QUESTION: What’s the number one secret to guiding your children through the challenges of growing up today?
How do you get your kids to cooperate respectfully, complete their chores and homework, listen and talk to you, socialize safely with a good group of peers, be happy and healthy, all while preserving some semblance of family fun and personal sanity?
ANSWER: Make conscious choices. Before opening your mouth to your children, open your ears. Before opening your ears, open your mind. And before opening your mind, open your heart.
Feel compassionately. What does my child really need in this moment? Regardless of how they are expressing it right now, what does my heart tell me they are really trying to say? Step out of your own needs for a minute and be fully present with your child. Then follow your gut instinct. Good bet it’s right.
Think clearly. Now shape your response in a way that starts with love yet is draped with reason. Maintain your principles, keep firm and clear limits, and be the safe container that your child needs to grow securely. Don’t seek to be their friends, don’t worry about them not loving you, don’t react out of fear or guilt or your own insecurities. Own your love and your belief in your child, and in yourself. You have the right, indeed the responsibility, to guide your child with your ideas of right and wrong. Think clearly, then communicate clearly.
Listen carefully. Your child’s words, their body language, their facial expressions, their texts and wall posts, their silences. Their choices of play activities, friends, clothes, music, TV shows. Your children are busy exploring who they are and discovering where they fit in – or not. Pay attention to who your children are becoming. Be open to hearing new possibilities, while allowing them to make mistakes. Seek always to understand, if not always approve.
Act mindfully. Model polite manners, respect for others, and loving laughter. Be forthright with your thoughts and feelings and explanations. Teach your kids that it’s what you do with your feelings that counts. Always be honest, though brief and edited for young ears, even about painful things. Follow through consistently with limits and consequences that are firm and fair. Act with integrity. Accept responsibility. Apologize when wrong, and forgive when wronged. Be patient and persistent. Never, ever give up.
When you do these things, you will receive the greatest gift of all – the enduring love and respect of your children – even when they’re little snots or big pains in the you-know-what, which inevitably they will be.
You will find that the sacred gift of raising children – teaching them life’s lessons – is really about learning life’s lessons yourself all over again. It’s a magical mystery tour. Enjoy the ride!
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