“Dealing with Defiant Behaviors – Part I: How to Set Up for Success”

by admin on October 11, 2009

I know a mom and dad (do you?) who are fed up with their son’s constant arguing and negotiating over every little thing.  Getting through each day has become a struggle.

Whether it’s getting out the door in the morning, or getting the homework done each night, or getting the trash taken out, or getting to bed on time – there’s increasingly some discussion, debate, or disagreement.  And they feel like they’re always walking on eggshells, waiting for the next emotional explosion that seems to come out of nowhere.  It’s just plain exhausting.  They keep thinking “Why can’t he just do as he’s told – without all the attitude and backtalk?”

Sometimes it’s in your face defiance “no, you can’t make me!” Sometimes it’s more subtle, with eye-rolls and angry muttering “hey, was that a swear word I just heard?” Sometimes its that he just ignores or avoids what he’s supposed to do altogether – “no mom, I just forgot, jeeze, get off my back!”

These parents love their son.  They want to have more fun, not all this feuding and fighting.  There’s got to be a better way…

First step in making a child behave better is to accept the fact that you can’t make him (or her) behave better.  Remember, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.  The horse, excuse me, your child always has a choice!  It’s his/her behavior, not ours.  We don’t have total control.  As parents, we don’t get all the blame or the credit.  But we have some of it.  So the key is to figure out what part is ours.  What can we do that will make it more likely that our children will make better behavior choices – ones that are more consistent with our values, more socially appropriate, more respectful.

Why do we even care about this?  Because without being able to control their tempers, to comply with rules, to meet expectations and follow directions, our kids are not going to get very far in this world.  And they’re not going to be very happy campers.  And of course, as long as they’re living at home, we’re not going to be very happy either.

So, let’s consider what you as a parent can do to decrease the frequency and intensity of defiant behaviors in your child.  Basically, there are two ways you can most effectively intervene.  You can change how you talk to your child ahead of time – how you set them up for success, and you can control how you respond to them afterwards – how you follow through with effective consequences (or not).

In between, your child always has a choice.  He or she can make a positive, appropriate behavior choice or a negative, inappropriate one.  It’s up to them.  We’re just going to stack the deck – with loving, caring intentions – so the odds are they’ll increasingly want to make the better choice.

When you accept the reality of who has what responsibility here, you’ll be less tense, anxious, and angry.  And you’ll be able to clearly focus on the parenting strategies that give you the best chance for raising a more respectful, caring, and cooperative child.

Today we’ll look at what you can do ahead of time – before the child reacts to your requests with either angry arguments or calm compliance.  Which do you want more of?  Assuming it’s the latter, then here’s the basics that you want to start practicing today:

1. Expect success for your child. Set expectations that are specific, positive, and realistic.  When you just tell your child to “be more responsible” or “watch that attitude” or “just shape up”, we’re not really being very helpful.  Define in simple terms what you really want the child to do, as in “When I ask you to do something, I expect you to look up at me, answer me politely, and discuss nicely when or how you’re going to do it.”  (You’ll have to consistently enforce this for it to become a reality, of course, and we’ll discuss how to do that next time.)

And make sure you’ve set the bar at a level your child can realistically do.  How will you know?  Ask yourself, not what he “should” be doing, but what “could” he being doing – successfully on his own.  Break down your expectations into manageable chunks, and give more limited, specific instructions.  Once that’s done successfully, add the next step, and the next.  Or raise the bar incrementally as you see your child can handle it.

If in doubt, discuss with your child ahead of time, what he thinks he can do and practice how he will do it.  Remember, we’re not trying to trick the child or frustrate him or her – or us.  We’re trying to come up with realistic expectations that can be followed through on successfully.

2.    Empathize with your child’s feelings. Your child isn’t arguing just to be jerk – though I know it can feel that way sometimes.  That arguing is there for a reason – perhaps to gain some sense of control, to vent angry or hurt feelings, to avoid some unpleasant event, to cover up feelings of inadequacy, to right some perceived injustice, or just to try to get something they really want.

Parents often go straight to tug-of-war arguments with their kids about the behavior that they need to do or stop doing, preferably right now!  Instead, pause for just a minute and reflect on how the child is feeling – what are they struggling with, what are they desiring here.  Then share a simple, empathic sentence of understanding to let them know you care.

Again, this isn’t a trick.  You really do care about your child’s feelings, don’t you?  Then show it.  It will empower you – and your child – to cope with the underlying feeling or need, resolve it, and move forward to accomplish the task at hand more quickly and cooperatively.

Before dismissing the child’s arguments and just demanding they do what they’re told, add this sentence first, “I understand you want to keep playing, and we still need to clean up for bed now.”  Or “I see you’re pretty mad about this, let’s take a break for a minute to calm down, then we’ll figure out what to do.”

3.    Encourage your child with positive prompts, not negative nagging. The vast majority of parental commands to kids are negative, as in, “Don’t do that…” or “Stop it…” or “If you don’t (get your work done, finish your vegetables, stop talking back…), Then you won’t (get to watch TV, get dessert, be able to go out this weekend…).”

Some of this is unavoidable, even necessary.  But if 80% of what comes out of your mouth sounds like this (let’s be honest with ourselves!), what do you think your child hears?  Nag, nag, nag – until they either tune you out or start to fight back.

The preventative solution here is to be mindful of the words we say to out kids.  When we can make 80% of our directions positive and encouraging, by focusing on the “DO” behaviors rather than the “DON’T” behaviors, then we’ll get much more positive responses from our children.  Notice how different this sounds, “When you’ve finished and shown me your work, then you can watch your favorite show – I hope you can!”  or “When you remember to talk to me with calm, polite words about this, then we’ll see if you can go out this weekend.”

Makes sense, but this one habit is often the hardest one for parents to change.  It’s also the single biggest, most powerful parenting tool I know.  So practice more positive, encouraging directions with your kids this week – preferably ones that are realistic for them and take into consideration their feelings along the way.  And let me know how it goes!

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