Just yesterday at our clinic, I spoke with three families who were distraught about nothing more and nothing less than the pace of their lives.  Let me tell you about it.

First scenario.  There was the mother of a 15 year old girl who had come to us recently, very concerned about her daughter’s increasingly belligerent, moody, and withdrawn behaviors.  She felt it was very important to get her into counseling as soon as possible, because the girl rarely spoke in the home, except to blow up at her parents at random, then retreat into her room, headphones, and computer for hours and refuse to come out.  Recently they had discovered some very disturbing information about their daughter and her friends on Facebook. 

We had given the mother some times for the next week to bring her daughter in for an appointment.  She consulted three different calendars, one for each child, fretted about how she didn’t know if she could make it to those appointment times because this child had volleyball and that child had to be driven to soccer camp and the other had youth group and so on.  She left the office saying she’d check on some things and call back.

A week later, those appointment times had come and gone, and we hadn’t heard from this family – until yesterday.  The mother called in, saying she was still quite worried about her daughter, and wanting that same appointment time for next week.  I politely informed her that that time wasn’t available next week, it had only been available this past week.  She became irate, and berated me on the phone because now she would have to go back and look at all her calendars all over again, and she didn’t know how she was ever going to fit these “very important” counseling sessions into their family’s busy schedule.  After being offered several new times, she angrily said she’d get back to us as soon as she figured some things out, and hung up in a huff.

Hmmm, what’s wrong with this picture…?

Second scenario.  I met with a polite and generally affable 12 year-old-boy who slumped back into his chair, looking as forlorn as you can imagine.  He had just started coming in at the end of the school year for attention and organization difficulties, needing some help keeping up with the increasing demands of middle school.  Now school had just ended, and it was the first week of summer vacation, and he was looking more depressed than ever.

“How you doing?” I asked.  “Well, okay, I guess,” he replied with a sigh that would make Eeyore proud. “What’s the matter?” I persisted, using my most brilliant therapeutic skills to deduce that something was wrong.

“Well, it’s just that today I had band camp in the morning, and then I had to come here, and then I have drum lessons next, and then some physical fitness thing at the Y, and then I have to go to a boy scout meeting tonight.  And I was hoping to just chill out a bit this summer.”  Tears welled up in his eyes as he slumped back into the chair even further, looking defeated and hopeless.

Third scenario.  I was coaching two very intelligent professionals who are kind and caring parents.  We have been working on how to manage the impulsive and defiant behaviors of their 6-year-old adopted son.  The mother was spending the summer at home with their two children, intent on giving them the loving attention and support they felt they needed. 

After the first week of summer, this mother was already feeling overwhelmed, because she had managed to take them to a number of enriching, fun, and social activities throughout the first week, but now was at a loss for how to keep the kids productively entertained for the next week, and for 8 more weeks after that.

When I helped her see the value of unscheduled time, the critical importance, in fact, of having “down time” for both kids and parents to relax and recharge their batteries, this mother literally broke down in tears of relief.  She had been feeling such pressure, insidious and subtle, to keep up with all the other mothers who seemed to have such full and happy lives and such wonderful children.

As we talked more, it became clear that both mom and dad were swept up in unspoken worries about their children keeping up with the other kids in this relatively well-off neighborhood and school district.  They only wanted the best for their kids, to make sure they wouldn’t be left behind, academically or socially, athletically or artistically.

Like all caring parents, they wanted to know that their kids were going to be alright, that they’d grow up to be happy, healthy, and productive members of society, and that they, as parents, had done everything possible for their kids.  They didn’t want to feel guilty that they hadn’t given their kids the best shot at life.

When I reassured them that the need for unscheduled, free-play time was just as critical to their child’s development as anything else they might do, they felt an intense release.

Of course, the key is “all things in moderation.”  We don’t want kids who are 24/7 couch potatoes, and we don’t want overscheduled walking-zombies either.

I came home from work yesterday after these three encounters all fired up.  This has been making me crazy for a while now, and I can’t take it anymore.  None of us can, or should!  All the pressures to go, go, go are taking a terrible toll on our emotional well-being, our family relationships, and our kids’ mental health.  It’s just not right.

So I introduce to you today a new word for a critically important concept – the opposite of mindlessly multi-tasking – is what I call timechoicing.

Timechoicing is the act of mindfully choosing how you will spend your time.  It’s the ability of humans to stop, take a deep breath, and make a conscious choice to do what is most important to their well-being.  – To act according to your highest values and principles.  To accept responsibility for how you, and your children, will invest your time today – each day – on healthy, life-fulfilling habits.  And yes, sometimes that means less is more.

How will you know what the right balance is for you and your children?  Take the simple gut-check test.  Are you feeling happy, enthusiastic, energized?  Focused and relaxed?  Or scattered, frustrated, overwhelmed, and exhausted?  How about your child?  Are your daily interactions filled with more playful laughter and acts of loving kindness or more bitter bickering and acts of defiance or disrespect or disregard.

Add or subtract activities to your daily life – varying the quantity and quality – until you have the right mix that works for your kids, your family, your lifestyle.  Stop and think about what relaxes you and energizes you, and make the conscious choice to do more of those things.  Reflect on what frustrates or exhausts you, and consciously choose to change those things or expose yourself to less of them.  Ditto for your kids.

Of course, you may need help shedding old unhealthy habits and growing new healthy habits.  If so, go get yourself a really good family wellness coach and get to it.  (I know someone who’d be glad to help!)

It’s not that you don’t have the time, it’s that you’re not choosing to spend your time on what you say matters most.  Take charge, and make sure you’re timechoicing in a way that serves you and your children best.

Relax and enjoy the days of summer.  Yes, you can.  Will you?

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