A: Briefly, there’s three major factors that affect your child’s behavior, and it’s important to consider all three when trying to figure out what you should expect from him or her:
1. Development. I always ask, “What’s your child’s job?” At this age, what would we typically expect kids to be doing – academically, behaviorally, socially? Do you know what to expect from your child generally, and what your child should expect from you at each developmental stage? Parents need to balance both holding on (to protect) and letting go (to liberate) kids somewhat differently at each stage.
We’ll explore this more in future articles, but here’s a quick snapshot. It’s the toddler’s job to explore the world and their ability to affect it – hey,I can walk and talk – let’s see what I can do with this! Preschoolers are into magical thinking – full of fantasies and fears that lead them to socialize and play, but they still need the secure base of parents, especially when separating or at nighttime. In elementary school, kids are thinking concretely, figuring out what belongs with what, how things go together or not, and how things work. They think in terms of black and white, so fairness is a big issue – and learning to master the rules of reading, math, games, social skills preoccupy their days. Early adolescence marks the turbulent time of branching out to find an identity outside of mom and dad’s lair, to find friends, to fit in, to figure out what’s cool and not, all turbocharged with puberty’s racing hormones. Later in adolescence, teens take on more introspection about who they are, how the world works, and where they fit it. Moodiness and angst is par for the course, as new challenges of handling social pressures, intimacy, and vocational aspirations arise.
2. Temperament. Considering developmental markers gets us in the right ballpark, but for any given child, we must consider their particular temperament or personality. Your child, like all of us, comes into the world wired with certain innate tendencies that we would do well to recognize and accept. Activity level, emotionality, distractibility, persistence, sensitivity, intensity, sociability, and mood are some of the common traits that children (and parents!) vary on greatly. These tendencies are then reinforced and shaped over time – and can become great assets or liabilities – depending on how they are nurtured or squashed, accepted or rejected, by caregivers. Are you aware of your child’s temperament, your temperament, and how they interact?
3. Environment. Environmental conditions, of course, greatly influence your child’s behaviors, and they do so at what I call the “micro” and “macro” levels. At the micro level, significant others interact with your child in ways everyday that form patterns or habits over time. We can label the sequence of these interactions the “A-B-C’s” for Antecedents – Behaviors – Consequences. This sequence is playing out every day, whether you’re aware of it or not. As you become more conscious of how you set up the antecedent conditions (with positive, realistic expectations and prompts) and how you follow through with meaningful consequences, you will be able to help your child cope with life much more successfully.
At the macro-level, relationships outside of the home may be influencing your child’s behaviors for better and for worse. Relatives, peers, school and community groups, the mass media, your job – all these external circumstances may serve as supports or stressors – and we’ll want to consider how, for your child’s sake, they can be changed for the better, or coped with better.
HAVE A QUESTION YOU WANT ANSWERED – OR A SOLUTION TO SHARE?
JOIN IN THE FUN! SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS and SUGGESTIONS to:
Support@KidstepCoaching.com .
Comments on this entry are closed.