There are two main factors you’ll want to keep in mind when choosing consequences to eliminate the daily power struggles you face with a defiant child.
First, let me ask you a seemingly silly question. Do you believe that in the end, good triumphs over evil? That the forces of love are stronger than hate? That positive attention and affection is a more powerful motivator than negative attention and criticism? How about the old saying, “You can attract more flies with honey than vinegar?” Well, we don’t really want more flies (or ladybugs!) around, I guess, but hopefully you’re getting my point.
The number one thing you can do to decrease defiant behaviors in children is to “catch ‘em being good!” Find the little things they’re doing right, and praise it, nurture it, encourage it, compliment it. Show your child that you notice not just when things go wrong, not just when he or she makes a mistake, but when they make good choices too. Notice and reinforce their positive efforts, maybe not perfect, but in the right direction. Blow on these sparks of goodness, and you’ll eventually ignite a shining fire of self-worth and self-control in your child.
Research has shown that behavior change occurs best when we use a ratio of positive to negative consequences that is at least 4:1. Think about it. Which teacher or boss did you want to work harder for, the one who noticed and complimented your positive efforts while occasionally giving you critical feedback, or the one who only seemed to notice when you screwed up or always kept telling you how you needed to improve?
Pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth tonight when talking to your child. Count how many times you give your son or daughter positive versus negative feedback. If you’re honest and attentive, you’ll likely have an eye-opening experience.
Want more positive output from your child? Start providing more positive input. It has to be genuine, and it has to be earned. No false praise. And no back-handed compliments. But find something positive to celebrate in your child, and keep letting them know about it!
(If you find this difficult to do, you may need help recharging your own batteries or looking at your child from a different point of view. Don’t hesitate to get the help you and your child deserve.)
Second, I want to introduce you to the “Law of Minimum Reinforcement.” Simply stated, you want to do as little as you need to, to get the desired result. Use whatever you need to, in order to get your child to listen. But don’t use any more than you need to! Let’s take a closer look.
I’ve developed the “5 P’s of Positive Reinforcement” that put this law into practice. Picture the rungs of a ladder, and we’re going to start on the bottom rung (#1) and work our way up (to #5), ONLY AS NEEDED, to get the desired result. At each level, if you’re not getting the results you want to see in your child, then move up to the next rung on the ladder.
- Pride. Your child does what he or she needs to on his or her own. The child feels good inside about doing the right thing. He or she has internalized our expectations and standards, and has good self-control.“Wow, that must feel good inside!”
- Praise. Child responds well to positive attention and praise for doing a good job.“I really like how you remembered to clean out your lunch box – great helping!”
- Privileges. Child listens and behaves well in order to earn daily privileges that he enjoys.“You got ready for bed so quickly and nicely tonight – let’s have an extra bedtime story!”
- Prizes. Child cooperates to earn a special reward or prize.“Nice job keeping your hands to yourself and not whining while mommy was shopping – you may pick out a candy bar!”
- Points. Child is motivated to earn points towards rewards.“Good job getting all dressed this morning on time, you earned another sticker on your chart. Four more and we go to Chuckie Cheese!”
Eventually, when you’re child is successfully responding more the way you want, you can start moving back down the ladder, gradually fading the amount of structured feedback you need to provide, and leading your child to more independent, respectful functioning in the world. It really can happen, with patience and persistence.
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