“When my child gets out of control, what do I do? How can he control his emotions better? He’s flying off the handle too much lately. He gets upset, yells, throws a fit over little things. I’m tired of doing battle with him, and starting to lose my temper more than I want to, too.”
“Why can’t she just do what I ask, when I ask, without all the drama? It’s so upsetting to see her get all upset – panicking when things don’t go as expected, or melting down when things don’t go her way.”
Parents often struggle to help their children overcome daily life stressors, like getting homework completed, picking up after themselves, cleaning bedrooms, not fighting with siblings, getting out the door on time in the morning, getting to bed at night, helping around the house, getting off the computer when asked, etc., etc., etc.!
If you have a child who is wired to be emotionally sensitive or intense, these daily hassles can quickly turn into exhausting daily crises for both of you. What do do?
Before arguing over a specific behavior you want your child to do – or to stop doing – always pay attention to your child’s feeling state first. This is the key to teaching your kids to listen with less drama, to quickly regain control when they do lose it, and to establish the self-regulation they need to succeed in life.
As you interact with your child, be fully aware of your child’s mood at the time. Ask yourself, “What is he feeling right now? And how intense is it?”
Imagine that you have a Feeling Thermometer, and you stick it under your child’s tongue to take her feeling temperature. On a scale from 1-10, how upset is she?
Now, the beauty of this thermometer is it can take the temperature of any feeling. How angry is he? How anxious is she? How frustrated? Agitated? Depressed? Discombobulated?
To help you visualize this more easily, I want to share a simple parenting tool that has proven effective for managing emotions in kids – and parents! Click on the link here to download your own copy of Dr. Peter’s Feeling Thermometer:
http://www.kidstepcoaching.com/FeelingThermometer.pdf
If your child is a little upset (annoyed, frustrated), at a 1, 2, or 3, we’ll say he’s in the Green Zone. Moderately upset (angry, shouting mad) at a 4, 5, 6, or 7 is in the Yellow Zone. Totally upset (furious, losing it, melting down, out of control) at an 8, 9, or 10 is in the Red Zone.
Now we all have our Green, Yellow, and Red zones. And you’ll quickly discover that you can pretty accurately and intuitively describe where your child is at any given moment. If you are mindful enough to consider your child’s feelings first!
Why bother? Because measuring your child’s “feeling fever” in this way leads you directly to the most effective Action Plan to take with your child.
When your child is in the Red Zone, the Action Plan = STOP! (Write it down on the line under Red Zone on your Feeling Thermometer.) It’s time to take a TIME OUT.
Stop all dialogue, discussion, or debate about the actual problem. When your child is in the Red Zone, by definition she is out of control and irrational at this point. Any talk or rational attempts to solve the original problem is just pouring gasoline on the fire. You can discuss what started the fire later, now you just need to put the fire out.
When someone is in the Red Zone, everyone needs to stop, retreat to neutral corners, and takes a time out to calm down and regroup. Where possible, remove your child to a neutral space away from others.
The key to success here is to disengage from your child emotionally and verbally. Do not keep getting sucked in! Calmly and firmly acknowledge your child’s plight with one sentence: “I see you’re really upset right now, and when you’re done, then we’ll talk about it.” Now ignore your child’s tirade, except for maintaining enough awareness to ensure everyone’s physical safety. Serve as a “safe container” for your child’s “emotional seizure,” but do not engage otherwise.
When your child is in the Yellow Zone, the Action Plan = RELAX! (Fill in the blank on your Feeling Thermometer.) It’s time to CHILL OUT.
This is the most critical area for you to intervene, typically on the way up, as your child’s feeling temperature is rising, before it ever makes it to the Red Zone. Also, important on the way back down, to help break the child’s “feeling fever.”
In the Yellow Zone, your child is clearly upset and agitated, not fully able to work through the problem constructively, but not out of control yet. If you see the storm brewing, intervene now! Compassionately coach your child on ways to relax and calm down. You’ll need to discover together which ways work best for your child’s temperament and personality. Ideally, you work on this in calm, teachable moments first. Then remind and encourage your child to use those coping skills when they start getting too upset – when you see them getting to a 5 or so on the Feeling Thermometer.
The most universal and effective way for any of us to relax and calm down is to use deep, diaphragmatic breathing. Simply encourage your child to take 3 slow, deep breaths before continuing on. (I’ll have other articles and videos with more on this coming up.) Add positive, affirmative self-talk (“I can calm down. It’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. I just need to focus on the next step. On what I can do now. I can relax. I will relax. I am relaxing.”), or muscle tense-and-release strategies. Or go for a brief walk, play music, stretch, joke, distract, or imagine a happy, relaxing scene. Lots of different strategies.
Develop what works for you and your child by increasing awareness of your body cues, thought cues, and feeling cues to when your getting agitated, and then use those cues to gently direct you to self-calming and recentering breathing. Mindfulness practice is a wonderful thing, and no better time to use it than when you’re starting to enter the Yellow Zone.
When your child is in the Green Zone, the Action Plan = THINK! (Fill in the blank on your Feeling Thermometer.) It’s time to TALK IT OUT.
Only now, when your child is in the Green Zone, can he and you constructively think about what’s wrong and what to do about it. Only address the problem behavior when he’s in the Green Zone. At all other times, focus on “reducing the feeling fever” or “putting out the feeling fire” first.
If he’s calm enough to be in the Green Zone, now you can reflect briefly on his feelings, and then redirect him with what to do about it. Join him in problem-solving about how he can handle the situation – how he can do something, even when he doesn’t like it or want to. That’s an important life skill – the seeds of self-discipline and success.
In the Green Zone, briefly acknowledge your child’s feelings, and quickly move on to some solutions about how to handle the current dilemma. For example:
“I understand you’re frustrated by this homework… and I can help you with that math.”
“I see you’re kinda mad at your sister… and you may use your words, not your hands, to tell her to stop.”
“I know you don’t want to get off the computer right now… and we still need to get ready for bed, so let’s save this game for tomorrow, as long as you can get off nicely now.”
In the Green Zone, you are mindfully joining with your child in a problem-solving adventure. You are compassionate about your child’s feelings (what is stressing them), and you are guiding them towards a reasonable solution. Ideally, this moment is preceded by clear and realistic expectations for your child, and followed by meaningful and consistent consequences. But that’s a story for another day.
Finally, it may have occurred to you that you can’t do any of this caring, conscious parenting (or teaching) if you’re not mindful of your own emotions first! Absolutely right. We must get out our own, parent or teacher, feeling thermometers and take our own temperatures first, before we can begin to direct our children to “STOP, RELAX, AND THINK!” Make sure you are in the Green Zone first, before trying any of these techniques. Otherwise, you’re back to pouring gasoline on the fire.
Ask yourself, on a scale of 1-10, “How upset, tense, or stressed am I right now?” If you’re aware that you’re in the Yellow or Red Zone, take the self-calming steps needed to bring your own feeling fever back down, before you’ll be well enough to care for your child.
Remember, mindful awareness of your feelings and your child’s feelings, will serve as the key to teaching your child how to successfully handle the many challenges of life.
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