When each day feels like a mad race to the finish line, getting your child to sleep can sometimes feel like the ultimate challenge. You’re both exhausted. You just want the little bugger to quickly and quietly drift off to dreamland, so you can get a few minutes of peace to yourself – or at least get the next load of laundry done.
And God knows, when you finally do get to sleep yourself, the last thing you want is for the pitter-patter of little, or perhaps not so little, feet prancing into your bedroom looking for help – or for room under your covers.
What can you do to get your child into their own bed, and stay there throughout the night without multiple arguments, false starts, or midnight crises? How do you help your child get to sleep without whining or crying (we’re talking about the child here, not you!)?
Here’s how:
1. No liquids 1-2 hours before bed. (If needed, a small Dixie cup of water at bedtime.) Make sure your child goes to the bathroom immediately before getting in bed. It’s automatic. “Time to brush teeth and go potty. Then we’ll get in bed and have story time/back rub/riddle of the day…” Be there; see it through. Then get to the fun stuff.
2. Enjoy a soothing bedtime routine in your child’s bed for 10-20 minutes (read, chat, cuddle). Not overly stimulating or exciting. Relaxing and comforting. If needed, keep a small night-light or hallway/bathroom light on nearby. Some soft music may be left on if that helps. No TV in the bedroom, no TV watching in bed!
3. If you’re going to sleep together at all, do it in the child’s bed, not yours.
Whether it’s at the beginning or the middle of the night, see to it that your child falls asleep in his/her own bed. Establish the child’s bedroom as the place where your child begins to feel secure. First with you, then gradually without you.
4. Provide as much support as needed to get the desired result, then gradually fade your level of support. Initially, you’ll stay nearby while the child falls asleep. Remain quiet and in close proximity, with gradual withdrawal. You may start out snuggling in bed for the first few nights, then sitting by the bed, then lounging on the other side of the bedroom, then hanging out nearby, outside the bedroom. Spend several days at each of these stages, as needed, until your child is successfully and comfortably falling asleep.
You’ll want to engage in some quiet activity (reading, sewing, balancing the checkbook, whatever) – being physically present, but ignoring the child. Your goal is to create a sense of psychological security by just being present. No conversations other than occasional gentle reassurance “it’s alright honey, you’re fine” and redirection “it’s time to close your mouth and eyes and rest quietly”. No pressure to go to sleep. It will come when it’s ready.
Once you leave the room, you may come back and check on the child in 10-15 minutes.
But if you promise to do that, make sure you keep your promise. And do it only once per night (no endless game playing).
5. Enforce this firm rule: “Once in bed, stay in bed.” The only exception is for bathroom necessities (should be rare if you did #1 above). Your child goes immediately to the bathroom, with or without parent help, and is guided right back to their own bed. Same thing in the case of a nightmare emergency – the child is firmly and calmly guided right back to bed. Then Repeat step 4, as needed.
6. Add extra reinforcement or consequences, if needed.
Your child may earn points for each night he goes to sleep in his own bed (quickly and quietly!), and bonus points for staying in bed all night without needing parent assistance. After the first week, you can add penalty points for getting out of bed for any reason.
No matter what, if your child gets out of bed, you need to calmly, compassionately, and consistently guide them right back to bed. No big discussions or arguments. Loving understanding AND firm limits. Again, repeat step 4 as needed.
If your child needs extra help to not be so anxious, you can use a “safety ticket” system (eg., up to 3 “free passes” per week for an extra back rub in their own bed if they get too upset while in bed and need extra attention or assistance).
Use consequences such as a “Reward Menu” where points earned can be cashed in for privileges or prizes. The rewards should be based on things that are MEANINGFUL to the child (really matters to that child) and DOABLE for the adult (the parents are willing and able to follow through consistently with delivering the earned consequences – either rewards or punishments).
Keeping this rule in mind, generate a list of possible consequences for your child, perhaps even soliciting her input. Kids often have more investment in a program if they’ve had some say in helping to create it. It’s often effective to have small immediate consequences that can be for the next day, with an additional big bonus reward for having so many “successful nights” (eg., 6 out of 7 nights per week without getting out of bed at all).
The emphasis should be on praising the child for making a strong effort, doing their job, and feeling proud about becoming “a big boy/girl.” The extra consequences are added only in the most difficult cases, and are SECONDARY reinforcers to the attention and praise for doing well.
7. Parents must be prepared to peacefully and contentedly focus on this bedtime routine for 1-3 weeks, without resentment or added tension. Understand that it will take a few weeks to break the cycle of bad habits that your child (and you!) have been engaged in.
Remember that the Short Term Pain of having to monitor bedtime so rigorously now, will result in the Long Term Gain of creating a secure and self-discipline child – at bedtime and beyond.
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