Okay, here we go: to spank or not to spank? Child abuser or new-age peace freak?
The problem with children today is that they haven’t received enough good old-fashioned “lickins” to set ‘em straight. The problem is children have been brow-beaten by grown-ups so much, its no wonder they act out their aggressions.
Anyone who spanks is violent. Anyone who doesn’t spank is a wimp and is letting their kids walk all over them. My mom gave me the paddle plenty, and I turned out fine. My parents never used corporal punishment, and I turned out fine. My dad spanked me lots, and I’ll never lay a finger on my kids…
Amazing, isn’t it, how quickly we tend to polarize these arguments – and how defensive we become about how “our family did it.” Have you been reading in the national press what I have been? You may have seen the recent CNN report about the latest study indicating the harmful effects of spanking – though even the experts quoted in the article had varying opinions.
The very next day, I saw a tiny article in the newspaper about a woman in a Salvation Army store in the midwest who was so frustrated by a toddler’s misbehaviors and his mother’s lack of control over him, that she literally took matters into her own hands and put the boy over her knee, spanking him so he would learn his lesson. Umm, not good. She’s facing assault charges now. See, she didn’t even know this boy or his mother. (Makes you think – would it make a difference if she did know them? What if it were her own grandson or her own child? Where do we draw that line?)
Anyway, the Great Spanking Debate has reared its ugly head again, and people’s opinions are quite strong on this. I told myself I should stay out of it, but I can’t. So here, for better or worse, is my contribution.
By and large I think we’re missing the main point. The main point is that children need their parents to be there and be in charge with caring hearts and thoughtful minds. They need parents who are consciously attending to their child’s needs with both love and limits.
Kids thrive when they have parents who
- provide clear expectations about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior,
- model positive behavior choices themselves, and
- consistently apply some type of reasonable discipline.
Now we can, and do, argue a lot about what is “reasonable” discipline. Almost all of us agree that angrily beating a child is not reasonable. But beyond these extreme cases, we worry a lot about the virtues and evils of spanking. This is an important debate, but it misses the more important issue:
- Are we available to our children?
- Monitoring our children?
- Modeling appropriate behavior for our children?
- Praising and positively reinforcing our children’s good behaviors?
- Giving clear and consistent messages?
- Being firm and following through with limits when we set them?
- Providing lots of love and fun and encouragement?
Based on hundreds of research studies, many thousands of hours helping distressed families, and yes, over 20 years of fatherhood, I would argue that if you are doing these things, you probably have a relatively happy, well-adjusted child. Add to that an occasional spanking, and I’d bet you still have a child who’s doing well. Spank your child plenty, and don’t do these other things, and I’d be concerned that your child is going to have a lot of difficulties.
For the record, I do not advocate the use of spanking. It is not necessary to use physical force to have a well-disciplined child. It just isn’t. There are plenty of other techniques that, when applied firmly and fairly, work even better. And they don’t have the negative side effects of teaching that the way to get a point across is with physical force, or pose the risks of spilling over to physical abuse.
What is most important, however, is that we remember that effective parenting is a package deal that involves many different aspects. Not just whether to spank or not to spank.
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