Ahh, the holiday season. A time for giving and for new year’s resolutions. What can I resolve to give my children this year? And how can I really make that change? Really stick to it? Here are 7 strategies that will ensure a gift worth giving throughout the year.
1. Pick one thing. It’s easy to think of many things we wish were different in our lives. We may want to change how we yell at our children, how we don’t spend enough time with them, or how we’re focusing too much on the negative behaviors. We may want the child to stop being so foul-mouthed, or to start getting ready for school in the morning without a thousand reminders. Whatever our family problems are, we often need to narrow our focus to successfully change things. So, pick one thing that you would like to do differently with your child.
2. Make it realistic and specific. Saying “I want to stop always fighting with my children” isn’t a very useful way to make any real changes in our lives. It’s great to start with that sentiment, but we need to get more specific. Observe you own behavior for the next week. Keep brief notes in a little flip pad about when you or your child blow up, in what situations, and what you actually do. Then pick a particular type of situation or particular time of day that you want to target for change. Revise your goal to something like: “Each morning, from breakfast to the bus, I will concentrate on not yelling at my kids.”
3. Focus on an alternative, positive behavior. “Instead, I will use a calm voice, encourage them to get their shoes and coats on before the kitchen timer goes off, and praise the kids that succeed. I will walk out of the room when I feel like I want to yell, and take 3 deep, slow breaths instead.” Remember to focus on the SOLUTION, not the problem.
4. Share your goal with someone. A simple and effective way to increase your likelihood of really changing is to share your plan with another person. Making some type of public declaration or contract with others helps us “stick to it” and get some support when we need it. Make a pledge to your spouse or another close friend or a counselor to make this change. Ask for their support, which may involve helpful reminders, encouragement, monitoring, and reinforcing.
5. Keep score. That which gets tracked, improves. Keep a simple daily record about how many times you successfully do this new behavior. Write it down on something you can see – whether an excel spreadsheet or a hand made poster – with stars or tally marks. Focus on the positive behavior, and don’t worry about your mistakes. You are guaranteed to make them. So expect them, don’t flip out about them, forgive yourself, and move on. But don’t avoid them. Learn from your mistakes. Ask yourself, “Okay, why did I lose it that time. How can I see that coming next time?” Keep an honest account of your progress, and share it with your support person.
6. Set a mark and celebrate! Set a clear goal or marker and then reward yourself when you reach it. For example, “When I’ve remained calm and positive five mornings in a row, I get to buy myself that new CD I’ve wanted.”
7. Grow gradually. Once you’ve reached your initial goal, set the bar a little bit higher. Make a fresh start and work steadily towards your new goal. Maybe your first goal is to speak calmly 3 out of 5 mornings a week. Then work up to each morning of the week. Then add in the afternoons. Set yourself up for success by taking it one step at a time.
If you can focus on changing just one behavior this month, and can stay with it, you will see a positive “snow-ball effect” begin to occur in your home. And what a wonderful holiday gift that would be to give your kids – and yourself!
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