“Things are going to be different this school year! 
We’re going to __________________________________.”

How would you fill in the blank?  What do you really want for your child this school year?  Better grades, more friends, less homework hassles?  Being more organized, less stressed?  More peaceful and productive?  How so – what will that look like exactly? 

How do you define success for each of your kids?  How do they?

To find out, schedule a breakfast or lunch meeting with each of your children this week.   Take each kiddo out for a fun meal or make one at home.  While enjoying your meal together, discuss what the top priorities might be, and why. 

Brainstorm and make a list together, consciously considering why and how each item would make the list.  Be specific and realistic about your expectations.  And respectfully listen to your child’s thoughts and feelings as well.  This is a great opportunity to show compassionate understanding with your child, before everyone is fully back running on the treadmill of life.

Be mindful of having an honest and open dialogue with your child.  No monologues or lectures.  Discuss both hopes and fears.  Help your child accept his/her strengths and areas of difficulty – recognizing that we all have both. 

Select no more than 3 of the most important ones, based on your values and principles, as well as your child’s needs and well-being.  Agree to focus on these 3 goals every day in a positive way.  What types of affirmations or words of encouragement could you offer your child each morning that will grow these target goals into healthy habits?

Keep track of progress with a simple chart or journal, observing what’s working and what’s not.  Meet weekly with your child (fun meal or snacks date again!) to review progress.  Join each other again in conscious, compassionate problem-solving for how to take the next step towards realizing those goals.

And above all, enjoy the journey.  You won’t pass this way again.

Food.  Sex.  Sleep.  That about covers it.  Need anything else to satisfy your deepest longings? 

All animals, including we humans, share in these basic drives.  The drive to survive.  But beyond these basics, what else drives us as human beings?  What motivates us to behave the way we do?  And more often on the minds of parents and teachers nowadays, what on earth will motivate these kids?

Daniel Pink has an eye-opening new book out about this topic, titled DRIVE – The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us.  He draws heavily on the pioneering works of psychologists Carolyn Dweck and Edward Deci – furthering our understanding of intrinsic motivation.

Huh?  Well, there’s extrinsic motivation – doing something at someone else’s urging and for some external reward – studying to get a good grade to earn $5 from dad.  And there’s intrinsic motivation – doing something because it is interesting to you, the process is stimulating and engaging, and it feels good inside as we rise to the challenge.

Which would we rather see develop in heavy doses in our children?  Which do we see most heavily relied on in today’s classrooms and even some living rooms?

Pink neatly summarizes the scientific body of work that helps us realize that beyond the basic biological drives, we have three innate psychological drives – for autonomy, mastery, and purpose or meaning.  Our well-being and life satisfaction are heavily influenced by how much we feel we have choices, how much we feel competent and capable, and how much our contributions have some meaningful connection to others and the greater good.

When kids work because they’re ordered to by adults, when they have to keep working on things they’re not good at, when they have to do busy-work that doesn’t have any relevant meaning in their lives, then what might we expect?  We can expect to see decreased productivity, compliance, enthusiasm, and motivation to do that work.

What to do instead?  Whenever possible, ask yourself these three questions and apply them before requiring your child or student to perform work:

1. Am I offering the child any autonomy over how and when to do this work?  Remember to offer a “Choice Within Limits.”  Your bottom line sets the limit – as in, you expect your child to complete his homework tonight, yet he can choose to do it before or after dinner, in the kitchen or bedroom, etc. (as long as we see that the work gets done that way!).  Give your child some “little say” so they have some investment or ownership in getting the job done in a way that works best for them.

2. Does this assignment promote mastery by offering a novel, engaging task?  Think of ways the task can engage the child’s natural strengths, interests, or affinities.  Provide variety and encourage creativity.  Be sure to praise the child’s efforts and persistence, more than the outcome or product (more on this another day).

3. Does the child understand the purpose of the assignment?  Can they see how this activity contributes to the greater good at home, school, or in the world?  After giving a request or command, remember to ask your child “What do you need to do? And Why?!”  Take the extra minute to make sure they understand the instructions and the point of it all.  If you’re not clear on the point yourself, why would you expect your child to be motivated to do something that is pointless?! 

Use these opportunities to discuss with your children your values, what is important and meaningful in your family or classroom, and how your child can and will be a big part of that!  Also ask them what’s important to them, and how this work can be connected to that.

Remember to be calm and firm, or better yet, encouraging and enthusiastic.  The more you show intrinsic motivation, engagement, and positive energy in a goal or task, the more likely your children will too.

What’s the single biggest predictor of success – at school, at work, at sports, at life?

It’s not ability.  It’s not heredity.  I’ll tell you what it is.

Persistence.  Effort.  Perseverance.

(Hey, why use just one word, when three will do?)

Put ‘em together, you’ve got PEP!

Yeah, putting PEP into your kid’s life is more challenging these days.  Many kids are increasingly sedentary, lethargic, apathetic, or “bored” – while simultaneously being
overstimulated with
     information,
          entertainment,
               and “choice overload.” 

More and more kids are unable to sustain their attention to anything lasting longer than
an MTV montage,
     a Sports Center highlight,
          a YouTube clip,
               or a text message.

Too many kids have
     an inflated sense of entitlement,
          fragile sense of self-worth,
               and a near zero level of frustration tolerance. 

When the going gets tough, they quit.  If they don’t quit, they complain, cry, whine, make excuses, withdraw, tantrum, sulk, or blame others. 

Too often they get down on themselves, berating themselves as “failures” because of
some preconceived notion that
     it should just be easy,
          they should get it right away,
              they should instantly be the best. 

And if they’re not, then the activity is pointless or somehow they’re completely useless.

I joke with too many teenagers nowadays, some of them with more than passing suicidal thoughts, about how they really must be “total losers” and should be branded with a big “L” on their foreheads.  I purposely exaggerate their circumstances until they can see the absurdity of it. 

No one is perfect.  No one is as glamorous as the celebrity hype machine suggests.  Everyone has problems.  That doesn’t make life unbearable.  It makes life, life!

No daylight, without the darkness. 
     No rainbow, without the storm. 
          No joy, without sorrow.

And everyone has blessings. 
     Everyone has gifts. 
          Everyone has talents.

It’s not what you’re given in life, it’s what you do with it that matters.

So I work diligently to help kids today find ways to fight through their struggles – whether it’s in math class or in the batter’s box or in the lunchroom with peers.

The biggest muscle that has atrophied in kids today, the one that needs the biggest strengthening program, is the mental muscle of determination.

When faced with a life challenge, every child, every parent, every teacher has a choice.

What will you do with yours?

Imagine your dream.
Set a goal.
Clarify your purpose.
Create a plan.
Connect with your passion.
Focus on priorities.
Act with integrity.
Persist. Practice.  Persevere.
Repeat.

Success will come to any of us the “old-fashion way” – when we earn it.

conscious (n.)  aware, sensible, deliberate.

consequence (n.)  result, outcome, effect.

Okay, last week you set up the situation with realistic, positive expectations, empathy, and encouragement.  Now, either your kids will respond respectfully and cooperatively, or they won’t.  Your job is to provide immediate feedback that teaches them to keep making better choices in the future.  Your leverage is in how you use consequences – either more or less effectively.

To help you do that more effectively, here’s the final 3 of our “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.”  Enjoy, and employ!

TIP #10: ENFORCEMENT – Enforce accountability with consistent limits and consequences.  To be most effective, use the 2 Critical Criteria for effective consequences.  Make sure that your consequences are (1) MEANINGFUL to your child – it really matters to them, and (2) DOABLE for you – you can and will follow through with them.

Remember, consequences always exist.  They always follow your child’s behavior whether you’re paying attention to them or not.  And they can be positive or negative.  So stop thinking just punishments.  In fact, the more you think about and talk about positive reinforcement (praise, privileges, rewards), the more cooperative and respectful your children will become.

Why?  Because we’d all rather work for a boss who is encouraging and notices what we do well and praises or rewards us for that good behavior, than a boss who never seems to notice when we do a good job, but only criticizes and corrects us, making us feel like we’re never good enough.  Hmmmm, put that way, if we filmed your parenting interactions with your child for the next week, which kind of boss do you think you’d sound more like?

You can be firm without being negative.  Be very clear, your child needs to earn privileges with respectful behaviors.  TV, computers, cell phones, social activities, bedtimes, etc. are not God-given rights!  They are privileges to be earned.  And if your child doesn’t show good effort, use respectful language, make positive behavior choices, they won’t earn those privileges they desire.  You can be very firm and clear about that.

Just don’t state it in the negative; state it more often in the positive.  Go back and read tips 9 and 10 over and over until you really get it.  And more importantly, until you’re really doing it – as consistently as possible.

TIP #11: EVALUATION – Evaluate your child’s progress with honesty and integrity.  Immediately after your child receives their consequence for their behavior – provide a little extra feedback that helps them actually learn from this experience.  Before the child can return to their daily life – before getting out of time out or resuming a certain privilege – make sure you conduct what I lovingly refer to as “the Exit Interview.”

The consequence isn’t over until your child can calmly discuss with you what happened and why.  Simply start the Exit Interview with the following question “What did you do that got you this consequence?”  Notice the powerful elegance of this question.  The focus is matter-of-factly (not accusatorially) on what behavior choice the child made in that situation – not all the external factors like how unfair and mean everyone else is.  When your child learns to recognize and accept responsibility for his or her actions, then you are well on your way to more respectful behaviors.

Once you and your child are clear on what they did that got them to this point, then ask “How did that work for you or against you?  How do you feel about it now?  Think you’d do the same thing again if you were in this situation again?  Why or why not?”

You are helping your child to learn about cause and effect, to see that their actions have meaningful consequences in life.  You are not lecturing or scolding.  You are BRIEFLY evaluating “What happened here?” for the purpose of understanding how to get along better next time around.

TIP #12: EDUCATION – Educate your kids about how they can improve.  Teach them how they can keep growing and making better choices in life.  Teach and practice with your child, role-playing or rehearsing if needed, how to cope better the next time they are in this situation.  Continue the Exit Interview with a brief, brainstorming discussion about “What could you do differently?” And get them to consider the likely consequences of several different choices (quickly weigh the pro’s and con’s). 

End the Exit Interview by securing a commitment from your child about “What will you do next time?”  Be clear about connecting the dots here – we’re talking about what will they do next time they are in a situation where you expect something (specific and realistic) and they feel differently (upset, struggling) and they need to make a smarter choice (more respectful behavior) that will lead to a more positive outcome (consequence) for them, rather than a negative one.

Finally, encourage your kiddo to “Try it and See…!”  It’s a great experiment.  We want to see if this new coping plan works better or not.  And if not, that’s okay, we’ll be right here ready to help them keep making adjustments until we find what works for them.

It all fits together – pretty cool, eh?  Yes, it takes work to establish this new way of seeing and interacting with your child.  But when you do, when these conscious ways of thinking and acting become habits, you will find much more joy in watching your children develop with their greater self-discipline, self-respect, and respect for others.

conscious (n.)  aware, sensible, deliberate.

communication (n.)  message; sharing or conveying information to another.

Last week we focused on becoming more mindful – more aware of your attitude and mindset towards teaching your kids respect.  Now let’s put those loving intentions to work.

If you want different OUTPUT from your child – you want him or her to behave more respectfully – then you’ll need to provide some different INPUT.  Let’s face it, you’ll get out of this what you put into it.  Doesn’t matter what your child’s age or difficulties might be, if you regularly practice these essential ways of being with your child, you’ll almost always see more respectful results within a couple of weeks.

So, without further ado, here are the next 3 of the “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.”  As always, remember to practice what you preach, since your actions speak louder than your words.

Tip #7: EXPECTATIONS – Expect success that is clearly defined, realistic, and optimistic. 
Don’t be vague, negative, or unrealistic.  Stop and think – what am I really expecting of my child in this situation?  Is it something I think my child really could do with his or her temperament and at this stage of development?  Is this an expectation that fits my child’s capabilities?  Am I clear on what I want (or just vague about what I don’t want)?  Am I clearly communicating what I expect to my child?  Does my child get it?  How do I know?  (Hint: Ask them.)  Don’t just expect that your child knows what you expect!

Slow down, think and talk with your child about your expectations ahead of time.  In a calm, teachable moment, discuss both your thoughts on the topic and your child’s.  Have regular little “heart to heart” chats about your values, vision, and goals for your child and family.  Let them know how you expect them to behave and why.  Clarify that these rules are there because you care and you want to teach them how to get along better with others and be happier in life.  You’re really not doing it just to make them miserable. 

Tip #8:  EMPATHY – Empathize with your child by showing a compassionate understanding of your child’s feelings and needs.  Don’t ignore or dismiss your child’s feelings in a situation and go right for behavioral control without considering what the underlying feelings are that go with the behavior.  If you ignore this step, and it’s the one parents most often forget about, you do so at your own peril.  You will find yourself in frequent “tug of war” power struggles much more.  Instead, start by joining WITH your child empathically, rather than working AGAINST your child in battles for control.

For example, don’t say “Stop being such a grump!”  Do say “I understand you feel… angry right now.”  Don’t say “I told you to turn that computer off!”  Do say “I see you really want… to keep playing that computer game.”

Simply start your commands with one sentence that shows you care about and are at least trying to understand what they’re feeling or struggling with in that moment.  Then proceed to direct them to appropriate behaviors for how to handle their feelings in socially-appropriate, parent-approved ways. 

I call this life-saving strategy “REFLECT AND REDIRECT.”  Reflect the child’s feelings or needs back to them with a statement of compassionate understanding – validate their feelings – then redirect them to what they can and should do about it.

Don’t say “I understand you feel angry, BUT you still can’t hit your sister like that.”  Do say “I understand you feel angry, AND you still need to use your words, not fists.”  Don’t say “I see you really want to keep playing, BUT you have to stop and clean up.”  Do say “I see you really want to keep playing, AND we need to clean up now.”

TIP #9: ENCOURAGEMENT – Encourage your kids to make life-enhancing choices.  Remember that your child always has a choice, whether you like it or not!  You can’t make a child behave a certain way any more than you can make a horse drink water from a trough.  You can encourage and remind and provide incentives that make it more or less likely, but you can’t totally control your child.  And let’s remind ourselves – that’s not really the goal, I hope, anyway.  Rather, the goal is to teach your child self-control.

To do that better, don’t fall into the trap of screeching “IF YOU DON’T… THEN YOU WON’T…”  Instead, try the most powerful parenting tool I know: “WHEN YOU DO… THEN YOU MAY…”  It works wonders. 

Listen to the difference between negative nagging – “If you don’t pick up your toys, you can’t go out and play” – and positive prompting – “When you pick up your toys, you may go out and play.”  Which do you think creates a more respectful and pleasant environment for your child?  Which do you think is more likely to get quicker compliance and fewer arguments? 

See, with positive prompts we are encouraging the child to focus on the solutions with us, rather than discouraging the child by focusing on the problems and punishments.  Same firm limits, just applied more strategically. 

Try these tips this week and let me know how it goes!

“Teaching Kids Respect – Part 1: Mindfulness”

By Dr. Peter Montminy

mindfulness (n.) the trait of staying aware of, or paying close attention to, your responsibilities; a mental state of calm, enhanced awareness.

respect (v.) to honor or revere; to have a good opinion of someone, and to avoid doing anything they would dislike or regard as wrong.

Many parents and teachers today complain about kids showing so little respect – to adults, to siblings and peers, and even to themselves.  Why is this?

As usual, lots of reasons, but let’s look at a few major factors.  Kids are exposed to grown up activities, language, and attitudes at younger ages, and feel entitled to “get their due” as mini-adults.  There’s been a generation of parenting more concerned with inflating a child’s self-esteem than with instilling self-discipline.  And the ever-present electronic media spreads all sorts of toxic messages like wildfire across the social landscape of kids.  They are increasingly immersed in a commercial and entertainment driven culture where conflict and crassness sells more than civility and caring.

So, what’s a conscious, caring parent to do?!  Two part answer: First, focus on the inside, your own mindset, and cultivate mental habits that will bring forth more respectful and loving parenting practices.  Second, focus on the outside, the actual interactions you have with your children.  Be conscious of your inner thoughts and your outward actions with your kids, and this will lead you all to a path of more respectful relationships.

Of course, the bottom line is you have to give respect to get respect.  So let’s explore some practical ways to do that.  I’ve developed the TOP 12 TIPS for TEACHING KIDS RESPECT based on over 20 years of clinical practice with many distressed families.  Let’s look at the first 6 tips, focusing on mental mindset, today (and the remaining 6 tips, focusing on conscious actions, next week).

Tip #1:  AWARENESS – Be aware of individual differences.  Recognize that all kids – and parents! – have unique personality styles, strengths, and needs.  Be keenly aware of your child’s temperament (high activity or low, slow or quick to warm up to others, flexible or rigid, intuitive or methodical, impulsive or inhibited, highly sensitive or not, high or low frustration tolerance, auditory or visual learner, etc.) – and yours.  Think “How are we the same?  How are we different?” and “So what?”

Appreciate diversity, and don’t expect your kids to deal with life the same way you do, or even the same as their brothers or sisters.  When you keep this in mind, you can more easily find the energy to adapt your parenting style to meet your child’s needs in the most constructive way.  That is, you’ll be better able to get through to your child and help them develop the respectful behaviors you want them to.

Tip #2:  ATTRIBUTIONS – Understand what the major factors are that contribute to your child’s functioning.  Remember there is rarely a single cause of your child’s behavior.  There is no “silver bullet” or “magic solution” that will cure disrespect.  But if you’re paying attention to what the major causes are, and how they interact, you can better guide your child’s emotional and moral development.

The major factors to consider include 1) personal characteristics (biological temperament and psychological “thoughts and feelings” filters), 2) interpersonal interactions (the expectations and consequences you apply to your kids, and how you communicate them), and 3) the environmental circumstances (the stressors and supports that surround the family). 

When considering why your child is behaving that way, keep in mind these factors, and have them lead you to more practical solutions for improving your child’s behaviors.

Tip #3:  ACCEPTANCE – Accept the current reality, and stay focused on what you can control or change.  Recognize that in any situation, there are things you can control and things you can’t.  Accept your limitations, rather than worrying about those things you can’t really do much about, and this will free up your energy to focus on more constructive solutions.

Remember, what you focus on, grows!  Focus your energy, thoughts, conversations, and efforts on what you can control.  Think “Here’s something I can do about it now.”

Tip #4: ATTITUDE – Live each day with a positive, loving attitude and lots of positive energy.  If you don’t fill up your spiritual, mental, and physical gas tanks, you’re running on empty and unable to give your kids the good, positive parenting that will yield the results you want.  Remember, you reap what you sow. 

So, commit to at least 30-minutes a day for self-care and rejuvenation.  That’s only 3 hours out of 168 hours in a week.  The rest of the world will keep functioning, and everyone else’s needs can get met, in the other 165, honest!  Make a conscious choice about caring for yourself first, so you can have more of the positive energy you and your kids deserve.

Tip #5: ATTENTION – Pay attention to building your child’s self-discipline and self-respect, not just self-esteem.  As Jill Rigby points out in her book “Raising Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World” this is an important distinction.  When we worry too much about building up our child’s self-esteem, we often inadvertently give a child a false sense of their own importance and entitlement.

If you focus on developing self-respect instead of self-esteem in your child, you’ll find that you’re dealing with more gratitude than greed, more humility than arrogance, more confidence than insecurity, more perseverance than futility, more contentment than discontentment, more others-centeredness than self-centeredness, and someone who is more well-mannered than ill-mannered

Tip #6: ACCOUNTABILITY – Be empathic to your children’s feelings AND still hold them firmly accountable for their behaviors.  I call this the “Goldilocks Parenting Rule.”  Not too hot, not too cool – not too hard, not too soft.  Always guide your child using a balance of compassionate understanding along with firm and fair expectations and consequences.

Next week, we’ll take a closer look at how to put those firm, fair expectations and consequences into action. 

Meanwhile, remember to remember these six mental mindset tips. 

Be mindful of your:
- Assumptions – Do I recognize and respect individual differences?
- Attributions – Do I know where my kid is coming from?
- Acceptance – Am I accepting reality and only focusing on what I can do?
- Attitude – Am I staying recharged with positive energy and optimism?
- Attention – Am I more focused on developing self-discipline or self-esteem?
- Accountability – Do I balance loving nurturance with firm limits?

“My child is so bright, but he is so disorganized/inconsistent/unmotivated… How do I get him to perform up to his potential?”

This is a common refrain for parents and teachers of kids with Executive Function difficulties – again, kids with plenty of brain power, but their control panel freezes up or goes offline with maddening irregularity.

How do we get our “smart but scattered” kids through a day at home, school, and life?

Here’s four pathways to helping your child successfully live up to his or her potential.

1. Purpose. What does your child need to do to be successful? How are you defining success? How is the child defining success? What balance of work and play, productivity and playfulness, striving and relaxing, are you seeking? What’s the point?

Describe what your child fulfilling his/her potential looks like. How would you know? Says who? Be clear on what behavioral or academic or social outcomes you’re seeking. Be clear that this fits your child’s developmental, temperamental, and environmental circumstances. Be both idealistic and realistic!

A major league baseball pitcher pitches a perfect game (no hits, no walks) maybe once in his career (if he’s lucky), and we don’t expect him to pitch a perfect game every time out on the mound after that. We expect day to day variation in performance in sports – and no doubt in life.

Make sure your child shares your vision, values, and goals. Does he or she have a clear purpose in mind for how helping with family chores or actually doing the homework each night or controlling one’s temper is meaningful and desirable?

2. Passion. Getting the child to care about certain goals is more a matter of the heart – it’s what motivates the child and inspires him or her to pursue a certain path even when the going gets tough. The more passion a child has for a particular subject or relationship – the more they care about it – the easier it is to harness the energy to achieve the goal you’ve set out for.

So seek out the passions that your child has – their interests and affinities – and help your child develop them wherever possible. Music, sports, nature, animals, machines, electronics, numbers, words, pictures, mysteries, foreign lands, family traditions, basketweaving, bowling, or bowhunting – it doesn’t matter – what turns your kid on? Foster exploration and development of these natural interests, and incorporate them into school learning regularly.

Where the child has a natural passion or love for the topic, person, or situation, we can easily encourage growth in that area – relying more on intrinsic motivation. In important functional areas (certain academic or behavioral standards) that the child doesn’t have much natural interest in, then we may need to provide additional incentives. Simply put, pair the things your child doesn’t much care about with something he or she does care about.

And accept the reality that your child isn’t going to be passionate or productive, let alone perfect, in all areas all the time. Sounds silly when we say it like that, but catch yourself with the unrealistic assumptions you make sometimes.

3. Preparation. Before beginning a week, a day, or a task with your child, spend several minutes “huddling up” and planning it out. Talk about the top priorities, and specify a specific plan of action for how you and your child will achieve the desired goals. Having already reviewed purpose and passion – the what and why – we now focus on the how to accomplish what we most desire.

Brainstorm possible solutions for how to get where you want to go. Now is the time to include the child in contributing – having some choice – about how to accomplish the goal. If the expectation is that your child will do a half-hour of homework every night, then she can have some say about when and where she’ll do it, not whether she’ll do it!

Enumerate the action steps. Fancy word, just means put them down, in order, numbered – ideally no more than 3-5 steps. And answer these questions: who will do what, when, and where? More precisely, have your child be able to tell you the answer to these questions.

And if there are working memory problems (for you or your child!), make sure the action plan is in a visible, usable calendar or checklist.

4. Persistence. “Let’s try it and see.” Whatever the plan, make sure you all commit to following it for the next week. Then agree to sit down and evaluate how it’s going. Talk about what’s working, or not, and what needs to be tweaked. Make a new, adjusted plan, write it on a cheat sheet or to do list, and stay with that revised plan for another week.

Try it and see, again. But not with great angst and frustration or burdensome expectations. Approach the task as a great experiment. Frame it with your child along these lines: “We’re going to try homework this way for the next week, and see if it gets better, worse, or stays the same. What’s your prediction? Why? What do you want to do to make it more likely to be a success?” Okay, game’s on!

Try it and see, again. Be curious, patient, and persistent. Keep on going, no matter what. But do so mindfully, paying attention to what parts of this game plan are working well, and what parts aren’t. Get your child to join you in being an investigator – a scientist or journalist or spy – seeking the truth – the holy grail of solutions for that mysterious problem that hasn’t been solved yet.

Look at the challenging situation as a mountaintop that hasn’t been summitted yet, but is now within reach (even if the journey has included some backtracking, sidetrails, and occasional dead ends.) No giving up, until we reach the peak. We are intrepid explorers in life. Be playfully persistent. Whatever it takes. Never, ever give up.

All of these steps will lead your child to significant Progress, Not Perfection.

Let’s rejoice in the small, daily miracles. Acknowledge them. Appreciate them.

Catch your child making any small step in a better direction – picking up his clothes, starting her homework, remembering to ask politely for a favor or raising a hand to speak – and offer brief, heartfelt words of praise as soon as it occurs. Blow encouraging breathes of fresh air onto the tiny sparks of a child’s efforts in order to ignite the fires of success.

And recognize the truth in the old saying “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” May you and your child keep putting one step in front of the other, and keep getting closer to fulfilling your potential, while recognizing that perfection is neither desirable nor achievable. Being perfectly imperfect every day, perhaps you are already just exactly where you need to be. Enjoy the journey along the way.

A: Briefly, there’s three major factors that affect your child’s behavior, and it’s important to consider all three when trying to figure out what you should expect from him or her:

1.    Development. I always ask, “What’s your child’s job?”  At this age, what would we typically expect kids to be doing – academically, behaviorally, socially?  Do you know what to expect from your child generally, and what your child should expect from you at each developmental stage?  Parents need to balance both holding on (to protect) and letting go (to liberate) kids somewhat differently at each stage.

We’ll explore this more in future articles, but here’s a quick snapshot. It’s the toddler’s job to explore the world and their ability to affect it – hey,I can walk and talk – let’s see what I can do with this!  Preschoolers are into magical thinking – full of fantasies and fears that lead them to socialize and play, but they still need the secure base of parents, especially when separating or at nighttime.  In elementary school, kids are thinking concretely, figuring out what belongs with what, how things go together or not, and how things work.  They think in terms of black and white, so fairness is a big issue – and learning to master the rules of reading, math, games, social skills preoccupy their days.  Early adolescence marks the turbulent time of branching out to find an identity outside of mom and dad’s lair, to find friends, to fit in, to figure out what’s cool and not, all turbocharged with puberty’s racing hormones.  Later in adolescence, teens take on more introspection about who they are, how the world works, and where they fit it.  Moodiness and angst is par for the course, as new challenges of handling social pressures, intimacy, and vocational aspirations arise.

2.    Temperament. Considering developmental markers gets us in the right ballpark, but for any given child, we must consider their particular temperament or personality.  Your child, like all of us, comes into the world wired with certain innate tendencies that we would do well to recognize and accept.  Activity level, emotionality, distractibility, persistence, sensitivity, intensity, sociability, and mood are some of the common traits that children (and parents!) vary on greatly.  These tendencies are then reinforced and shaped over time – and can become great assets or liabilities – depending on how they are nurtured or squashed, accepted or rejected, by caregivers.  Are you aware of your child’s temperament, your temperament, and how they interact?

3.    Environment. Environmental conditions, of course, greatly influence your child’s behaviors, and they do so at what I call the “micro” and “macro” levels.  At the micro level, significant others interact with your child in ways everyday that form patterns or habits over time.  We can label the sequence of these interactions the “A-B-C’s” for Antecedents – Behaviors – Consequences.  This sequence is playing out every day, whether you’re aware of it or not.  As you become more conscious of how you set up the antecedent conditions (with positive, realistic expectations and prompts) and how you follow through with meaningful consequences, you will be able to help your child cope with life much more successfully.

At the macro-level, relationships outside of the home may be influencing your child’s behaviors for better and for worse.  Relatives, peers, school and community groups, the mass media, your job – all these external circumstances may serve as supports or stressors – and we’ll want to consider how, for your child’s sake, they can be changed for the better, or coped with better.

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Parents and kids today are frantically trying to keep up with the demands of an increasingly fast-paced world.  In the digital age, information flow never sleeps, and it seems like busy parents don’t get to sleep much either!

Meanwhile, the kids I see are growing up faster and earlier, being exposed prematurely to the adult world, both on-line and off, for better and for worse.  Kids feel more entitled and are more demanding.  Yet they also struggle with the demands of increased peer and performance pressures.  Attention spans are down, oppositional and defiant behaviors are up.

Parents and teachers I talk with are worried about the increased moodiness, disorganization, and disrespect they see in their kids.  (Sound familiar?) They get frustrated by a troubling child’s backtalking or belligerence, and they want answers.  Quick, convenient answers, preferably!  Why does he behave that way?  What can I do to get her to shape up, or cheer up, or catch up?

Running to keep up themselves, and just trying to put out the fires that keep popping up, parents and teachers often get caught in the trap of tunnel vision.  Are you looking for that quick fix or that “silver bullet” that will explain all the current problems and just make them go away?  Don’t’ we wish?!

I don’t know of such a magic wand or bullet. But I do know that to overcome the overwhelm parents and families are feeling today, we need to first step back and take a look at the bigger picture.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed with your child’s challenging behaviors, along with the stress from the rest of your life, then first “zoom out” with your wide-angle lens to get a better perspective on what’s going on.  Then, after you’ve done that, you can make better choices about where to “zoom in” and refocus your energies most wisely.

Take that first step back and gain a clearer understanding of your family’s strengths and weaknesses, as well as the internal and external resources you have available to you.  Then you can allocate your time and energy to where it can do the most good.  But you’ve got to get out of that tunnel vision mode.  Get out of your rut, your way of seeing and being, first.

One of my favorite quotes sums it up nicely: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.”  Well, if you want to get out of overwhelm, and help your child get out of his or hers, you’ve got to regain a fresh perspective, reset your priorities, and restart some new habits.  (Just what we focus on in the TIME OFF portion of my family wellness coaching programs.)

As you look at the big picture, I encourage you to consider three main factors that contribute to your child’s and family’s functioning.  I call this my “Child Development 101” lecture – here in highly abbreviated form:

1. Individual Characteristics – what’s your child’s personality like – both biologically-based temperament and his or her learned thoughts, feelings, and perceptions?  These are the filters that help determine your child’s functioning.  Same for you, too!

2. Interpersonal Interactions – when a child behaves a certain way, it also has a lot to
   do with how we set up the situation before hand (expectations, prompts,
   cues) and how we respond afterward (reactions and consequences).  These
   patterns or habits develop over time and influence what we’re likely to
   get from our kids.

3. Environmental Circumstances – Our personalities and interactions with each other don’t occur in a vacuum.  We’re surrounded by external circumstances in our lives that can serve as either supports or stressors – the economy, job satisfaction or stress, family and friends, community groups, cultural values, societal trends, significant life events, to name a few.

When working with clients, we use a Big Picture Map to look at these main factors, and then assign positive or negative point values based on how you see that part of your life.

From this vantage point, reflect on where your strengths are and where your biggest struggles are.  Recognize that you, your child, everyone, has some of both.  That perspective alone lets you do two powerful things that will give you a big energy boost.

Appreciate this perspective.  Our problems do not define us, they are just a small part of the big picture of our lives.  Our problems need not consume us, unless we choose to see them that way.  As my friend and mentor Christine Kloser recommends, take a God’s-eye view of your situation. Accept that even the “weaknesses” are there for a reason.  All aspects of our lives are blessings, are gifts to be received with grace.  If we believe that, and refocus on that, the heavy weight of the problem shrinks.

Remember, what we focus on, expands.  How we view our situation goes a long way to determining our situation.  So view your problems for what they are – just a part of the picture.  And ones that you can either work steadily to change, or accept and cope with.  The choice is yours.  Either way, get the support you need to follow through.

Then consciously focus on and celebrate your strengths!  Harness your positive attributes and resources – write ‘em down, proclaim them, own them, use them to overcome your challenges and to thrive in other areas of your life.  What you focus on, expands!  Know and grow your strengths.

With this big picture perspective, you can step back into the daily hustle with renewed energy and determination to face daily stressors – both yours and your kids – with ease and grace.

What do parenting our kids, weekend backpacking trips, and launching a national coaching practice have in common?  A lot!

Hannah's first backpacking adventure begins.

This Labor Day weekend, my wife Mary and I took our youngest daughter Hannah on her first backpacking trip. Like her three older siblings, Hannah has camped with us often.  But this is the first time she’s gotten to experience what its like to be completely away from familiar comforts and travel into the great unknown with everything riding, quite literally, on your shoulders.

As we enjoyed – and endured – our weekend jaunt up and down Pennsylvania’s rocky Mid-State Trail, I found myself reflecting on the similarities between this adventure and the bigger, professional one I’m now undertaking.  I also easily recognized how the lessons we were learning on this wilderness hike were directly relevant to the challenges parents face with their kids every day.

Consider these parenting tips inspired by the gift of a walk in the woods…

1. Life is an adventure with many twists and turns.  You can’t ever know exactly where you’re going to end up, but it still makes sense to set your eyes on a goal.  Give yourself a clear direction to head. Make a conscious choice where you want to be with your family at the end of the year or the end of the day. Help your child set realistic goals that are suited for their temperament and developmental level.   Then, set out with a positive “CAN DO!” attitude, excited about getting to that next peak.

2. Along the way, the key is to know that the map is not the territory.  You will follow your map as best you can, but you need to keep looking up and around you to see the real life that is before you. Enjoy the journey, and the views, as you go – even when you may not be quite sure where you are.  Trust that a higher power is watching over you, and that you are just exactly where you need to be.

3. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Focus on the next step in front of you, visualizing it, taking it, completing it.  That is how we reach our goals – whether on the side of a mountain or in the middle of a test at school or getting those chores done at home.  What’s the old saying – success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration?  We can’t get to where we want to go if we don’t take patient and persistent action.  Keep your feet moving, and soon you’ll reach your destination.  Sit still and think about it or complain about it, and you’re not getting any closer to putting those miles behind you!

4. Realize that it takes teamwork to succeed.  We can’t make it through life completely on our own without getting bogged down by the heavy load or overwhelmed by the obstacles ahead.  Appreciate that as a family, you are inter-dependent on one another, and on a community of support all around you.  Appreciate each person’s strengths and what they can contribute to the effort. Everyone can pitch in somehow.  Also, accept each person’s limitations – your child’s, your spouse’s, your own.  Be respectful of these differences, and you’ll enjoy the journey a whole lot more.

5. Mistakes happen.  Things won’t always go according to plan.  You’ll miss a turn that you should’ve taken, lose your place, get frustrated or scared, second guess yourself, and perhaps lose your temper a bit (yes, all part of our backpacking trip!).  What to do? As I remind parents and kids every day in my coaching programs, and as I practice myself in my best moments –  ”STOP, RELAX, & THINK!”  No sense running (or hiking) around in circles. We’ve only got one choice when things go bad – we can either make them worse or better.  So try it – Stop to regain perspective, relax and calm down, then start problem-solving with a clear and level head.

6. Celebrate your successes.  Too often we check something off our list and hurry on to the next item, then the next, then add another, and so on.  We keep looking at what we have yet to accomplish, rather than appreciating what we have already done.  It feels SO good to do something you didn’t know if you could really do.  When you get through a life challenge or a daily hassle, pause to reflect on just that. Celebrate what you and your child have done.  Laugh, praise, dance, acknowledge – loudly or softly – it doesn’t matter. But always lovingly.  Celebrate, with true love and joy, the labors you have endured together.

My very best wishes to you and your family as you end the summer and begin your new school year journey.  I look forward to traveling together in the days ahead to make each trip for our kids a more successful and enjoyable one.

Cheers,

- Dr. Peter