conscious (n.) aware, sensible, deliberate.
communication (n.) message; sharing or conveying information to another.
Last week we focused on becoming more mindful – more aware of your attitude and mindset towards teaching your kids respect. Now let’s put those loving intentions to work.
If you want different OUTPUT from your child – you want him or her to behave more respectfully – then you’ll need to provide some different INPUT. Let’s face it, you’ll get out of this what you put into it. Doesn’t matter what your child’s age or difficulties might be, if you regularly practice these essential ways of being with your child, you’ll almost always see more respectful results within a couple of weeks.
So, without further ado, here are the next 3 of the “Top 12 Tips for Teaching Kids Respect.” As always, remember to practice what you preach, since your actions speak louder than your words.
Tip #7: EXPECTATIONS – Expect success that is clearly defined, realistic, and optimistic.
Don’t be vague, negative, or unrealistic. Stop and think – what am I really expecting of my child in this situation? Is it something I think my child really could do with his or her temperament and at this stage of development? Is this an expectation that fits my child’s capabilities? Am I clear on what I want (or just vague about what I don’t want)? Am I clearly communicating what I expect to my child? Does my child get it? How do I know? (Hint: Ask them.) Don’t just expect that your child knows what you expect!
Slow down, think and talk with your child about your expectations ahead of time. In a calm, teachable moment, discuss both your thoughts on the topic and your child’s. Have regular little “heart to heart” chats about your values, vision, and goals for your child and family. Let them know how you expect them to behave and why. Clarify that these rules are there because you care and you want to teach them how to get along better with others and be happier in life. You’re really not doing it just to make them miserable.
Tip #8: EMPATHY – Empathize with your child by showing a compassionate understanding of your child’s feelings and needs. Don’t ignore or dismiss your child’s feelings in a situation and go right for behavioral control without considering what the underlying feelings are that go with the behavior. If you ignore this step, and it’s the one parents most often forget about, you do so at your own peril. You will find yourself in frequent “tug of war” power struggles much more. Instead, start by joining WITH your child empathically, rather than working AGAINST your child in battles for control.
For example, don’t say “Stop being such a grump!” Do say “I understand you feel… angry right now.” Don’t say “I told you to turn that computer off!” Do say “I see you really want… to keep playing that computer game.”
Simply start your commands with one sentence that shows you care about and are at least trying to understand what they’re feeling or struggling with in that moment. Then proceed to direct them to appropriate behaviors for how to handle their feelings in socially-appropriate, parent-approved ways.
I call this life-saving strategy “REFLECT AND REDIRECT.” Reflect the child’s feelings or needs back to them with a statement of compassionate understanding – validate their feelings – then redirect them to what they can and should do about it.
Don’t say “I understand you feel angry, BUT you still can’t hit your sister like that.” Do say “I understand you feel angry, AND you still need to use your words, not fists.” Don’t say “I see you really want to keep playing, BUT you have to stop and clean up.” Do say “I see you really want to keep playing, AND we need to clean up now.”
TIP #9: ENCOURAGEMENT – Encourage your kids to make life-enhancing choices. Remember that your child always has a choice, whether you like it or not! You can’t make a child behave a certain way any more than you can make a horse drink water from a trough. You can encourage and remind and provide incentives that make it more or less likely, but you can’t totally control your child. And let’s remind ourselves – that’s not really the goal, I hope, anyway. Rather, the goal is to teach your child self-control.
To do that better, don’t fall into the trap of screeching “IF YOU DON’T… THEN YOU WON’T…” Instead, try the most powerful parenting tool I know: “WHEN YOU DO… THEN YOU MAY…” It works wonders.
Listen to the difference between negative nagging – “If you don’t pick up your toys, you can’t go out and play” – and positive prompting – “When you pick up your toys, you may go out and play.” Which do you think creates a more respectful and pleasant environment for your child? Which do you think is more likely to get quicker compliance and fewer arguments?
See, with positive prompts we are encouraging the child to focus on the solutions with us, rather than discouraging the child by focusing on the problems and punishments. Same firm limits, just applied more strategically.
Try these tips this week and let me know how it goes!
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