was blindingly clear to me. 

Borrowing one of my favorite quotes from Neal Donald Walsh, I said the key to good parenting is to always start with this: “WWLD – What Would Love Do?”  I’ve never met a parent who wakes up in the morning and says “I can’t wait to screw up my kid today!”  Every parent, in his or her best moment, loves their children and wants what’s best for them.  Yet the stresses or our daily lives and vulnerabilities in our personalities lead us to stray at times to be impatient or frustrated, to yell or insult or ignore.  Or to just plain miss an opportunity to nurture our children, to help them learn and grow from a life challenge. 

Yet, when we can take a deep breath, being fully conscious and present with our child, when we can mindfully remind ourselves, “What Would Love Do?”, we will invariably make the right move.  We will naturally, and whole-heartedly, give our children our best selves.  And that’s all any parent can do.

Now offering that bit of advice felt like some good Spring cleaning for my heart and soul.  The key, of course, is for me to go home and practice it with my family, in good faith, without undue pressure to be perfect.  How ‘bout you?

May we all enjoy the new warmth of the Spring sun, and what the budding blossoms are about to remind us.  Life keeps going.  Life really does keep growing, with love and abundance.  And so can we.

So you’re interested in getting your child to talk more with you.  You seem to really care about what he thinks and feels, and want him to trust you more – is that right?  Well, let’s see what we can do to help you get more of that closeness you’re seeking.

I just demonstrated part of the answer for you!  The best way to get your child (or anyone) to open up and share more with you is to really listen to their words and their heart.  As Stephen Covey put it so beautifully, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

First, reflect back what you hear your child saying – paraphrasing what he says and what you think he means.  You’re doing this BEFORE offering any opinion, advice, lecture, or your own two-cents in any way.  Make sure you really understand what he means by his words and behaviors.  Check in with him to confirm that you’ve got it, or leave room for him to clarify if he doesn’t think you quite understand yet.

Don’t ague about what she means, what she thinks, or what she feels.  Acknowledge it and empathize with your child, even when you disagree with what she’s saying – especially when you disagree.  Your kids will be much more likely to continue opening up to you if they feel you’ve made an honest attempt to hear them and really listen to their ideas.

Then you can certainly reply with your own honest thoughts and feelings, and of course, you will get further with your child if you do so in a calm and matter-of-fact, or playful and fun, manner.  Notice I said honest thoughts, even on tough subjects.  Be brief and honest with your reply, without too much detail.  Leave room for your child to ask questions or add to the conversation.  When they see you respond empathically, calmly, and honestly, you’ll build the trust that will have your children responding in kind.

It’s best to reply with a collaborative problem-solving approach, too, rather than a dictatorial explanation or lecture.  Notice my initial response to your question (above).   I suggested that we’ll explore some possible answers together.  I’m joining you in problem-solving, rather than telling you what to do.  We’re on the same side this way, rather than potentially setting up as adversaries who will soon be butting heads.  – Or avoiding talking altogether.

It’s not a trick.  It’s just a mindful, respectful way of interacting.  And believe me, you’re kids will appreciate it.

Finally, you may want to look for quiet times in the daily routine to chat.  The best time is often at bedtime – so leave room for connecting with a soothing, enjoyable bedtime ritual.  When you’re tucking them in, maybe give your child a back rub, or just sit on the edge of the bed in the semi-darkness and spend 15 minutes hanging out, reviewing the day, being open to whatever’s on their mind.  It’s a golden time.  The second best time is when you’re driving in the car somewhere (without being tense about rushing to the next thing), and you both can chat casually while looking out the window.

Actually, the best time to chat is whenever your child opens his or her mouth and does share a thought or opinion.  Make sure you’re paying attention and not missing this gifted opportunity.  Always follow up your child’s comments or questions with a simple comment yourself.  Be positive, be curious, and be constructive.  You want to build your child up, not tear them down.  In this way, they’ll be more open to sharing their feelings and solving their problems with you, instead of against you or away from you.