It’s mid-fall and the school-year routine is in full swing.
Go, go, go! Hurry up so we don’t miss the bus. Is that homework done yet? Get off that computer and come set the table. Grab your shoes, we’re late for practice. Oh, it’s Tuesday, you have music lessons, too. Did you practice your instrument? Darn it, the dog had an accident again, who’s going to clean it up? Your brother has scouts tomorrow, whose turn to drive? You’re room’s a mess. Stop that bickering with your sister and just finish raking the leaves, so we can get to the store before it closes. Don’t forget, we volunteered to help at church this week. What’s that junk you’re watching/listening to? Hurry up and get ready for bed. Time to settle down, why aren’t you asleep yet?!
You’re sounding like a drill sergeant more than you’d ever care to admit, and your kids barely talk to you anymore, let alone play with you. They’re too busy participating in scheduled activities or being plugged into their digital world with friends and God-knows-who. You’re too busy trying to provide them with enrichment opportunities while running a household that still requires healthy meals, clean clothes, and bills paid on-time. Where’s the fun in all that?
If you’re like most parents and teachers nowadays, you’re feeling the stressful effects of over-scheduled, busy lifestyles. Conversations too often take the form of adults barking commands or questions, and kids replying angrily, perhaps with eye-rolls and sarcasm, or not at all. You and your kids may be having trouble communicating or connecting with each other in fun, loving ways. It’s certainly not how you want it to be, and believe it or not, neither do your children.
As more parents are finding out, one of the best ways to decrease family stress and conflict is to SLOW DOWN and enjoy more positive TIME IN with one another.
In fact, one of the few benefits of the economic recession right now is how parents have begun to stop and think more about what matters most in life – is this purchase, is this extra-curricular activity, is this grade-point level really the most important thing? More parents are realizing the importance of having enough down time and free time for their kids, rather than so much scheduled time and screen time.
A recent survey for Parents magazine revealed over half of moms identified “spending quality time with kids” as their top priority, and over two-thirds agreed that their children are over-scheduled and they’d like to encourage them to “stop and smell the roses.”
“Less is more” has never sounded better. But how to apply this, practically, in our lives?
1. Maintain simple routines and rituals. Quality family time often comes best packaged in little daily or weekly routines that add up over time to become the childhood that we remember. How do you want your children to remember growing up? Believe it or not, you don’t have to add hours to the day, you just need to be mindful of how you’re doing what you’re already doing.
For example, the morning routine of getting dressed can be turned into a fun “beat the clock” game, as long as you keep encouraging your child with playful cheering not tense yelling to “hurry up!” Eating dinner together can be a time to review a “high and low” from each person’s day. Okay, maybe you can’t do that every day, so commit to and schedule in family dinners just 2 or 3 times a week. This routine is still a powerful one that is correlated with better social and emotional outcomes for kids. And cleaning the kitchen all together after dinner can be a time for chatting or singing or just hanging out.
The car ride to soccer practice can be a special opportunity to turn the radio down and play “20-questions” or “I spy” games – looking out the window and noticing your surroundings, which can lead to mini-philosophical discussions about why the sky is blue, and where is heaven anyway. Or that ride can be an opportunity to turn the radio up and just unwind with your kids jamming to their favorite tunes. This way you can learn more about what they’re into.
Be conscious of the time you already spend with your children – hey, you have to eat sometime, you have to run errands anyway – might as well make it fun. A colleague and friend of mine, Esther Jantzen, has a great little book out called Plus It! How to Easily Turn Everyday Activities into Learning Adventures for Kids. This is a gem of a resource that offers so many simple, brilliant ways we can make TIME IN with our children much more fun-loving and life-affirming. I highly recommend you check it out at www.PlusItBook.com.
Weekly rituals can be added with little effort or cost. Before our kids became teenagers, every Friday night was “family movie night” where we snuggled up with extra pillows and blankets and bowls of popcorn in our family room, and enjoyed a family movie together. Now that high school football and basketball games have replaced that ritual, we make sure we gather for a delicious homemade brunch every Sunday after church. These are the simple traditions our children will remember and tell their children about in years to come.
(Share some family routines or rituals that your kids have enjoyed, and I’ll publish them in the next ezine! Email me at Support@KidstepCoaching.com.)
2. Unplug and reconnect. Surfing and chatting on the internet, talking and texting on their cell phones. Kids today are connected constantly with one another and with the big wide world in all its beauty and horror. There is no turning back, so what to do? First, set clear limits on usage and put it in writing – what electronic devices, programs, and sites are they allowed to be on, when are they allowed to be on them, who are they allowed to connect with, why do you have these rules, and what will happen if they’re violated.
Second, if you can’t beat ‘em, join em! Friend your kids on facebook and check in periodically, but maintain a low profile – you’re not trying to embarrass them, just keeping in touch with them on their turf. And if they balk? Well, what’s so bad that a parent can’t see it? If they can’t live with that, perhaps they aren’t mature enough to handle the responsibility (and risks) of socializing online anyway. Be proactive with your kids, without being overprotective. Check in, check up, check out. In this way, you get to double dip – protect and connect! Also, call and text your kids regularly to check in with positive, affirming, or fun messages, as well as practical, daily-life details.
Third, have regular, mandatory “digital holidays” or “no screen time.” Take the cell phones at bedtime. Keep the computers and TVs out of the bedrooms. And have 1 day a week or month (or a half-day if you all can’t stand it!) where everyone literally unplugs all electronic devices. Go for a walk in the woods or park, play cards or board games, write thank you notes, paint something, have a watergun battle, light candles and give each other back massages, look at old photo albums and tell family stories, bake chocolate chip cookies together, take a nap. Just hang out together and rediscover the simple joys – while being completely off-line and inaccessible to the relentless barrage of digital-age information.
Schedule this like it’s a doctor’s appointment – as if you’re health depended upon it. Because it does!
3. Appreciate the power of play. Play isn’t just frivolous fun. It’s a key ingredient to how our children explore their world, develop interests and competencies, unleash their imaginations and creativity, make and maintain friendships, and literally recharge their batteries. Recent studies have shown that laughter-filled fun actually releases endorphins in our bodies that help improve our immune system, moods, and sleep.
So make sure your child has some unscheduled, free-play time each day – at least a half-hour or hour. Encourage ways for your child to play by themselves, with siblings, with friends, and with you! Fool around more, sing silly songs, make faces, build forts, get out the play dough, tell jokes, have styrofoam sword fights, throw a ball in the front yard. Watch cartoons or a favorite comedy show together each day. Snuggle and tickle and giggle. No doubt about it, it’s good for the soul.
We’ve got to honor the need for SLOW-DOWN-TIME to re-vitalize our family relationships and our lives. You know it in your bones, so take a stand. Practice what you believe. Just slow down a little bit – realistically and practically. Schedule it, honor it, celebrate it. You and your kids will be so glad you did.
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