You’ve heard all about getting dialed back to a reasonable bedtime, packing the lunch or backpack the night before, setting up a work station with all the right doo-dads neatly organized.  Good advice indeed for student success.

Now, for success in life as well as school, here are my Top Ten Tips for mindfully managing back-to-school stress:

1. STOP, RELAX, & THINK! Too often were’ running around mindlessly multitasking, feeling like we “have to” do this or that or the other thing. And the other thing always seems to pop up out of nowhere to bite us in the butt.  The best way to hurry up and get where you want to go, is to STOP and slow down!  Otherwise, you may be hurrying in the wrong direction.

2. Regain Perspective. Rather than running around reflexively reacting, slow down to reflectively respond instead.  Zoom out and take a “God’s eye view” to look at your life or your day.  What’s working well and what isn’t?  And why?  What goals for this school year (or day) really matter the most?  And why?

3. Reset Your Priorities. When you get refocused on your big “Why’s”, it helps to put all the little stuff that we’re not supposed to sweat about back into perspective. Then we can zoom in to refocus on what really matters.  Sure, there are the practical realities of making it to the bus on time, and getting the homework done, and hopefully learning something new each day, and being able to productively “show what you know” on tests and papers and such.

Yet in our hearts, we know that what matters most is HOW we achieve those practical goals – with loving-kindness and patience and laughter, or tense, impulsive frustration and fretting.  It really is about the journey, not the destination.  That’s what your child really needs to learn, perhaps – how to go about meeting his/her daily responsibilities with joy, rather than anxiety or anger.  Which are you modeling? Which are you practicing?  That’s what your children will remember about their childhood.

Don’t be shy about this.  Post little reminder notes, sayings, inspirational quotes, pictures, art, etc. around your home, your desk, your refrigerator, your car dashboard. Keep the good stuff front and center – for you and your kids.

4. Recharge Your Batteries. If you’re running on empty, you can’t give your child your best self – let alone you deserve to enjoy your best self yourself!   So give yourself a minute, just one minute right now, to reflect on something.

Think of a time recently when you were really happy. What were you doing, where were you, whom were you with?  Recall an experience when you felt alive, energized, joyful.  Simply put, what are some things that you enjoy doing? What brings you energy?  Excites or calms you? What’s fun for you? Now, would you like more of that in your life?

Okay, so do more of that.  YES, you can!  There are 32 half-hour segments in your waking day.  At least ONE of them can be for your pure unadulterated enjoyment – every single day!  I promise, the rest of the world will still survive if it only gets the other 31/32 parts of you.  If you’re truly committed to your top priorities (see 3 above), then you’ll need to recharge your batteries, refuel your gas tank, so you can actually reach your destination.  It’s really not optional – though as crazy, unconscious, martyring parents, we keep thinking it is.

And remember, if you’re suffering, you’re children are suffering.

So, go for that walk DAILY.  Pray.  Watch your favorite TV show.  Have lunch with that friend.  Read inspirational stories or passages.  Run, bike, or play volleyball. Have people that make you laugh over for dinner or dessert or a drink.  Get that back rub or bubble bath.  Take a half hour each night to snuggle under blankets with your child, eating popcorn, reading a book, or thumb wrestling.  Hug your partner, often. Whatever does it for you. Recharge.

Healthy mindfulness practice is about having brief periods of awareness repeated many times.  It’s not about taking some big chunk of time or meeting some grand goal or striving to be happy or healthy.  It’s about appreciating the gift of what is, in the present moment.

Be more present to the moments that bring you joy.  And insert them, bit by bit, into your daily life.

5. Recharge Your Child’s Batteries.  Ditto for your kids.  Structure it, guide it, see to it.  Don’t smother it or force it.  Give your child the space to have what nourishes them, perhaps with you, perhaps without. But be aware, and facilitate it. What re-energizes your child?  What soothes your child?  Make sure it’s a conscious part of the daily diet of family life.

6. Listen Carefully, Speak Clearly. Communication skills are fundamental to healthy, happy relationships.  And having close, supportive relationships is the single biggest predictor of well-being at any stage of life.  So nurture your relationship with your child, especially through the stressful transitions of back-to-school or otherwise, with mindful communications.

Listen with an open mind.  Don’t just be waiting your turn to get YOUR point across. As Steven Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  Are you really listening, not just to your child’s words, but to the thoughts and feelings behind those words?  Are you understanding what feelings, needs, struggles, desires your child is trying to express?  Acknowledgement and acceptance are critical, always. Approval is another matter.  You’ll want to consciously decide if you approve of what your child is saying or doing, and then act accordingly.

Speak with an open heart.  Be clear in your heart, what do you really care about in this situation?  What value or principle do you want your child to learn from you in this moment?  Get clear on that, then state it clearly and compassionately.  Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it meanly.

7. Work on Purpose.  Other critical life skills for your child include being creative, industrious, responsible, persistent.  To be able to work through difficulties without giving up.  To work towards a goal, even in the midst of frustrations and distractions, and achieve it.  To sustain attention and effort to a task, to persevere even when you don’t want to, to produce meaningful output through thoughtful input.  To gain mastery and competence and confidence.  These are important paths to a life well-lived.  And a nice by-product is they get you good grades in school, too.

So make clear to your child, these too are priorities.  Without nagging or perpetually complaining about the black cloud of homework or chores hanging overhead, get to it.  Schedule “classes” at home just like they do at school.  Or schedule homework or chore “appointments”, just like you do for doctors or music lessons or anything else.  Schedule time-limited (30, 45, 60 minutes) appointments into your calendar, 5-6 days a week.  Then get your child to show up at the appointed hour, and focus on that thing for that time.  Period.  No discussions or worrying about it before or afterwards. Just do it in that space at that time. Now is our time to work, just like now is our time to sleep, or now is our time to eat.  It’s planned and purposeful.

Preview with your child specifically what work he/she needs to do.  Briefly create a game plan for how they’ll do it, and make sure the materials or tools are there to succeed.  Be clear on the time expectations. You will “collect the papers” or “end the appointment” or “inspect the job” at a specific time. Set a timer or set an alarm on your watch or cell phone to cue you and/or your child. Encourage your child to do the best they can in that allotted time (just like they do when taking a test at school).  Expect that they can and will give their full engagement to this task at this time.  Remove any distractions, especially extraneous electronic ones.  Prime the pump by starting the child on the task, then fade away while remaining available if your child has any questions or needs any assistance.  Do random spot checks and provide positive, encouraging redirections.  Give a 5-10 minute warning before the end of the period.  At the end of the period, come in, briefly review and close.  Now let it go until the next scheduled appointment.  Set your child, and yourself, free!

8. Hang out and Play.  When looking at the weekly schedule, when looking at the hours left in the day, be sure to schedule some unscheduled time in there.  Don’t just let it happen by default, with unconscious “zombie screen time” sucking the hours away, and then awakening in a stupor at the end of the evening to “hey, what just happened, where did the time go?”  Rather, consciously insert “free play” or “down time” into your family life.

And pay attention to it.  Hanging out time can be the most sacred time you can have. It’s the space between the notes that makes the music sweet.  And this is the space where you and your child can really grow together.  This is when and where most children – especially teens – reveal themselves the most.  It’s where you get to see the person your child is becoming.  It can be unstructured – just literally sitting around, maybe watching TV or listening to music or witnessing a storm blow through.  It can be specified play time – as in, “Now we’re gonna have play time, what do you want to play?”

Card games, board games, video games, puzzles, charades, storytelling, make-believe, coloring, arts-and-crafts, sing-alongs, building forts or rube goldberg machines (google it!), playing catch in the back yard, sitting around a campfire, lingering at the table after dinner, or snuggling under the covers again.  The possibilities are endless. It can even be in the mundane moments of the day – while washing dishes or folding laundry or walking the dog or driving to the store together.

The key is, pay attention – not to your next “to do” item, but to the beauty of the moment, of just being with your kids.

9. Be Thankful. No matter what you do, some days the tensions and frustrations of the school day/week/year will get to you – or to your child.  You’ll feel overwhelmed and anxious.  You’ll be impatiently, impulsively angry at the world, and you’ll snap.  Go ahead, allow yourself that moment of frustration and self-doubt – of “why me?” or “damn you kid/parent/teacher/coach/God/whatever!”  Then let it go, and remember something else.

Remember how fortunate you are to have these problems. Remember how blessed you are to have this child, this parent, this spouse, this life – even all the ugly awful drudgery of it.  Now, if it’s a crisis or abusive situation, you need to work diligently and immediately to get out of harm’s way as best you can, of course.  And still, there will be things to be thankful for.  Don’t forget those things.  Be aware and awaken to them.  Appreciate them.

Practically, you can start each new day with a mindful moment or prayer of thanksgiving.  You can all share one thing you’re thankful for with each other at dinnertime or bedtime.  You can keep a gratitude journal where you write down 3 things that you appreciated about your day.  Recent research shows that these simple practices really do lead to less stress and more health and happiness in our lives – whatever the circumstances.

10. Just Breathe. The universal remedy.  It’s always with you – ready, willing, and able to help you heal. (Or not. It’s your choice.)  Whenever you’re feeling frantic, frenzied, or frazzled, you can always return to peacefulness by returning to your breath.  Slow, deep, cleansing breaths.  Out goes the tension, in comes the peace. Gently, lovingly, strongly – just breathe.  Let all other thoughts go lightly by.  You may notice them, but you are not, for the moment, controlled by them.  You are focusing on the sensations of your breathing. In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  In-2-3-4, Out-2-3-4.  Ahhhh.

Now you’re ready to return to number 1, and repeat these top ten tips over and over, bit by bit, as you and your child resume the daily activities of being back-to-school and on-the-go.  Mindfully.  Happily.  Perfectly imperfectly.  Content.

Gotta a story to tell…
I wrote to my congressman and senators the other day – furious and fed up about the polarized partisan absurdity going on in DC over the debt ceiling and budget woes and us teetering on the brink of a downward spiral towards national bankruptcy and international economic collapse.  Good times.
I asked them to please knock it the heck off – we’re not stupid, we don’t want any more placating sound bites, we need real solutions for our real baby boomer bubble for the coming decades, not just false hopes to get us through the next election cycle.  (For the record, I opined that it’s gotta include BOTH reducing expenses AND increasing revenues for a while to get us out of this debt hole, and yes it’ll mean hard truths and sacrifices for us all, and yes that better include the wealthiest amongst us, but so be it, we can’t keep getting something for nothing…)

Anyway, I went on to tell them I was losing all hope in our political system as well as our public leaders, because of the lack of civil discourse and honest problem-solving that we sorely need to move our country forward. (Just like the families I work with.)  I asked if they could please work together to find a realistic solution, given that we’re all in the same boat and we’ll all either sink or swim together on this one.

(Again, like the families I work with.)  I asked if they could please give me reason for hope again.
Meanwhile, I had some extra tough challenges at work and home this week.  It’s been one of those weeks where the harder you work, the further behind you feel; the more you get done, the more others want you to do; the more you want things to go a certain way, the more apt they are to go just about 180 degrees differently.
So finally I paid attention to the tension in my neck and back and head. I stopped pushing so hard to produce. Instead I quieted down, and started to listen – to what my body and the universe were trying to tell me.  Rather than pushing, I began to allow myself to be pulled in a direction that my heart knew to be true. Rather than trying so hard to achieve, I opened myself up to receive.
This took me on an alternative path to my destination (and who’s to say which is the main road and which is the detour, anyway?) – that of completing this article and some other reports by tomorrow’s deadline.
In short, I called a TIME OUT from the raging conflict within, and sought some brief TIME OFF to recharge my spirit. I let go of insisting on exactly how I was going to accomplish my responsibilities, though never doubting that I would. I just opened myself up to different possibilities about how I’d get there.
I stopped micromanaging myself, took a few deep cleansing breaths, and just entered into a brief centering prayer – allowing myself to become one with the flowing river of life, trusting where the current would take me.
It wasn’t long before the current brought me quite effortlessly to a meditation reading for today by Joan Borysenko (”Pocketful of Miracles”) that saved my sanity and led me on to something even more inspiring.
Her reflection for today:

“There is an old adage that angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. Steve Bhaerman is a humorist who often performs under the alias of Swami Beyonananda, the Yogi from Muskogy. Levity, he says, is the very best way of overcoming gravity. Have you heard the story about the guy who actually left his body permanently during a course on death and dying? He got an A.”
And her suggested practice for today:
“A joke a day may not keep the doctor away, but there is good scientific evidence that laughter actually brings forth the relaxation response. Why not? A good joke instantly breaks you out of everyday trance and the attachment to past and future and delivers you into the present moment where joy, harmony, and peace are as natural as breathing. Your spiritual practice today is to learn, and then tell, one joke. Notice the increase of the lifeforce energy when you laugh.”
Amen! This brought a smile to my lips and a tear to my eye. It was just the message I needed – to not take things so seriously – not a writing deadline, not a certain expectation that my child failed to meet, not even an impending economic meltdown.
I’ve always agreed with the old adage that “Laughter is the best medicine.” And it is important to practice, of course, what we preach. So I sought out Swami Beyonananda’s website, enjoyed some video clippings, and gave myself an endorphin bath with a good few minutes of LOL humor.
Then another magical thing happened. I went to the companion website, Steve Bhaerman’s blog, where I thoroughly enjoyed his editorial post about a transpartisan movement of people “left and right coming together front and center” to seek common-sense, common-cause, consensus-based solutions to our societal problems. (See http://notesfromthetrailblog.com/?p=280 if you’re interested.)
I loved it. It cheered me up. It recommitted me to my work to restore sanity to humanity, one family at a time. It spurred me on to write and complete a newsletter article in time for my deadline (Voila!). And much more than the form-letter replies I received from my congressman and senators, it gave me hope.
So here’s to summer living that is a little bit Steve, a little bit Swami – living out loud with both our heads and our hearts. And here’s to living ala his website: WakeUpLaughing.

Our spirits, our families, and our children, will benefit greatly.

]]> http://www.petermontminy.com/2011/07/wake-up-laughing/feed/ 0 http://www.petermontminy.com/2011/04/when-your-child-makes-a-big-mistake/ http://www.petermontminy.com/2011/04/when-your-child-makes-a-big-mistake/#comments Fri, 29 Apr 2011 15:06:25 +0000 admin http://www.petermontminy.com/?p=414

We’ve all been there: “We all make mistakes.”  It’s easy for us to say those comforting words – to be compassionate and forgiving – when we see someone else’s kid really mess up.  But how do we handle it when it’s one of our own?  With the same loving kindness and wisdom?

We do all make mistakes, especially our children who are growing up trying to figure out what’s right, what’s wrong, and what they want to do about it.  These moment-to-moment choices ultimately determine where they fit in and who they are.  Our children grow from being naïve, immature pre-schoolers to more aware, mature decision-making pre-adults.  Hopefully.

Are you Laughing-Out-Loud?  If your child has gotten to the teen years yet, or even the tween years, you probably are.  Or you’re rolling your eyes.  Or you’re holding your breath.

It’s so challenging nowadays for both parents and kids to get through the journey from childhood to adulthood without facing some major mistakes and set-backs along the way.  There are just too many challenges, temptations, stressors, and plain bad influences surrounding them at every turn – online and off.

Yes, kids make mistakes.  Big ones.  We’re talking cheating, stealing, or lying.  Physically fighting, bullying or harassing others, vulgar or hurtful gossiping, vengeful acts, self-mutilation.  Drinking, smoking weed, snorting worse, having sex – unsafe or otherwise.  Violating some important family value or social norm.  Making some serious errors of judgment that negatively affect them or those around them.

And sometimes they get caught up in a peer group where these choices get reinforced, glorified, vilified, and amplified, especially in today’s social media world.  Before your child knows it, a single action can get perversely distorted as it spreads like wildfire across the facebook, twitter, and texting landscape of tweens and teens.  Your child gets to relive his or her mistake over and over, and others do too, until a reputation can be built up or broken down in a heartbeat.

What’s a well-meaning parent (or teacher or counselor or coach) to do?  As Winston Churchill said, “All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from them.”  How do you help your child get through these growing up mistakes so that they really do learn from them, grow stronger from them?

I’ve developed a protocol over the years for older children and adolescents to go through with a parent (or counselor) when they’ve made a major life mistake – or even a series of them.  It’s called “Resetting Your Compass.”

First, when you discover the bad news about the bad choices your child has made, collect yourself.  Literally take some deep breaths, and spend a few minutes or hours reflecting on what you know, what you don’t know, and how you feel.  Get centered on what you really want your child to learn from this experience – what are the solutions to whatever problems or challenges your child was facing at the time, and how do you hope your child will change for the better as you move forward.  Get the facts first, as clearly as possible – while accepting the fact that you’ll never know all the facts for sure anyway!  But don’t dwell on the past and “why’s,” focus on the future and “how’s.”

As soon as you’ve collected your thoughts and emotions, and done likewise with your spouse or co-parent, then schedule a quiet time and place to sit down with your child to discuss (a) what happened, (b) why, and (c) so what?

The “so what?” part is ultimately the part that matters most. As in, so what do we do now (consequences, restitution, remediation) and what do we do differently moving forward.  Accept that everyone at the table has a responsibility for the problem and the solution.  Discuss how you will guide and supervise your child (and his/her peers) moving forward.  And elicit from your child how he/she will be making smarter choices, even in the face of temptation or adversity, moving forward.

To help with this part, I’ve developed the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire that helps your child review their Big Mistake(s) in terms of where they were coming from, where they are now, and where they’re heading.

I strongly recommend that part of the immediate consequence for your tween or teen is to take this “take home test” seriously.  After your first big sit-down discussion with your child about what happened and what do we do now, let him/her know that this discussion has been “Part 1” of several healing steps you are going to guide your child through, to see that he/she regroups, recovers, and grows stronger from this experience.

The second step is for your teen or tween to take this questionnaire with them (electronic or paper copy) and spend a week reflecting on their answers, and writing them down.  Give the child a week to read, pray, think, discuss with whomever they want whatever they want to about these questions.  But mostly you want them to look inward, not outward, for their answers.  It’s often good to encourage them to read some relevant, inspirational book or passages (yes, hand them to them!) or maybe watch a relevant movie with a moral, to help prime the pump.

Anyway, then they must write or type or dictate their answers to each question, and bring their written responses to the next meeting with you.

Let them know that the writing part is for them only – to promote introspection and honesty with themselves – you will not read the written answers.  But you will look to see that they wrote at least several sentences for each question.  Why?  We want them to go deeply here, not superficially.  You’re using this process for the big mistakes, not the little ones, and we want them to have a big learning experience, hopefully a big change of heart.  That only comes with thoughtful reflection and some extra work.

In your second meeting a week later, ask your son or daughter to summarize their answers to you, to tell you about what they’ve learned, what they really think or feel, how they really want to live their life, and what they need (from themselves, you, and others) to succeed at living that life.  How do they intend to move forward, being their best self, even in the face of a tempting, pressuring, crazy world out there.

Let them know you’re there for them, always, with love.  And limits.  And be sure to follow-up regularly with observations, comments, and questions about these matters.  It’s not a one-time deal, it’s about ongoing support and guidance.

For those of you motivated enough to get to the end of this article, feel free to use the “Resetting Your Compass” questionnaire as a tool towards self-discovery and healing. It’s here for you at no charge (at www.kidstepcoaching.com/compass) – for whenever you or your child makes a big mistake.

Be one of the wise ones – learn from it.  And keep on growing.

“How do I know if he’s capable or not…?  Is it that she can’t do it, or just won’t…?  What should I expect?”

Parents I coach agonize over how much is too much to expect from their child, whether they’re adding too much stress to their child’s life, or selling them short and letting them get away with too much.  How do you know where to “set the bar” for your child?

Take into consideration these 3 factors:  your child’s stage of developmental (what’s typical for that age?), your child’s temperament (degree of sensitivity, reactivity, intensity), and your child’s environment (surrounding people and situations, amount of supports and stressors).

Start with what you notice most kids his or her age are doing, but don’t get stuck there with a whole lot of SHOULDs.  Children vary in their rates of maturity, and you need to make realistic adjustments to what fits for your child’s temperament – perhaps altering the pace, tone, volume, or amount of demands at any one time.  And you may need to make allowances for the situational stressors or demands that your family is facing at any given time.

Now, it’s important not to just flop around with inconsistent expectations and blame it on changing environmental circumstances.  Start with your values and what you expect your child to adhere to.  For example: listen the first time you ask him to do something, use manners when asking for something, share with her siblings, use words not hands when he’s angry, etc.

If you need to make an adjustment for temperament or environment, do so thoughtfully and proactively, not helter-skelter and reactively.  Take the time to be mindful about what expectations best fit for your child right now.  Set the bar at a level he COULD realistically jump over, not just where you think he SHOULD be able to.  And be clear about it to your child ahead of time.

If you really want your child to listen better, you first need to know that he really understands what is expected.  So make sure you’re using these S.M.A.R.T. expectations.

1. Specific – Describe a specific behavior, not a vague trait.  Don’t say, “Be more responsible.”  Do say, “Remember to hang up your coat and backpack when you get home (before TV goes on).

2. Measurable – Use behaviors you can track, not be clueless about your criteria.  Don’t say, “Clean up this mess.”  Do say, “You need to put all the clothes in the hamper and toys on the shelf.”

3. Acceptable – Focus on the positive “DO” behaviors, not the “DON’T!” behaviors.  Don’t say, “Stop whining.”  Do say, “I can’t hear you. Try again with your big boy (cool dude?!) voice.”

4. Realistic – Be sure your child realistically could do it (consistently and independently), not should be able to do it.  Don’t say, “Be all ready to go in 10 minutes.”  Do say, “See if you can put on your shirt, pants, and socks before the timer goes off, and then I’ll help you put on your shoes.”

5. Timely – Set a specific deadline, not whenever or right away.  Don’t say, “Stop arguing and just get it done!”  Do say, “I know it feels hard.  You still need to stop arguing and put it all away by the time I come back in 3 minutes.  I know you can do it.  Ready, go!”

When thinking about setting your children up for success, spend a little bit of time mindfully choosing what you really want out of your kids, and then gracefully explaining it to them.  Work SMARTer, not harder, to get along better.

QUESTION: What’s the number one secret to guiding your children through the challenges of growing up today? 

How do you get your kids to cooperate respectfully, complete their chores and homework, listen and talk to you, socialize safely with a good group of peers, be happy and healthy, all while preserving some semblance of family fun and personal sanity?

ANSWER: Make conscious choices.  Before opening your mouth to your children, open your ears.  Before opening your ears, open your mind.  And before opening your mind, open your heart. 

Feel compassionately.  What does my child really need in this moment?  Regardless of how they are expressing it right now, what does my heart tell me they are really trying to say?  Step out of your own needs for a minute and be fully present with your child.  Then follow your gut instinct.  Good bet it’s right.

Think clearly.  Now shape your response in a way that starts with love yet is draped with reason.  Maintain your principles, keep firm and clear limits, and be the safe container that your child needs to grow securely.  Don’t seek to be their friends, don’t worry about them not loving you, don’t react out of fear or guilt or your own insecurities.  Own your love and your belief in your child, and in yourself.  You have the right, indeed the responsibility, to guide your child with your ideas of right and wrong.  Think clearly, then communicate clearly.

Listen carefully.  Your child’s words, their body language, their facial expressions, their texts and wall posts, their silences.   Their choices of play activities, friends, clothes, music, TV shows.  Your children are busy exploring who they are and discovering where they fit in – or not.  Pay attention to who your children are becoming.  Be open to hearing new possibilities, while allowing them to make mistakes.  Seek always to understand, if not always approve.

Act mindfully.  Model polite manners, respect for others, and loving laughter.  Be forthright with your thoughts and feelings and explanations.  Teach your kids that it’s what you do with your feelings that counts.  Always be honest, though brief and edited for young ears, even about painful things.  Follow through consistently with limits and consequences that are firm and fair.  Act with integrity.  Accept responsibility.  Apologize when wrong, and forgive when wronged.  Be patient and persistent.  Never, ever give up.

When you do these things, you will receive the greatest gift of all – the enduring love and respect of your children – even when they’re little snots or big pains in the you-know-what, which inevitably they will be. 

You will find that the sacred gift of raising children – teaching them life’s lessons – is really about learning life’s lessons yourself all over again.  It’s a magical mystery tour.  Enjoy the ride!

“Being 14 is a funny place to be,” I say to the teens I work with.  “When you were 4, your parents made almost all your decisions for you – what to wear, when to eat, who and what you could play with.  When you’re 24, you’ll be making almost all your decisions – where to live, what to eat and drink, how late to stay out, who to hang with.  But when you’re 14, you’re neither 4 nor 24, you’re stuck in some crazy land in between.  And so are your parents.”

Adolescence, as we all know, is a time of turmoil due to the rapid physical, psychological, and social changes taking place.  The emotion and motor control centers of the brain are working in overdrive, while the executive control center (the frontal lobes in charge of planning, organizing, self-monitoring, and rational decision-making) are still 10 years away from fully maturing.  Hormones are lighting up and turning our kids on in all sorts or angry, erotic, anxious, and exciting ways.  Teens are striving for autonomy.  They are developing their own identity outside of the family unit, constantly comparing themselves to one another, and seeking to “fit in” at almost any cost.  Social status is the currency for self-esteem.  Teens want independence, yet need supervision.  They want you to notice them, yet leave them alone – often at the same time!

It’s no wonder the parent-adolescent relationship is often fraught with conflict.  And that conflict often boils down to one essential challenge: how to balance the rights and responsibilities of both the parent and the child.  Who’s in charge of what aspects of the child’s life?  Who’s making what decisions?  And how?

Parents (and teachers) are often walking a tightrope between being too lenient and laissez-faire – letting the teen have too much freedom – and being overly strict or controlling – not giving the teen a chance to test the waters and develop their own abilities.

So how best to balance this tricky equation?  Here’s a few guidelines for you to consider, and then to calmly discuss with your tween or teen.  – The sooner and more often, the better. 

I strongly encourage you to have repeated dialogues about these issues with your kids.  Not monologues.  Share your values, concerns, expectations, and rationales.  And then ask for their input, opinions, feelings, and concerns.  Be truly interested in what they think about these topics, and help them explore what is reasonable and fair.  You’d be surprised how well even the most troubled teen can do with this when they’re not feeling threatened or coerced into agreeing with rules that they feel are being arbitrarily shoved down their throats.

1. Parents are responsible for their teens – legally, financially, medically, and morally – until the child is 18 years old.  That’s a fact.  Your child needs to recognize that means the parent not only has the right to know what’s going on in their lives, but has the responsibility to know of and approve of the teen’s activities.

   In order to meet their responsibilities, the parent has the right to know and approve of WHO the child is with, WHERE the child is, WHAT the kids are doing, and WHEN the activity begins and ends.  The parent also has the right to inspect the teen’s property – both offline (bedroom, closet, backpack, locker) and online (email, forums, facebook, twitter, voicemail, text messages, etc.).

   Why?!  Go back to the first sentence following number one above.  Repeat as needed.

2. The teen has limited rights to privacy.  (NOTE: Teen Life Lesson #649 – even adults don’t have unlimited rights to privacy.)  As the child moves through the teen years from 13 to 18, they move further away from childhood and closer to adulthood.  That means they move ever closer to greater independence, autonomy, self-determination, and with that, greater rights to privacy. 

   So how does your teen get more privacy rights?  The old fashion way – he or she earns them.  Just like TV, computers, cell phones, hanging out with friends, sleepovers, dating a boyfriend or girlfriend, clubs, sports, etc. are not God-given rights, they are privileges to be earned.  So too, is privacy, a privilege to be earned. 

3. The way for your teen to earn more privacy and freedom is by building trust.  And the best way to build trust is to be open and honest no matter what.  To always tell the truth.  And to make safer, smarter, choices.  In short, to be more responsible and mature.

   What are safe, smart choices?  That’s determined in part by common sense and partly by your family values.  It’s determined in part by developmental standards and social norms, and partly by the teen’s unique temperament and capabilities.  Taking these factors into consideration, you can determine the “just right” set of expectations for your child.

   If your values include no stealing, taking drugs, or having sex, then your child will need to make those choices to earn more freedom of choice and privacy.  If you expect your child to control his temper and ask for things politely, then he’ll need to make those choices.  If you want your teen to complete her homework, pitch in with chores around the house, be kind to her siblings, then she’ll need to make those choices.  That is, if she wants to earn the right to go out more and do more things on her own.
    

4. As parents, you will do best when you accept your limitations.  You cannot control your child’s life (and expect to get great results).  You can guide and instruct.  You can share your values and expectations, your hopes and fears.  You can model appropriate, healthy choices, and encourage your child to do the same.  You can reinforce your teen for taking responsibility for his/her actions by following through consistently with meaningful consequences.

   But you can’t do it for her.  You can’t monitor her 24/7.  You can’t fight her battles for her.  She needs room to make her own choices, including her own mistakes.  You have the right and responsibility to set her up for success as best you know how.  She has the right and responsibility to step out into the world and explore it in her own way – and to live with the consequences.

5. Remember, your greatest, most powerful parenting tool is “WHEN…THEN…”

   WHEN your teen does more of what they need to (what you expect of them), THEN they may have more of what they want (privileges, freedoms).

   You, as the parent – hopefully after thoughtful, honest discussions with your teen – have the right and responsibility to fill in the blanks to the above template.  You set the bar for what RESPONSIBILITIES your teen needs to meet, and you help set the menu of RIGHTS that your child can earn, accordingly. 

It’s a thankless, tiring job at times.  But someday they really will come back and thank you.  It just may not be until those frontal lobes of the brain come fully online around age 25.  May you live to see the day!

“Racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, yucky thoughts galore,
Go away, leave me be, yucky thoughts no more!” 

Sometimes children are haunted by worrisome thoughts that intrude into their daily lives without warning.  These thoughts may be worries about realistic concerns such as family fighting, impending divorce, an upcoming move, or academic failures.  Sometimes these thoughts grow, like a rolling snowball, ever larger until the imagination transforms them into monstrous worries that distort reality.  When children have these obsessive worries, they may act out to try to rid themselves of their “bad brain” thoughts, or they may quietly suffer the imaginary battle waging inside their head.  Either way, children are often afraid and embarrassed to tell anybody.  What to do?

First, let the child know that it’s okay to talk about their thoughts and worries.  Be clear that the child is not bad for having these thoughts, and that the worrisome thoughts can be made to go away.  Separate out the “good thoughts” from the “bad thoughts” that are bothering them.  Give the “bad thoughts” a name, shape, or identity (such as a bothersome bug), and prepare the child to do battle with the enemy (“we’ll work together to keep squashing that darned worry bug!”).  Always reassure the child that you love them, you’ll be there to help, and that these worries always do go away eventually.

Second, provide the child with a few tools to use to beat back those nasty thought bugs.  Get the child to visualize a stop sign that they can suddenly flash in front of any bothersome thoughts or images.  Have the child clearly picture the stop sign, its size and color, so they can focus their minds on that image coming between them and their worries.  As they focus on the stop sign, which should bring the racing thoughts to a halt, have them picture themselves as the director of a play, shouting “Stop!” to the intrusive thoughts or images.

Third, use a magic box to trap the bother bugs or a bug spray that makes them go away.  Some kids like trapping the bugs or images in a big tractor trailer box, locked up, which then hauls the mess away.  Enlist the child’s vivid imagination to picture successfully doing this, and have some practice sessions where you get silly imagining hauling different problems away.

Fourth, end this adventure with some relaxation exercises.  Encourage the child to lay back with their hands on their belly.  Imagine a balloon (of whatever color or design the child likes) inside the belly.  Now, with slow deep breaths, concentrate on filling that belly balloon with air and watching the hands rise up on the stomach.  Use “4×4 breathing” where you count to four slowly on the in-breath, hold it one count, then count to four slowly on the out-breath.  Complete this exercise 3-4 times, focusing solely on the sights, sounds, and feelings of breath filling and emptying out of the balloon.  Relax, relax, relax.

Finally, redirect the child to get up and go play a fun activity, preferably with you or another person to keep them engaged.  Enjoy the moment.  Sure, the worry bugs may come back again, but you and your child will be ready!  Repeat as needed.  See a professional for assistance if worries continue with greater frequency or intensity.

When each day feels like a mad race to the finish line, getting your child to sleep can sometimes feel like the ultimate challenge.  You’re both exhausted.  You just want the little bugger to quickly and quietly drift off to dreamland, so you can get a few minutes of peace to yourself – or at least get the next load of laundry done.

And God knows, when you finally do get to sleep yourself, the last thing you want is for the pitter-patter of little, or perhaps not so little, feet prancing into your bedroom looking for help – or for room under your covers.

What can you do to get your child into their own bed, and stay there throughout the night without multiple arguments, false starts, or midnight crises?  How do you help your child get to sleep without whining or crying (we’re talking about the child here, not you!)?

Here’s how:

1. No liquids 1-2 hours before bed.   (If needed, a small Dixie cup of water at bedtime.)  Make sure your child goes to the bathroom immediately before getting in bed.  It’s automatic.  “Time to brush teeth and go potty.  Then we’ll get in bed and have story time/back rub/riddle of the day…”  Be there; see it through.  Then get to the fun stuff.

2.  Enjoy a soothing bedtime routine in your child’s bed for 10-20 minutes (read, chat, cuddle).  Not overly stimulating or exciting.  Relaxing and comforting.  If needed, keep a small night-light or hallway/bathroom light on nearby.  Some soft music may be left on if that helps.  No TV in the bedroom, no TV watching in bed!

3. If you’re going to sleep together at all, do it in the child’s bed, not yours.
Whether it’s at the beginning or the middle of the night, see to it that your child falls asleep in his/her own bed.  Establish the child’s bedroom as the place where your child begins to feel secure.  First with you, then gradually without you.

4. Provide as much support as needed to get the desired result, then gradually fade your level of support.  Initially, you’ll stay nearby while the child falls asleep.  Remain quiet and in close proximity, with gradual withdrawal.  You may start out snuggling in bed for the first few nights, then sitting by the bed, then lounging on the other side of the bedroom, then hanging out nearby, outside the bedroom.  Spend several days at each of these stages, as needed, until your child is successfully and comfortably falling asleep.

You’ll want to engage in some quiet activity (reading, sewing, balancing the checkbook, whatever) – being physically present, but ignoring the child.  Your goal is to create a sense of psychological security by just being present.  No conversations other than occasional gentle reassurance “it’s alright honey, you’re fine” and redirection “it’s time to close your mouth and eyes and rest quietly”.  No pressure to go to sleep.  It will come when it’s ready.  

Once you leave the room, you may come back and check on the child in 10-15 minutes.
But if you promise to do that, make sure you keep your promise.  And do it only once per night (no endless game playing).

5. Enforce this firm rule: “Once in bed, stay in bed.”  The only exception is for bathroom necessities (should be rare if you did #1 above).  Your child goes immediately to the bathroom, with or without parent help, and is guided right back to their own bed.  Same thing in the case of a nightmare emergency – the child is firmly and calmly guided right back to bed.  Then Repeat step 4, as needed.

6. Add extra reinforcement or consequences, if needed.

Your child may earn points for each night he goes to sleep in his own bed (quickly and quietly!), and bonus points for staying in bed all night without needing parent assistance.  After the first week, you can add penalty points for getting out of bed for any reason. 

No matter what, if your child gets out of bed, you need to calmly, compassionately, and consistently guide them right back to bed. No big discussions or arguments.  Loving understanding AND firm limits.  Again, repeat step 4 as needed.

If your child needs extra help to not be so anxious, you can use a “safety ticket” system (eg., up to 3 “free passes” per week for an extra back rub in their own bed if they get too upset while in bed and need extra attention or assistance). 

Use consequences such as a “Reward Menu” where points earned can be cashed in for privileges or prizes.  The rewards should be based on things that are MEANINGFUL to the child (really matters to that child) and DOABLE for the adult (the parents are willing and able to follow through consistently with delivering the earned consequences – either rewards or punishments). 

Keeping this rule in mind, generate a list of possible consequences for your child, perhaps even soliciting her input.  Kids often have more investment in a program if they’ve had some say in helping to create it.  It’s often effective to have small immediate consequences that can be for the next day, with an additional big bonus reward for having so many “successful nights” (eg., 6 out of 7 nights per week without getting out of bed at all).

The emphasis should be on praising the child for making a strong effort, doing their job, and feeling proud about becoming “a big boy/girl.”  The extra consequences are added only in the most difficult cases, and are SECONDARY reinforcers to the attention and praise for doing well.

7. Parents must be prepared to peacefully and contentedly focus on this bedtime routine for 1-3 weeks, without resentment or added tension.  Understand that it will take a few weeks to break the cycle of bad habits that your child (and you!) have been engaged in. 

Remember that the Short Term Pain of having to monitor bedtime so rigorously now, will result in the Long Term Gain of creating a secure and self-discipline child – at bedtime and beyond.

“When my child gets out of control, what do I do?  How can he control his emotions better? He’s flying off the handle too much lately.  He gets upset, yells, throws a fit over little things.  I’m tired of doing battle with him, and starting to lose my temper more than I want to, too.”

“Why can’t she just do what I ask, when I ask, without all the drama?  It’s so upsetting to see her get all upset – panicking when things don’t go as expected, or melting down when things don’t go her way.”

Parents often struggle to help their children overcome daily life stressors, like getting homework completed, picking up after themselves, cleaning bedrooms, not fighting with siblings, getting out the door on time in the morning, getting to bed at night, helping around the house, getting off the computer when asked, etc., etc., etc.!

If you have a child who is wired to be emotionally sensitive or intense, these daily hassles can quickly turn into exhausting daily crises for both of you.  What do do?

Before arguing over a specific behavior you want your child to do – or to stop doing – always pay attention to your child’s feeling state first.  This is the key to teaching your kids to listen with less drama, to quickly regain control when they do lose it, and to establish the self-regulation they need to succeed in life.

As you interact with your child, be fully aware of your child’s mood at the time.  Ask yourself, “What is he feeling right now?  And how intense is it?”

Imagine that you have a Feeling Thermometer, and you stick it under your child’s tongue to take her feeling temperature.  On a scale from 1-10, how upset is she? 

Now, the beauty of this thermometer is it can take the temperature of any feeling.  How angry is he? How anxious is she?  How frustrated?  Agitated?  Depressed?  Discombobulated?

To help you visualize this more easily, I want to share a simple parenting tool that has proven effective for managing emotions in kids – and parents!  Click on the link here to download your own copy of Dr. Peter’s Feeling Thermometer:

http://www.kidstepcoaching.com/FeelingThermometer.pdf 

If your child is a little upset (annoyed, frustrated), at a 1, 2, or 3, we’ll say he’s in the Green Zone.  Moderately upset (angry, shouting mad) at a 4, 5, 6, or 7 is in the Yellow Zone.  Totally upset (furious, losing it, melting down, out of control) at an 8, 9, or 10 is in the Red Zone.

Now we all have our Green, Yellow, and Red zones.  And you’ll quickly discover that you can pretty accurately and intuitively describe where your child is at any given moment.  If you are mindful enough to consider your child’s feelings first!

Why bother?  Because measuring your child’s “feeling fever” in this way leads you directly to the most effective Action Plan to take with your child.

When your child is in the Red Zone, the Action Plan = STOP!  (Write it down on the line under Red Zone on your Feeling Thermometer.)  It’s time to take a TIME OUT. 

Stop all dialogue, discussion, or debate about the actual problem.  When your child is in the Red Zone, by definition she is out of control and irrational at this point.  Any talk or rational attempts to solve the original problem is just pouring gasoline on the fire.  You can discuss what started the fire later, now you just need to put the fire out. 

When someone is in the Red Zone, everyone needs to stop, retreat to neutral corners, and takes a time out to calm down and regroup.  Where possible, remove your child to a neutral space away from others.  

The key to success here is to disengage from your child emotionally and verbally.  Do not keep getting sucked in!  Calmly and firmly acknowledge your child’s plight with one sentence: “I see you’re really upset right now, and when you’re done, then we’ll talk about it.”  Now ignore your child’s tirade, except for maintaining enough awareness to ensure everyone’s physical safety.  Serve as a “safe container” for your child’s “emotional seizure,” but do not engage otherwise.

When your child is in the Yellow Zone, the Action Plan = RELAX!  (Fill in the blank on your Feeling Thermometer.) It’s time to CHILL OUT.

This is the most critical area for you to intervene, typically on the way up, as your child’s feeling temperature is rising, before it ever makes it to the Red Zone.  Also, important on the way back down, to help break the child’s “feeling fever.”

In the Yellow Zone, your child is clearly upset and agitated, not fully able to work through the problem constructively, but not out of control yet.  If you see the storm brewing, intervene now!  Compassionately coach your child on ways to relax and calm down.  You’ll need to discover together which ways work best for your child’s temperament and personality.  Ideally, you work on this in calm, teachable moments first.  Then remind and encourage your child to use those coping skills when they start getting too upset – when you see them getting to a 5 or so on the Feeling Thermometer.

The most universal and effective way for any of us to relax and calm down is to use deep, diaphragmatic breathing.  Simply encourage your child to take 3 slow, deep breaths before continuing on.  (I’ll have other articles and videos with more on this coming up.)  Add positive, affirmative self-talk (“I can calm down.  It’s okay.  It’s not the end of the world.  I just need to focus on the next step.  On what I can do now.  I can relax.  I will relax.  I am relaxing.”), or muscle tense-and-release strategies.  Or go for a brief walk, play music, stretch, joke, distract, or imagine a happy, relaxing scene.  Lots of different strategies. 

Develop what works for you and your child by increasing awareness of your body cues, thought cues, and feeling cues to when your getting agitated, and then use those cues to gently direct you to self-calming and recentering breathing.  Mindfulness practice is a wonderful thing, and no better time to use it than when you’re starting to enter the Yellow Zone.

When your child is in the Green Zone, the Action Plan = THINK!  (Fill in the blank on your Feeling Thermometer.)  It’s time to TALK IT OUT. 

Only now, when your child is in the Green Zone, can he and you constructively think about what’s wrong and what to do about it.  Only address the problem behavior when he’s in the Green Zone.  At all other times, focus on “reducing the feeling fever” or “putting out the feeling fire” first. 

If he’s calm enough to be in the Green Zone, now you can reflect briefly on his feelings, and then redirect him with what to do about it.  Join him in problem-solving about how he can handle the situation – how he can do something, even when he doesn’t like it or want to.  That’s an important life skill – the seeds of self-discipline and success.

In the Green Zone, briefly acknowledge your child’s feelings, and quickly move on to some solutions about how to handle the current dilemma.  For example:
“I understand you’re frustrated by this homework… and I can help you with that math.”
“I see you’re kinda mad at your sister… and you may use your words, not your hands, to tell her to stop.”
“I know you don’t want to get off the computer right now… and we still need to get ready for bed, so let’s save this game for tomorrow, as long as you can get off nicely now.”

In the Green Zone, you are mindfully joining with your child in a problem-solving adventure.  You are compassionate about your child’s feelings (what is stressing them), and you are guiding them towards a reasonable solution.  Ideally, this moment is preceded by clear and realistic expectations for your child, and followed by meaningful and consistent consequences.  But that’s a story for another day.

Finally, it may have occurred to you that you can’t do any of this caring, conscious parenting (or teaching) if you’re not mindful of your own emotions first!  Absolutely right.  We must get out our own, parent or teacher, feeling thermometers and take our own temperatures first, before we can begin to direct our children to “STOP, RELAX, AND THINK!”  Make sure you are in the Green Zone first, before trying any of these techniques.  Otherwise, you’re back to pouring gasoline on the fire.

Ask yourself, on a scale of 1-10, “How upset, tense, or stressed am I right now?”  If you’re aware that you’re in the Yellow or Red Zone, take the self-calming steps needed to bring your own feeling fever back down, before you’ll be well enough to care for your child.

Remember, mindful awareness of your feelings and your child’s feelings, will serve as the key to teaching your child how to successfully handle the many challenges of life.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with security,
they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

- From “Children Learn What They Live” by Dorothy Law Nolte

There is an exploding amount of western scientific research coming out these days confirming what eastern spiritual practices and grandma’s common sense have long known.  Children learn what they live.

Modern neuroscience is showing us more clearly than ever that children learn best only when they are living in an environment that is:

• safe and secure,
• pleasurable and fun,
• encouraging and nurturing,
• stimulating and challenging.

Children’s brains develop rapidly by interacting with people, places, and things that they can explore freely – without undue fear of physical or psychological harm.  Without safe and stimulating interactions from caregivers at each stage of development, a child’s mind will not reach its full potential. 

Sure, all children inherit different genes, and they are wired from birth with certain predispositions for both strengths and vulnerabilities.   Every parent with more than one child knows this.  But how those specific strengths will develop and how those vulnerabilities will be compensated for has everything to do with the environment your child grows up in. 

In short, your own personal and family well-being (along with the teacher’s and school’s well-being), goes a long way towards determining your child’s academic, social, and emotional successes in life. 

When parents or families are experiencing constant, chronic stress, that stress is downloaded onto the child.  And when your child is stressed, his or her mind is unable to fully do its job.  Your child is unavailable – dare I say with a brain that is off-line – for learning and succeeding in school.

Curiosity and creativity can only thrive when your child’s brain isn’t worrying about perceived threats to his or her personal well-being (both physical and emotional).  Paying attention, finding patterns, making connections to stored memories, and predicting how things will turn out – all critical processes for learning anything – can only occur when the emotional filters of the mid-brain feel secure enough to allow the higher brain to process incoming information.  And these higher brain decision-making centers in the frontal lobes – responsible for the “executive functions” of analyzing, prioritizing, planning, self-directing, and self-regulating – will only thrive when consistently nurturing and optimally challenging caregivers guide them.

Whew!  What a mouthful.  What does it all mean?

It means you, as a caring parent or teacher, will need to keep making conscious choices about how you interact with your growing children, if you want to see them develop to their full potential (- which I know you do because I keep hearing that phrase over and over again from parents and teachers!).

Where to start?  While the scientific explanations may sound complicated at times, fortunately the solutions are not.  Your child – and his or her brain – will thrive if you start taking these 5 steps this week, and keep on stepping through them, for as long as you have your child in your home (or school or childcare center!):

1. Talking and listening.  Think and talk out loud.  Model for your child how you think through a challenging problem to solve it.  Talk about your day.  Share a joke or funny story.  Ask them specific questions (who, what, when, where, why, how…?) with caring curiosity, not bullying interrogations.  Take the time and space and silence to allow their answers to unfurl.  Have open ears and an open heart to receive their questions and complaints with grace.  Celebrate their victories.  Be present.  Minutes a day will go a long way.

2. One-on-one game playing.  Play board games and card games and make-believe games.  Solve puzzles of all kinds together.  Look for a balance of cooperative and competitive games, quiet/passive games and active/sporting games.  Sure, video-games too, in moderation.  Model and practice turn-taking, rule-following, and good-sportsmanship.  The point is to share fun and laughter with each other, and in so doing, see that everyone wins where it’s most important.

3. Walking in the park or woods.  Get outside, breathe fresh air, move your bodies.  Relaxing or exciting.  It’s about observation and discovery of things big and small, both within us and all around us.  It’s about seeing and hearing and smelling and tasting and feeling the beauty of nature.  Plug back into the natural rhythms of life.  Feed your child’s senses and soul.  Simply.  Go easy on the expectations.  Just go.  Regularly.  And enjoy what unfolds. 

4. Decreasing TV time.  Limit the amount of screen-time.  For real.  Make conscious choices about what TV shows and computer sites your child has access to, and how much.  An hour or two a day, maximum.  With pre-approved menu.  Not just any old thing, on as background buzz, seeping into your child’s mind, mindlessly.  Or yours.  Actively monitor your child’s media diet.  And yours.  Promote lots of healthy choices.  Sure, allow media junk food indulgences in limited quantities.  Consider this simple rule of thumb.  Does your child have to ask to have someone come over and play?  Do you set up some expectations and limits around such a get-together?  Well, do the same with the TV or computer (or cell phone!).  They have to ask to use it and learn the limited time and place and choice options.  Radical.

5. Increasing self-care time.  You can’t and won’t do any of these things for your kids on a consistent basis if you’re burnt-out or running on empty.  Nurture your body, mind, or spirit at least a half-hour a day.  Guaranteed you have the time, you just may not be choosing to use it this way.  (See me for more details.)  When you’re relaxed and alert and open to fun new learning experiences, you’ll be a guiding light for your child to do the same.  As Ghandi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  – Or your child.

As always, enjoy the journey!  And remember that our Kidstep Coaching Programs are designed specifically to help your kids step into life-time success by enhancing both your family’s well-being and your child’s executive functioning.